Highlight Reels

You cannot use someone else's fire; you can only use your own. 

And in order to do that you much first believe you have it. 

-- Audre Lorde

Nine days into a brand new year and it's everything I've wanted it to be and more. Well, I mean, still
no job and still a lot to accomplish... but I'm getting there. With every day there's one more application sent and my bed being made and texting my mother the beer and wine emojis. Life is looking really good this first week of the new year. I'm sleeping. Like, actually closing my computer early and reading before bed and waking up as my roommates go to work and I get up, I stay up, and I don't give up. I keep trekking. It's this amazing feeling like I have so much ahead of me in my life. I don't know where this sudden burst of inspiration came from, but I'm so grateful for it.

I was texting one of my great friends from college earlier today. Keaton and I were living a few floors apart our freshman year, and throughout college and now beyond we catch up whenever we can. It's one of those, I saw you tweet this funny thing and I'm going to text you and say you're a funny mother trucker so you don't forget type of friendships. We all need 'em. I heard he had a new job and wanted to see how it as going; he asked how my job hunt was going and I told him that it's just day by day. We're 22/23 years old and all we were talking about was our jobs? Lame. What's not lame is when we got to talking about how there's all this pressure to become a successful human being, in like, a week. We literally give ourselves a week to figure out a plan for the rest of our lives. And when that plan doesn't work out we're shocked because we need to start again. Granted, four years in college is longer than a week... but if 22 isn't the age to rediscover yourself and change careers, jobs, ideas, goals, values... then when is the age? When should we give ourselves the time to be in love with our life? The time is now. Simple as that.

We also got to talking (all through text mind you, it's one of those out of body experiences where you're like 'pick up the phone and call him, ya lazy weirdo') about how we look at how our peers are doing and that automatically means we're either succeeding or failing. There's no in between. You go to a bar with friends and they ask about your salary. You go on a date with a boy and your girlfriends want to know if he's marriage material. Umm.. I'm a child, I'm sorry, what? There's this need for comparison in our generation, I'm not sure where it comes from but it's a shame. I have a friend from my high school days that now works in corporate America at one of the top businesses in the country. And I'm so proud to know her. I'm so proud to say I knew her when she failed her math test because she was hungover. I'm so proud of who she's become. But there's also this pit in my stomach that says, 'What am I doing?' I'm not in an office overlooking Minneapolis. I'm not a college grad. I'm not this, I'm not that, well I guess I'm worthless.... (THAT IS A DUMB WAY TO LIVE, PEOPLE.) When I look on Facebook and I see someone got engaged or won an award or took a trip to Europe, my immediate reaction, whether I want it to be or not, it to say, 'What about me?' It takes away so much joy. It takes away so much happiness... for other people and for myself. It's part of the reason I've wanted for so many years to get rid of my Facebook. But after nine days of teaching myself joy I can say I've turned it all around. Now, when my friend posts a picture of her office overlooking Minneapolis, I can say that it's the coolest photo I saw that day. What an amazing job to have, but I'm so glad I was able to take a walk by the lake and read my book. I'm so glad I can feel the snow crunching beneath my feet as I walk to my next coffee date. I did take a picture of me wearing lipstick, so I mean, who won that day?? Obvious answer. It's such an early start to the year, but already I can see the change in myself, in learning that by focusing on only my path, and my allowing myself time to make the journey... I'm so much happier. The 'highlight reels', people's successes they show on social network... they don't stop my journey. They don't make me feel like I'm failing. It's amazing that I know people who are successful and happy and want to share that with the world. It's also nice when someone posts a status about slipping and falling. It's all relative. None of it should ever stop us from pursuing our goals. No one's success should make you feel like a failure, because your journey is completely your own. The time it takes you to complete that journey shouldn't matter. We don't remember how long it took us to study for a test, we just remember that feeling in your heart when you looked up your grade and wanted to kiss everyone in the hallway because you actually passed. Just me? Moving on...

No matter where we are in life, whether we're starting a new job or taking a semester off. Whether we have a mortgage or can't make this month's rent... We deserve to put life on hold and reassess. We owe that to ourselves. Figure out what we truly want. Of course it's terrifying, but if life is supposed to be this exciting ride full of twists and turns than it better be terrifying. I'm so thankful I was able to catch up with such a great friend at such a crucial part in our lives. In five years we get to look back and this moment when we changed directions and say, 'Yep. Right move.' I'm so excited for that day.

Cheers to reassessments (which is a really great word), cheers to living life honestly, cheers to the terrifying excitement that keeps us young. Cheers to friendship.


Cheers to you.

Future Starts Slow

It's no secret that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. While I'm great at secret-keeping, I'm horrible at I'm-having-a-bad-day-don't-cry-on-the-bus-that's-really-awkard-seriously-stop-crying. So, the majority of people that spend time with me know that 2013 was not my year. Made some mistakes, made some choices that are going to be classified under the category of 'NOPE', and struggled to figure out this world of semi-adulthood.

But... what I have learned from the past year is that it's never too late to become the person you want to be. There's no timer counting down the clock. People may leave, people may get pissed at you, people may be disappointed... but in my experience it only makes me want to live my best life that much more. It doesn't matter about what other people think of my journey. What matters is that I have the courage and the acceptance to walk alone, on my own journey, and grow up for no one else but myself. I think once I start doing things for myself, I'll have the capacity to be a better friend, companion, daughter, student, etc.

So, 2014... Here's what we're going to accomplish. 14 goals, or resolutions, to make this next year of life one for the record books.

1. Teach Joy.

Every day of 2014, I will journal about what I found in my 24 hours that made me feel joy. There's a beautiful book by Barabara Kingslover, High Tide in Tuscon, where she talks about having to teach herself joy over and over again until she learned to fall in love with her life. Isn't that a gorgeous image? I hope that in documenting which moments, large or small, give me joy I'll find that the joy comes from within. It's my ultimate goal in my life, and 2014 is gonna be chance to make it happen.

2. Read my bookshelf.

This is continuing from last year, but I have so many books that I've never read that collect dust in my room. I tried this summer to start with the classics and work my way through... but time is fleeting and soon enough you tell yourself one of your favorite hobbies has to wait. So, every night before I sleep, I will read. It can be a page, it can be a chapter... but I want to give my mind the satisfaction of strengthening my imagination at least once a day.

3. Get a passport.

I don't even need to use it, but knowing I can leave on a great adventure at any time (because bills don't exist, right?) will be an amazing thought to carry me through the days I don't want to get out of bed and go to work. There's so much world to see, and my dream of traveling deserves to be my reality... in time.

4. Move Yo'self.

Some form of physical activity at least three times a week. Because, you  know, people tell me about endorphins and how they're not horrible....

5. When you get a paycheck...

Don't go to Barnes and Noble and spend it. Don't go to Subway and spend it. Don't go see Titanic in 3D 5 times and spend it (I won't apologize)...Put aside at least 25% of every paycheck for savings, right away. This is mostly an experiment to see what I can accumulate throughout the year, especially with student loans calling my name any second now.

6. Take a class during summer.

I want a degree so bad, just to say I have a degree... that's kind of lame. I want to want to educate myself and appreciate my education. Taking a class this summer, furthering my journey towards graduation, will help me conquer 2014 by getting me back on track.

7. Make My Bed

Isn't it so silly that this needs to be a resolution? But I'm horrible at keeping a tidy room. So, my hope is that by waking up every day and making my bed, I'll also pick up the laundry on the floor and take out the trash and put away my hair dryer. You know, grown up things... Gross.

8. Don't call in sick...

...unless I'm sick. Form a work ethic to be proud of, and strive to earn people's respect and trust by showing up everyday ready to work. Finding a job can be so tricky, I'm finally realizing how much of an opportunity it is to work. It's funny, when it comes to theater, I never miss a day. When it comes to work, in my mind I say it's different. When it comes to school, LOL. Shouldn't be laughing, but that's what 2014 is about! Learning discipline and growing up!

9. Shop locally.

I live in a great town with a lot of local shops, and they're all amazing. Eating, produce, shopping... keep it local to support a beautiful town.

10. Complicated Simplicity 

To cherish moments of complicated simplicity. When things are going a mile a minute, I want to train myself to take a deep breath and remind myself how very simple life can be. Simplifying your life by letting go of the past, by eliminating negative people, by having a set schedule you follow, by drinking tea and reading a book before bed... there are so many ways to simplify your days. Life will always be complicated, and scary, and full of unwanted, unappealing moments... but if I can simplify the ordinary days, the complicated and extraordinary days will be a walk in the park. Or, at least, bearable. Either or.

11. Ukulele

In 2013 I made one really good decision. I purchased a ukulele, and I've been learning to play for about two months now. It's my very favorite time of day, when I sit in my room next to my heater and look up new songs to learn. My goal is to play at least one open mic night in 2014, with my ukulele in hand.

12. Answer the call

I'm so horrible at responding to texts/calling people back. I think my family members think I'm in a different country with no reception... A goal is to always call people back. Texts... we'll see. I'm seriously the worst at it. But I miss the joy I had when I was younger about talking on the phone. I despise phone calls... the awkward pauses. There are only a select few people in my life I can talk on the phone with, and they all live over a thousand miles away from me. Weird. So, I promise to call back. There. Written in stone. Not really.

13. For MacKenzie

I was talking to my mom a few weeks ago and she said, quite bluntly in her Teri D way, 'You do so many things for other people, but none of it is for MacKenzie.' (Then she apologized for speaking in the third person... Classic.) So, 2014, I will start to do things for myself. I will bake the cake, I will walk  the extra two blocks uphill, I will take the bus every day to and from work, I will strive for independence. I worry so much about what others need from me, I ignore myself. That's a lonely little way to spend my days. I'm not sure how to document this, but I think in time I'll feel it... the whole to feel strong thing :)

14. Cherish It

Say I love you more. Don't hesitate to compliment someone, even it makes them or me uncomfortable. Give hugs. Let the annoyances of everyday life go. Calm my temper. Take deep breaths. Cherish my time. Cherish my people. Cherish my life.

Cheers to sending off a difficult year and difficult choices. Cheers to hope and champagne and love. Cheers to taking myself way too seriously. Cheers to you.

A Single Glorious Moment

I am starting this blog by stating a fact so true it is painful: I've been a downer. I real Debby D. Let's try and fix that...

So here's the deal: When schedules are full and bank accounts are low and stress is infinite and life just... happens, you forget the moments. I'm all about moments. In my core, without busy life and chaos, I look at my life in moments. There's moments from childhood I cling to. The time I was riding a scooter and looked back at my neighbor-sisters and completely ate shit on the sidewalk. The time in junior high when I missed the school bus because I sat, terrified and naked, in my bathroom shouting at the 'intruder' which turned out to be the house creaking that I had $16.00 in my underwear drawer and my dad kept change in his closet. I sat in there for two hours until the phone rang and it was my mom who totally appreciated my bravery..... Moments, man. In adulthood, or semi-adulthood, I forget to cling on to the little things.

I met with an incredible human begin today, and she reminded me of a quote she sent me last year when I was filling a quote book (which are perfection) for a friend. It reads:

In my own worst seasons I’ve come back from the colorless world of despair by 
forcing myself to look hard, for a long time, at a single glorious thing: a flame of red 
geranium outside my bedroom window. And then another: my daughter in a yellow 
dress. And another: the perfect outline of a full, dark sphere behind the crescent 
moon. Until I learned to be in love with my life again. Like a stroke victim retraining 
new parts of the brain to grasp lost skills, I have taught myself joy, over and over 
again. --Barbara Kingsolver, High Tide in Tucson

By finding the distinctive moments in a day to really focus on, we allow for more moments to appear. It's a beautiful thought, teaching yourself joy. Even more, it's a beautiful feeling. Here are my glorious things. The moments that I will force myself to grasp, to cling onto, to slowly teach myself joy... to fall in love with my life day after day after day.

--Two days ago I got a job. It's at school in my department, with people that will fill my mornings with laughter. The moment I'm clinging to is when I went and told a dear friend I got the job and she held onto me like I had just won a Nobel Peace Prize. This woman is amazing, and never ceases to make me smile... but there was something so nurturing in her pride for me. What a gal.

--Joni Mitchell's A Case of You is a perfect song. When I hear it, I long for love. I smile with hope.

--The first big snowfall happened tonight. Nothing major, but it actually stuck on the ground. It's definitely too cold for just sweaters anymore here in Duluth. I took time tonight while waiting for the bus home to listen to the snow crunching beneath my feet. There's so much beauty in silence. It's one of my favorite things about winter... the silence in the night air as you watch your breath evaporate. A single glorious thing.

--You know when you don't realize you just really need a hug and then someone hugs you and you exhale and think 'That's exactly what I needed in that exact moment.' I got one of those hugs today, and I couldn't help but think at the time... I miss my family. My dad gives hugs like that. It was a reminder of the people that aren't here with me but still have my back, day in and day out.

--I'm about to fall asleep, and I'm doing something I haven't done in weeks. Read. No homework. No paperwork. Just fiction. I may only make it three pages before falling asleep... but there's romance in diving under the covers, finishing the cup of tea, and adventuring to the land of make believe.

--And my final moment of the day, is right now. I find myself wiping away tears as I finish up this blog. The beauty of exhaling and seeing my breath at a bus stop. The memory of my dad giving me a hug the last time I was home. The excitement I have to read my book. It's all happiness. The pain of struggle and acceptance and work and the daily grind.... some days it feels too big, that pain. But it can easily be overthrown by these simple moments. By these beautiful highlight reels. I love this blog. I love what it means to me, and what it's given me. A voice, a stage, a page. It's given me perspective, and time.  I just feel lucky, I guess. Writing it all out... I feel strong.

There's a lot of joy in my world... if I cling to it. If I look for the moments of contentment, of simplicity... they're all there. I've tried finding a word more beautiful... but I'm just really excited by the notion of showing up, every day, and falling in love with life. For some it may seem second nature. For others I may sound crazy. But for me, it's a new outlook. It's a new experiment on my search for not only happiness, but moments. The search for moments will lead to happiness... because it's never about the destination, it's about the journey.

Cheers to the moments. Cheers to incredible women who share their stories. Cheers to you.

Embracing Ownership

I'm finding my way into December and realizing that it's been a long fall. As winter approaches, so do some scary decisions I need to make in terms of school, life, location, and moving forward. It's just hard, guys. It's just hard. And when it's just hard, I feel like a putz. Like days turn into weeks and I still haven't done x,y, and z and therefore I should just throw in the towel. I make no mark of the things I do accomplish. I make no mark of the steps forward I'm making, I only look back and see the time where I colored outside the lines or decided not to color at all.

I'm comparing myself to others a lot. I was at dinner the other day and a good friend mentioned, 'I don't know how (insert best friends name here) does it. I mean, if (best friend) can do it, we can.' And I thought, what the fuck.... why can't I do this? This best friend has overcome a lot. And because I'm not BFF, I'm like... you FUCKING rock, BFF. But, if you were to ask BFF, and I have, it's not like every day is a picnic and a walk by Lady Superior. I talked about this about a week ago with BFF, and she (i'm sick of saying BFF, okay...) said that I can't compare it. It's a kind of grief that only she knows. And it's so true.

So, maybe this fall I'm going through my own kind of grief. I don't like calling it that. I'm going through my own kind of hard. My own. When I step back and realize that it's my story, my journey, my path... I can kind of calm down. I can begin to look at the big picture and see that at 22 years old, I can change. I can turn life upside down seventy different ways if I want to. I have the ability and the opportunity to do whatever I want, in a sense. If it takes me twice as long as the rest of the 22 year olds on the planet, I have no doubt they'll be waiting at the finish line to cheer me on. I have really good people in my life, that only want the best for me... that daily reminder makes things feel a lot like calm. Even if just for a minute.

I truly have no idea what the next year of my life looks like. I'm terrified. But, there's so much good that can come from time. My mom gave me an amazing piece of advice this summer. I asked what she does during a bad day... how can you get through it and move on? And she said you tell yourself there's time. It's one more hour until you get to sleep. It's one more shift at work until a day off. It's one more wake up until you see someone you really want to see. There's always time. Time can be a really good friend, if you let it guide you through the bad.

So, I'll hold onto time as I navigate through the bad days in search for the good. There truly is good in every day... Why is that so easy to let go of? Maybe I'll start writing down the good from each day. Get back to what this blog is about... feeling strong. If I'm only writing about the bad, it's all I remember. If I'm only writing about the good... I'm forgetting the whole point of this blog and what it means to me. This period of 'what now?' will fade. This too shall pass. Life is a beautiful ride, and it's just about time I took back the reigns.

'Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous on giving up on love and belonging and joy-- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to experience darkness will we discover the infinite power of light.' 
--Brene Brown 

Cheers.

I Could See For Miles, Miles, Miles

You know when you have a cold you get this feeling that you'll never-ever not have a cold? You forget what it's like to be healthy. You think, 'Well, I'll never go to the gym again because running while not-breathing is impossible.' (Just me?) You tell yourself if you get back to full health you'll never allow yourself to get this sick again. You'll wear three winter coats if that's what if takes. You'll buy Airborne and drink all the orange juice on this planet.

That's kind of like happiness. You forget that there was a time where you were really happy. On the bad days, you forget that there's a goal. You forget that there's a reason to get up and stay up. You forget that it's a ride, with the hills and the valleys. With the flat tires. With the roll overs. It's a ride.

That's autumn for me. This autumn at least. I haven't really made goals. I haven't made plans. I don't feel like I'm really living, I feel like I'm existing. Which, I mean, at the end of the day... that's something. That's better than not existing. A few months ago I was in a place where I said, 'I'm kicking depression's ass' and then it was all like 'You think, huh?'.... and now I'm here. We've both gone down swinging and I think it's time we call it a draw.

I think it's time I make some plans. And have no expectations. Have no judgements. Just accomplish these goals I have in my head and give myself time to do it. Breathe. You know? I met with a woman today who knows nothing about me... knows very little about why I'm a horrible student and why I litchrally hate talking about myself. And she took one look at me and told me to breathe. And to take time to figure out why I'm where I'm at. And it was such a... a moment. This woman gets a dozen kids a week telling her they are failing this and failing that and this is why and here's this excuse... I mean, I would be so tired of it. But as I was leaving her office, she smiled at me and she said 'I'm here to help you. I get to help you.' Two sentences that stopped me from going into a bathroom and crying. I walked out with my head held high, knowing that I'm currently fixing this big ol' flat tire... but I'm gonna be back on the road soon. I'm so thankful to that woman. I'm so thankful.

I have no idea where this journey will take me. Where I will take myself... I just know that I have people in my life that understand. I have people that don't. And I need them both. I get to continue my journey towards happiness. I get to try my hardest to pass these classes and want for more. I get to right the wrongs. As I go into another rehearsal tonight, I feel full. It might be the warm coffee I just chugged... But I feel like I have this energy. It's going to be such a long journey. And I'm so very scared. But this too shall pass. And when it does, I will continue on my way... not taking one goddamn look in the rearview mirror.

Cheers to the moments of happiness. Cheers to the moments of sadness. We need them both. Cheers to the journey...

TGIF

Fall has been hard. And that's all I know how to write. I'm at a position where I can turn it around, I can make things better... I just don't know if I have the energy. The first snowfall is here and I just want to sleep through it.

Time, once again, for a change. This too shall pass, it always does, but I wish the pain would let up. I think that's my realization of the week... which was particularly hard. I was having dinner with a friend and he said, 'We just have to work through the pain.'

We. Everyone. Everyone's in their own version of pain. No one's pain is superior to another's. People may be going through harder times, lord knows I look to my best friends and their situations and find so much strength in how they continue on... but that doesn't mean other people's pain isn't there. If I can own this pain, if I can say it's a shitty week... maybe it can pass.

I'm struggling in school. I'm struggling with finding a job. I'm struggling in stupid decision making. I'm struggling in not forming an addiction to cigarettes, which feel so goddamn good during a bad, cold week. I'm struggling in fighting the urge to eat all the chocolate made on this big ol' planet. I'm struggling. And it's very painful. Because while I'm surrounded by I love yous and you can do it's... I feel alone. That whole 'growing up is lonely because it's an independent act' thing is wearing on me.

I don't know what it will take to turn this around, I just know I'm ready for a change. I need to be ready to do the work... Maybe not even ready. I just need to, as my dad says, 'Get some fucking gumption.'

Cheers to gumption... where the fuck you at? Come find me, let's boogie.

Truth Bomb

Truth Bomb: I need a fucking beer.

There, I said it. I just need a beer. I need to be at my parents house, sitting on their deck, drinking a beer and laughing about the mistakes I made when I was twelve. I need to be at a bar with my best friends celebrating making it through one more day of semi-adulthood-craziness. I need to be in California visiting my best friends, hitting up bars too fancy for us but we fake it til we make it.

I need to get away from this bad week. And it's not just me. Which is a good and bad thing. Literally, every one I've talked to about my slump has said, you're telling me... We're tired, we're emotional, we're uninspired. Stressed out. And it's just a bad week... it will pass... but I need a beer.

I need a listen-to-Steve-Martin-play-the-banjo-watch-Hocus-Pocus-drink-beer-and-cry-my-fecking-eyes-out kind of night.

You know?

[compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll get nowhere]