A lot of my blog posts have been me trying to understand the concept of happiness. Of what it means to truly find happiness, or maybe it's not something you find but something you grow within. I've always thought feeling strong meant feeling happiness. In one post, I said that I hope happiness is a journey. In other, I asked how it could be so easy to notice the bad days and forget about the good. Well, I think, a month into my 'find joy' experiment, I have an answer.
Happiness is work. It's a lot of (
One of my favorite conversations of the weekend was with a friend who said, 'The kindest person in the room has the hardest time falling asleep at night.' It goes along with another conversation I had about how people with good souls, with honest intentions, with pure hearts... they take the longest to forgive themselves. It's people who are quick to forgive themselves and move on that you need to worry about, because their heart bounces back too quick. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past few years, not really taking care of myself and being quick to ignore what I truly want out of this life... and in the past year I've filled my days with guilt. It's the casual thought walking to class thinking you're not good enough. It's looking at your bank statement and making a joke rather than getting a job. It's not taking yourself seriously and then being shocked when other people don't. It's little things that add up to a really big thing, realizing your guilt is now a tangible, malignant role in your everyday life. I used to think it would never go away. I always saw guilt as permanent. I never realized, until these conversations this weekend, that there is power in guilt. There's an insane amount of power in seeing guilt, accepting choices/mistakes, and pursuing a goal to overcome it. There's power in understanding our own humanity, our own mortality.
I've always said forgiveness is one of my favorite things in this world. It's a beautiful moment when you can look at someone from your past and feel your heart change... the pain or anger or injustice, it's simply gone. After a month of changing my days and choosing to see joy in my everyday, I realized this weekend that I've, in some small way, forgiven myself. And, ultimately, it's led to happiness. Happiness isn't a journey, it isn't some magic puzzle that you figure out when the right person walks into your life. It's work. It's the decisions you make in your 24 hours. It's choosing joy. It's working to be a better you.
I'm so grateful for this past weekend, I saw so many people I'm just crazy about. I got to feel their pride as they told me I looked beautiful, or I seemed like I was doing well. And I am. Guys, I'm doing really well. The best part, is that for the first time in years, I'm doing well because of my own actions. I'm not waiting for someone to catch me. I'm not waiting for someone to fight my battles. I'm choosing everyday to make my time worth it. I'm working my ass off for happiness, and it's worth every fight. Happiness in itself doesn't necessarily make me feel strong, but choosing positivity, choosing to fall asleep at a decent time... choosing to brush my teeth and make my bed and eat the goddamn salad and read read read and admit loneliness and tell your friend you're proud of him and... to truly live, to have full days of accomplishing small goals... I guess I've never felt this strong. Since starting this blog, I've always wanted to get to this point. The point of feeling pride in myself because I'm taking an active role in my life. I'm actively choosing moments of joy, which lead me to my own, small, unique, full days of happiness. Yes. Yes. Absolutely, yes.
Cheers to the fighters. Cheers to the cheerleaders. Cheers to breaking down walls within and choosing moments of joy. Cheers to you.
