Friday, March 29, 2013

Time To Work

You know those days where the choices you've made in life completely run your ass over. Today is that day. And I'm trying to keep my head up and not get discouraged...but every class I've ever skipped, every time I've ever given up on something, it's all leading to me feeling like I can't do this. I can't beat depression. I can't maintain this happiness I've found.

A professor pulled me into her office today and told me that they may block my privileges to work on productions next year based on my grades. Which, have improved... but apparently not enough. And in the grand scheme of things, this does not matter. Life is more to me that a production in college when I'm 21 years old. But shit that would be embarrassing. And this professor talked down to me, and made me feel not only exposed, but guilty. And I've never once had a person (except for myself) make me feel guilty for my depression. I cannot help but be sad about today.

I thought I was doing so well, and I don't know if this professor talking to me is a wake up call that I'm not fooling anyone, or if she's full of it. She also mentioned that they entire faculty had been talking about me. If you know me, at all, I don't want to be talked about. Let me be the silent force that is not mentioned, ever. The silver lining is that I don't know what was said... which means I'll tell myself it was negative, but I also know I will never know that answer.

I just want to get out of here. I don't want to be the problem child. I don't want to pity myself. I don't want to be here, in Duluth, at school. I want to be done.

If I give up now, I'll remain where I am. If I continue and work hard and call my mom and have her tell me to get the fuck over it and wake up everyday with a fresh start I'll be okay. I'll remain on this path that will lead to amazing things like New York and writing and becoming Tina Fey/Meryl Streep/Shirley McLaine/Ellen Degeneres and I just need to keep my eyes on the prize.

------

I just talked with one of my favorite friends about everything, and I'm feeling much better. She calmed me down, talked it out, and while yes, it's been a shitty morning... It will not be a bad day. I'm going to Barnes & Noble, my Narnia. I'm going to take a nap. And I'm going to take this weekend to plan ahead and figure out a plan. I have the ability. I have the strength. I don't feel strong today, but the fact that I don't feel strong at the hands of another person means it's time for change. Within myself. Prove them wrong. What kind of gum? Fuck em. (Favorite Joke!) I can do this. I will do this. And if I stumble, I will get back up and keep walking, whilst allowing myself ten minutes of complaining/crying/swearing to get over it.

I'm over it. This is what you call a look into a bipolar blog post.... I'm much better than I was before talking things out. My feelings are hurt by the words my professor used, and the way she decided to handle the situation... but if I could control that lady I would win a Nobel Peace Prize. Nobody can control what comes out of her mouth... but I can control what I do now.

How people treat you is their karma; How you react is yours.

Let's do this.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

My Two Cents

I need to start this blog by stating something very obvious, I am not political. If you were to ask me who ran against Clinton, I would talk about Clinton's hair first. If you were to ask me who ran against Ronald Reagan, I would need a minute to find a computer and look it up. If you asked me on the spot to spell Reagan... It would take a few tries. I'm not the girl who reads Huffington Post and New York Times and knows everything that's going on in our government. I'm the girl who watches West Wing and House of Cards and thinks John Spencer mixed with Kevin Spacey is a man I'd like to meet...

I wish I knew more about this country and the women and men that lead it. I wish I knew the terms so this blog could appear in a newsletter for more than 20 eyes to see. I wish I had the words that were going to change what I think needs changing. But, for now, I have the internet to look up terms, I have my own voice, and I have this blog. This wonderful blog.

Yesterday, I logged onto Facebook to find that multiple people had changed their Facebook picture to the Human Rights logo, an equal sign. I thought, hell yeah, I don't know why this is happening, but let's do it! Let's change our picture and show our support! It's really amazing to me that so many friends support all walks of life, any and all people, no matter what they bring to the table.

There was one friend, though, who posted--how shall I word this?-- a very conservative phrase on the website. It got over 100 likes. Meaning that over 100 people were not only sick of what they were seeing that day on social media, but they wanted to show that they were against it.

And it shouldn't bother me this much. It shouldn't. I'm allowed at any time of day to shout from the rooftops that I support equal rights, that I believe marriage should be allowed to any two people, that love is something we all deserve. So... shouldn't somebody else be able to say, at any time of day, that they think marriage is between man and woman, that they think love is selected for those who were born a certain way... the same way they were? Aren't they allowed that?

I think they are. Truly. I think that opinions are opinions and I have a few myself that don't make sense. So... go for it. And then. Suddenly. That slow boil starts in my gut, and grows to my stomach, and then my heart.... and then I'm pissed. I'm angry that people don't see it the way I see it. That they would take the time and energy in a day that's short enough as it is to spread any kind of hatred. So I close my computer and I walk around and I take a deep breath. And it hits me. Yesterday was the first time it really hit me. This person may have never had a single person in their life explain their sexuality to them. They may have gone 22 years without a single openly gay man or women in their life.

 It's 2013, and since I can remember... I've had a gay friend. Litchrally since 4th grade, my brothers friend said he thought he liked boys and I laughed at him and he started crying. That was the day I said it was okay for people to like who they like.... because this boy had a great head of hair and I thought he was cute but he thought our friend Robbie was cute, so.... Life. But my point.. somehow... is that everyone should have that person in their life. That person that tests you and your values by stating that they are different from what you've pinned them to be.

My hope is these laws will pass. In time, in my lifetime, I truly believe that all people will have the choice to marry whom they choose. My friends will not have to go to another country for any kind of certificate. I'm not worried about the law. I want to see the bill passed, I want to see my friends get married, I want to celebrate with them... But it will happen. I don't have an ounce of doubt in me. What I am worried about it the hate. Is the comments like the one I saw. I don't understand how people still cast out hatred when we have seen what it leads to.

So. Here's my statement. I support a man and a woman getting married. I support a man and a man. I support a woman and a woman. I support the eleven year old kid being called a faggot because he's honest with not only himself (which is impossible at that age, BY THE WAY) and with the world. I support women who strive to be treated at the level of men. I support men who work hard day in and day out to support their families. I support people. Because as a child I was told to treat others the way I wanted to be treated. I learned that from my parents, from my teachers, from my friends. It's simple.

Treat the man walking down the street with holes in his shoes as if the roles were reversed. Treat the woman with a bruise on her face as if you too had to wear the sunglasses to cover it up. Treat the couple walking down the street with their son with respect, no matter if it's two men or not.

Who you choose to love should not be the topic of discussion. We should be focusing on how we love, and what message we are sending to one another. That's what I care about. That's what keeps me up at night. My message is that no person should be looked down upon because they are brave enough to fall in love. No person should have to feel lesser because their heart is open and willing to share.

Cheers to the brave. Cheers to the characteristics that make us who we are. Cheers to those who stand up for one another and give out good. Cheers to Matt Shepard. Cheers to you.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Here's What I Know...

There is nothing more attractive in this world than when a person knows they purchased the right pair of sunglasses.

If you're in the middle of a fight and your partner smiles or laughs, it means they are really hearing you. No fight makes sense, every fight is a little bit funny.

Tattoos are only supposed to look bad. If you have a good looking tattoo, with perfect shading and no color outside the lines... you did it wrong.

Rain is the single greatest treasure I've ever known. Washing away the heat in the summer, welcoming spring when winter gets too long. I'm obsessed.

Men with ponytails should be required to carry around a background check in their back pocket.

Women with ponytails should burn every scrunchie they've ever owned. Including their mother's.

Happiness is found while staring at a bookshelf.

Adventure is far more thrilling when you make one plan: to get there. Everything else is on a whim.

Expedia.com is a beautiful website, that deserves more accolades, don't you think?

My favorite word today is Anthropologie. Mispelled. Like the store. Because it is phenomenal.

People who have unique fears like people who stare at them or raccoons are the people I want to spend my time with. Don't be afraid of the classics... Spiders. Death. Who gives a ----.

Laundry is the single greatest chore in the history of em all. You begin with the simple task of loading up the washer, and by the end of it... hours later... you feel like throwing out your clothes rather than hanging them up because who has time for such nonsense. Is this just me? Good. Good to know.

If a person tells you they love you, make sure they've already seen you after you've eaten Indian food. That is a real and terrifying test of romantic value, my friends.

I know that not everything is perfect, and I myself have a lot to work on in my days. But I know I'm happy, and I feel strong today, and the people I'm surrounded by are the cause and the reason for my joy. Cheers to them. Cheers to you.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

All Was Well.

I'm officially back from Chicago, and so glad to be home!!! I've been a lazy pile of nothing today, and I couldn't be happier about it. Sometimes, especially after a vacation in a busy city, you need a day to decompress and be alone and belt out the new Justin Timberlake CD. YA DIGG? 

I loved the city of Chicago. It was so much fun, and full of culture. I'm going to be really honest... a LOT of alcohol was drank in Chicago. I mean, a lot. The trip was over St. Patrick's Day and celebration was had. Lots of it. 

I have the most amazing friends.  By the end of the trip, it was clear we needed some breathing room, but I'm just so thankful for them. It was an amazing last big trip before some of them graduate and move away. Times are a changing on us.... I don't want them to leave! But I'm excited for them to move far, far away so that I can visit them : ) That's how it works, right?

I'm spending my day catching up on all my television shows and doing a little bit of cleaning (not a lot. at all) and when there's isn't a lot to do, I usually let me mind wander where it will. 

I started thinking about the beginning of college, and my freshman year. One of my best friends from freshman year text me while I was in Chicago telling me he was engaged! It is amazing news!! And thinking about it today, I remember him telling me about how his parents met in college and when his dad met his mom, he just knew that his grades didn't matter and money was whatever... it was about her. And litchrally, the second my friend told me he met 'this new girl', and then it was 'my girlfriend', I just knew in the back of my mind she had to be the special one. I never told him that, because embarrassing if they broke up.... But I'm going to convince him and myself that I knew all along : ) I'm so excited for them. I love when amazing things happen to great people. Give out good, and you get it right back. 

That is my life. A big ol' ball of fantastic. I'm going to go read a book or four now, and do absolutely nothing for the rest of the night. Cheers to Keat and Jade, cheers to The Windy City, cheers to you!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

3.13.13 Thanks, Ya'll

Here's what I'm thankful for in this very second. At this very moment.

-Chicago. The city. The idea. The memories I haven't yet made from the weekend to come. Cheers all over that city, dig it.

-Collaboration.

-Guest directors at my university. With a few exceptions, I've learned more from the people who have been here a hot second than the people who are here long before me and long after I leave. So, keep bringing people to Duluth, let them play, teach, learn, and grow... cause we benefit ten fold.

-Brownies.

-Hot damn, my mother. Who never hesitates to ask if my room is clean from 300 miles away.

-Chandler Bing, you beautiful bastard.

-A cigarette after a really stressful day. Preferably shared, and never too often. Never spoil a cigarette by having too many, that's what my mama never said.......

-Sunshine in Duluth. I've missed you so, please don't go. Don't bring snow, let the flowers grow.

-People who come into your life and decide they'd like to stay awhile.

-My faith, however cloudy it may be at times.

-Justin Timberlake

-Justin Timberlake's white boy afro when he was in NSYNC

-NYC. And the possibilities it holds.

-This beautiful, messy, uncensored blog and the readers that are far too kind about it. I still love it, still need it, still am the most thankful I found this outlet.

Only two more days til break! Eeeek!!!! Cheers to you.

Monday, March 11, 2013

All The Letting Go

I am currently in the middle of a busy week, and I barely have time to eat let alone settle down and think through my days. Part of the 'busy' is being in tech week for the next show at my university, How I Learned To Drive. I sat and watched the first dress performance and after a few days of running around checking things off my to-do list, I was able to sit for an hour and a half and watch a performance. It was amazing. For some reason, I have never been able to watch the show as I did tonight, completely invested. If you were to ask my director, he may say it could have been better. If you were to ask the actors, they may say they didn't have it tonight (whatever 'it' is for them), but that's my favorite thing about working in theatre. It can be an off night, an actor can get off track in a scene and it still works. That happened tonight...

There is a character in the show that struggles, harshly, with inner demons. Alcoholism is one of the 'isms' he battles. In my life, alcoholism has played some dirty cards. At a point in the performance, the man is breaking down..reaching his limit, and when asked if he is okay, he stands up-dusts himself off- says he's 'fine' and that after years of sobriety 'he could use a real drink.' Now, tonight, the actor playing this man got off beat, and the struggle for him to find his words were so honest... I couldn't breathe because I was with him every step. I wasn't with the actor. I didn't even know he wasn't following the script word for word. I was with the character. Especially when he breaks and says he could use that drink...

I think it was the first time I really heard that line. And it hit me hard. I thought about my dad. Not Bruce Paul, the man everyone knows as my dad... But Kent. My biological father. My heart broke thinking about him and the times where he was fighting this demon and broke down and lost. From the stories I've heard about who he was, he lost that fight a lot. I remember times where I would curse his name and blame him for all the bad in my life. I remember times where I would cry so hard I got sick because I was so angry at him. I remember days where I realized I hadn't thought about him in weeks. Like tonight. I haven't thought about Kent in weeks. Months.

At twenty one, I've lived twenty years and eight months without Kent as my parent. I would ask my mom why other kids has dads and where mine was. After endless questions, I met him. When I was seven, living in a new town with a new dad that didn't understand me, I walked up the bleachers at my brother's football game... and there he was. I was shocked that I could resemble someone so foreign to me. How I talk, walk, laugh... it's all him. Getting to know him was an education. It was comfortable, easy. It was fun. But then his demons came calling, and he left. Again. I cursed his name and vowed to never let him back in my life no matter how hard he tried. That was thirteen years ago. 

That's why this scene helped me tonight. It helped me remember how amazing the act of forgiveness is. There is a lot of life between me and Kent. Lightyears of distance, measured by pain and sadness, confusion and loss. But there has never been a part of me that hasn't been able to forgive him. Growing up knowing someone left is hard, but he is on his own journey. I pray he maintains the sobriety I've heard he has. I pray that when his head hits the pillow at night, he feels good about the day he's had. And I hope that he knows he has two kids that are doing just fine. Better. They're making it. 

Forgiveness is such a journey. When the wound reopens and that pain floods back into my life, I forget the payoff. Being able to forgive a man who did so much wrong, makes it right. Because, just like the lead character says in the play... I was lucky. For the time that I did know Kent, I found out so much about who I am and where I come from. From the time that Kent left for good I've always had a father figure. Bruce and I butted heads and fought our battles, but he is the man that raised me. While there is pain from Kent leaving, there is gratitude for Bruce staying. My dad. My friend. Pops. 

It's amazing how things in life play themselves out, and people who you expect to be there forever are gone too soon. When they leave, you cannot fathom a world without them. And suddenly, there it is. The demons of life have come and swept them away. By forgiving them, you've allowed them to continue on their path. Dusting themselves off and nursing their wounds, taking each day one small step at a time. I believe that forgiving Kent, whether he knows it or not, has allowed me to feel at peace with our past. And when the wound reopens, when I'm reminded of his demons -like tonight- I get the opportunity to remember why it is that forgiveness is so good. Forgiveness kills all demons. It makes things right. It takes time, patience, and a lot of tears.... But it catapults you towards happiness, which is something we all deserve. 

So, cheers to my dads. Bruce, my main man, who has to deal with my ability to make a joke out of anything on a daily basis..And to Kent, who has helped shaped who I am more than he will ever know.  Wherever you are, whatever you're doing...be well. Cheers to this fantastic show with a brilliant cast and crew. Cheers to the loving, the knowing, and all the letting go. 

Thursday, March 7, 2013

To The Vulnerable.

I was in class on Tuesday night, and my professor said something that has really stuck with me. We're talking about the differences between race and ethnicity, and how as homosapiens, we are one race. Our enthicities are what seperate us, but not our race. We talked further about how we cannot choose what we are blessed with. My professor is an attractive middle aged white man, wife and children, has been 'poor' in terms of raising children is expensive, but never close to bankruptcy. He talked about how in his upbringing his parents worked really hard, and they had a lot to show for it. He basically explained the upbrining of at least 75% of the students in my class. Suburbia, blessed, and very fortunate. What he said next is what has stayed with me.

While we cannot be defined by what we were given beyond our control, we can be defined by how we help the vulnerable. Those that cannot help that they were born into poverty, or broken homes, or with disabilities. And I love that. I love those words. We are defined by how we help the vulnerable.

I wanted to share it because I hope wherever you're at in life, whatever phase you're in the midst of, I hope you have someone cheering you on at all times. Whether it's your daughter, your friend at work, your dog. Someone or something that keeps you going and helping you when you're vulnerable. I know for a fact that the only way I keep going at times is by reminding myself of those people in my life that pick me up.

So, cheers to the vulnerable. To those who make it work, everyday, and never stop trying. Cheers to those who recognize their blessings, and use them to give out good. Cheers to you.


Nomad

Sometimes, I watch the show GIRLS, and I revel in the fact that my life is at least somewhat normal compared to others... And, other times, I hear a line in the show that makes me laugh for days. From the last episode, it was something like 'Oh, great.. Marnie has another astounding revelation about growing up.' (this is by no means the line but it's what I remember) I laughed so hard because I seriously feel like everyone around me is like.... We get it, MacK! Growing up sucks! Go write another blog about it, BITCHHHHHH.

Welp. I will.

I have my last weekend at my job this weekend, and another job starts soon. Transitions make me nervous, but I'm excited to start anew. And to change my scenery a bit. I think I'll change my scenery a lot in the next few years. I'm excited to graduate, to get out of Duluth, and to explore for the rest of my days.

Cheers to beginnings.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Shake the Dust

Today I learned that sometimes people are mean. And talk about you in a negative way when you are not around and that is gross. Grow up. Give people the benefit of the doubt, and give people the opportunity to speak.

I was able to talk to a few friends about this said bullllllshiiittttt and I got amazing advice back.

There's this thing I do, I try and make every person on this planet like me. Even if I screw up, even if I'm impatient, even if I have a bad hair day. I try and make it so that no one person can say a bad thing about me. And that's fucking exhausting.

This person that did a rude thing? She's not my people. She's, as one of my best friend's put it, is a person on my journey and is showing me what kind of qualities I never want to possess. I'm embarrassed that my name is connected to what she's saying. I'm sad that people may be talking badly about me.... but I have no idea if that's happening or not and it's out of my control. Live and let live.

These next two weeks of my life are going to be extremely chaotic. One of the things on my to-do list is to make a to-do list for every day this week...... WHAT. But, I have an interview this week for a job that would be super fun which I'm really excited about, I think it would be a great fit for me, and the start of a new chapter.

Maybe that's why I'm so anxious about these rumors and people talking about me. I'm writing my own story, my own history, and when people change the version of what I'm working on... I don't know how to react. It's my story. But, I can only own what I create. So, I'll create an environment that forces them to say I am a kind girl that does the best I can with what I have. That's all I can do, that's all I will do.

A dear friend told me of this quote her Grandmother would tell her Dad about shaking off negativity. It's called Shake The Dust, and it's basic message is to go through life not angry or bitter, but to shake the dust off your shoulders and remove that negativity. I wish so badly I could remember the words. I do however, know of a poem called Shake The Dust by one of my favorite poets Anis Mojgani. He's insane. And I'll share this video, go eat a sandwich, and make me some to-do's. Cause I'm a free bitch, baby. (GAGA)

Enjoy. And thanks for reading. I still love this blog and what it's done for me. I get to spit every negative thought on a page and continue with my day. That's amazing. Cheers.


'This is for the hard men who want to love, but know that it won't come. For the ones that amendments do not stand up for. For the ones who are forgotten, for the ones who are told to only speak when you are spoken to... and then they're never spoken to. Speak every time you stand so you do not forget yourself. Do not let one moment go by that doesn't remind you that your heart beats a hundred thousand times a day and that there are enough gallons of blood to make every one of you oceans.'

Saturday, March 2, 2013

There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out

This past week dragged on and on and on and on and felt like it would never come to an end. My to-do lists actually made me cry this week. Which says more about my emotions that the things I need to accomplish. It was simply one of those weeks where you don't see the end anywhere in sight and you get so tired you end up sitting on the ground making no progress what so ever. Until you surround yourself with the right pair of ears that listen to you cry and listen to your saddness and fear and self-pity, give you a moment, and then help you make a plan. Those are the best people in my life, the ones that help me own my sadness/frustration/anger and also help me move on from it.

I've found out this week that there is a huge difference in the fear that other people will be disappointed in you and being disappointed in yourself. You know how when you were eleven and you broke that vase and instead of fessing up to your mistake you hid the shards of class in the cupboard because NO ONE goes in the cupboard?!?! And then your mom finds the shards of stupidity and she doesn't say she's angry, it's not about the vase... she's disappointed in you. Oh! The worst! Well, I have that same feeling with myself as of late. I do this thing where I can't ask for help until the very moment where it may just be too late and then I'm crying to my professor and he's awkwardly searching for tissues and it's bad. It's a bad game. And the truth is no one is angry, no one is going to take what I have or haven't (homework is hard) done and judge me...The truth is I disappoint myself sometimes. Is that okay? I don't know. In five years crying over a messy room and my laziness to do nothing about it is going to make me want to vomit it's so stupid. Being upset because I litchrally don't know how to budget money, ever, is a ridiculous thing. I hear it's a part of maturing and getting older and responsibility....but right now it's stressful and makes me sad that I haven't figured it out. I think that's why I get so disappointed in myself, I feel that even though I haven't gone through certain experiences in life, I should have it figured out. And that's bananas....

I will say the one silver lining I held onto through my hard week was the people I'm around. Not just my friends, who are the ultimate, but everyone. From my professors to administrators to neighbors to students I barely know. I got lucky with Duluth, and with my community. Through a hard week I got to laugh and joke and be completely myself around the people that make me feel my best. I'm very grateful for that. I don't know any other version of myself than the one I put out there for others to see, and I've never once been told I should do otherwise. I hope you haven't, either. Being allowed, encouraged even, to be exactly who I am on my good/bad/messy/crazy days has helped me understand who I want to become and where I want to go. So, cheers to my community, to my friends and colleagues, and to my peers... I may be hard on myself and lose track of what's really important, but I always come back to these people in this city, which never lets me down.

Cheers to you, enjoy your weekend and the sunshine!

From Perks of Being A Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky, which I'm convinced is the sole reason I got through high school:

'So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we want to go from there. We can still choose to do things, and we can try and feel okay about them.'