I work two jobs. My feet hurt. I've gained weight.
I'm Bridget Fucking Jones.
Nah, just kidding. I mean, my feet do really hurt.... But if I'm Bridget Jones then there's a Mark Darcy that looks a lot like Colin Firth in my future and I'm hashtag excited.
The past six months. How do I sum up my life for you? Basically, the past six months have been... important. The past year of my life has been the most important year I've lived.
Can I tell you about it?
See, a year ago, almost to the date, I had a series of conversations with a number of very influential people in my life. I had just come off a rough patch of admitting mistakes and picking up some pieces and trying to regain my self esteem and all the things twenty year olds never talk about because we're too young to be this confused but too old to have our parents fix it, so we usually just wait it out. Well, it was clear that the waiting period was over.
I talked with one friend who lives too far away and cried to him that I felt like a failure.
I talked to this one chick who gave birth to me about how I didn't want to disappoint her.
I talked to a certain gem about how I wish I was the kind of person that made their bed.
I talked with the dude I call Dad but isn't really my dad about moving back home. He said no.....
I talked and I talked and I talked, but I didn't make a plan.
The plan sort of found me. I didn't want to move back home, and I didn't want to be in school. So I got a job. I wrote in my journal that I would make my bed every day before I went to work. Maybe by making my bed, by taking a moment to do something for myself, I could teach myself to also not just wash but put away my laundry and not just buy books but also read them and not just buy spinach but also eat it before it becomes some sort of soup (like what happens to it? why does it do that...) Regardless of my lack of ability to eat the fresh foods I buy, slowly but surely I started to build something. Call it a schedule, call it a routine... I don't know. It feels bigger than that?
The backstory is that before a year ago there were days where I didn't get out of bed. There were phone calls where I just needed to hear someone else's thoughts other than my own. There were really bad days. So instead of building a schedule or a routine... I think I built myself a life. I was a better friend. I was an honest person. My anxiety washed away. I was paying for all my bills all on my own. I was a full fledged working human with new plans and dreams and goals...and a beautiful bed.
That was just the beginning. Within the first few months of my new year, I went out and met more people than I think I've ever known in my life. I, MacKenzie McCullum, actually talked to human males. And, like, danced with 'em. I found that while I was growing up and showing up everyday to work towards happiness, life was giving and giving and giving me so many rewards for my hard work. Now, that doesn't mean my feet didn't hurt. Have I mentioned my feet hurt? Okay. Just check-- they really do.
Within a year, I've taken more trips than I did before my twenties. I've been to more family gatherings than I did in the past year. I worked more hours a week than the freaking president (that's probs not true, though..) I drove through the mountains of Colorado and threw up in a gas station bathroom because of the elevation sickness and it was perfect. I flew to California and spent the day in Disneyland and ate a Mickey pretzel and blasted music through some hills called the Grapevine. I went to the state fair with my mom where she turned to me and said, 'You look really happy.' I got a job where I get paid to work in theatre. I played a weekly game of Drinktionary. On Thanksgiving I took a walk with my brother and he said, 'The past is the past, we only look forward.' I mean, come on. That's a good year.
I don't know how to put it into words, this feeling of gratitude and pride and confidence and love. See, I didn't think this kind of happiness was in the cards for me. I didn't realize that while I was stumbling and falling, there was this group of people who refused to walk away. What you've allowed me to do by continuing to show up for me and listen and hand me tissues and go for a drive and sit in total silence. You allowed me the opportunity to build. I don't write as often of my struggles because they are not as painful and don't last as long. Or, maybe, I just have the right tools now and am better prepared.
I'm going to continue to build this life, bit by bit, and continue to add people and places and things to my journey. I'm so very thankful you've been a part of it. This blog. The readers. My friends. When I started this blog, I was very lost. I needed something tangible where I could read my words and feel less alone. You gave me so much more. The posts on this blog chronicle a fight and a battle and a victory. I won because of me, but I also won because of you.
It's been an important year. Thank you, truly, for sharing it with me.
Cheers to you.
