Tomorrow starts the last week of classes for this semester, and I'm doing all kinds of reflecting. I've thought a lot tonight about how hard this semester was. I was in school part-time, I paid for the majority out of pocket, which meant working full time. I also worked on two shows, that kept my nights completely booked. Basically, I didn't have a day off. At first, it was prime. I was energized and I felt amazing, going from one thing to the next, checking things off my many to-do lists, and finding my groove. But, as it happens, I got tired. And that's the only way I know how to explain this silly thing called depression. Just exhausting. And so, I tried to take a day a week for me. But when your schedule is jammed tight it's hard to find a day. Looking back, I should have been much kinder to myself and set a schedule that was do-able. I'm not a machine, although sometimes I wish I could be. Or, I wish that Hermoine's Time Turner was in my left pocket at all times. (If you get that, I enjoy you very much)
It's the end of the semester, and a lot has happened. A lot. In the last six months, four people have passed away. A young kid, a dear friend, an amazing father to my best friend, and an older woman ready for peace. A lot of goodbye's, or as I'm told 'see you laters'. My parents best friend was diagnosed with cancer. My best friend's parents split up. My dad lost his job. So many unpredictable, hard, grow-up-or-shut-up moments.
But, as I'm thinking of the last six months... I am also thinking of the amazing things that happened.
--I watched my very best friend in the entire world get married. Which was, hands down, one of the most amazing things I've ever witnessed. They always say watch the bride as she walks down the aisle, but I watched her husband that day. And his face, the love that he showed, was amazing. There are no words to describe it. I loved that day, I loved being with someone I know like the back of my hand and see her so unbelievably happy, I loved dancing and singing and drinking and laughing and enjoying my life to the fullest that night. It's a wonderful place to go back to.
--I've become more aware of the things I do in everyday life and how they affect the big picture. What I eat, what I wear, what I say, how I respond, who I'm around... it all matters. It all shapes who I'm growing up to be. While I think that growing up is the hardest thing I've EVER had to do, it has never stopped being fun.
--I've really become focused in my writing. I used to say I just did it for fun, but now... it's everything. This little blog is my favorite thing that I look forward to every day. My journals are glimpses into every part of who I am. I'm so thankful for writing and what it has given me in the past six months. Some people find it in singing, others an instrument...some find it in open heart surgery. That thing that makes you feel connected to other people. That allows you to express yourself and do something worth while all at the same time. For me, that's writing. And the best part, the part that really makes me smile...is that it doesn't have to get any bigger than me writing my plays and stories and filling in my journals. It doesn't have to become my career, I don't need to make a penny off of it. It's completely, freely, all mine. That's bliss.
--I started watching the show New Girl, which if you don't know how that could make an impact on my life we don't need to talk about it, do we?
--I started an amazing job that I really love. Working at Glensheen has helped me grow up tremendously. I did a bad thing last week... I slept in through my alarm and got into some trouble. Nothing too bad, but serious enough for me to realize how big my role at work is. It was a blessing in disguise. I love the feeling of going into work and doing projects and seeing the process of how a business is run.
--I discovered the beauty of coffee. Not just black coffee. Did you know you can put creamer in it? It makes it taste better? I think I should trademark that-- wait a minute...
-- I got to travel to San Francisco on my 21st birthday. Some people get so drunk they can't spell their name on their big day. Me? I was in the sky. Flying is one of my all time favorite experiences. I love smaller planes where you can feel the dip. Ah! So good. I arrived in San Francisco to celebrate with my best friend who was getting married that next week. It was amazing. Secret MacKenzie Fact: I love bridges. I don't know why. Driving over them is something I like to avoid, but looking at them is one of my very favorite things. I loved that city, that bridge, that day. I also loved that day because my friend Charlie met me at the airport to start his journey to Honduras for the summer. We both shared a few drinks, and started our adventures to completely new territory. I have butterflies just thinking about that moment. Being so excited for myself, for Charlie, and for an amazing day in California.
--I took a class this semester on Scenic Paining. While I'm certainly no Picasso, I love this class. If you're wondering, my final is to paint Free Willy. It's not a big deal. Yes it is.
--I spent the summer in Duluth with two of my very favorite people. Emilie and Daniel. I don't even know where to begin with these two. Daniel is, in every sense of the word, an individual. Emilie is, in every sense of the word, a true friend. Spending almost every day with them provided many laughs, many nights on the porch, many morning afters, and many moments of feeling safe. I'm so grateful to have them, and I cherish our summer by the lake.
--I also moved into my new apartment! We just had a small get together for my friends 30th birthday, and it was so fun to have a few people fill into our living room on a snowy night and just talk. I love my home. We have a piano where I can pretend to write songs, we have multiple couches that don't fit, we have neighbors who listen to music at 4am...but offer earplugs!, and I have my roommate Kelly. Meeting Kelly was probably the greatest thing that ever happened to me. She helps me with all of my unorganized chaos, and has never once become (vocally) impatient with me. I owe her many things, including gas money, but she'll be the last to ask for it. Lucky. I am lucky.
--Something I'm just thinking about now, long after I actually did this.... I said no to things. I'm horrible at saying no to things because I don't want to disappoint or put any stress on anyone. But I was asked to work on numerous shows and I took a step back and asked myself if I could give it my all... and I said no. It's nice to allow myself time to readjust. I'm proud of myself, that makes me feel strong.
--I saw the Northern Lights! Guys! It's still such a magical memory for me. I loved it. Adventuring with my Three Musketeers into the middle of nowhere, having no idea what we were looking for. I loved that night, with my boys, playing the If Game while lying on rocks looking at the sky. Adventuring in this city, especially in the summertime, is one of my favorite things. Duluth is beautiful, the north shore is insanity. Some days I don't want to leave...which means I'm doing something right.
--And something that I'm starting... like, right now. This second. Is not second guessing every move I make. If I want to confront someone because they are rude, Imma DO IT. If I want to kiss a boy because he's cute and telling me my smile makes him smile, IMMA DO IT. Having less fear.. that's what I want for myself in the next six months.
I find myself ready for next semester. Going back to school full time, taking time away from shows to write, and continuing the slow, painful, but hysterical process of growing up. Cheers to that, I'll need many a brewski to get through it.....
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