Last night I spent time with a few gals and gents I have spent the past few years with. It was such a beautiful moment to just sit in a room and talk, vent, joke, and most importantly laugh. Most of them are well into their last semester of school, and it's a bizarre feeling to know that I started school before them and will be here after they leave. In my most selfish of moments, it makes me feel lesser. In my strongest moments, I know with everything in me taking time from school was the best decision I could have made. And I've been met with nothing but kindness from so many people about taking control of my life and creating my own path. It's a beautiful thing when you can feel a person's support, their guiding hand on your back on the really bad days.
Last night as I was about to leave, one of the girls that hosted our evening told me such kind words, I feel selfish even sharing them... but. whatever. imma do it. She told me that there have been moments throughout our time together in college, specifically this year, where she had said to herself that if she could be anyone for a day she would be me. And I'm thinking... ME?! What? Immediately my mind went into 'You're getting a compliment, smile and hug and you'll process this later' mode. It was such an unbelievable kindness she showed me. It's an amazing thing to tell someone. But the insecurities of life took that moment and I immediately told myself, 'She doesn't really know me.' And that's just not fair. That's not what I want for myself. I'm not sure why it happened, or why I couldn't accept the gift I was being given by being told I was someone who is interesting, beautiful, kind, and most importantly human enough to embody for a day. I guess I thought, more than anything, if she were to live in my shoes for a day she would see how un-spectacular I really was as a person. But... this morning, over my peanut butter and honey toast, I'm calling bullshit.
Spectacular has to mean getting up for work on time. Spectacular has to mean cutting your bangs yourself and of course they're uneven but they're mine and they're perfect. Spectacular has to mean not fitting into your jeans so you wear dresses until that happens again. Spectacular has to mean forcing yourself to write by going to a coffee shop with no wallet, no internet and no headphones so you're forced to find out what new updates Microsoft Word is working with. Spectacular has to be the most human moments you carry with you day to day, because those moments are what make me feel strong.
I don't like self-doubt. I don't like loneliness. I don't like turning a compliment into a worry. But maybe that's part of the makeup of MacKenzie. I can never truly understand why someone would want to live as me when I get so bored/lonely/tired just going to work and coming home... maybe somewhere in the world there is a person who can't feel those things... who longs for emotion. They can have some of mine. I'm willing to give that up for day. But just a day. I think I'd miss it if it left. Weird.
Cheers to the compliments that stay with you, deep inside for a long long time. Cheers to kind words, and kind souls. Cheers to you.
