I keep finding myself dreaming the same dream. I'm at an intersection, stuck in the worst traffic of my life. I'm behind the wheel of a car I just bought for $300 (I don't own a car, that's how much they cost, yes?) and it dies (because the piece o' shiiit was $300, I KNOW). I'm scrambling, frantic, can't figure out what to do. The person in the passenger seat keeps changing. First it's my mom, she's drinking beer. Then it's my best friend Jane, who's just straight laughing at me. Then it's Topaz, who is asleep. Then it's my dad, then my friend josh, then my professor, then my fourth grade crush who turned out to be a really hot dude, then this chick that called me a pig and she now has a pig nose in this dream and she fucking deserves it. I'm paying so much attention to the people appearing in my passenger seat, I'm doing nothing to get out of this intersection. I'm remaining stuck in a $300 car that I now remind myself smells like a drug that also smells like skunks. The dream ends when I realize the metaphor for my life and the fact that I'm living in a Zach Braff movie and I kind of want to vomit.
And then I'm up.
And that's my life.
Currently, on July 30th, 2014, at 23 years old, I'm in that intersection. A lot of people in much nicer cars are passing me by. They probably have good credit and a college degree and smell like pine needles or something... I don't. I smell like espresso and sweat, I do not enjoy school, and I won't comment on my credit because the people that want to talk about that are probably reading this right now... I'm stuck in that intersection and for the first time, I think ever, I'm okay with it.
It's no secret that the past two/three years of my life have been this giant learning curve. I have gotten lost on that curve so many times, I think it should be called a learning maze (I'm BRILLIANT.) I have never been so happy to be so lost. In the past six months, I've found more reason for joy than I ever have in my life so far. Every morning I wake up and I make people their morning latte, grab them their coffee, and send them off with a 'have a great day' and a silent 'please tip me or you will have seven years bad luck' smile. I have never enjoyed a job this much. I have never found a group of coworkers that make me smile and laugh and accept all my neurotic behavior. I have never been more honest, more kind, more accepting, and more adaptable. And it's because I made a plan. In December, I was at another intersection and I made a plan, I asked for a lot of help, and most importantly I made a decision to work for happiness, and it appeared.
In the past six months I have also repeatedly asked the question: 'Where am I going to go in this life?' I maybe ask it 5 times a day? Probz more like 64. Somewhere between 64 and 5 is the amount of times I ask myself where am I going and what do I want to do and who will I meet and will I be a success story and what if I fail, but, oh sweet child, what if I succeed! and a million other questions. And while I'm sitting there asking myself over and over why I still haven't managed to train for a 5k (because there's this thing called baby steps and first I have to learn how to download a running app on my phone, obviously) I am seeing friends run marathons. While I'm asking myself why I haven't moved away from Duluth, I see friends moving to opposite coasts. Life is changing around me, cars are flying past, and I'm in that intersection. For a long time, I saw that as a setback. Why was it my car that broke down? Why am I the one struggling so much at this one thing that actually everyone struggles with but I feel like it's just me because no one talks about???
I'm learning to love that intersection. It's really fun to be me right now. This summer I've been in six different states, I saw THE CORN PALACE (?!?!?!!?!_~@), started a weekly game of Drinktionary, have started writing something I'm really excited about, own a bike that I'm trying to fix on my own but am probably just making worse, have caught up on Game of Thrones, and have realized that I'm the happiest I've ever been. So even in my small little world, that's an amazing feat. I lose sight of this accomplishment when I worry about what people think, what those passengers in my car would really say if I told them I didn't mind being stuck. Maybe being stuck with them in a car in a busy intersection will make one hell of a story for us to tell one day...
So, today I'm making this plan: I will always advocate for joy. If it makes me happy, it will remain in my life. If it doesn't, it needs to be removed. If I continue to work towards this ideal goal of happiness, but am always attempting to keep things that make me unhappy, I will continue to feel defeated. Cars get stuck, too many donuts get eaten, phones get dropped in liquid... life happens. So let's create real moments of joy, of following our gut, of making mistakes and taking insane chances and let's fall in love with the wrong person and drink too many summer shandy's and, you know, work for happiness. Let's get stuck and cry about it and then laugh and learn the lesson, just like Zach Braff needs us to.
It was my decision to continue living in Duluth without attending school for a semester, to take a break away from theatre and meet new people and pay my bills on time and find a solid, positive job and I did all those things. That was my plan and it brought me the most amazing amount of joy.
My plan now is to keep on that road. To take my time. To remember to breathe. To be proud of others, to be kind to myself. To make my bed. To read my books. To write my poems that I will never show to anyone, no matter how many beers I've had. And to remind myself 23 is kind of the perfect age to get a little lost, and have your imaginary $300 car break down in your dreams. I hope I keep having that dream. I want to finish it, to see myself ignore the passenger for just enough time to make my own decision, and save myself one more time.
Cheers.
