Complicated Simplicity

When I started this blog, I told myself that I would write about the good, bad, and ugly. That even on my sad days, I would write down how I was feeling because writing has always been my inspiration and my go-to. I always feel better. So, I'm gonna write today about the ugly... I warn you it won't be pretty and may not make a lot of sense...but this post is truly, truly for myself today. I need this.

This week was a hard week. The beginning was good, the middle was alright, but this morning... This week was hard. I made some choices last night that I'm peeved about. Too many cocktails for this girl, which led to irresponsible behavior (not what you're thinking) and I'm sitting at work today drinking my second gatorade and not feeling great about myself. Not loving me right now.

And what all triggered it? A boy called me insignificant. Correction: At a Halloween party the boy saw my roommate's costume (she made a Stitch costume that was sublime. Epic.) and wanted to comment on it. And (my memory is fuzzy here...) I think I interrupted and he turned to me and said 'You're insignificant.' and kept talking to my roommate. Now, in my sober mind today I'm thinking... I'm insignificant? So is your penis. Like, I don't care what Buzz Lightyear has to say about me. At all. He may have been drunk, he might just be an asshole. And calling a spade a spade, I did cut him off. I don't know. But last night, it triggered a whole heap of emotions. And this morning I'm so embarrassed and hurt by my own actions I could scream. I didn't need to take what he said so seriously or literal or offensively. He's a random person that said a random word, so why does it still hurt? I just feel dumb. And like the thirteen year old girl in me is running my life. What is that? Anyway, after he said that I got so emotional that I left the party. Without telling a soul, I just started walking the ten blocks home alone. At 1 am. Alone. D r u n k . In the city I live in. Not cool, MacKenzie! I woke up this morning to about 11 missed calls, 3 voicemails, and the greatest question I hope to never ask myself again... how did I get here?

Like I said, I'm pissed. Completely, utterly ashamed. At myself. I'm not this person. I'm not the girl who can't stand up on her own two feet and take care of herself. I need to accept what is going on in my life, and I need to be kinder to myself. I realize it's an oximoron to make a blog post saying I'm an asshole for my actions and then say be kind to myself. But I need to figure this out.... because it hurts too much not to.

So here it is, MacKenzie. You have depression. A disease that is controllable, liveable, and in your mind curable. Deal with it. You don't like having depression? Name a person that does. Don't be a victim. You have the strongest mother in the world that has always taught you to fight back. So fight back. If one of your friends came to you with this you would fight til kingdom come to help them. Help yourself. Don't be a victim. You've gone through so much in your life, and you've become stronger for it. This is just one more battle. Think of how good it will feel in a few months when things are more balanced. Don't rely on other people or things to create your own happiness. You create it. You wouldn't allow a friend to treat themselves this way, you would tell them that they are so worthy of love and respect. So are you. You can do this. Depression depression depression. Ten keys on the keyboard. It's complicated, yet it's simple.

I think that's how I'll look at it from now on. It's complicated simplicity. I love taking things that are complicated and breaking them down so they are simple. Doing that for other people is one of my greatest joys. I need to do it for myself.

For those of you that know me and are reading this...especially the ones that didn't know I was dealing with this, please don't be alarmed. Yes. I'm alright. But I want to be better than alright. I'm longing for happiness. I've got a lot of sad days to fight through to get there, and today is one of them.


I'm currently going back and forth on posting this or deleting the whole thing. I've read it about 8 times... I said I would post about the days I barely move. I am going to look back at this post in a few months and say... I never went back to that place. I think I'll be really proud of myself. I'm excited for that day. Just thinking about it makes me feel strong.