Honey & I

Last night I spent time with a few gals and gents I have spent the past few years with. It was such a beautiful moment to just sit in a room and talk, vent, joke, and most importantly laugh. Most of them are well into their last semester of school, and it's a bizarre feeling to know that I started school before them and will be here after they leave. In my most selfish of moments, it makes me feel lesser. In my strongest moments, I know with everything in me taking time from school was the best decision I could have made. And I've been met with nothing but kindness from so many people about taking control of my life and creating my own path. It's a beautiful thing when you can feel a person's support, their guiding hand on your back on the really bad days.

Last night as I was about to leave, one of the girls that hosted our evening told me such kind words, I feel selfish even sharing them... but. whatever. imma do it. She told me that there have been moments throughout our time together in college, specifically this year, where she had said to herself that if she could be anyone for a day she would be me. And I'm thinking... ME?! What? Immediately my mind went into 'You're getting a compliment, smile and hug and you'll process this later' mode. It was such an unbelievable kindness she showed me. It's an amazing thing to tell someone. But the insecurities of life took that moment and I immediately told myself, 'She doesn't really know me.' And that's just not fair. That's not what I want for myself. I'm not sure why it happened, or why I couldn't accept the gift I was being given by being told I was someone who is interesting, beautiful, kind, and most importantly human enough to embody for a day. I guess I thought, more than anything, if she were to live in my shoes for a day she would see how un-spectacular I really was as a person. But... this morning, over my peanut butter and honey toast, I'm calling bullshit.

Spectacular has to mean getting up for work on time. Spectacular has to mean cutting your bangs yourself and of course they're uneven but they're mine and they're perfect. Spectacular has to mean not fitting into your jeans so you wear dresses until that happens again. Spectacular has to mean forcing yourself to write by going to a coffee shop with no wallet, no internet and no headphones so you're forced to find out what new updates Microsoft Word is working with. Spectacular has to be the most human moments you carry with you day to day, because those moments are what make me feel strong.

I don't like self-doubt. I don't like loneliness. I don't like turning a compliment into a worry. But maybe that's part of the makeup of MacKenzie. I can never truly understand why someone would want to live as me when I get so bored/lonely/tired just going to work and coming home... maybe somewhere in the world there is a person who can't feel those things... who longs for emotion. They can have some of mine. I'm willing to give that up for day. But just a day. I think I'd miss it if it left. Weird.

Cheers to the compliments that stay with you, deep inside for a long long time. Cheers to kind words, and kind souls. Cheers to you.

Little Fighter Girl

This blog is kind of a jumbled mess, so forgive the bad grammar/typos/no clear beginning middle end to it all. I'm currently sitting in my room, tea and book beside me, ready to call it a night (7:30 pm, I'm 79 years old, thankyouverymuch) after a near perfect weekend. I got to see so many people I absolutely adore in the past two days... I was able to watch theatre, drink a very large beer, dance, and have meaningful, honest conversations with people I'm just crazy about. That's all I really want, meaningful moments with people that fill my life with joy.

A lot of my blog posts have been me trying to understand the concept of happiness. Of what it means to truly find happiness, or maybe it's not something you find but something you grow within. I've always thought feeling strong meant feeling happiness. In one post, I said that I hope happiness is a journey. In other, I asked how it could be so easy to notice the bad days and forget about the good. Well, I think, a month into my 'find joy' experiment, I have an answer.

Happiness is work. It's a lot of (fucking) work, and it's the most gratifying work I've ever experienced.  It takes waking up every morning and choosing a positive, healthy life. Every single person gets the same 24 hours each day, how we choose to spend them is a result in our ultimate happiness. I saw a play last night, and a character asks, point blank: 'Who said you were owed happiness?' It stays with me because I truly think for a few years there I expected happiness. I expected a life with things and people and experiences without actually working for anything. I'm not sure why it took me so long to choose happiness for myself, but I'm so grateful it's finally here.

One of my favorite conversations of the weekend was with a friend who said, 'The kindest person in the room has the hardest time falling asleep at night.' It goes along with another conversation I had about how people with good souls, with honest intentions, with pure hearts... they take the longest to forgive themselves. It's people who are quick to forgive themselves and move on that you need to worry about, because their heart bounces back too quick. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past few years, not really taking care of myself and being quick to ignore what I truly want out of this life... and in the past year I've filled my days with guilt. It's the casual thought walking to class thinking you're not good enough. It's looking at your bank statement and making a joke rather than getting a job. It's not taking yourself seriously and then being shocked when other people don't. It's little things that add up to a really big thing, realizing your guilt is now a tangible, malignant role in your everyday life. I used to think it would never go away. I always saw guilt as permanent. I never realized, until these conversations this weekend, that there is power in guilt. There's an insane amount of power in seeing guilt, accepting choices/mistakes, and pursuing a goal to overcome it. There's power in understanding our own humanity, our own mortality.

I've always said forgiveness is one of my favorite things in this world. It's a beautiful moment when you can look at someone from your past and feel your heart change... the pain or anger or injustice, it's simply gone. After a month of changing my days and choosing to see joy in my everyday, I realized this weekend that I've, in some small way, forgiven myself. And, ultimately, it's led to happiness. Happiness isn't a journey, it isn't some magic puzzle that you figure out when the right person walks into your life. It's work. It's the decisions you make in your 24 hours. It's choosing joy. It's working to be a better you.

I'm so grateful for this past weekend, I saw so many people I'm just crazy about. I got to feel their pride as they told me I looked beautiful, or I seemed like I was doing well. And I am. Guys, I'm doing really well. The best part, is that for the first time in years, I'm doing well because of my own actions. I'm not waiting for someone to catch me. I'm not waiting for someone to fight my battles. I'm choosing everyday to make my time worth it. I'm working my ass off for happiness, and it's worth every fight. Happiness in itself doesn't necessarily make me feel strong, but choosing positivity, choosing to fall asleep at a decent time... choosing to brush my teeth and make my bed and eat the goddamn salad and read read read and admit loneliness and tell your friend you're proud of him and... to truly live, to have full days of accomplishing small goals... I guess I've never felt this strong. Since starting this blog, I've always wanted to get to this point. The point of feeling pride in myself because I'm taking an active role in my life. I'm actively choosing moments of joy, which lead me to my own, small, unique, full days of happiness. Yes. Yes. Absolutely, yes.

Cheers to the fighters. Cheers to the cheerleaders. Cheers to breaking down walls within and choosing moments of joy. Cheers to you.

But This Wind, Tho...

As said in the last post, I've been feeling all kinds of lonely in the past few days. It's only grown since all I've done is go to work and come home and veg out... but this morning, as my friend's slept in due to the first snow day of the semester, I posted a status from work... stating how even though I'm not a student at the moment (taking time off to get some life experience/pay some bills/grow da fuque up) I was able to go into work this morning and hopefully warm up people's day with some bakery goodness and coffee. And while of course it's social media so you should expect a few likes here and there, I find myself smiling as each individual who acknowledged the post. I don't know. Facebook is stupid shit. It's a weird mind game where you post about yourself so people know you're alive and married and bought a new car and look at my dog jumping over my cat and I'm wearing this dress today with these boots aren't I cute and it's just the stupidest... But it's also a place of support, especially this morning when I craved a hug.

I don't know. I feel like a fourteen year old posting about a status... but it just made me so happy. It's my moment of joy for today. My kodak moment. Plans for tonight sort of fell through and so just knowing that even if your not physically with your best mates, the support is never far. That's a great feeling to carry on your back.

Oh, winter. All the feelings, at all the same times. Go home, vortex, you're just a big bitch.

okbyenow.

The Waves, You Know?

I've just had this surge of loneliness come over me. It's the weirdest feeling, when it comes all at once. Everyone has it, and yet loneliness feels completely secluded. Other people's lonely doesn't feel this way, you tell yourself. They have this person and this person, and they fall asleep next to so and so... but that's bogus and I know that's bogus so forgive the bogus.

Short post. Sometimes I just need to write down that at this exact moment I can feel my emotions, tangible evidence that sometimes moments in my day aren't the best. There are so many good moments, it's only human to feel the lows. I wish there was someone to hold onto... but then again I get to hold myself up, and that makes me feel strong.

Ok, interweb. Gonna go watch Free Willy and shed some tears and wake up tomorrow refreshed and ready to celebrate my day off. Anxious heart, relax, already. It's only life...

Cheers.

Her and Me and You

When award season is upon us, I watch every movie under the sun. The films that I missed throughout the year finally get watched, and every year without fail one has an insane impact of me. I'll watch in fifteen times. In a row. I'll quote it, publicly, in a speech, about washing your hands after using the restroom (but seriously, it takes two minutes, just rinse ya damn phalanges)... This year the film that is keeping me awake dreaming about creating is Her by Spike Jonze.

We're here only briefly. And while we're here, I want to allow myself joy.

This quote, from the film, is now posted on my mirror, my phone, I made a bookmark... It's getting a little out of hand. One of my main goals for 2014 is to spend every day focusing on the small, average things in my everyday that bring a smile to my face. In other words, teach myself joy. Fall in love with my life. It was my goal before I saw this film, and when I heard the line I immediately felt this surge of emotion come over me. I love that about film. I get so engrossed in what's before me, for two/two and a half hours my mind/heart is in a brand new, expensively gorgeous place. 

This film takes place in the near-ish future. People dress clean and the buildings are beautiful. Pastels and mustaches, hipster outfits but everyone washed their hair. The world is, in a sense, perfect. And yet people can still feel loneliness and long for more. It was a reminder as I head into one whole month of documenting my moments of joy that in any world, in any place, you make a choice. Everyday you choose to get up, stay up, and never give up. You choose joy.

A friend of mine and I were talking on New Year's Eve, the day before my quest of allowing myself joy technically began, and he shared a conversation he had once where someone asked, blatantly, 'Who ever said you were owed happiness?' Who ever said happiness/joy/health/love is given, without work or even acknowledgement? To me, it was an 'Ohhhhhh, yeah!!!!' moment. Obviously it's not just given to us. Obviously we have to work our asses off to fight for our happiness/joy/health/love. Obviously it's something worth fighting for. So how can something so obvious be so easy to forget? I'm glad I'm making it a priority these days... Every day I write down what in the last 24 hours brought me joy I go to sleep smiling. Not bad.... Not bad at all.

Cheers to the work. Cheers to, always, taking life just a little too seriously. (I mean, really, it's just another film with kooky Walking Pheonix) (Please laugh at my joke about how walking and Joaquin sound the same).... Cheers to you.


Also, how bad was American Hustle??? lol jkjkjkjjkj nvm ttyl

Highlight Reels

You cannot use someone else's fire; you can only use your own. 

And in order to do that you much first believe you have it. 

-- Audre Lorde

Nine days into a brand new year and it's everything I've wanted it to be and more. Well, I mean, still
no job and still a lot to accomplish... but I'm getting there. With every day there's one more application sent and my bed being made and texting my mother the beer and wine emojis. Life is looking really good this first week of the new year. I'm sleeping. Like, actually closing my computer early and reading before bed and waking up as my roommates go to work and I get up, I stay up, and I don't give up. I keep trekking. It's this amazing feeling like I have so much ahead of me in my life. I don't know where this sudden burst of inspiration came from, but I'm so grateful for it.

I was texting one of my great friends from college earlier today. Keaton and I were living a few floors apart our freshman year, and throughout college and now beyond we catch up whenever we can. It's one of those, I saw you tweet this funny thing and I'm going to text you and say you're a funny mother trucker so you don't forget type of friendships. We all need 'em. I heard he had a new job and wanted to see how it as going; he asked how my job hunt was going and I told him that it's just day by day. We're 22/23 years old and all we were talking about was our jobs? Lame. What's not lame is when we got to talking about how there's all this pressure to become a successful human being, in like, a week. We literally give ourselves a week to figure out a plan for the rest of our lives. And when that plan doesn't work out we're shocked because we need to start again. Granted, four years in college is longer than a week... but if 22 isn't the age to rediscover yourself and change careers, jobs, ideas, goals, values... then when is the age? When should we give ourselves the time to be in love with our life? The time is now. Simple as that.

We also got to talking (all through text mind you, it's one of those out of body experiences where you're like 'pick up the phone and call him, ya lazy weirdo') about how we look at how our peers are doing and that automatically means we're either succeeding or failing. There's no in between. You go to a bar with friends and they ask about your salary. You go on a date with a boy and your girlfriends want to know if he's marriage material. Umm.. I'm a child, I'm sorry, what? There's this need for comparison in our generation, I'm not sure where it comes from but it's a shame. I have a friend from my high school days that now works in corporate America at one of the top businesses in the country. And I'm so proud to know her. I'm so proud to say I knew her when she failed her math test because she was hungover. I'm so proud of who she's become. But there's also this pit in my stomach that says, 'What am I doing?' I'm not in an office overlooking Minneapolis. I'm not a college grad. I'm not this, I'm not that, well I guess I'm worthless.... (THAT IS A DUMB WAY TO LIVE, PEOPLE.) When I look on Facebook and I see someone got engaged or won an award or took a trip to Europe, my immediate reaction, whether I want it to be or not, it to say, 'What about me?' It takes away so much joy. It takes away so much happiness... for other people and for myself. It's part of the reason I've wanted for so many years to get rid of my Facebook. But after nine days of teaching myself joy I can say I've turned it all around. Now, when my friend posts a picture of her office overlooking Minneapolis, I can say that it's the coolest photo I saw that day. What an amazing job to have, but I'm so glad I was able to take a walk by the lake and read my book. I'm so glad I can feel the snow crunching beneath my feet as I walk to my next coffee date. I did take a picture of me wearing lipstick, so I mean, who won that day?? Obvious answer. It's such an early start to the year, but already I can see the change in myself, in learning that by focusing on only my path, and my allowing myself time to make the journey... I'm so much happier. The 'highlight reels', people's successes they show on social network... they don't stop my journey. They don't make me feel like I'm failing. It's amazing that I know people who are successful and happy and want to share that with the world. It's also nice when someone posts a status about slipping and falling. It's all relative. None of it should ever stop us from pursuing our goals. No one's success should make you feel like a failure, because your journey is completely your own. The time it takes you to complete that journey shouldn't matter. We don't remember how long it took us to study for a test, we just remember that feeling in your heart when you looked up your grade and wanted to kiss everyone in the hallway because you actually passed. Just me? Moving on...

No matter where we are in life, whether we're starting a new job or taking a semester off. Whether we have a mortgage or can't make this month's rent... We deserve to put life on hold and reassess. We owe that to ourselves. Figure out what we truly want. Of course it's terrifying, but if life is supposed to be this exciting ride full of twists and turns than it better be terrifying. I'm so thankful I was able to catch up with such a great friend at such a crucial part in our lives. In five years we get to look back and this moment when we changed directions and say, 'Yep. Right move.' I'm so excited for that day.

Cheers to reassessments (which is a really great word), cheers to living life honestly, cheers to the terrifying excitement that keeps us young. Cheers to friendship.


Cheers to you.

Future Starts Slow

It's no secret that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. While I'm great at secret-keeping, I'm horrible at I'm-having-a-bad-day-don't-cry-on-the-bus-that's-really-awkard-seriously-stop-crying. So, the majority of people that spend time with me know that 2013 was not my year. Made some mistakes, made some choices that are going to be classified under the category of 'NOPE', and struggled to figure out this world of semi-adulthood.

But... what I have learned from the past year is that it's never too late to become the person you want to be. There's no timer counting down the clock. People may leave, people may get pissed at you, people may be disappointed... but in my experience it only makes me want to live my best life that much more. It doesn't matter about what other people think of my journey. What matters is that I have the courage and the acceptance to walk alone, on my own journey, and grow up for no one else but myself. I think once I start doing things for myself, I'll have the capacity to be a better friend, companion, daughter, student, etc.

So, 2014... Here's what we're going to accomplish. 14 goals, or resolutions, to make this next year of life one for the record books.

1. Teach Joy.

Every day of 2014, I will journal about what I found in my 24 hours that made me feel joy. There's a beautiful book by Barabara Kingslover, High Tide in Tuscon, where she talks about having to teach herself joy over and over again until she learned to fall in love with her life. Isn't that a gorgeous image? I hope that in documenting which moments, large or small, give me joy I'll find that the joy comes from within. It's my ultimate goal in my life, and 2014 is gonna be chance to make it happen.

2. Read my bookshelf.

This is continuing from last year, but I have so many books that I've never read that collect dust in my room. I tried this summer to start with the classics and work my way through... but time is fleeting and soon enough you tell yourself one of your favorite hobbies has to wait. So, every night before I sleep, I will read. It can be a page, it can be a chapter... but I want to give my mind the satisfaction of strengthening my imagination at least once a day.

3. Get a passport.

I don't even need to use it, but knowing I can leave on a great adventure at any time (because bills don't exist, right?) will be an amazing thought to carry me through the days I don't want to get out of bed and go to work. There's so much world to see, and my dream of traveling deserves to be my reality... in time.

4. Move Yo'self.

Some form of physical activity at least three times a week. Because, you  know, people tell me about endorphins and how they're not horrible....

5. When you get a paycheck...

Don't go to Barnes and Noble and spend it. Don't go to Subway and spend it. Don't go see Titanic in 3D 5 times and spend it (I won't apologize)...Put aside at least 25% of every paycheck for savings, right away. This is mostly an experiment to see what I can accumulate throughout the year, especially with student loans calling my name any second now.

6. Take a class during summer.

I want a degree so bad, just to say I have a degree... that's kind of lame. I want to want to educate myself and appreciate my education. Taking a class this summer, furthering my journey towards graduation, will help me conquer 2014 by getting me back on track.

7. Make My Bed

Isn't it so silly that this needs to be a resolution? But I'm horrible at keeping a tidy room. So, my hope is that by waking up every day and making my bed, I'll also pick up the laundry on the floor and take out the trash and put away my hair dryer. You know, grown up things... Gross.

8. Don't call in sick...

...unless I'm sick. Form a work ethic to be proud of, and strive to earn people's respect and trust by showing up everyday ready to work. Finding a job can be so tricky, I'm finally realizing how much of an opportunity it is to work. It's funny, when it comes to theater, I never miss a day. When it comes to work, in my mind I say it's different. When it comes to school, LOL. Shouldn't be laughing, but that's what 2014 is about! Learning discipline and growing up!

9. Shop locally.

I live in a great town with a lot of local shops, and they're all amazing. Eating, produce, shopping... keep it local to support a beautiful town.

10. Complicated Simplicity 

To cherish moments of complicated simplicity. When things are going a mile a minute, I want to train myself to take a deep breath and remind myself how very simple life can be. Simplifying your life by letting go of the past, by eliminating negative people, by having a set schedule you follow, by drinking tea and reading a book before bed... there are so many ways to simplify your days. Life will always be complicated, and scary, and full of unwanted, unappealing moments... but if I can simplify the ordinary days, the complicated and extraordinary days will be a walk in the park. Or, at least, bearable. Either or.

11. Ukulele

In 2013 I made one really good decision. I purchased a ukulele, and I've been learning to play for about two months now. It's my very favorite time of day, when I sit in my room next to my heater and look up new songs to learn. My goal is to play at least one open mic night in 2014, with my ukulele in hand.

12. Answer the call

I'm so horrible at responding to texts/calling people back. I think my family members think I'm in a different country with no reception... A goal is to always call people back. Texts... we'll see. I'm seriously the worst at it. But I miss the joy I had when I was younger about talking on the phone. I despise phone calls... the awkward pauses. There are only a select few people in my life I can talk on the phone with, and they all live over a thousand miles away from me. Weird. So, I promise to call back. There. Written in stone. Not really.

13. For MacKenzie

I was talking to my mom a few weeks ago and she said, quite bluntly in her Teri D way, 'You do so many things for other people, but none of it is for MacKenzie.' (Then she apologized for speaking in the third person... Classic.) So, 2014, I will start to do things for myself. I will bake the cake, I will walk  the extra two blocks uphill, I will take the bus every day to and from work, I will strive for independence. I worry so much about what others need from me, I ignore myself. That's a lonely little way to spend my days. I'm not sure how to document this, but I think in time I'll feel it... the whole to feel strong thing :)

14. Cherish It

Say I love you more. Don't hesitate to compliment someone, even it makes them or me uncomfortable. Give hugs. Let the annoyances of everyday life go. Calm my temper. Take deep breaths. Cherish my time. Cherish my people. Cherish my life.

Cheers to sending off a difficult year and difficult choices. Cheers to hope and champagne and love. Cheers to taking myself way too seriously. Cheers to you.