The Year I Grew

I can't believe it's been six months since I've written you.

I work two jobs. My feet hurt. I've gained weight.

I'm Bridget Fucking Jones.

Nah, just kidding. I mean, my feet do really hurt.... But if I'm Bridget Jones then there's a Mark Darcy that looks a lot like Colin Firth in my future and I'm hashtag excited.

The past six months. How do I sum up my life for you? Basically, the past six months have been... important. The past year of my life has been the most important year I've lived.

Can I tell you about it?

See, a year ago, almost to the date, I had a series of conversations with a number of very influential people in my life. I had just come off a rough patch of admitting mistakes and picking up some pieces and trying to regain my self esteem and all the things twenty year olds never talk about because we're too young to be this confused but too old to have our parents fix it, so we usually just wait it out. Well, it was clear that the waiting period was over.

I talked with one friend who lives too far away and cried to him that I felt like a failure.
I talked to this one chick who gave birth to me about how I didn't want to disappoint her.
I talked to a certain gem about how I wish I was the kind of person that made their bed.
I talked with the dude I call Dad but isn't really my dad about moving back home. He said no.....
I talked and I talked and I talked, but I didn't make a plan.

The plan sort of found me. I didn't want to move back home, and I didn't want to be in school. So I got a job. I wrote in my journal that I would make my bed every day before I went to work. Maybe by making my bed, by taking a moment to do something for myself, I could teach myself to also not just wash but put away my laundry and not just buy books but also read them and not just buy spinach but also eat it before it becomes some sort of soup (like what happens to it? why does it do that...) Regardless of my lack of ability to eat the fresh foods I buy, slowly but surely I started to build something. Call it a schedule, call it a routine... I don't know. It feels bigger than that?

The backstory is that before a year ago there were days where I didn't get out of bed. There were phone calls where I just needed to hear someone else's thoughts other than my own. There were really bad days. So instead of building a schedule or a routine... I think I built myself a life. I was a better friend. I was an honest person. My anxiety washed away. I was paying for all my bills all on my own. I was a full fledged working human with new plans and dreams and goals...and a beautiful bed.

That was just the beginning. Within the first few months of my new year, I went out and met more people than I think I've ever known in my life. I, MacKenzie McCullum, actually talked to human males. And, like, danced with 'em. I found that while I was growing up and showing up everyday to work towards happiness, life was giving and giving and giving me so many rewards for my hard work. Now, that doesn't mean my feet didn't hurt. Have I mentioned my feet hurt? Okay. Just check-- they really do.

Within a year, I've taken more trips than I did before my twenties. I've been to more family gatherings  than I did in the past year. I worked more hours a week than the freaking president (that's probs not true, though..) I drove through the mountains of Colorado and threw up in a gas station bathroom because of the elevation sickness and it was perfect. I flew to California and spent the day in Disneyland and ate a Mickey pretzel and blasted music through some hills called the Grapevine. I went to the state fair with my mom where she turned to me and said, 'You look really happy.' I got a job where I get paid to work in theatre. I played a weekly game of Drinktionary. On Thanksgiving I took a walk with my brother and he said, 'The past is the past, we only look forward.' I mean, come on. That's a good year.

I don't know how to put it into words, this feeling of gratitude and pride and confidence and love. See, I didn't think this kind of happiness was in the cards for me. I didn't realize that while I was stumbling and falling, there was this group of people who refused to walk away. What you've allowed me to do by continuing to show up for me and listen and hand me tissues and go for a drive and sit in total silence. You allowed me the opportunity to build. I don't write as often of my struggles because they are not as painful and don't last as long. Or, maybe, I just have the right tools now and am better prepared.

I'm going to continue to build this life, bit by bit, and continue to add people and places and things to my journey. I'm so very thankful you've been a part of it. This blog. The readers. My friends. When I started this blog, I was very lost. I needed something tangible where I could read my words and feel less alone. You gave me so much more. The posts on this blog chronicle a fight and a battle and a victory. I won because of me, but I also won because of you. 

It's been an important year. Thank you, truly, for sharing it with me.

Cheers to you.


(feet still hurting)

Advocating Joy

I keep finding myself dreaming the same dream. I'm at an intersection, stuck in the worst traffic of my life. I'm behind the wheel of a car I just bought for $300 (I don't own a car, that's how much they cost, yes?) and it dies (because the piece o' shiiit was $300, I KNOW). I'm scrambling, frantic, can't figure out what to do. The person in the passenger seat keeps changing. First it's my mom, she's drinking beer. Then it's my best friend Jane, who's just straight laughing at me. Then it's Topaz, who is asleep. Then it's my dad, then my friend josh, then my professor, then my fourth grade crush who turned out to be a really hot dude, then this chick that called me a pig and she now has a pig nose in this dream and she fucking deserves it. I'm paying so much attention to the people appearing in my passenger seat, I'm doing nothing to get out of this intersection. I'm remaining stuck in a $300 car that I now remind myself smells like a drug that also smells like skunks. The dream ends when I realize the metaphor for my life and the fact that I'm living in a Zach Braff movie and I kind of want to vomit.

And then I'm up.
And that's my life.

Currently, on July 30th, 2014, at 23 years old, I'm in that intersection. A lot of people in much nicer cars are passing me by. They probably have good credit and a college degree and smell like pine needles or something... I don't. I smell like espresso and sweat, I do not enjoy school, and I won't comment on my credit because the people that want to talk about that are probably reading this right now... I'm stuck in that intersection and for the first time, I think ever, I'm okay with it.

It's no secret that the past two/three years of my life have been this giant learning curve. I have gotten lost on that curve so many times, I think it should be called a learning maze (I'm BRILLIANT.) I have never been so happy to be so lost. In the past six months, I've found more reason for joy than I ever have in my life so far. Every morning I wake up and I make people their morning latte, grab them their coffee, and send them off with a 'have a great day' and a silent 'please tip me or you will have seven years bad luck' smile. I have never enjoyed a job this much. I have never found a group of coworkers that make me smile and laugh and accept all my neurotic behavior. I have never been more honest, more kind, more accepting, and more adaptable. And it's because I made a plan. In December, I was at another intersection and I made a plan, I asked for a lot of help, and most importantly I made a decision to work for happiness, and it appeared.

In the past six months I have also repeatedly asked the question: 'Where am I going to go in this life?' I maybe ask it 5 times a day? Probz more like 64. Somewhere between 64 and 5 is the amount of times I ask myself where am I going and what do I want to do and who will I meet and will I be a success story and what if I fail, but, oh sweet child, what if I succeed! and a million other questions. And while I'm sitting there asking myself over and over why I still haven't managed to train for a 5k (because there's this thing called baby steps and first I have to learn how to download a running app on my phone, obviously) I am seeing friends run marathons. While I'm asking myself why I haven't moved away from Duluth, I see friends moving to opposite coasts. Life is changing around me, cars are flying past, and I'm in that intersection. For a long time, I saw that as a setback. Why was it my car that broke down? Why am I the one struggling so much at this one thing that actually everyone struggles with but I feel like it's just me because no one talks about???

I'm learning to love that intersection. It's really fun to be me right now. This summer I've been in six different states, I saw THE CORN PALACE (?!?!?!!?!_~@), started a weekly game of Drinktionary, have started writing something I'm really excited about, own a bike that I'm trying to fix on my own but am probably just making worse, have caught up on Game of Thrones, and have realized that I'm the happiest I've ever been. So even in my small little world, that's an amazing feat. I lose sight of this accomplishment when I worry about what people think, what those passengers in my car would really say if I told them I didn't mind being stuck. Maybe being stuck with them in a car in a busy intersection will make one hell of a story for us to tell one day...

So, today I'm making this plan: I will always advocate for joy. If it makes me happy, it will remain in my life. If it doesn't, it needs to be removed. If I continue to work towards this ideal goal of happiness, but am always attempting to keep things that make me unhappy, I will continue to feel defeated. Cars get stuck, too many donuts get eaten, phones get dropped in liquid... life happens. So let's create real moments of joy, of following our gut, of making mistakes and taking insane chances and let's fall in love with the wrong person and drink too many summer shandy's and, you know, work for happiness. Let's get stuck and cry about it and then laugh and learn the lesson, just like Zach Braff needs us to.

It was my decision to continue living in Duluth without attending school for a semester, to take a break away from theatre and meet new people and pay my bills on time and find a solid, positive job and I did all those things. That was my plan and it brought me the most amazing amount of joy.

My plan now is to keep on that road. To take my time. To remember to breathe. To be proud of others, to be kind to myself. To make my bed. To read my books. To write my poems that I will never show to anyone, no matter how many beers I've had. And to remind myself 23 is kind of the perfect age to get a little lost, and have your imaginary $300 car break down in your dreams. I hope I keep having that dream. I want to finish it, to see myself ignore the passenger for just enough time to make my own decision, and save myself one more time.

Cheers.

Caged Bird, Be Free...

I was twelve years old when I first read the words of Maya Angelou. I was too young. I pretended, often, to know what words like iridescent and palpable meant. I pretended to understand her prose, her rhythm, her voice. I pretended until I understood.

In most American high schools, you're required to read I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, and while most kids looked online for the summary, I read every page twice. I soaked up the knowledge, the pain, the humor. She was so funny in that book. She could talk about sadness and make me smile. That's because Maya Angelou wasn't perfect, didn't want to be perfect, and probably wouldn't like you if you were perfect. She was the real deal. She was a woman.

Three days ago I sobbed myself to sleep because for the first time in a long time I was afraid to be a woman. A guy with a gun shot seven girls because they had opinions, attitudes, personalities... souls. Because they were more than their body parts. He instilled the notion that sometimes you can do everything right, and there is still a reason to be afraid. And I was.

And as I thought about my fear, or my guilt if it can even be called that, I though about Maya. I thought about Hilary. I thought about Susan B. and Amelia and Harriet and women that I studied and dreamt about. Women that I feel I know. I feel I'm connected to. And that connection no longer makes me afraid. When I think of my mother, my aunts, my best friend, my sources of strength that have seen the darkest of days and yet remain intact... I have realized in the past few days that the strongest I've ever felt is when I am surrounded by strength. And there is no one stronger than a woman. (I mean, childbirth. Let's talk about that for a second.)

So. After a pretty sad week of thinking of all the times I've been told to protect my self rather than have boys be told to, you know, not be sucky people... I've come to the conclusion (not really, my mind will change thirteen more times today) that while I cannot predict if the man walking down the street is going to pass by or mug me (again)... I know that I am solid.

 I will cry at every episode of Gilmore Girls. I think Barack Obama's smile won his election, the first time. I eat more chocolate than is legal. I pretend to be on the phone when I think someone is about to come up and talk to me at bus stops. I think shaving your legs in the winter is stupidity personified. Sports bras. I don't own any kitchen appliances. And every summer instead of buying shorts I cut the pants I've worn all winter into shorts. I'm a woman. I'm so proud to be a woman. And you should be proud to be around a woman, because she will get shit done.

That's what Maya taught me. There is going to be chaos. There is going to be grief. Despair. Heartache with heartbreak. Years will go by and you'll realize you haven't moved. And then one day the fog lifts, you make a plan, and in the way only a woman will understand... you clean up your mess and you get shit done. It's just that simple.

I will miss Maya. I will miss her words, which have made the world a better place.
I finally understand your prose (well, kinda) and I absolutely hear your voice as you say:

I am a woman, phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that's me. 

Sleep well.
Cheers.

Adele Dazeem. What?

A quick note to say that it's the best feeling on the planet when you realize you have been 100% yourself. All day I was crabby. People are bossy. People are annoying. And I was walking around telling myself not to get worked up and to let it go, and I couldn't. But I got home, called Teri D, and forced myself to laugh about it and move on. And you know, it's just the best feeling. I'm not going to settle or pretend that I don't get (fucking) livid at points. I'm not going to pretend I don't overreact at least 78 times a day. No one should have to pretend anything. For a while there, the past three years maybe, I thought I had to push away a lot of emotions so people would think of me as the funny-but-gets-things-done version of myself. I am that person, but I'm also the person that will openly weep if you point out my acne. I'm starting, or I'm continuing, to really love my 22 year old self. It's such a journey, and when there's spilt coffee and people telling you they're better at life and too tight of pants you can really lose the good times. I'm just thankful for humor, for honest moments, and for days like today where you get pissed and then get over it. Some people spend so much energy and time holding on to grudges. They are not cool people. I am cool people. Obvvvvvviioussllyyy.

I need to not be crabby. Aka, where's the beer?

Kiss kiss.

Cheers.

(don't be bossy. okay, bye.)

Honey & I

Last night I spent time with a few gals and gents I have spent the past few years with. It was such a beautiful moment to just sit in a room and talk, vent, joke, and most importantly laugh. Most of them are well into their last semester of school, and it's a bizarre feeling to know that I started school before them and will be here after they leave. In my most selfish of moments, it makes me feel lesser. In my strongest moments, I know with everything in me taking time from school was the best decision I could have made. And I've been met with nothing but kindness from so many people about taking control of my life and creating my own path. It's a beautiful thing when you can feel a person's support, their guiding hand on your back on the really bad days.

Last night as I was about to leave, one of the girls that hosted our evening told me such kind words, I feel selfish even sharing them... but. whatever. imma do it. She told me that there have been moments throughout our time together in college, specifically this year, where she had said to herself that if she could be anyone for a day she would be me. And I'm thinking... ME?! What? Immediately my mind went into 'You're getting a compliment, smile and hug and you'll process this later' mode. It was such an unbelievable kindness she showed me. It's an amazing thing to tell someone. But the insecurities of life took that moment and I immediately told myself, 'She doesn't really know me.' And that's just not fair. That's not what I want for myself. I'm not sure why it happened, or why I couldn't accept the gift I was being given by being told I was someone who is interesting, beautiful, kind, and most importantly human enough to embody for a day. I guess I thought, more than anything, if she were to live in my shoes for a day she would see how un-spectacular I really was as a person. But... this morning, over my peanut butter and honey toast, I'm calling bullshit.

Spectacular has to mean getting up for work on time. Spectacular has to mean cutting your bangs yourself and of course they're uneven but they're mine and they're perfect. Spectacular has to mean not fitting into your jeans so you wear dresses until that happens again. Spectacular has to mean forcing yourself to write by going to a coffee shop with no wallet, no internet and no headphones so you're forced to find out what new updates Microsoft Word is working with. Spectacular has to be the most human moments you carry with you day to day, because those moments are what make me feel strong.

I don't like self-doubt. I don't like loneliness. I don't like turning a compliment into a worry. But maybe that's part of the makeup of MacKenzie. I can never truly understand why someone would want to live as me when I get so bored/lonely/tired just going to work and coming home... maybe somewhere in the world there is a person who can't feel those things... who longs for emotion. They can have some of mine. I'm willing to give that up for day. But just a day. I think I'd miss it if it left. Weird.

Cheers to the compliments that stay with you, deep inside for a long long time. Cheers to kind words, and kind souls. Cheers to you.

Little Fighter Girl

This blog is kind of a jumbled mess, so forgive the bad grammar/typos/no clear beginning middle end to it all. I'm currently sitting in my room, tea and book beside me, ready to call it a night (7:30 pm, I'm 79 years old, thankyouverymuch) after a near perfect weekend. I got to see so many people I absolutely adore in the past two days... I was able to watch theatre, drink a very large beer, dance, and have meaningful, honest conversations with people I'm just crazy about. That's all I really want, meaningful moments with people that fill my life with joy.

A lot of my blog posts have been me trying to understand the concept of happiness. Of what it means to truly find happiness, or maybe it's not something you find but something you grow within. I've always thought feeling strong meant feeling happiness. In one post, I said that I hope happiness is a journey. In other, I asked how it could be so easy to notice the bad days and forget about the good. Well, I think, a month into my 'find joy' experiment, I have an answer.

Happiness is work. It's a lot of (fucking) work, and it's the most gratifying work I've ever experienced.  It takes waking up every morning and choosing a positive, healthy life. Every single person gets the same 24 hours each day, how we choose to spend them is a result in our ultimate happiness. I saw a play last night, and a character asks, point blank: 'Who said you were owed happiness?' It stays with me because I truly think for a few years there I expected happiness. I expected a life with things and people and experiences without actually working for anything. I'm not sure why it took me so long to choose happiness for myself, but I'm so grateful it's finally here.

One of my favorite conversations of the weekend was with a friend who said, 'The kindest person in the room has the hardest time falling asleep at night.' It goes along with another conversation I had about how people with good souls, with honest intentions, with pure hearts... they take the longest to forgive themselves. It's people who are quick to forgive themselves and move on that you need to worry about, because their heart bounces back too quick. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past few years, not really taking care of myself and being quick to ignore what I truly want out of this life... and in the past year I've filled my days with guilt. It's the casual thought walking to class thinking you're not good enough. It's looking at your bank statement and making a joke rather than getting a job. It's not taking yourself seriously and then being shocked when other people don't. It's little things that add up to a really big thing, realizing your guilt is now a tangible, malignant role in your everyday life. I used to think it would never go away. I always saw guilt as permanent. I never realized, until these conversations this weekend, that there is power in guilt. There's an insane amount of power in seeing guilt, accepting choices/mistakes, and pursuing a goal to overcome it. There's power in understanding our own humanity, our own mortality.

I've always said forgiveness is one of my favorite things in this world. It's a beautiful moment when you can look at someone from your past and feel your heart change... the pain or anger or injustice, it's simply gone. After a month of changing my days and choosing to see joy in my everyday, I realized this weekend that I've, in some small way, forgiven myself. And, ultimately, it's led to happiness. Happiness isn't a journey, it isn't some magic puzzle that you figure out when the right person walks into your life. It's work. It's the decisions you make in your 24 hours. It's choosing joy. It's working to be a better you.

I'm so grateful for this past weekend, I saw so many people I'm just crazy about. I got to feel their pride as they told me I looked beautiful, or I seemed like I was doing well. And I am. Guys, I'm doing really well. The best part, is that for the first time in years, I'm doing well because of my own actions. I'm not waiting for someone to catch me. I'm not waiting for someone to fight my battles. I'm choosing everyday to make my time worth it. I'm working my ass off for happiness, and it's worth every fight. Happiness in itself doesn't necessarily make me feel strong, but choosing positivity, choosing to fall asleep at a decent time... choosing to brush my teeth and make my bed and eat the goddamn salad and read read read and admit loneliness and tell your friend you're proud of him and... to truly live, to have full days of accomplishing small goals... I guess I've never felt this strong. Since starting this blog, I've always wanted to get to this point. The point of feeling pride in myself because I'm taking an active role in my life. I'm actively choosing moments of joy, which lead me to my own, small, unique, full days of happiness. Yes. Yes. Absolutely, yes.

Cheers to the fighters. Cheers to the cheerleaders. Cheers to breaking down walls within and choosing moments of joy. Cheers to you.

But This Wind, Tho...

As said in the last post, I've been feeling all kinds of lonely in the past few days. It's only grown since all I've done is go to work and come home and veg out... but this morning, as my friend's slept in due to the first snow day of the semester, I posted a status from work... stating how even though I'm not a student at the moment (taking time off to get some life experience/pay some bills/grow da fuque up) I was able to go into work this morning and hopefully warm up people's day with some bakery goodness and coffee. And while of course it's social media so you should expect a few likes here and there, I find myself smiling as each individual who acknowledged the post. I don't know. Facebook is stupid shit. It's a weird mind game where you post about yourself so people know you're alive and married and bought a new car and look at my dog jumping over my cat and I'm wearing this dress today with these boots aren't I cute and it's just the stupidest... But it's also a place of support, especially this morning when I craved a hug.

I don't know. I feel like a fourteen year old posting about a status... but it just made me so happy. It's my moment of joy for today. My kodak moment. Plans for tonight sort of fell through and so just knowing that even if your not physically with your best mates, the support is never far. That's a great feeling to carry on your back.

Oh, winter. All the feelings, at all the same times. Go home, vortex, you're just a big bitch.

okbyenow.

The Waves, You Know?

I've just had this surge of loneliness come over me. It's the weirdest feeling, when it comes all at once. Everyone has it, and yet loneliness feels completely secluded. Other people's lonely doesn't feel this way, you tell yourself. They have this person and this person, and they fall asleep next to so and so... but that's bogus and I know that's bogus so forgive the bogus.

Short post. Sometimes I just need to write down that at this exact moment I can feel my emotions, tangible evidence that sometimes moments in my day aren't the best. There are so many good moments, it's only human to feel the lows. I wish there was someone to hold onto... but then again I get to hold myself up, and that makes me feel strong.

Ok, interweb. Gonna go watch Free Willy and shed some tears and wake up tomorrow refreshed and ready to celebrate my day off. Anxious heart, relax, already. It's only life...

Cheers.

Her and Me and You

When award season is upon us, I watch every movie under the sun. The films that I missed throughout the year finally get watched, and every year without fail one has an insane impact of me. I'll watch in fifteen times. In a row. I'll quote it, publicly, in a speech, about washing your hands after using the restroom (but seriously, it takes two minutes, just rinse ya damn phalanges)... This year the film that is keeping me awake dreaming about creating is Her by Spike Jonze.

We're here only briefly. And while we're here, I want to allow myself joy.

This quote, from the film, is now posted on my mirror, my phone, I made a bookmark... It's getting a little out of hand. One of my main goals for 2014 is to spend every day focusing on the small, average things in my everyday that bring a smile to my face. In other words, teach myself joy. Fall in love with my life. It was my goal before I saw this film, and when I heard the line I immediately felt this surge of emotion come over me. I love that about film. I get so engrossed in what's before me, for two/two and a half hours my mind/heart is in a brand new, expensively gorgeous place. 

This film takes place in the near-ish future. People dress clean and the buildings are beautiful. Pastels and mustaches, hipster outfits but everyone washed their hair. The world is, in a sense, perfect. And yet people can still feel loneliness and long for more. It was a reminder as I head into one whole month of documenting my moments of joy that in any world, in any place, you make a choice. Everyday you choose to get up, stay up, and never give up. You choose joy.

A friend of mine and I were talking on New Year's Eve, the day before my quest of allowing myself joy technically began, and he shared a conversation he had once where someone asked, blatantly, 'Who ever said you were owed happiness?' Who ever said happiness/joy/health/love is given, without work or even acknowledgement? To me, it was an 'Ohhhhhh, yeah!!!!' moment. Obviously it's not just given to us. Obviously we have to work our asses off to fight for our happiness/joy/health/love. Obviously it's something worth fighting for. So how can something so obvious be so easy to forget? I'm glad I'm making it a priority these days... Every day I write down what in the last 24 hours brought me joy I go to sleep smiling. Not bad.... Not bad at all.

Cheers to the work. Cheers to, always, taking life just a little too seriously. (I mean, really, it's just another film with kooky Walking Pheonix) (Please laugh at my joke about how walking and Joaquin sound the same).... Cheers to you.


Also, how bad was American Hustle??? lol jkjkjkjjkj nvm ttyl

Highlight Reels

You cannot use someone else's fire; you can only use your own. 

And in order to do that you much first believe you have it. 

-- Audre Lorde

Nine days into a brand new year and it's everything I've wanted it to be and more. Well, I mean, still
no job and still a lot to accomplish... but I'm getting there. With every day there's one more application sent and my bed being made and texting my mother the beer and wine emojis. Life is looking really good this first week of the new year. I'm sleeping. Like, actually closing my computer early and reading before bed and waking up as my roommates go to work and I get up, I stay up, and I don't give up. I keep trekking. It's this amazing feeling like I have so much ahead of me in my life. I don't know where this sudden burst of inspiration came from, but I'm so grateful for it.

I was texting one of my great friends from college earlier today. Keaton and I were living a few floors apart our freshman year, and throughout college and now beyond we catch up whenever we can. It's one of those, I saw you tweet this funny thing and I'm going to text you and say you're a funny mother trucker so you don't forget type of friendships. We all need 'em. I heard he had a new job and wanted to see how it as going; he asked how my job hunt was going and I told him that it's just day by day. We're 22/23 years old and all we were talking about was our jobs? Lame. What's not lame is when we got to talking about how there's all this pressure to become a successful human being, in like, a week. We literally give ourselves a week to figure out a plan for the rest of our lives. And when that plan doesn't work out we're shocked because we need to start again. Granted, four years in college is longer than a week... but if 22 isn't the age to rediscover yourself and change careers, jobs, ideas, goals, values... then when is the age? When should we give ourselves the time to be in love with our life? The time is now. Simple as that.

We also got to talking (all through text mind you, it's one of those out of body experiences where you're like 'pick up the phone and call him, ya lazy weirdo') about how we look at how our peers are doing and that automatically means we're either succeeding or failing. There's no in between. You go to a bar with friends and they ask about your salary. You go on a date with a boy and your girlfriends want to know if he's marriage material. Umm.. I'm a child, I'm sorry, what? There's this need for comparison in our generation, I'm not sure where it comes from but it's a shame. I have a friend from my high school days that now works in corporate America at one of the top businesses in the country. And I'm so proud to know her. I'm so proud to say I knew her when she failed her math test because she was hungover. I'm so proud of who she's become. But there's also this pit in my stomach that says, 'What am I doing?' I'm not in an office overlooking Minneapolis. I'm not a college grad. I'm not this, I'm not that, well I guess I'm worthless.... (THAT IS A DUMB WAY TO LIVE, PEOPLE.) When I look on Facebook and I see someone got engaged or won an award or took a trip to Europe, my immediate reaction, whether I want it to be or not, it to say, 'What about me?' It takes away so much joy. It takes away so much happiness... for other people and for myself. It's part of the reason I've wanted for so many years to get rid of my Facebook. But after nine days of teaching myself joy I can say I've turned it all around. Now, when my friend posts a picture of her office overlooking Minneapolis, I can say that it's the coolest photo I saw that day. What an amazing job to have, but I'm so glad I was able to take a walk by the lake and read my book. I'm so glad I can feel the snow crunching beneath my feet as I walk to my next coffee date. I did take a picture of me wearing lipstick, so I mean, who won that day?? Obvious answer. It's such an early start to the year, but already I can see the change in myself, in learning that by focusing on only my path, and my allowing myself time to make the journey... I'm so much happier. The 'highlight reels', people's successes they show on social network... they don't stop my journey. They don't make me feel like I'm failing. It's amazing that I know people who are successful and happy and want to share that with the world. It's also nice when someone posts a status about slipping and falling. It's all relative. None of it should ever stop us from pursuing our goals. No one's success should make you feel like a failure, because your journey is completely your own. The time it takes you to complete that journey shouldn't matter. We don't remember how long it took us to study for a test, we just remember that feeling in your heart when you looked up your grade and wanted to kiss everyone in the hallway because you actually passed. Just me? Moving on...

No matter where we are in life, whether we're starting a new job or taking a semester off. Whether we have a mortgage or can't make this month's rent... We deserve to put life on hold and reassess. We owe that to ourselves. Figure out what we truly want. Of course it's terrifying, but if life is supposed to be this exciting ride full of twists and turns than it better be terrifying. I'm so thankful I was able to catch up with such a great friend at such a crucial part in our lives. In five years we get to look back and this moment when we changed directions and say, 'Yep. Right move.' I'm so excited for that day.

Cheers to reassessments (which is a really great word), cheers to living life honestly, cheers to the terrifying excitement that keeps us young. Cheers to friendship.


Cheers to you.

Future Starts Slow

It's no secret that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. While I'm great at secret-keeping, I'm horrible at I'm-having-a-bad-day-don't-cry-on-the-bus-that's-really-awkard-seriously-stop-crying. So, the majority of people that spend time with me know that 2013 was not my year. Made some mistakes, made some choices that are going to be classified under the category of 'NOPE', and struggled to figure out this world of semi-adulthood.

But... what I have learned from the past year is that it's never too late to become the person you want to be. There's no timer counting down the clock. People may leave, people may get pissed at you, people may be disappointed... but in my experience it only makes me want to live my best life that much more. It doesn't matter about what other people think of my journey. What matters is that I have the courage and the acceptance to walk alone, on my own journey, and grow up for no one else but myself. I think once I start doing things for myself, I'll have the capacity to be a better friend, companion, daughter, student, etc.

So, 2014... Here's what we're going to accomplish. 14 goals, or resolutions, to make this next year of life one for the record books.

1. Teach Joy.

Every day of 2014, I will journal about what I found in my 24 hours that made me feel joy. There's a beautiful book by Barabara Kingslover, High Tide in Tuscon, where she talks about having to teach herself joy over and over again until she learned to fall in love with her life. Isn't that a gorgeous image? I hope that in documenting which moments, large or small, give me joy I'll find that the joy comes from within. It's my ultimate goal in my life, and 2014 is gonna be chance to make it happen.

2. Read my bookshelf.

This is continuing from last year, but I have so many books that I've never read that collect dust in my room. I tried this summer to start with the classics and work my way through... but time is fleeting and soon enough you tell yourself one of your favorite hobbies has to wait. So, every night before I sleep, I will read. It can be a page, it can be a chapter... but I want to give my mind the satisfaction of strengthening my imagination at least once a day.

3. Get a passport.

I don't even need to use it, but knowing I can leave on a great adventure at any time (because bills don't exist, right?) will be an amazing thought to carry me through the days I don't want to get out of bed and go to work. There's so much world to see, and my dream of traveling deserves to be my reality... in time.

4. Move Yo'self.

Some form of physical activity at least three times a week. Because, you  know, people tell me about endorphins and how they're not horrible....

5. When you get a paycheck...

Don't go to Barnes and Noble and spend it. Don't go to Subway and spend it. Don't go see Titanic in 3D 5 times and spend it (I won't apologize)...Put aside at least 25% of every paycheck for savings, right away. This is mostly an experiment to see what I can accumulate throughout the year, especially with student loans calling my name any second now.

6. Take a class during summer.

I want a degree so bad, just to say I have a degree... that's kind of lame. I want to want to educate myself and appreciate my education. Taking a class this summer, furthering my journey towards graduation, will help me conquer 2014 by getting me back on track.

7. Make My Bed

Isn't it so silly that this needs to be a resolution? But I'm horrible at keeping a tidy room. So, my hope is that by waking up every day and making my bed, I'll also pick up the laundry on the floor and take out the trash and put away my hair dryer. You know, grown up things... Gross.

8. Don't call in sick...

...unless I'm sick. Form a work ethic to be proud of, and strive to earn people's respect and trust by showing up everyday ready to work. Finding a job can be so tricky, I'm finally realizing how much of an opportunity it is to work. It's funny, when it comes to theater, I never miss a day. When it comes to work, in my mind I say it's different. When it comes to school, LOL. Shouldn't be laughing, but that's what 2014 is about! Learning discipline and growing up!

9. Shop locally.

I live in a great town with a lot of local shops, and they're all amazing. Eating, produce, shopping... keep it local to support a beautiful town.

10. Complicated Simplicity 

To cherish moments of complicated simplicity. When things are going a mile a minute, I want to train myself to take a deep breath and remind myself how very simple life can be. Simplifying your life by letting go of the past, by eliminating negative people, by having a set schedule you follow, by drinking tea and reading a book before bed... there are so many ways to simplify your days. Life will always be complicated, and scary, and full of unwanted, unappealing moments... but if I can simplify the ordinary days, the complicated and extraordinary days will be a walk in the park. Or, at least, bearable. Either or.

11. Ukulele

In 2013 I made one really good decision. I purchased a ukulele, and I've been learning to play for about two months now. It's my very favorite time of day, when I sit in my room next to my heater and look up new songs to learn. My goal is to play at least one open mic night in 2014, with my ukulele in hand.

12. Answer the call

I'm so horrible at responding to texts/calling people back. I think my family members think I'm in a different country with no reception... A goal is to always call people back. Texts... we'll see. I'm seriously the worst at it. But I miss the joy I had when I was younger about talking on the phone. I despise phone calls... the awkward pauses. There are only a select few people in my life I can talk on the phone with, and they all live over a thousand miles away from me. Weird. So, I promise to call back. There. Written in stone. Not really.

13. For MacKenzie

I was talking to my mom a few weeks ago and she said, quite bluntly in her Teri D way, 'You do so many things for other people, but none of it is for MacKenzie.' (Then she apologized for speaking in the third person... Classic.) So, 2014, I will start to do things for myself. I will bake the cake, I will walk  the extra two blocks uphill, I will take the bus every day to and from work, I will strive for independence. I worry so much about what others need from me, I ignore myself. That's a lonely little way to spend my days. I'm not sure how to document this, but I think in time I'll feel it... the whole to feel strong thing :)

14. Cherish It

Say I love you more. Don't hesitate to compliment someone, even it makes them or me uncomfortable. Give hugs. Let the annoyances of everyday life go. Calm my temper. Take deep breaths. Cherish my time. Cherish my people. Cherish my life.

Cheers to sending off a difficult year and difficult choices. Cheers to hope and champagne and love. Cheers to taking myself way too seriously. Cheers to you.

A Single Glorious Moment

I am starting this blog by stating a fact so true it is painful: I've been a downer. I real Debby D. Let's try and fix that...

So here's the deal: When schedules are full and bank accounts are low and stress is infinite and life just... happens, you forget the moments. I'm all about moments. In my core, without busy life and chaos, I look at my life in moments. There's moments from childhood I cling to. The time I was riding a scooter and looked back at my neighbor-sisters and completely ate shit on the sidewalk. The time in junior high when I missed the school bus because I sat, terrified and naked, in my bathroom shouting at the 'intruder' which turned out to be the house creaking that I had $16.00 in my underwear drawer and my dad kept change in his closet. I sat in there for two hours until the phone rang and it was my mom who totally appreciated my bravery..... Moments, man. In adulthood, or semi-adulthood, I forget to cling on to the little things.

I met with an incredible human begin today, and she reminded me of a quote she sent me last year when I was filling a quote book (which are perfection) for a friend. It reads:

In my own worst seasons I’ve come back from the colorless world of despair by 
forcing myself to look hard, for a long time, at a single glorious thing: a flame of red 
geranium outside my bedroom window. And then another: my daughter in a yellow 
dress. And another: the perfect outline of a full, dark sphere behind the crescent 
moon. Until I learned to be in love with my life again. Like a stroke victim retraining 
new parts of the brain to grasp lost skills, I have taught myself joy, over and over 
again. --Barbara Kingsolver, High Tide in Tucson

By finding the distinctive moments in a day to really focus on, we allow for more moments to appear. It's a beautiful thought, teaching yourself joy. Even more, it's a beautiful feeling. Here are my glorious things. The moments that I will force myself to grasp, to cling onto, to slowly teach myself joy... to fall in love with my life day after day after day.

--Two days ago I got a job. It's at school in my department, with people that will fill my mornings with laughter. The moment I'm clinging to is when I went and told a dear friend I got the job and she held onto me like I had just won a Nobel Peace Prize. This woman is amazing, and never ceases to make me smile... but there was something so nurturing in her pride for me. What a gal.

--Joni Mitchell's A Case of You is a perfect song. When I hear it, I long for love. I smile with hope.

--The first big snowfall happened tonight. Nothing major, but it actually stuck on the ground. It's definitely too cold for just sweaters anymore here in Duluth. I took time tonight while waiting for the bus home to listen to the snow crunching beneath my feet. There's so much beauty in silence. It's one of my favorite things about winter... the silence in the night air as you watch your breath evaporate. A single glorious thing.

--You know when you don't realize you just really need a hug and then someone hugs you and you exhale and think 'That's exactly what I needed in that exact moment.' I got one of those hugs today, and I couldn't help but think at the time... I miss my family. My dad gives hugs like that. It was a reminder of the people that aren't here with me but still have my back, day in and day out.

--I'm about to fall asleep, and I'm doing something I haven't done in weeks. Read. No homework. No paperwork. Just fiction. I may only make it three pages before falling asleep... but there's romance in diving under the covers, finishing the cup of tea, and adventuring to the land of make believe.

--And my final moment of the day, is right now. I find myself wiping away tears as I finish up this blog. The beauty of exhaling and seeing my breath at a bus stop. The memory of my dad giving me a hug the last time I was home. The excitement I have to read my book. It's all happiness. The pain of struggle and acceptance and work and the daily grind.... some days it feels too big, that pain. But it can easily be overthrown by these simple moments. By these beautiful highlight reels. I love this blog. I love what it means to me, and what it's given me. A voice, a stage, a page. It's given me perspective, and time.  I just feel lucky, I guess. Writing it all out... I feel strong.

There's a lot of joy in my world... if I cling to it. If I look for the moments of contentment, of simplicity... they're all there. I've tried finding a word more beautiful... but I'm just really excited by the notion of showing up, every day, and falling in love with life. For some it may seem second nature. For others I may sound crazy. But for me, it's a new outlook. It's a new experiment on my search for not only happiness, but moments. The search for moments will lead to happiness... because it's never about the destination, it's about the journey.

Cheers to the moments. Cheers to incredible women who share their stories. Cheers to you.

Embracing Ownership

I'm finding my way into December and realizing that it's been a long fall. As winter approaches, so do some scary decisions I need to make in terms of school, life, location, and moving forward. It's just hard, guys. It's just hard. And when it's just hard, I feel like a putz. Like days turn into weeks and I still haven't done x,y, and z and therefore I should just throw in the towel. I make no mark of the things I do accomplish. I make no mark of the steps forward I'm making, I only look back and see the time where I colored outside the lines or decided not to color at all.

I'm comparing myself to others a lot. I was at dinner the other day and a good friend mentioned, 'I don't know how (insert best friends name here) does it. I mean, if (best friend) can do it, we can.' And I thought, what the fuck.... why can't I do this? This best friend has overcome a lot. And because I'm not BFF, I'm like... you FUCKING rock, BFF. But, if you were to ask BFF, and I have, it's not like every day is a picnic and a walk by Lady Superior. I talked about this about a week ago with BFF, and she (i'm sick of saying BFF, okay...) said that I can't compare it. It's a kind of grief that only she knows. And it's so true.

So, maybe this fall I'm going through my own kind of grief. I don't like calling it that. I'm going through my own kind of hard. My own. When I step back and realize that it's my story, my journey, my path... I can kind of calm down. I can begin to look at the big picture and see that at 22 years old, I can change. I can turn life upside down seventy different ways if I want to. I have the ability and the opportunity to do whatever I want, in a sense. If it takes me twice as long as the rest of the 22 year olds on the planet, I have no doubt they'll be waiting at the finish line to cheer me on. I have really good people in my life, that only want the best for me... that daily reminder makes things feel a lot like calm. Even if just for a minute.

I truly have no idea what the next year of my life looks like. I'm terrified. But, there's so much good that can come from time. My mom gave me an amazing piece of advice this summer. I asked what she does during a bad day... how can you get through it and move on? And she said you tell yourself there's time. It's one more hour until you get to sleep. It's one more shift at work until a day off. It's one more wake up until you see someone you really want to see. There's always time. Time can be a really good friend, if you let it guide you through the bad.

So, I'll hold onto time as I navigate through the bad days in search for the good. There truly is good in every day... Why is that so easy to let go of? Maybe I'll start writing down the good from each day. Get back to what this blog is about... feeling strong. If I'm only writing about the bad, it's all I remember. If I'm only writing about the good... I'm forgetting the whole point of this blog and what it means to me. This period of 'what now?' will fade. This too shall pass. Life is a beautiful ride, and it's just about time I took back the reigns.

'Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous on giving up on love and belonging and joy-- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to experience darkness will we discover the infinite power of light.' 
--Brene Brown 

Cheers.

I Could See For Miles, Miles, Miles

You know when you have a cold you get this feeling that you'll never-ever not have a cold? You forget what it's like to be healthy. You think, 'Well, I'll never go to the gym again because running while not-breathing is impossible.' (Just me?) You tell yourself if you get back to full health you'll never allow yourself to get this sick again. You'll wear three winter coats if that's what if takes. You'll buy Airborne and drink all the orange juice on this planet.

That's kind of like happiness. You forget that there was a time where you were really happy. On the bad days, you forget that there's a goal. You forget that there's a reason to get up and stay up. You forget that it's a ride, with the hills and the valleys. With the flat tires. With the roll overs. It's a ride.

That's autumn for me. This autumn at least. I haven't really made goals. I haven't made plans. I don't feel like I'm really living, I feel like I'm existing. Which, I mean, at the end of the day... that's something. That's better than not existing. A few months ago I was in a place where I said, 'I'm kicking depression's ass' and then it was all like 'You think, huh?'.... and now I'm here. We've both gone down swinging and I think it's time we call it a draw.

I think it's time I make some plans. And have no expectations. Have no judgements. Just accomplish these goals I have in my head and give myself time to do it. Breathe. You know? I met with a woman today who knows nothing about me... knows very little about why I'm a horrible student and why I litchrally hate talking about myself. And she took one look at me and told me to breathe. And to take time to figure out why I'm where I'm at. And it was such a... a moment. This woman gets a dozen kids a week telling her they are failing this and failing that and this is why and here's this excuse... I mean, I would be so tired of it. But as I was leaving her office, she smiled at me and she said 'I'm here to help you. I get to help you.' Two sentences that stopped me from going into a bathroom and crying. I walked out with my head held high, knowing that I'm currently fixing this big ol' flat tire... but I'm gonna be back on the road soon. I'm so thankful to that woman. I'm so thankful.

I have no idea where this journey will take me. Where I will take myself... I just know that I have people in my life that understand. I have people that don't. And I need them both. I get to continue my journey towards happiness. I get to try my hardest to pass these classes and want for more. I get to right the wrongs. As I go into another rehearsal tonight, I feel full. It might be the warm coffee I just chugged... But I feel like I have this energy. It's going to be such a long journey. And I'm so very scared. But this too shall pass. And when it does, I will continue on my way... not taking one goddamn look in the rearview mirror.

Cheers to the moments of happiness. Cheers to the moments of sadness. We need them both. Cheers to the journey...

TGIF

Fall has been hard. And that's all I know how to write. I'm at a position where I can turn it around, I can make things better... I just don't know if I have the energy. The first snowfall is here and I just want to sleep through it.

Time, once again, for a change. This too shall pass, it always does, but I wish the pain would let up. I think that's my realization of the week... which was particularly hard. I was having dinner with a friend and he said, 'We just have to work through the pain.'

We. Everyone. Everyone's in their own version of pain. No one's pain is superior to another's. People may be going through harder times, lord knows I look to my best friends and their situations and find so much strength in how they continue on... but that doesn't mean other people's pain isn't there. If I can own this pain, if I can say it's a shitty week... maybe it can pass.

I'm struggling in school. I'm struggling with finding a job. I'm struggling in stupid decision making. I'm struggling in not forming an addiction to cigarettes, which feel so goddamn good during a bad, cold week. I'm struggling in fighting the urge to eat all the chocolate made on this big ol' planet. I'm struggling. And it's very painful. Because while I'm surrounded by I love yous and you can do it's... I feel alone. That whole 'growing up is lonely because it's an independent act' thing is wearing on me.

I don't know what it will take to turn this around, I just know I'm ready for a change. I need to be ready to do the work... Maybe not even ready. I just need to, as my dad says, 'Get some fucking gumption.'

Cheers to gumption... where the fuck you at? Come find me, let's boogie.

Truth Bomb

Truth Bomb: I need a fucking beer.

There, I said it. I just need a beer. I need to be at my parents house, sitting on their deck, drinking a beer and laughing about the mistakes I made when I was twelve. I need to be at a bar with my best friends celebrating making it through one more day of semi-adulthood-craziness. I need to be in California visiting my best friends, hitting up bars too fancy for us but we fake it til we make it.

I need to get away from this bad week. And it's not just me. Which is a good and bad thing. Literally, every one I've talked to about my slump has said, you're telling me... We're tired, we're emotional, we're uninspired. Stressed out. And it's just a bad week... it will pass... but I need a beer.

I need a listen-to-Steve-Martin-play-the-banjo-watch-Hocus-Pocus-drink-beer-and-cry-my-fecking-eyes-out kind of night.

You know?

[compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll get nowhere]

Hey, Mike. What day is it?

Hump Day Thoughts:

--I can't change the entire world. I can't change other lives by bending them and twisting them into perfect little puzzle pieces that all fit together. That isn't life. That's Pleasantville... and William H. Macy will tell you that place blows. I find myself getting bogged down every few weeks by these massive (how I see them, at least) details and the fact that I do things wrong sometimes. Sometimes my organization is just not good. And sometimes I let my writing homework pile up to where it's this massive mound of 'I don't want to do anything but watch West Wing, fuck off Advanced Writing' and really... day by day is just fine. It's more than just fine. It's how life should be lived. Obviously it's wise to see that light at the end of the tunnel... but day by day, assignment by assignment, rehearsal to rehearsal is not a bad way to live.

--I need a freaking job.

--I'm really nervous going into rehearsals. I'm not sure if it's the right move in this game of chess that is my life. I like the show, got a good cast, it's what I love to do...but I'm tired. I just hope I treat myself well and keep up with life and don't let the picture get bigger than it needs to be.

--I know really great men.

--I went hiking today and went up this crazy steep hill and I swear to you I thought I was going to die I was breathing so loud. Being out of shape and looking in shape is one thing... but being out of shape and looking out of shape and then having an asthma attack (dramatic) on a pile of leaves is another. I wish I had taken more time out of fall to go hiking in Duluth.

--It's supposed to snow on Saturday. DONE.

--I miss my mom.

--I'm only one person. That doesn't mean I can give up on areas of my life. It means I can become a full fledged human being that works, goes to school, goes to rehearsal, eats vegetables, takes walks, and passes classes. I can do this. I don't know what chip is missing in my brain that makes me so unsure some days.

--I'm so sleepy. I have so much homework. I need a job. I'm doing okay. Cheers.

Stupid Cupid

Secret MacKenzie Fact #86: If you sport a beard, I will pay attention to you faster than if you have a plain ol' skin faced face. It's just a thing. Maybe it's the classic 22 year old daddy issues, maybe it's my good (brilliant) taste in men, or maybe it's just the fact that a lumberjack (not Dexter, let's NOT go there) sounds like a good person to spend time with. If you can grow a beard, I salute you... I like you... I maybe even prematurely love you.

Wanna know what else? My lack of ability to talk to men has led me to thee worst interactions with men on the whole big Earth. And by the worst, I don't mean the sad truth that sometimes women and men are treated poorly by other men and women. I mean worst, like the stories I bring up at therapy and my therapist laughs at me as I am astonished being pushed into a snow bank or ripping my pants from crotch to knee could ever be funny.

Last winter, that's just what happened. This man with a beard/sweater/puffy vest thing going on walked my way and I thought (hair flip) 'what's up, man?' and then he threw my ass in a snow bank and stole my Pottery Barn tote bag. What a duh-ick. That beard was not earned, it was a disguise!

------

I used to work at a tourist attraction in Duluth, and every once in a while I would sell tickets. On the really slow days, I would sit out in the ticket house and sing to keep myself awake. Songs from bands that I'm embarrassed about... so I'll tell you it was bands like Grizzly Bear, HAIM, and fuggin Radiohead. (Oh hell, it was Alanis Morrisette. It's always gonna be Alanis) As I'm singing along, I'm spinning in a chair with my head tilted to the ceiling... pretending me and my girl A are jamming on a hill top overlooking Canada and talking about her romance with Ryan Reynolds. (She would say it was 'the real deal' and we'd chuckle) I was spending too much time spinning and singing and spinning and singing that I didn't notice the HUMAN BEING that had walked into the ticket house. This human being didn't look like Alanis Morrisette. This human being didn't look like Ryan Reynolds. This human being looked like Paul freaking Bunyan. Hint: Paul Bunyan is good looking in this scene. Beard for days, plaid on plaid on plaid... and as I spin and notice my future husband staring at me... I fall out of my chair. Not the stumble out fall, the lose balance/lose your shit fall out. The kind that's kind of painful. What does Paul do? Does he chuckle and brush the hair out of my face? Does he ask if I'm alright? No. Paul walks away. Literally decides the freak singing in the ticket house is enough of a glimpse into what a two hour tour will be and needs to get the hell outta there. So, I quit two weeks later.

------

Then there was this summer, when I liked another human being enough to actually initiate a conversation with him about something other than how much we're mutually enjoying the weather...

(The topic was something close to New York)
Me: It's about so much more than leaving, it's about starting over.
Beard: It's about realizing we're in our twenties...why not just go for it?
Me: Exactly. You get it.
Beard: I get it. Fully.

(Fun little pause as we both imagine making out on the beach... just me?)

Beard: My wife wants to go there.

So it was definitely just me... His wife, whom I'm just sure is adorable looking would love to go to New York. I was on my fourth Blue Moon of the night so that's literally how the conversation ended. He said wife and I immediately stood up and walked away (hair flip). Who doesn't wear a wedding ring?!?!!? Precious....

------

And finally, this morning... The morning of all mornings. A Friday. A good day. A day to symbolize the beginning of rest and relaxation and catch up. This morning I walked to the Co-Op about five blocks away from my house. Super excited to get some fall veggies and make some soup before class. I get to the Co-Op, and I'm about to get in line when I get a tap on the shoulder. This man, bearded and gorgeous, is looking at me like someone just shot his baby goat. Worried, concerned, constipated? I need to help him, obviouslyyyyyy...

Beard: I'm sorry, I don't want to...
Me: Are you okay?
Beard: You have--
Me: Are you gonna be sick?
Beard: No, but you... Your underwear is showing.
Me: What?
Beard: The flowers. Purple. I can see your underwear.

(Today I wore a dress because it's mother loving FRIDAY and I am all about wearing a dress and boots and calling it an outfit to be remembered. Well. When I got dressed today... I put on said underwear, and then leggings, and then the dress... And apparently after using the restroom that dress got nicely tucked into my leggings and underwear. So... you know, the mistake that every five year old in America makes only once... I'm continuing to make well into my early twenties. Mazel tof.)

Me: Holy shit. Thank you.
Beard: You're probably embarrassed.
Me: The most embarrassed. Thank you. Seriously.
Beard: Who wears underwear with leggings?
Me: What?
Beard: I never do.

Good. Good to know, Beard. Next time, well... every time I ever put on leggings again in my LIFE I will remember to wear underwear because somewhere in the world your perfect bearded face is attached to a body wearing leggings and nothing else. God speed.


Cheers to beards. Cheers to Friday. Cheers to my purple underwear that has been shown to five blocks of 4th street and a Co-Op of hippies. Cheers to my love life being non-existent and fabulous. Cheers to you. Chances are I know you, and you are a friend/companion/source of laughter in my life... and if I never find my lumberjack, if I never find that epic romance full of banjos and harmonicas and log cabins... I have you, and my cup runneth over with the love. Cheers.

Where for art thou lumberjack?

August and Everything After.

The sea's only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at lease once in the most ancient of conditions. Fighting the blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head. --Into The Wild

When I started this blog, almost a year ago, I titled it To Feel Strong because of my connection to this quote. Because strength is something I admire in people, something I respect beyond words. My favorite kind of strength is silent, it doesn't boast or expect response. It's the kind of strength that surprises you, and convinces you to change your mind. When I started this blog I also told myself I would write honestly about my very bad days, and I would track when they came and when they went and what caused what and who helped when and all the details... and then this great thing happened. People noticed. All of a sudden the people I was supposed to be writing about were reading my blog and when you help a woman have a child and decide to write about it, people read that shit. And all of a sudden your blog becomes a platform to tell funny jokes you've been writing down on napkins and part of you is so very happy that people appreciate your voice... but the other part says this is not why this journey began. It was about something deeper. Something everyone goes through. Growing up, loss, sadness, loneliness... you know... 22 year old feelings. The yucky stuff.

I lost what 'feeling strong' meant to me. I lost that feeling of excitement of facing that blind, deaf stone... ready to take on whatever lies ahead. It was harder to write about the bad times, because so many people I love are rooting for me get rid of those. (Side note: I don't think/know if this is true... people root for you to overcome the bad times, not erase them. Growing up is hard.) It's so much easier to write about a bad Monday or the boy who doesn't notice you than to really sit down and be honest with yourself. You know? Honesty. I'm finding it (sorry for cursing) so fucking refreshing these days. Humility... I'm obsessed with it. I was really humbled this past week, and I'm finding it to be such a full feeling. I want to write about that again. I want to write about the moment I don't feel humble, or honest, and I want to say why and... I guess, when it comes down to it... I want to get back to writing about being human. All the flaws. All the moments.

My anxiety has come back in full swing since mid-summer. And I told myself for months, 'You can't blog about that. People don't want to read that.' But that's.. um... dumb. You deserve much more credit than that. A year ago I started this blog because I was very lost and confused about who I was becoming as a semi-adult in what felt like a much too adult world. And a year later, I'm here to tell you, I kind of feel the same way. But what's different, is that in starting this blog, in posting it... I know I'm not alone. This year of blogging has given me so many reasons to smile because so many of my peers will come up to me and say 'Dude, me too. WTF?!' and then we go eat doughnuts. I'm not alone in my fears anymore. I had forgotten that recently, which is why it was hard to write about... but I'm so glad I'm back.

I'm back to writing about the really bad days. About the screw ups. About the moments where I don't feel anything remotely similar to strong. I'm back to writing about the days where I miss my class because New Girl made me too emotional or puppy chow just seemed more important...but I'll also write about my guilt. There's a lot of guilt with puppy chow, I know you know this... I hope you'll bare with me in those moments. They might not be pretty, but they will be honest. I'm back to writing about the days where I kick depressions ass. Where I feel beautiful and worthy and strong. I see the blind, deaf stone. I see the mountain I get to climb. And I'm ready. The best part: I won't be doing it alone.

I'm creating a to-do list to catch up on homework, paperwork, writing, life... and there was a moment that I almost froze and panicked. But with a deep breath, and a breeze coming through my window... I'm reminded that I'm surrounded by incredible people, who support and guide me in all the right directions. This to do list, any worry that I carry on my shoulders today, means nothing. They make me feel strong, and for that I am grateful.

I hope, as fall comes into full swing, your sweaters are warm and the cider is hot. If you're finding yourself against a wall, having to climb over it... feel strong. Admitting you have to climb a mountain is the first step to putting it behind you. The best part: this too shall pass.

Cheers. Skol Vikes. (that's for my dad, i don't do football.)

Bowlegged and Starving.

I have learned in the last week of my life that when things go wrong you have the opportunity to start fresh. To start over. To regain control of your semi-adult life and enjoy the ride. Nothing is permanent, no feeling stays forever, everything passes. Humility is good. Humility is wonderful.

That's all I got. Cheers.