12.27.12 Things I Love

Things I Love:

--The West Wing. I just found out thirty seconds ago that The West Wing is on Instant Watch Netflix and I'm litchrally having trouble breathing. I love this show. I love love love this show. Aaron Sorkin is a brilliant writer, and he plays by his own rules, which is very inspirational because following rules kicks rocks. I'm so very excited to watch a few episodes and do nothing today. I was feeling quite bored this morning with nothing to do around the house, but now..... It's on!

--Carbohydrates. Even the bad ones. I mean, I think my hips can speak for themselves when they and I say we LOVE carbs. Foods like Mac N Cheese, Tater Tots, Dill Pickle Chips, basically anything that has a lable of 'this may one day lead to heart failure' is what I'm all about. Usually I try to avoid talking about how much I love these foods because it really is very unhealthy and I should be more kind to my body. But, today, as I make Mac N Cheese and possibly, definitely, order take out I'm reminded that sometimes you have to be kind to your mind before you're kind to your body. Or something like that.....

--The Ryan's. Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, this kid Ryan I went to junior high with that has an insane smile, Paul Ryan (HAHAHAHAH JUST KIDDING). Mainly just the first two Ryans. They're neat.

--Complicated simplicity. I really can't get over that phrase, and how ever since I came across it on a no good, rotten, really bad day I've felt so much better about ever no good, rotten, really bad day. Life is pretty simple when you look at the grand scheme of things, but when you look at minute details.. man is it complicated. It's complicated simplicity, with the imperfections and big hips and laughs and joy. And I love ti.

--Reading. I'm onto my next called Wild, which I wrote about when I had my Barnes and Noble extravaganza over Thanksgiving. I'm finally getting time to read (I've already read three books, onto #4!) now that I'm home and I'm excited for this one. I need adventure, I crave it. So reading about someone else's will be a great place to start!

--Meryl Streep. She is everything. And I finally watched the film Julie and Julia last night, and I have to say.... I don't know if I liked it! I found myself kind of annoyed with Meryl, but in the best way. Her accent in the film is supposed to mirror the real Julia Childs, but I found she was like Madonna after two weeks in London. It didn't read right to me. The actor Chris Messina is in it, and I'm all about him. He's one of my favorites. And of course, Stanley Tucci was by Meryl's side, which worked 100% for me. I guess I just wanted more from Ms. Meryl, a little Sophie's Choice attitude brought to the table maybe? Regardless, spending a night in at the parent's home watching a movie about food made me happy, hungry, and blessed... so I'm all good. I love Meryl, and I'm not saying having a beer with her is on my bucket list, but I'm not saying it isn't.

--Candles. I'm sitting next to four candles all giving off different scents that are forming this magic around me. I'm in heaven.

--Cough drops.

--That my phone cannot Instagram or Snapchat or send embarrassing drunk videos or Temple Run. It's a very generic phone that can call people and text people because let's be honest I'm not a talk on the phone kinda gal. Some days I'm really jealous of the Iphones and Ipads and SmartThings, but I haven't checked my phone once today.... I'm not even sure where it is. And I love that.

--Bucket Lists. I made another bucket list today. It's probably my 8th one this month. Included in this lists is: Marry a lumberjack, Discover a new planet, Learn how to throw fire. I'm dreaming big over here.

Full of Starlight

Most mid-weeks are full of caffeine, and me busting my butt to get through the days. But today is a Wednesday, I am in my childhood home with two of my siblings and my parents, and I'm feeling fantastic. We live a very quiet life. Me and my brother are on the computer, sister is reading (which I will do shortly after this blog post) and my parents are upstairs reading. Such a quiet, mundane day... but I wouldn't trade it. It's the complicated simplicity, the fact that life is very complicated, yet we live simple lives and have simple interactions. I don't know, I'm sort of thrilled about that right now.

Home has been good. I think a few more days and I'll be very much ready to return to my home in Duluth. But this has been a great time of reflecting on how I react to things when my parents are not there to pick up the pieces. I'm very proud of myself for getting through the past six months. They have not been easy. But I sit here typing this out... really, really happy. I'm happy. Which I couldn't say six months ago. I couldn't say that four months ago. And I'm not happy everyday. There are certain nights I don't get any sleep and the days are long and I eat too much sugar so I crash before I'm willing to shut my eyes. But, here, in this moment, I can look around and say that I'm right where I should be. I'm happy.

It's not clear skies and blue eyes (did I just make that up?) from here. I know that there will be many more days where I say, what can I do to become happier? But I hope I can remember this feeling on those days. I hope I can look back on feeling this good and smile and say, I'll be there again someday.

It's a lot of work, growing up. It takes every ounce of strength you have to become the best version of yourself. The reward, I'm finding, is worth every moment of weakness I've ever felt.

I hope you find yourself feeling blessed this week. I hope you feel re-energized, like you can take on the world.

Cheers to you.

Happy Christmas, Harry

Confession: I could do without Christmas.

Jokes.

I love this holiday. It's not my favorite, that lies with Thanksgiving, but it's an amazing time of the year. In an otherwise gloomy, freezing cold month we gather with our family, my favorite people, and celebrate Jesus and all his glory. Some families don't, and that's okay. But I believe in Jesus and I celebrate all that He has given. Families that don't still get together and tell jokes about how ugly you were as a baby....so it's all relative.

I love giving gifts. I love the faces of people who are surprised I didn't buy them some yarn and one shoe. That's the fun part. It's good to be with people I love and to see them smile. It's what I hold onto when I'm homesick in cloudy Duluth.


This Christmas I'm thankful for my parents and all that they have taught me. Including:
-If a man tells you you're beautiful, check to see if his hands are in his pockets.
-Microwavable meat doesn't exist.
-Deodarant is what stands between getting the job and getting the 'thanks for coming in' handshake
-You can't go wrong with a nap.
-Parents that laugh together stay together.


One of my favorite Christmas memory is when my brother told me a certain someone didn't exist. I know it's a little odd for it to be my favorite, but it makes me laugh. [I don't think that anyone reading this still believes a certain someone exists, but if you do... Imma need you to not read any more of this as I have already ruined that secret and I'm not about a guilty conscious. Mkay?] My brother is three years older than me and we never got along growing up. I was a bossy kid, and he didn't care which way the spoons were supposed to face, he just knew he wanted to hurt me with one. We were out to eat and our favorite Sunday Brunch spot, The Crackle Barrel (we know what you're thinking), and I don't know how and I don't know why but I made him mad. I was looking at sunflowers in the gift shop before you're seated and he marched up to me and shouted, 'YOU KNOW SANTA ISN'T REAL, RIGHT?' I was in shock. How could this be? I watched movie upon movie of that fluffy haired man, and he's not real?! I believe there were many a tear, and my brother was grounded for a solid month. That's how you know if was a good offense, how much jailtime you got. And a month was pretty bad.



But learning about SC made it so that I could now watch the greatest Christmas film of all time... Tim Allen's The Santa Clause. I mean, there's just no greater movie to ever be made on the subject of Christmas! That movie is my drug, and I got it bad.

Other classic movies to watch this week:
--Love, Actually
--The Holiday
--National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
--Home Alone
--It's A Wonderful Life
--A Christmas Story

All amazing, all about Christmas, all a good time.

My mom and I are currently wrapped up in blankets watching White Collar. I've never watched the show, but I really like what I'm seeing! Attractive men, crime fighting, good laughs. All things I want to be a part of.

I'm also starting on my next reading list. Starting with Bossypants by Tina Fey, followed by Silver Linings Playbook, and this awesome book my dad gave me about the man who was a lawyer for the mob and then became the governor for Las Vegas. Oh man! It's gonna be a great month of reading.

I have a few weeks off of work, school, life basically, and I'm going to sleep and read, eat, sleep and read, drink, and sleep and read. There may be a few blog posts in between, but if not, have an amazing holiday. Keep laughing, and celebrate being with the people you're surrounded by and all that they have given you.

Happy Christmas, Harry. Cheers.

My Finals Week

Starting: Friday, December 14th. The day of the Newtown, Conn shooting.

Look up Victoria Soto. Seriously, stop reading this and google her name. She is forever a person to be mirrored and honored.

If you waste even 10% of your energy every day with hate... that's too much. That's just enough to show someone it's okay to let the negativity win. And that's not an option anymore. Ever. Negative people, negative actions, negative thoughts. Go. No more. Fill each day with 100% positivity, choke people with kindness, and never stop giving. We have to do this, we have to change.

I think that dedications in books are the best part.

If children in Pakistan can light candles and pray we have the ability to become one. It's our duty, and I believe it to be my destiny. That's so cheesy, but it's what I think and it's how I feel and I want to be a source of light and courage and power in a time of darkness.

I don't know why I cant' just start working on my homework but I will relate it to the feeling of when you have to pee really bad during a movie and you're in the middle of the center row and if you leave now it will be a huge inconvenience on everyone in the theatre including you because you're not positive that you will make it out without peeing your pants. that somehow kind of relates to what i'm feeling about getting up and going to get my book and start reading rather than watching good shit.

i really should delete my facebook forever because i care way too much about what people think about me and the red dot that shows up is slowly becoming more important to me than my hygiene and that's disgusting.

I need you to click on this. Please. You will either laugh or be upset, and either of those reactions will make me laugh.

i think it's funny how when people blog or write online they don't capitalize their i's because why would you. aint nobody got time for that.

i don't know how i'm going to pay january rent but prostitution is out of the question so i think i'll just sell an ovary and pay for college and rent at the same time.

The President is just so good. I'm proud of him this week, not for his insane smile and salt n peppa hair. But for his courage and his kindness to those families and to the nation. It doesn't matter how you voted, it doesn't matter if you disagree with him on every political stance... He should be appreciated for his kindness this week.

I just found out Twinkies are no longer and I prayed and thanked Jesus because they were disgusting. And this is coming from someone that would snort powdered sugar if I didn't care about nosebleeds.

I've never had a nosebleed.

Tom Cruise creeps me out to the very depths of my soul, but that smile makes me smile and I've lost that loving feeling.. oh no. mind control.

I have a painting final due friday and I haven't started and that means tomorrow is going to be CLUTCH.

I'm doing this thing where I see how far on top of my head I can get my bun before I want to punch myself in the face. This is about three inches past that....

If my laundry could magically hang itself up I would do my laundry every other day. But it doesn't, so once a year works too. 

Studying for finals with friends provides the following quote: 

Me: He's married I doubt he wants to fuck you.

Dan: Well he talks about my hair alot and he makes me nervous. 

Emilie: Quick! Someone do 398/450.

Daniel: 398....39..42...carry the 8.. 

Kelly: Daniel, it's division.

Daniel: Oh. I was so excited because it was taking everyone else as long!

I made this video playing with cups because studying is for kids that kick rocks. 

Just realized I kept my pact of not wearing sweatpants out of the house for an entire semester until this very moment where I went to wallgreens looking completely disheveled to buy instant mash potatoes and oreos. Finals week might be winning the battle, but they will not win the war. 

Are you there God, it's me, Margaret is a stupid book. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

I wonder if I prank my mom telling her I failed out of school she'll cry or not. Is it worth the try? I can't tell...

I'm very proud of myself that I haven't worn sweatpants because last year I owned two pairs of jeans and it was not a good look to always appear bed ridden.

I have to start and finish a scenic painting final in about 8 hours. Here we go.... 

Ending: Thursday, December 20th. The day before the end of the world. Whoa. 

Wanna Know A Secret?

Secret MacKenzie Fact: I LOVE learning new things about people. It's gross how many personal questions I can ask someone in a short period of time. And I will. I will ask them all. Because we live in a world where people would marry Ryan Gosling because he breathes and I want to know why. He can grow a beard, so I'm halfway there... but, I digress. People fascinate me. And then I thought, I wonder if there are any secret facts about myself that make me unique, that set me apart from the rest. OR that connect me to a few individuals. That'd be pretty fun. Here goes.

Secret MacKenzie Facts:

-- I think that Anne Hathaway is so horribly good that I hate that I kind of in a way maybe like her. But she detests me. Hard. But then I love that she detests me. Ugh. Puke. Love. Eff.

--Stanley Tucci is my Ryan Gosling. Anything he touches, anything he thinks, every time he breathes... Gold.

--I've never had an oyster. And I ain't NEVA gonna try one.

--The secret to making me laugh is to make me the most uncomfortable person when you're around me. I'll always be smiling because there is no other option... or at least I haven't figured it out yet.

--I'm addicted to Jimmy Johns. And that's not saying 'Oh, I have it a lot, ADDICTED, laugh out loud..' I'm saying if the show Intervention came to me about getting off JJ's chips I'd be that person ignoring their family members and running out of the room. Obsessed.

--Lake Superior fascinates me. Skinny dipping after a few cocktails is a favorite hobby in the summer.

--Typically, any man that can grow a beard has my immediate attention. Those that can't are still wonderful people... but if a lumberjack doesn't take me into the wilderness to our cabin and we get married with our woodland animals watching... I mean, I don't have dreams like that. Shut up.

--Chris Messina is my favorite actor right now. Look him up. 28 hotel rooms. Argo. Ira and Abby. Away We Go. I love his style, I love his choices, I love everything. He's everything. Aaaaand he can grow a beard. Mazel tof.

--My favorite day of the year is the first day of spring when you walk outside and your nose hairs don't freeze, you look around and everyone is mildly happier simply because they aren't lugging around a coat, and the sunshine is blinding you a little bit. That day always makes me the happiest. The start of a great season.

--I'm a Never-Been-Kissed gal. And, today, like most days, I love it. I'm fine with waiting for that one guy to sweep me off my feet. Bring it on.

--Expedia.com is my #1 website. Planning adventures isn't a hobby, it's a lifestyle.

--I could spend an entire day in a small thrift store looking at their book selection. Maybe read a few, take a break, come back.

--I have this memory of being at my cabin, I'm maybe 9 years old, and I'm the only one awake. I quickly get my swimsuit on, grab my towel, and head for the lake. I spent about an hour swimming that morning, completely by myself. I've never told anyone I did it out of fear that they'd be so mad I went swimming by myself... because naturally, only I would be stupid enough to have a 'hold your breath' contest alone and drown. But that morning is one of my favorite places to go back to. Being completely alone, and blissfully happy about it. Spending a few moments to do exactly what I wanted to do in that moment. I think I shall start doing that more now, as I'm getting older. It worked when I was nine...

--I have a closet full of hangers and a floor full of clothes. Dig it.

--My favorite song, of all time, is Whippgrass by Justin Vernon. Here, shall I provide you with some audio?:

--I think Ellen Degeneres should be the Queen of America. Let's make that happen.

--I'm a closet Nelly fan. He creeps me out hardcore, but I can rap-along to his entire first three albums. True words.

--Paul is my favorite name for a boy, it's my dad's middle name.

--If I had the choice to know my future, I would decline. The destinations don't matter to me, simply the journeys. (Ps. Journeys is spelt funny...)

--I think that dancing alone in your room in the dark can cure any bad feelings you've had that day. And beer, there must be beer.

--If I could get paid to do anything, it would be to travel around the world finding little dives, hole in the walls, that provide the best service. It would require getting lost, adventures, eating lots of dishes, and getting to know complete strangers... I love all those things. It would be perfection.

--I live for other people's flaws.... in the best way! If someone is giggling at a funeral, I want to be around them. If someone sneezes thirteen times in a row, every time they sneeze... sign me up. If someone sings so loud that you give them the nickname Beyonce Streisand, I'll laugh for days. I love the idiosyncrasies of others, and I'm glad for them.

--I'm about 80% sure that I'm 0% Irish, but I will take my Irish pride to my grave. I do know, however, that I am 1/16 Native American. And I milk that for every cool point it's worth.

--The idea of pulling all-nighters excites me to my very core. I'm actually quite good at surviving on three hours of sleep.

--I have verbal arguments with spellcheck. I always lose....

--I have a strong, deep fear of compliments. People are so very kind to me, but I do not like any kind of spotlight. I like hiding in the corner watching people succeed. To me, that's peace: the people around you finding happiness. Somehow, even if just a little, you've helped them achieve litchrally thee best feeling on this earth. So amazing.

--Everybody's egocentric to some degree right? They know they have good legs, they know they are smarter than everyone in the room, they know how to balance a checkbook..whatever. Well, my degree of 'Yeah. I dig it.' is with listening. I could listen to people talk for days. I love being the person asked to coffee or to go for a walk or to grab a beer on the porch. I'm good at listening. I'm good at giving advice. I'm good at sitting on a deck with a person for three hours and not saying a word. Just sitting. It's a favorite thing of mine, listening... and I'm the most grateful for it.

--My bookshelves are my pride and joy. My favorite book on the shelf is Jane Eyre, followed by The Picture of Dorian Gray. I wonder if readers in the future will look back at our language and be amazed as I am when I pick up a good, old book. I'm fascinated. I hope they are too...

--I think people who are born with an extra chromosome to their DNA have something special inside them: hope. We could all learn something from them.

--I had a conversation the other day about how you don't choose your nickname. A big secret: I hate my nickname, MacK. Oohfta. I shouldn't, everyone calls me it, but there's something about Kenz/Kenzie/Kenzie Jo that makes me smile. MacK will stay though... and it's a lot better than dipshit.

And my biggest secret not-so-secret fact: I believe, whole heartedly, that if you give out good you get it back ten fold. If you give out bad, you spend a lot of time hoping nothing bad happens. That's no way to go through life. So don't do it. Good.

Little facts. Nothing crazy. All pieces of MacKenzie Jo. Cheers.

If You Got A Plan, I Got A Reason

Tomorrow starts the last week of classes for this semester, and I'm doing all kinds of reflecting. I've thought a lot tonight about how hard this semester was. I was in school part-time, I paid for the majority out of pocket, which meant working full time. I also worked on two shows, that kept my nights completely booked. Basically, I didn't have a day off. At first, it was prime. I was energized and I felt amazing, going from one thing to the next, checking things off my many to-do lists, and finding my groove. But, as it happens, I got tired. And that's the only way I know how to explain this silly thing called depression. Just exhausting. And so, I tried to take a day a week for me. But when your schedule is jammed tight it's hard to find a day. Looking back, I should have been much kinder to myself and set a schedule that was do-able. I'm not a machine, although sometimes I wish I could be. Or, I wish that Hermoine's Time Turner was in my left pocket at all times. (If you get that, I enjoy you very much)

It's the end of the semester, and a lot has happened. A lot. In the last six months, four people have passed away. A young kid, a dear friend, an amazing father to my best friend, and an older woman ready for peace. A lot of goodbye's, or as I'm told 'see you laters'. My parents best friend was diagnosed with cancer. My best friend's parents split up. My dad lost his job. So many unpredictable, hard, grow-up-or-shut-up moments.

But, as I'm thinking of the last six months... I am also thinking of the amazing things that happened.

--I watched my very best friend in the entire world get married. Which was, hands down, one of the most amazing things I've ever witnessed. They always say watch the bride as she walks down the aisle, but I watched her husband that day. And his face, the love that he showed, was amazing. There are no words to describe it. I loved that day, I loved being with someone I know like the back of my hand and see her so unbelievably happy, I loved dancing and singing and drinking and laughing and enjoying my life to the fullest that night. It's a wonderful place to go back to.

--I've become more aware of the things I do in everyday life and how they affect the big picture. What I eat, what I wear, what I say, how I respond, who I'm around... it all matters. It all shapes who I'm growing up to be. While I think that growing up is the hardest thing I've EVER had to do, it has never stopped being fun.

--I've really become focused in my writing. I used to say I just did it for fun, but now... it's everything. This little blog is my favorite thing that I look forward to every day. My journals are glimpses into every part of who I am. I'm so thankful for writing and what it has given me in the past six months. Some people find it in singing, others an instrument...some find it in open heart surgery. That thing that makes you feel connected to other people. That allows you to express yourself and do something worth while all at the same time. For me, that's writing. And the best part, the part that really makes me smile...is that it doesn't have to get any bigger than me writing my plays and stories and filling in my journals. It doesn't have to become my career, I don't need to make a penny off of it. It's completely, freely, all mine. That's bliss.

--I started watching the show New Girl, which if you don't know how that could make an impact on my life we don't need to talk about it, do we?

--I started an amazing job that I really love. Working at Glensheen has helped me grow up tremendously. I did a bad thing last week... I slept in through my alarm and got into some trouble. Nothing too bad, but serious enough for me to realize how big my role at work is. It was a blessing in disguise. I love the feeling of going into work and doing projects and seeing the process of how a business is run.

--I discovered the beauty of coffee. Not just black coffee. Did you know you can put creamer in it? It makes it taste better? I think I should trademark that-- wait a minute...

-- I got to travel to San Francisco on my 21st birthday. Some people get so drunk they can't spell their name on their big day. Me? I was in the sky. Flying is one of my all time favorite experiences. I love smaller planes where you can feel the dip. Ah! So good. I arrived in San Francisco to celebrate with my best friend who was getting married that next week. It was amazing. Secret MacKenzie Fact: I love bridges. I don't know why. Driving over them is something I like to avoid, but looking at them is one of my very favorite things. I loved that city, that bridge, that day. I also loved that day because my friend Charlie met me at the airport to start his journey to Honduras for the summer. We both shared a few drinks, and started our adventures to completely new territory. I have butterflies just thinking about that moment. Being so excited for myself, for Charlie, and for an amazing day in California.

--I took a class this semester on Scenic Paining. While I'm certainly no Picasso, I love this class. If you're wondering, my final is to paint Free Willy. It's not a big deal. Yes it is.

--I spent the summer in Duluth with two of my very favorite people. Emilie and Daniel. I don't even know where to begin with these two. Daniel is, in every sense of the word, an individual. Emilie is, in every sense of the word, a true friend. Spending almost every day with them provided many laughs, many nights on the porch, many morning afters, and many moments of feeling safe. I'm so grateful to have them, and I cherish our summer by the lake.

--I also moved into my new apartment! We just had a small get together for my friends 30th birthday, and it was so fun to have a few people fill into our living room on a snowy night and just talk. I love my home. We have a piano where I can pretend to write songs, we have multiple couches that don't fit, we have neighbors who listen to music at 4am...but offer earplugs!, and I have my roommate Kelly. Meeting Kelly was probably the greatest thing that ever happened to me. She helps me with all of my unorganized chaos, and has never once become (vocally) impatient with me. I owe her many things, including gas money, but she'll be the last to ask for it. Lucky. I am lucky.

--Something I'm just thinking about now, long after I actually did this.... I said no to things. I'm horrible at saying no to things because I don't want to disappoint or put any stress on anyone. But I was asked to work on numerous shows and I took a step back and asked myself if I could give it my all... and I said no. It's nice to allow myself time to readjust. I'm proud of myself, that makes me feel strong.

--I saw the Northern Lights! Guys! It's still such a magical memory for me. I loved it. Adventuring with my Three Musketeers into the middle of nowhere, having no idea what we were looking for. I loved that night, with my boys, playing the If Game while lying on rocks looking at the sky. Adventuring in this city, especially in the summertime, is one of my favorite things. Duluth is beautiful, the north shore is insanity. Some days I don't want to leave...which means I'm doing something right.

--And something that I'm starting... like, right now. This second. Is not second guessing every move I make. If I want to confront someone because they are rude, Imma DO IT. If I want to kiss a boy because he's cute and telling me my smile makes him smile, IMMA DO IT. Having less fear.. that's what I want for myself in the next six months.

I find myself ready for next semester. Going back to school full time, taking time away from shows to write, and continuing the slow, painful, but hysterical process of growing up. Cheers to that, I'll need many a brewski to get through it.....

Act of Kindness Fill Me Up, ButterCup

Guys, where the eff have I been? Jeez. Next time, yell at me or something. Kay?

No, in all honesty, it's been a crazy couple of weeks. A lot has happened since I last really truly blogged. Shall I fill you in? Lessdothismotherfucker.

I opened the latest show I was working on, The Nutcracker! I just love this show. I love the people I see every night, I love the story of the show, I love celebrating Christmas, and did I mention the people? They are so great. I just feel... loved. You know? That's a fun feeling, one I do feel very often because I'm constantly surrounded by amazing people... and it just multiplies when I'm around this cast and crew. Love them!

I did have some hard news these past few weeks. One of my best friends died about two weeks ago. I worked with her back home, she was amazing. Could light up a room and make everyone stare, but once she saw you staring she would call you out. That kinda girl. Just the best. I will not sugar coat anything about it, it's completely impossible for me to wrap my head around death. It's been extremely hard. I find I'm more exhausted, I care less about the details of things, I just... get by. Which is not good, it's not what Megan would have wanted, but it is very hard. I will say that with every day that passes I find myself smiling more and more and forgetting the sadness. Living with the memories of her is a beautiful thing. And because we were barely able to see each other, it hasn't really hit me. I don't know how I'll react when it does, but I don't want to know that answer. I'll take it step by step.

Another amazing thing that happened. I don't even know how to talk about this one. I'm in awe of human kindness. So. Ginny. Helped deliver baby. Wrote about it. Lots o' people read about it. Including all of my professors at school. Well, these people. I just... They gave me such a gracious and kind and loving and amazing and how many adjectives can I use kind of gift this week. For those of you that know me, you know that Barnes and Noble beats anything and everything. It's my drug. Well, let's just say that I'll be spending every Saturday night for a YEAR at B&N thank to my wonderful faculty at UMD. And... AND. I have an appointment next week for my very first massage. I'm so nervous! Is it weird to be nervous? I don't really like to be touched (whatever.) so I'm so scared I'm going to get ticklish and freak out. Regardless, I'm just shocked that this group of people pooled together to do this for me. I can say that I love them, right? Because I do. I love my professors. I'm so thankful that I go to school and feel safe, taken care of, and that there are at least a dozen people every day that have my back. There are no words to explain how grateful I am for how much they have done for me. Some of them, with or without knowing it, have given me the opportunity to become a person that would stop on the side of the road and deliver a baby. They have helped and watch me grow up more than any other adults in my life. Man, I'm just so grateful. I will use that word to my grave. But it's how I feel!!!!!

ANOTHER awesome gift I received this week was.... drum roll..... A FREE WILLY DOLL. Stuffed animal. Thing. So. Free Wizzles. Favorite Movie. The ultimate. My childhood. Keeps me humble. The BOMB. If you don't know my love about Free Willy, your the lucky one. I tell everyone, and people are kind enough to listen to me and nod and smile and pretend like they care. Well, my friend Bailey gave me her old whale stuffed animal that IS FREE WILLY. It was her stuffed animal from years ago, and I love hammy downs because the legacy lives on! And it's FREE WILLY! Ah!

So many great things from so many amazing people. But, I will say, that this brought up an interesting question. I was having a really hard couple of weeks. And I was definitely, without question, being a Deb Downer about life. And then, when people gave me things, I was like... LIFE IS GOOD! But, what if people hadn't been so amazingly generous? Would I still be wallowing? I don't like that idea. Either way, I'm so elated that I have people in my life that fill me up with goodness and make me feel every kind of good emotion you can think of. That's grand. This blog post is so messy, but I'm not fixing a dang thing. It's late, I work in the morning, and have a show at night. I haven't slept in a solid three days, and I wouldn't have it any other way. At least now, don't ask me in the morning.....

Bad : Good ; Celery : Mint Ice Cream

Sometimes I have horrible, rotten, really bad days that turn into awesome, uplifting, positive-as-oprah really good days. And today was one of those days. And, don't worry, I'm about to tell you why!

I woke up today in the funk I've been in the last few days. For some reasons, the mornings are really hard. It's hard to get going and start my day. But... once I do, usually, I pick right up. Today was different. I was just sort of lounging today. Not doing anything. That made it so hard to be any kind of productive. Oohfta. But. About an hour before I had no choice to move because I had rehearsal... I decided I would turn my frown upside down once again and prepare for a night of being good to myself. I'm currently in the middle of it, and it's been great. I am tired, but I know my brain...and I know I need to keep doing little fun things. I'll do some writing, I just dyed my hair back to red (photo soon), I'm eating my favorite mint ice cream, and I'm watching my favorite shows at the moment: Parenthood, New Girl, and Castle. It's just been a great night.

And I realized something, something that did not take a lot of brain power to figure out... definitely not rocket science. But I'm going to try to get up earlier, to start my day at least an hour before I need to go anywhere. And get out of the mornings suck funk I trap myself in. Maybe that way when I do leave, I'm ready for my day and for what lies ahead.

[This is where I should explain something about I, MacKenzie Jo. I am HORRIBLE at listening to others when it comes to bettering myself. Ask me how many times my mother has told me to do what I just said above? Ask me. Don't ask me. I'm embarrassed to say. But a lot. And I don't listen. I love her, and her advice always, eventually, makes me feel better... but I need to reach the moment of epiphany solely on my own before I can make a change. How weird is that? I know I'm not the only one, but it always makes me laugh when I call someone and am like 'Guess what I'm going to try!' and there is this long pause before they reply 'You mean the thing I told you to do three months ago. Peachy.' I'm an enigma.. keeps me young. Or something.]

I love that I can recognize that not all days have to start and end the same. That good days can sometimes be blind sided, and bad days can turn around so quickly with the decision to try something new. That's all kinds of neat.

I already know what my next blog post is going to be... but I need to give myself some times to do all the things I need to do before I actually blog about it. BUT I'M PUMPED! So, all 8 of you that read my blog.... get ready. Kisses.

Allowances

Alright, it's that time again.

Today is not a bad day, it's a hard day. But, something that is a very big positive.... I know why. Usually, the days are hard and I don't know why which turn them into stressful, get-nothing-done days. But, today I know...

I find myself missing things I've never had. Is that jealousy? Is that envy? I don't know. But I miss adventures that friends have taken or things that other people have that I've never owned. How can I miss them if they were never mine in the first place? I'm struggling with that today.

I have so much. So, so, sooooooo much in my life. The people are too good. The things are valuable, and providing. I have a lot... but the want for more clouds that. I guess today that's hurting my own feelings a bit.

So, how do I fix it? How do I move on from being sad that I don't have a car, or an iPhone, or that I still live in Duluth when I want to be somewhere completely different? I keep going. I start. Start something...by starting. That's all I can do. If I decide to stop moving and sit in my own self pity, Imma be here a LONG time. And I don't want that.

Keep moving, keep starting, allow yourself to be a beginner. And then when you feel stuck again, remind yourself of where your dreams have already taken you. I'm going to try my hardest to remind myself of that in these next few days. Get myself out of this rut and just keep moving along.

The obstacles are worth it, the hard days make for amazing lessons, the strength that comes from feeling weak is unlike anything else I've ever felt.

Cheers.

Turning Zee Frown Upside Down

I'm trapped in the Monday blues today, friends. No getting out of it, just have to ride the wave...

But, this wave of tiredness can and will be used for good! For every dislike I have in this very moment, I'm going to think of a like, something I do enjoy. Here we go; negativity be damned.

--I strongly dislike crabby people, who make me walk on egg shells because they decide they are going to have a bad day.
--I like that sometimes the perfect remedy for lonliness is to, in fact, be alone. To sit with yourself with your favorite movie (Free Willy), favorite book (Jane Eyre), or favorite thoughts (dreaming of adventures) and become content with yourself. I love that feeling, and that it doesn't come very often...Comfort in being alone is a work in progress, but I love the pay off.

--I dislike the media telling me I'm ugly, fat, stupid, and lesser because I don't look like Kim Kardashian. Acca-scuse me, but I'll take 'normal' over that any day.
--I like the way snow crunches underneath your feet when walking. It's one of my favorite sounds.

--I dislike that I worry to much about what people think of me.
--I like that there is a news article in the paper today about a group of men in Toronto that did a 'Walk A Mile In Her Shoes' walk to end violence against women. I dig that a whole lot.

--I dislike people who don't work for things. Paris Hilton, you don't appeal to me.
--I like my vernacular. I get away with saying the stupidest things, like 'I dig that a whole lot'.... what is that. People are very kind in putting up with my quirks and I appreciate that immensely.

--I dislike that I can't eat Nutella without consequences.
--I like that Nutella is on this planet.

--I dislike insomnia, and that I can't calm myself down enough to let go of my to-do list and fall asleep.
--I like the moment where you realize you like someone, whether it's friendship or more. My favorite is when the butterflies kick in, and all of a sudden you're smiling walking alone down a sidewalk because you're remembering how someone looked at you that one time, or how they told a stupid joke that you still laugh at. Man, I love romance. I'm a sucker for it...

--I dislike my own laziness, and how if I had the option I would stay in bed all day every day. There is so much life to see! Why, oh why, body, must you be so lazy!!
--I like that I've had to go through obstacles in my short twenty-one years of life. Really hard, big ol' obstacles. Things that I don't wish on anyone else, but I'm so grateful for. Isn't that funny? It's taken me a long time to be grateful for them, but I feel like I'm the lucky one. There's not much more that life can throw at me without me laughing in it's face and saying, 'That's all you got?' I feel strong when I think about how much I've overcome, and that's the best feeling out there.

--I dislike movies with stupid endings. Don't make me watch two hours worth of Matt Damon's hair and then give me a stupid ending..... Aint nobody got time for that!
--I like hugs. Period.

--I dislike that I try something for a day and then give up on it. The follow through is like, an impossible accomplishment.
--I like making Bucket Lists. Somewhere, far far away, are my 1,345 bucket lists I've made. It's not a hobby, it's a lifestyle. I secretly have no intention of completing most of the lists I make. I have one master copy that is up in my room that I do check things off, which is very fun. But an even more good time is creating a whole new list with crazy things like 'Jump off a cliff and yell, Yippee-kay-ayeeee'... I will never do that, but somewhere out there it's on one of my lists. I love that, and I honestly don't know why. You figure it out for me...

--I dislike how completely messy my room is. Even more, I dislike how I can change this fact in a solid hour and a half of cleaning, but instead I'll just sit on my mounds of laundry. Cause that's normal....
--I like knowing fun facts about movies. Secret Fact: I watch commentaries (commentari?) for every movie I've ever bought in hopes of finding out fun facts to tell people. Ask me anything about the show Friday Night Lights...it's gross how much I know. I love learning about behind the scenes, what it's like on the set. Geek status.

--I dislike when your foot falls asleep and it's so uncomfortable but you don't want to look like a weirdo shaking your foot all over the place so you just have to deal with the sharp-pins-in-your-foot-why-does-it-kind-of-feel-like-rain feeling internally. So much dislike for this!!!
--I like sunrises and sunsets, and the possibilities a new days brings.

--I dislike Mondays.
--I like this blog. Win.

People, it's insane how much better I feel right now!!!!!!! I'm stopping because all I can think of are the things I like, all my dislikes are gone. I can't think of any. Whoofta. Monday, we're gonna be alright. You and me, babe. You and me.

Hey, you. Have a great week. For every stupid, dumb, horrible thing that happens...think of something that makes you smile! You'll turn the frown upside down, promise. Cheers. 

Happy Hour

It has been an amazing weekend at home. I'm actually kind of nervous to go back to Duluth. I don't want to get sad, or start playing the What If game... I love the If game, but hate the What If game. It's been such a great weekend, and I want to cherish every second with my beautiful, crazy, chaotic family! I got to see my neighbors yesterday, who are my very best friends. They aren't even friends, they're family. My sisters. So lucky to have them in my life.

My dad is making mostacholi tonight, which, is my very favorite meal on this planet! It's so good. If I had a smart phone, all I would do is take pictures and Instagram the gorgeous meals my father makes. He's a magician. He's having a hard time right now looking for a job. Unemployment hits so many families, but until it hits yours you don't really know how to adjust. I hope that he doesn't go crazy from boredom... We've got to get his spirits up! But I know that being surrounded by family helps him, so I'm soaking up every second with him I can before I start to suffocate him.... which could, obviously, never happen.... duh.

My mom and I went shopping today because the shoes I brought home smell like someone died in them and them decided to bring their wet dog in for company. They are disgusting, but my favorite pair! Anyway, every family member has nearly passed out because of them, so my mom said no more. We went to buy shoes, and naturally I found my way into Barnes and Noble instead... Now, if you know me at all you know that Barnes and Noble on a Saturday night with a grande mocha and a big book about WWII is perfection. I love B&N. I found two of the greatest items today!

One, is a book called 642 Things To Write About. I love writing, but sometimes I get SO stuck on what to write about or I keep saying the same thing using different words. This book has, clearly, a number of different things to talk about. I'm so excited to start it!

I also found something I've had my eye on for a long, long time. A Five Year Journal!!!! People, this is a big one. I'm more thrilled than I can talk about to start this project. It's as simple as saying 'Today, I washed my clothes and put them away. Boom' and that's it! (PS... how hard is it to actually hang your clothes up?! Please think it's hard with me...because it's an impossible task. Nobody got time for that!) I'm excited to trace where I go and what I accomplish in five years, all while having some crazy moments along the way.

Also, if you ever need an excuse to spend a large amount of money and B&N, check out their bargain priced books. Sherlock Holmes, my collection of Jane Austen is now complete, Les Mis, and a book called Wild. All for under $50!! The book Wild was the most expensive item, but it was recommended to me so I have to give it a try. It's about a woman that basically drops everything and starts fresh. I mean.....It's perfect for me. I'm so excited to start it!

After B&N we made our way to Target, or as I call it, Narnia. I got five movies for the price of one, I aint even mad....

I love today. I love being home with my favorite people. I love books. I love movies. I love the little things like a new place to write that makes me so excited I could scream. I love laundry without charge.  I love family.

And I love this blog. I'm so grateful for this place, and the freedom to say whatever I want to say whenever I want to say it. It's not perfect, it's not neat...but it's all mine. I'll never stop loving that.

So grateful, so happy, so simple. Gah! Cheers to that.

I'm On Fire

I made a vow to do something every day that was good for me. To be kinder to myself. And boy, has it payed off. I don't do crazy, out there things every day. But I buy the cookie, I sing at the top of my lungs, I take an hour to watch New Girl. I do what I can with the time that I have to relax and enjoy my crazy life. I love it! Last night, it was singing. I had a late night, and when I got home all I could think about what sleep. But, my brain had other things in mind. Sometimes I have a really hard time falling asleep and I'm miserable. But I used my insomnia for good, and I created this video! I posted it on my Facebook, so for some of you it's a repeat. People have been so kind about it! I'm definitely not the best  singer, but I love how it makes me feel. After this video, I fell right asleep. I think it was my brains way of telling me I needed to do something creative before the end of my day! 

This weekend is going to be amazing. For the first time in about 7 months, I don't have rehearsals or work this weekend. An empty calendar, no commitments. I'm elated! 

Have an amazing weekend, friends! Stay warm!! 

California Dreams, Sign Me Up

I was looking over my blogs and I kept seeing the same word over and over: Adventure. I yearn for adventures. And, my friends, an adventure I have found.

I've decided I won't be staying in Minnesota this summer. I'm going to apply to a bunch of places, some internships, some summer ranches, and work in a new place for a few months. I've found a few I'm crazy about, and they'd be a great fit...so fingers crossed! I could be living in California, Montana, or most exciting... NEW YORK! I found this amazing internship that PAYS and I'd be working for a new works theatre for the summer. So. Amazing.

But....no matter what happens, or what I chose, I just want to get out of the state for the summer. I had coffee today with my friend who was in Honduras this summer...and he said something that will stay with me. He said, you deserve to have an adventure for yourself. And you know what? He's totally right. Everyone deserves to allow themselves to completely escape at least once in their life.

That's my plan. To have an adventure. It's something to look forward to, which I know will really help me in these next few weeks. As the days get shorter and the semester gets more stressful, looking forward to the possibility of running away for a while will keep me smiling, and keep me working towards something.

I could live here this summer? Yes please.

Normal Nancy

Is there romance is normalcy? Is there something exciting about a plain ol' average day? Abso-freaking-lutely. Today, I did nothing but normal things. I stayed up all night studying for a test, I went to sleep and woke up with enough time to study for a few hours before my test. Then, I took a shower, put on a dress and my favorite pair of boots, and strutted my tush to school. I then took that test (not sure how I did...but I know I did the best I could do with how much I prepared) and left the classroom, leaving everything at the door. After that, I went about my day as normal. Had a great conversation with one of my favorite friends, and grabbed dinner. All of this was before going to rehearsal.

See what I mean? An average day. Nothing about today was out of the blue. Except maybe the fact that I'm not wearing a sweatshirt and my paint pants (See photo. It's gross how proud I am of myself for this outfit...) ...And sure, a test is a little more stressful, but... with all the studying I haven't done the past few years, I'm making up for lost time. But the spending time with friends, dinner, rehearsal. It was a very average Tuesday. And I'm loving it. I'm currently sitting in my very messy living room (my fault, my fault) with my roommate watching The Holiday. My to-do list is longer than I'd like, and I'm not worrying about a damn thing. After this post, I'm going to close my computer and relax and stare at Jack Black in all his glory. I know, I should be in favor of Jude Law...but he cheats on women and therefore his face looks like a troll, AMEYERITE?

Anyway, today was great. An outfit I felt good wearing, a test I felt good about taking, and friends I feel amazing being around. It's the kind of life I should be grateful for. And today, I'm just that. Very, very grateful.

Also, I added lights to my room. This is phase one, I think I'm going to take these down and try and shape the lights to look like a tree! I'm excited, and don't you worry... I will definitely keep posting photos.

Side Note: As I was about to post this, my roommate walks in with TaterTots to eat with my Strongbow. I'm a happy, happy girl.

Even tater tots are average. But on an average day, they are the thing of legends. 

That's all folks. Nothing spectacular, nothing heartbreaking. Here's to great days, great friends, and great simplicity. I cherish it all. 

A Long Way Down

I'm having a think today. And that think is: What is happiness? What do people classify as happy? Is it reachable? Is it something you gain? And when do you gain it? Does it come from other people or yourself?

I'm asking because so many people long for happiness. In my day to day life I get by with happy thoughts, but when people ask me in my life if I'm happy... I don't know how to answer. I have wonderful people surrounding me, I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I have dreams and goals and aspirations. But I want more. And I'm scared that if I keep saying 'When I get this then I'll be happy' that I'll never truly find it. And do you find happiness? Or does is grow from within?

I hope that happiness is a journey that you walk on. You can get lost, get confused, and find your way back to it. I don't know how to define it, but I know that it's something I want. And it's different than wanting something I don't have. Because I have it. Right? I have happiness, it's in me every day. I just need to remind myself it's there.

I read a great book a few years ago, and it was about four people who meet at the top of this building in England on New Year's Eve, all with the idea of jumping (This story will get better, promise). Throughout the book, you know that some of the people end up jumping off and others don't...it's sort of a whodunit. And one of the characters doesn't end up jumping, stating that suicide was that thing that's in the back of his sock drawer. That one thing that we all know is there, but never use. We never need it, but just knowing it's there gives us comfort.

That metaphor came into my mind today thinking about where happiness goes when you get into a bad mood. Is it that thing everyone has in their sock drawer. Because you know it's always there you don't necessarily use it or need it? Is that how I've come to, in a sense, lose it? I don't know.

As I said, I think it's a journey. And I hope to keep on the road I'm on. If you keep walking, your scenery may not change from day to day, but soon enough you'll be in other land. Looking at a whole different world you could have never dreamed of. I don't think happiness is in my sock drawer, I think it's in the horizon... waiting for me to wish it goodnight and greet it every morning.

Goodnight Moon Part Deux: Bubbles

I have a new goal. I know, another one. I make a new one every day it feels. I've been told this only leads me to be harder on myself. But.... I don't feel it. I think it keeps me dreaming. Keeps me going on the really hard days.

My goal is to do one thing every day to be kind to myself. I'm told I'm not the only one, but I'm not very nice when it comes to looking back and judging myself. I typically don't judge others, or I try reallllllyyyy hard not to. But myself, I'm my biggest critic, and I'm a tough one at that.

Today wasn't bad. Today was hard. But I looked today in the eyes and said, I win. I just got home from a very, very long day and did the best thing I could think of to relax: Took a bubble bath.

An intense, ginormoussssss (google it) BUBBLE BATH. So good. So relaxing. And you know what? Today was a good day. I'm going to sleep with all the T's crossed and my I's dotted. My to-do list is 9 feet long, but I'll cross off a few more things tomorrow and keep going.

All we can do is keep breathing. And be kind. To others, and to oursevles. An ordinary day is not a bad day. And a bad day shouldn't make us feel like we've lived a bad life.

Goodnight, Moon. Sweet dreams, mate.

Goodnight Moon: Thoughts

I love this blog. Can I say that? I freaking love this little page on this giant inter web . I love that I started it, that I look forward to writing in it, and sometimes look forward to sharing it with others. And when I do, I know I'm not alone in my feelings. I love that. I live for that.

I'm so very blessed I found this outlet. I don't know how long it's going to last...but it's an amazing step in what I hope to be a new, life changing direction.

Also, got started on my photo wall. Lots of happy memories tonight. Can you tell by my hair/face/neck turban it's bedtime? :)

Goodnight, moon. Fingers crossed for happy dreams.

No Mo' Drama

These past few days have been very interesting for a number of people. After last night some are very, very excited for what lies ahead. Others are scared. Others are straight pah-issed. I find myself excited. Just my two cents. But today, some people have sort of diminished that excitement by being so upset. I made a list of things that I'm thankful for.... and now, I made them a list. They probably will never read it, but I don't give a -- keep looking at muh-- cause it don't mean a thing if ya looking at uh. (catching my drift?)

--We live in a place where you can 'completely hate' your leader. In some countries, you'd be shot for saying, thinking, believing, showing such a thing. Also, don't hate. He's a person, just like you. And I think if you throw around the word hate you wouldn't be any better at the job. Boom.

--You're not Kim Kardashian. Think about that. Revel in that. Feeeeeeel that.

--Most of us are allowed to have animals around us. I don't have one, but I dream about living on a farm in New York City (work with me) with horses and dogs and Free Willy. Pets are the best. They are so friendly, and are always by your side. Could. Be. Worse.

--Generally, if you don't like someone, you're not required to be around them. That's a really good feeling isn't it? You're not required to be around anyone or anything you don't want to be. That's mother lovin' FREEDOM. When you're a kid, you can't escape certain people or things. But when you grow up and you're responsible for you're own actions, you can choose who you want to spend your time with. That's pretty cool.

--A little trilogy called The Mighty Ducks.

--Right now, there are so many people in the world that need our help, and we have the opportunity and the ability to help them. In a single smile or hug, you can turn someone's day around...that my friends, is what it's all about.

--We can bake yummy things like cookies and cakes and pies and brownies and all the bad stuff that can make you feel really good.

--Beer is a beautiful thing. People underestimate how good a beer tastes after a long day.

--We have friends and family that dedicate their lives to protect us and go off to far away places that can be very scary... and we get to continue living our every day life. They are brave and strong and a hell of a lot cooler than me.

--You can screw up in the worst way. You can do a horrible, rotten thing that hurts a lot of people..... and still get a second chance. People take that for granted. I do too. But no more. Second chances have only done amazing things for me. I've gotten a parent, college, a career, and more friends than I deserve because people have taken more than one chance on me or the people surrounding me. Think about who's taken a second chance on you and celebrate that.

--Every year you have a day that is devoted to when you were born. And you get gifts and people smile a lot more around you. Some people hate that day, but I always look forward to it because it's the only day a year where I accept compliments freely and make new goals for the next year of my life.

--Arnold Schwarzenegger was a governor of a STATE. HA!

--Betty White is still alive. (I'm just going down the list of famous people that should be celebrated....)

Famous people continued:
Meryl Streep
Phil Collins
Ryan Gosling and his abdominals
Ryan Reynolds and his abdominals
Jeff Daniels
Jason Segel
Dame Judy Dench
Blake Lively's hair
Matt Damon's hair
Ben Affleck's career choices in the last five years
and last but not lease, Ellen Degeneres.

All good, all pretty, all fabulous additions to our lives.

--And my personal favorite, my all time happy thought.... my one saving grace when the days are too long and people are mean and everything seems to be going in the dumps......


NUTELLA. EXISTS.


Life isn't perfect. But quit the drama, friends. There's a lot to laugh at in our every day, mundane schedules. Just look around at the all crazy girls in leggings who don't realize we can litchrally see up their butt? That shit crazy. But crazy funny. A lot of times in life you have to look for the funny, and when you do you'll laugh for days. Promise.

Smell The Roses

These past few days I have not stopped to smell the roses. I've stopped to feel negative, to be hard on myself, and to take a lot for granted. No more! I'm officially dedicating this post to all that I am thankful for. Some of these things are oh so very random, others are very personal, and some are just plain fun.

I'm thankful for my imagination, and my dreams. I've never had too big a dream in my own eyes. I may feel stuck or in a rut in accomplishing the dream... but I don't doubt that I can get there some day. My imagination has taken me to amazing places, and I'm grateful for that.

I'm grateful for my parents. I called both my parents yesterday, and it was amazing to get advice from two very different people who live everyday as a united couple. They are a true example of what a marriage should be, and I'm excited to find someone one day that I can be as happy with.

I'm thankful for where I live. Not only in Duluth, not only Minnesota, but America. Today is a very important day for America. A lot could change. I find myself very nervous. The Vote No campaign means a lot to me, and I think it would be a shame for my friends to have their rights taken away. But, and this is a very small... smallllllll but, whatever happens.. they are still loved and appreciated and accepted. No matter what. I'm thankful that I have been raised to believe that no characteristic of a person defines who they are. We are all made up of specific, unique things, and that should be celebrated.

I'm thankful that even though there is a fire alarm going off every three seconds as I type this in a lobby, I still have my sense of humor rather than smashing my computer against the wall.........because it's gone through my mind.

I'm thankful that I've had many friendships throughout my life. My close friends from high school and I have drifted more than I would like...but looking back, I have such fond memories with them. I wouldn't trade those years for anything. I hope they know how much I care for them and wish them well. I'm thankful that I learned how to become a good friend by having friends like them.

I'm thankful for my friends that have become family. All of my close friends feel like familiy, but there are a certain few that aren't going anywhere. No matter what. That's a rare and exciting thing. I'm so thankful for everything I've learned from them.

I'm thankful for the prospect of starting over...even if you never truly start fresh, the idea of a blank canvas allows creativity to burst out of you. That's an amazing thing.

I'm thankful.... for forgiveness. And how often it comes around. The people that have hurt me in the past have been forgiven. And then as time passes that wound reopens, and you have the opportunity to forgive them all over again. It can be very painful, depending on the person or the action... but after it's over it feels so liberating. After the storm, you're so different from the person you were before. I love that. People make horrible, rotten, selfish mistakes...but they are human. Forgiveness is one of the best gifts you can give a person... it allows them to continue on their journey.

I'm thankful, in all seriousness, for Free Willy. Stop laughing. I said stop... Free Willy came into my life when my mother was raising two kids on her own, rewrapping unused toys so we had more than just a few gifts at Christmas. She's the greatest. And I think it was Easter, and we had our Easter baskets hidden that morning... and when we found them, my brother's basket had Grease (not because he would like it, but because John Travolta looks really good in black pants...and my mom had a crush on him) and I had Free Willy in mine. My mom got us through some tough years, and when we didn't have a lot.. she made sure our cup runneth over. I don't know how she did it, I'm convinced she's an alien. Anyway, throughout my years I've never forgotten that feeling of seeing a new movie in our basket. Free Willy has become my secret weapon to remind myself that in the worst situation, everything will be okay.  To remind myself that one thing, one mediocre movie can change your viewpoint on where you're at in life. We didn't have a lot, but we had each other. I'm so thankful for everything my mom did to give us our childhood, and to Free Willy for making me smile as we ate Kraft Mac N Cheese for the eighth day in a row :)

I'm thankful for this blog. I love it. I love having something that is all mine, that no one can touch. I love being able to share it if I want, and also be able to keep it to myself. I'm so glad I've continued it, and I think it's helping me a lot.

I'm thankful for my words. And my voice. I feel important when I write, like I matter. That's the best feeling in the whole world.

I'm thankful for Nutella. Straight up.

I'm thankful for second chances.

I'm thankful for today. It's horrible weather, I woke up late, haven't eaten, should be very crabby..... and I'm still having a great day. I love that even when everything is going wrong, there's an opportunity to be immensely happy and use your own positive attitude to get through your day. That's cool, and gives me a lot of hope. 

As we make our way to Thanksgiving, my very favorite holiday, I'm reminded of all the people, things, attitudes, and places to be thankful for. I feel so excited to start fresh, and to find new things that empower and strengthen me. I think I'm the most thankful for that. A new start, new moments of realization, and to look back and be thankful for more wonderful things that come into my life.

Life is good, folks!

Sometimes...

I have a friend from high school, Cami (or as we call each other Baby Mama... I'm not sure why we ever started that, but I still laugh) that made a post called Sometimes a few weeks ago, and I'm going to copy that post in my own words... because reading hers made me smile and made me feel better, so I think creating my own can do the same.

Sometimes people say mean things that make you second guess who you are and what you think about yourself.

Sometimes those people are flat our wrong, or they don't know who you are and why you are so far from what they called you.

Sometimes friends that you thought would be there forever decided to move on. It's no one's fault, and it's what happens in life, don't second guess yourself.

Sometimes even though you're sad and feel so small, being called a rude thing can make you look at yourself clearly and take a step back and realize that there is some room for change and growth. Sometimes that's a really, really good thing.

Sometimes you have to be willing to admit that you're not perfect. And you shouldn't be. And if you were, you'd be a very boring girl that no one would bother getting to know.

Sometimes... people leave. And disappoint you in the hardest, saddest way. They are not you. They are on their own journey in life,  and have their own battles to overcome. Wish them well, want nothing for them but happiness and peace, and move on.

Sometimes, your mom will tell you you're the most special person in the world and that she's proud of you. Listen to her.

Sometimes your dad will tell you to get off your ass and start taking control of your life, and then when he's about to hang up the phone he'll say I love you, something he doesn't say often... and you'll realize how lucky you really are to have a man in your life that will never leave you, ever. Hold onto that.

Sometimes, all you need to do is take a walk for an hour, looking at the houses.. at the water.. at the sky, and realize that life is a lot bigger than the negativity you're feeling in that moment. That somewhere out there, someone is looking in the sky thinking the same thing. Sometimes, the feeling that you're not alone can save you from yourself.

And sometimes, when the days are really long-- and nothing seems to be going right -- you can snuggle into bed, shut off the lights, your phone, your music, whatever distractions may be around... shut them off, thank God for getting you through the day... and fall asleep. Simple as that. Sleep away the bad, wake up to the good.

Sometimes, it's as simple as one step at a time, one day at a time, one obstacle at a time.

I find myself ready to tackle the next obstacle... ready to in a way start fresh... I'm excited for what's to come, and that's a really good feeling. People change, life changes, and I need to start embracing that. I'm not perfect, but no one's asking me to be. Sometimes, you have to kick your own ass.. and allow yourself to start over.

On My Way

Well, it's been a day. A weird, long day. And I've realized something. I'm horrible at taking my own advice. A few weeks ago I was at mass and the priest's homily was about allowing yourself to be a beginner. Ever since that Sunday I have been telling everyone that. It's my go to piece of advice. And I never use it. That's just stupid. I have to allow myself to be a beginner or else there's no room to grow. And that's what it's all about. You try new things and you go through life becoming a strong and better person by all the times you screw up. Every lesson I've ever learned has been from overcoming an obstacle. So why do I fear the battle? I hope to start feeling empowered by the battle. To allow myself to have a first go at things, and to completely screw up. I don't know how to be anything but myself, even if it's a version I want to change.

I don't know where I'm going, I just know I'm on my way. That's incredibly terrifying, and feels foreign and uncomfortable. I want that to change. I want to feel the adventure of it all. I want to close my eyes and prepare for the wave to crash over me, not knowing when it will come. That's the fun of it all, right? That's the journey. It's about the journey, not the destination... Must remember that more.

I went in to work early to watch the sunrise today after the weirdest night of my entire life.... and if the sun can rise and set everyday... damn it so can I. I can get up and do work and take care of myself and all the things I want/need to do, and I can lay my head down and be okay with making it through another day. Cause some days, when the world is just funny, the only thing you're required to do is get through the day.

I'm excited to go home, crawl into bed, turn on a show that requires no amount of thinking to watch, and to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, with a new sunrise.... I just might get up early to watch that one too.

Complicated Simplicity

When I started this blog, I told myself that I would write about the good, bad, and ugly. That even on my sad days, I would write down how I was feeling because writing has always been my inspiration and my go-to. I always feel better. So, I'm gonna write today about the ugly... I warn you it won't be pretty and may not make a lot of sense...but this post is truly, truly for myself today. I need this.

This week was a hard week. The beginning was good, the middle was alright, but this morning... This week was hard. I made some choices last night that I'm peeved about. Too many cocktails for this girl, which led to irresponsible behavior (not what you're thinking) and I'm sitting at work today drinking my second gatorade and not feeling great about myself. Not loving me right now.

And what all triggered it? A boy called me insignificant. Correction: At a Halloween party the boy saw my roommate's costume (she made a Stitch costume that was sublime. Epic.) and wanted to comment on it. And (my memory is fuzzy here...) I think I interrupted and he turned to me and said 'You're insignificant.' and kept talking to my roommate. Now, in my sober mind today I'm thinking... I'm insignificant? So is your penis. Like, I don't care what Buzz Lightyear has to say about me. At all. He may have been drunk, he might just be an asshole. And calling a spade a spade, I did cut him off. I don't know. But last night, it triggered a whole heap of emotions. And this morning I'm so embarrassed and hurt by my own actions I could scream. I didn't need to take what he said so seriously or literal or offensively. He's a random person that said a random word, so why does it still hurt? I just feel dumb. And like the thirteen year old girl in me is running my life. What is that? Anyway, after he said that I got so emotional that I left the party. Without telling a soul, I just started walking the ten blocks home alone. At 1 am. Alone. D r u n k . In the city I live in. Not cool, MacKenzie! I woke up this morning to about 11 missed calls, 3 voicemails, and the greatest question I hope to never ask myself again... how did I get here?

Like I said, I'm pissed. Completely, utterly ashamed. At myself. I'm not this person. I'm not the girl who can't stand up on her own two feet and take care of herself. I need to accept what is going on in my life, and I need to be kinder to myself. I realize it's an oximoron to make a blog post saying I'm an asshole for my actions and then say be kind to myself. But I need to figure this out.... because it hurts too much not to.

So here it is, MacKenzie. You have depression. A disease that is controllable, liveable, and in your mind curable. Deal with it. You don't like having depression? Name a person that does. Don't be a victim. You have the strongest mother in the world that has always taught you to fight back. So fight back. If one of your friends came to you with this you would fight til kingdom come to help them. Help yourself. Don't be a victim. You've gone through so much in your life, and you've become stronger for it. This is just one more battle. Think of how good it will feel in a few months when things are more balanced. Don't rely on other people or things to create your own happiness. You create it. You wouldn't allow a friend to treat themselves this way, you would tell them that they are so worthy of love and respect. So are you. You can do this. Depression depression depression. Ten keys on the keyboard. It's complicated, yet it's simple.

I think that's how I'll look at it from now on. It's complicated simplicity. I love taking things that are complicated and breaking them down so they are simple. Doing that for other people is one of my greatest joys. I need to do it for myself.

For those of you that know me and are reading this...especially the ones that didn't know I was dealing with this, please don't be alarmed. Yes. I'm alright. But I want to be better than alright. I'm longing for happiness. I've got a lot of sad days to fight through to get there, and today is one of them.


I'm currently going back and forth on posting this or deleting the whole thing. I've read it about 8 times... I said I would post about the days I barely move. I am going to look back at this post in a few months and say... I never went back to that place. I think I'll be really proud of myself. I'm excited for that day. Just thinking about it makes me feel strong.

Blended Blessings

I'm missing my family a lot today. This crazy bunch of stubborn, hilarious weirdos is all I can think about.

The best part about this photo is my dad completely controlling how the boys are standing... and the girls could care less. Also, let's talk about that feisty lady with the banner..... I love that woman. The next time I'll see my siblings is Thanksgiving, and I really want to have an adventure with the four of us that weekend. Even if it's just a movie or dinner. Without them knowing it, I learn so much from them and they've given me so much strength throughout the years. My sister is the oldest, and couldn't be more kind. She's such a role model for me when I think my life is chaotic and things will never come together. With patience and really hard work, great things follow. My brothers couldn't be more different. But they are both hysterical. That short dude on the end is my biological brother, and secretly one of my very favorite people. He doesn't say much, but when he does... I either laugh because it's funny, or I think because he's quite smart. He doesn't know it, but he is. My brother Jeff is a genius, and I've always enjoyed spending time with him. He and my dad are twins, it's really funny watching them become more and more alike. When me and Jeff were younger, we formed a British rock group and recorded a demo.... Our dad was not impressed. We still remember the lyrics though. I love breaking out our #1 single, Can You Read It?... And that handsome devil in the middle is my main dude, Bruce Paul. I got pretty lucky when my parents got married. We always joke he got the short end of the stick.... but that actually may be true. He's given me a lot of things, mostly headaches, but I've never doubted that he'll be there for me. That's pretty cool.

I can't wait to see them again, and to share some laughs around the dinner table. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, along with my dad, so I can't wait. Just gotta get through November....

Neverland

I'm craving the lake today. One of the reason I chose to live in Duluth was a memory from when I was a little kid and spent a weekend with my grandparents. They live just outside of the city, and we came to the lift bridge and I watched the biggest ship I had ever seen go through the harbor. It was amazing. My grandparents grew up in Farmtown, USA so they never learned how to swim. I, on the other hand, am convinced I've lived a former life as a fish. And as a little kid, seeing that big blue monster of a lake... I needed to swim. So as they watched me from the shore, I ran into the freezing water giggling as I shivered from head to toe. I stayed in the water until my Grandma threatened no dessert, it was so much fun. That memory is one of my favorite places to go back to. Most days I love being my age, slowly but surely gaining the knowledge I'll need to make it on my own. But some days, when I'm craving adventure, I love looking back on the memories of my childhood and realizing how far I've come. I'm still that fearless girl jumping the water, amazed at the ships passing by. I'm still in Duluth, a beautiful place to call home. And I'm still growing up, which I hope never stops being this much fun...

Follow The Path, Around The Bend, To The Front Door

I love my job. I work at a gorgeous mansion called Glensheen, The Historic Congdon Estate. Getting up early for work is always a struggle... but when I get there and I start working... Man. I'm lucky. I don't have the typical student position. I help manage the office, and I feel really important when I'm there. Everyone I work with is so appreciative of everyone else's time. It's so refreshing working in that atmosphere.

I mean, really? So good. I'm about to go into work right now, and I have the biggest smile on my face. I need to remember this smile on the days where I'm dragging....

Happy Halloween everyone!! Going a supposed haunted mansion makes me excited for today. Be safe!

Ten

Ten. The magic number. My goal. Not sure if I can even truly say out loud what the goal is. But it has to do with the number ten. And if I accomplish the goal, I reward myself with an adventure back to the west coast.

I can do this. I can totally, obviously, completely do this.

What's In A Name?

I think that titles are my favorite part about writing something. Whether it's a poem on a napkin or my next play I'm working on... I title everything. I love titles. Giving something a name makes it permanent, and that scribble on my napkin has a purpose. (I got that from JK Rowling. She's not bad at her job...)

To Feel Strong comes from one of my favorite quotes. I'm a quote girl. I love em. I'm always searching for the next quote that will make this crazy life we're living in make a little bit of sense. And the quote that brings me back down to earth is from the book Into The Wild by Jon Krakauer.

The sea's only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head.

Oh, man. Right? You feel it? Feels goooood, huh? You gonna go climb that mountain? You betcha. I've struggled in the past few years with being tremendously hard of myself for the littlest things. I eat three pop tarts instead of one. I color outside the lines. I swear too much. While these things could be easily changed with some concentration, I find that because I'm so hard on myself... I give up. I don't think I'm strong enough to change. And that's just not true. I am strong enough. But more so-- I need to feel strong enough. 

It's part of the reason I want to start this blog. I want to document the days where I feel on top of the world, and the days where I barely move. Because even though those days are drastically different... I have the same amount of strength...It's just about when I feel it. 

Back To Nashville

This is my favorite song today. I usually have a new favorite every two days or so. But this one has stuck for a while, and I'd love to share it!

Starting Line

Hello! I'm MacKenzie, and you've either been told to read this by yours truly, or you've stumbled upon it...or you're looking for something completely different. Doesn't matter to me..I'm just glad you're here! I was inspired by my best friend to start this blog (she writes on simply-found@blogspot.com) and I think it will be a great adventure. I guess the first post is always the hardest...but I find myself so excited to start! Shall I dive in?

Top 21:
1. I'm saying 21 facts about myself because I'm 21 years of age.
2. My favorite movie is Free Willy. That's not a joke, and someday I'll explain.
3. My relationship with my mother is one where I drunk dial her and sing Don't Stop Believing and she wakes up with my hangover. She's my best friend.
4. I love to play the 'If' game. I ask my friends, teachers, coworkers questions like 'If you could watch any movie for the rest of your life which would it be?' (Free Willy) or 'If you could travel to any country, but you had to go to the poorest part, where would you go? (Ireland... so much Guinness!) It's an amazing conversation starter, and you learn so much about the people you share your every day life with.
5. I live for rainy days that end in sunshine.
6. I'm a student, and I cannot wait until I can say I graduated. I don't know when that will be...but holy moly. I'm pumped.
7. I want to live in New York, Chicago, California, Maine, Oregon, and Minnesota..... all at the same time. Can someone make that happen?
8. Part of the reason I'm starting this blog is because I tend to lose focus on the really important things in life. I worry. I scare myself. I think negative thoughts that cloud my mind, and I'm sick of it. I want to write down the good, the bad, the ugly, and then move on. Life is too short to think about the yesterday's.
9. I love to look at bridges, hate driving over them.
10. Nutella doesn't suck.
11. I've lived in Minnesota my whole life, and I love it. The winters are c.o.l.d, and the summers are h.o.t. I wouldn't have it any other way.
12. All my life I've dreamed of taking epic adventures to far away lands, and I'm making a pact in this blog to talk about those adventures because if I talk about them...they will come true!!!
13. Harry Potter taught me how to be a good friend.
14. If I could have any job, I would be a writer.
15. I don't want a love worthy of ten thousand admirers, just one.
16. If you haven't seen the movies Hocus Pocus, The Paper Brigade, and/or Brink.... you need to reevaluate your choices thus far in life...
17. My favorite villain is Captain Hook, or as I call him... Captain Sassy.
18. I think the word ugly is a cop out that people use as a shield. It has no meaning.
19. Home is the nicest word there is. --Laura Ingalls Wilder
20. Friday Night Lights is the greatest television series. Next to The West Wing and Gilmore Girls.
21. The cure to the blues is dancing alone in your room with the lights off, preferably partially naked.

I hope you'll continue to check up on this blog. I hope to write about my adventures, my fears, and the days where I feel strong and inspired.