You know those moments where you're sitting in a group of friends, sharing a beer and a cigarette, laughing about how you pissed your pants that one time, and this wash of sheer bliss comes over you? You just sit back...you look at these beautiful people, who mean more than any words on a keyboard can express, and you take a mental picture of what your life is like at 22 years old. I hope I can see that pictures for years to come. It was perfect. And I'm having more and more moments like that these days. Not everyday is good. There are bad days. There are days where I don't feel strong. I don't feel like being MacKenzie... but then I have the good days. The strong days. The days where I can take pictures in my mind to carry with me forever. And those days, those pictures, they erase the weakness and the sadness. Always. I'm so lucky. I feel like it's luck. It's not work being friends with these people. I never once ask myself why I'm friends with them. I just sit back and take my mental Kodaks and revel in the fact that whoever is responsible for me being here is making me feel very full these days. Thanks, You.
I think I'm coming into my own a little bit more. Is that growing up? Gross. I don't care. But I'm sticking up for myself. I'm allowing awkwardness to linger when it's earned. I'm not as much of a pushover as I was. I'm not letting the small, insignificant moments linger and turn into catastrophic meltdowns. I'm not lying to myself and others about who I am and what I bring to the table. I'm being me. It wasn't a conscious effort. It wasn't something I even thought about until today. But I was sitting at a bar with my friends laughing about Ace Ventura, being too loud for stranger's ears, and being completely, absolutely myself. And that's a beautiful moment. We live in a world where we don't get that moment because we're striving to be what the TV, the magazines, the powers that be tell us we need to be. To have that moment, to keep getting that moment over and over again... I mean, forget about happy... I feel empowered and fucking wonderful.
I still eat too many doughnuts, because.. umm, they're doughnuts. I still have a messy room, I still drink too much. I still do all these things that might, maybe, probably could offend someone else. I don't mean to make anyone else uncomfortable, I'm just reveling in the fact that there are people that truly get who I am. The good, the bad, the disgusting. The peeing of pants, the cackle heard round the world, the sleep instead of hang out, the never answering of phone calls, the too many phone calls, all of it. I hope everyone can say that. I hope everyone has that person that makes them feel the luckiest. Cause I feel the luckiest at the hands of many a person tonight. That is magic. That is luck. That is romance. I kind of feel bad for the man that walks into my life and sweeps me off my feet. Because I'm already swept... by these amazing people that are my family.
Isn't it disgusting? Give me a week, I'll be back to writing about sadness. Until then, I'm fucking happy. I swear too much, and I'm poor, and lucky. I'll take it.
If you're reading this, my wonderful friends who put up with my obsession of blogging, you've played a part. And somewhere in my mind there is a picture of us, of you helping me become who I am, and there are not enough thank you's in the milky way to express my gratitude. So, I'll just say cheers. Cheers to helping, to loving, to feeling strong.
Cheers, most importantly, to you.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Suns Gonna Rise
I haven't written in a long while about life because, well, life has gone by pretty fast these past few weeks. The weather is dull, the work is steady, the laundry is even getting done. It's all good. All was well. But, I'm wondering, after waking up from a nap and seeing sunshine for the first time in days... Is there ever a point where it can become too well? Where this schedule of waking up, work, walk home, eat Ramen noodles, nap, clean, hang out with my people, sleep... I mean, it's a full day... and will this schedule ever not be enough? I'm already feeling like I need a second job, already feeling like I need to make so much money this summer it's ridiculous, already feeling like this summer isn't going to be the summer I wanted it to be. I wanted beach days and drinks with too much ice in them and sunshine that leaves it's mark on my skin. But... nothing is really wrong. You know? I'm making it work. I think. So, in this time of life-is-great-but-the-weather-isnt-and-sometimes-that-confuses-me I need to keep checking in with what's working, what's going well, what's getting me through the days. Well, here's what I know:
--I celebrated my birthday with my closest friends here in Duluth. I had the best damn day. Last year I adventured to California and spent the day pretending the real world didn't exist. It was amazing. And this year, I worked a double and then had what I call a 'Wizard Party'... and it was amazing! Nothing spectacular. But I was surrounded by my people and we laughed and we adventured and we drank cheep beer and I felt loved. I felt strong.
--I love Ramen noodles more than anyone on this planet. I'm not sure if there is a competition or if anyone actually admits to liking them... but I will own up to that shit. They are amazing.
--I recently told myself I was going to try to quit swearing, and it is not going well. I just wanted to post this so my mother, my grandmother, and my old dog Mister all know I'm aware of the situation....
--The weather is such a factor of my mood. Ususally. But you know, even with the cold and the rain... I'm still having really good days. I haven't figured out why yet, which is half the fun. I haven't figured out why this mundane schedule is working, and why the weather isn't bringing me down like it usually does. Whatever I'm doing, whatever is working... I would like that to stick around for a long, long time.
--I think I'm almost done with my play. Like, actually almost done this time. I always say it's done and then I'll fall asleep at night and think of a new ending or a plot point that makes more sense and then another two months go by.... But this time, I think it's getting there. Which is a neat little feeling to carry around with me.
--I currently live in a basement, and nothing is creepier than waking up from a nap at 3:00pm thinking it's 2:00am because you don't have windows and going up your stairs to a white light at the bottom of the door. That is not a good time. But laughing as I walk back down the stairs is the pay off.
--My mom sent me a birthday card with a Harry Potter quote on it. You know, cause she's the world's greatest woman.
--Because of my move, I had to say goodbye to my bookshelf, which was my pride and joy. So now my books are in a suitcase, which weighs more than my house. I did the math. My goal for the summer is to read through my suitbookcase. I don't know how many books are in there, probably over a hundred. So, I should probably stop typing and start readying, eh?
--I'm planning a roadtrip with my friends, and the details are slim to none... but getting in that car in August will be the best pay off to this summer. I can't wait.
--You know how everyone thinks that their taste in music is the music all people should listen too? Well, here's a new band (idk if they're new, but the music is new to my ears) and I'm going to share them with you.
--I'm actually doing my laundry. I may have already expressed this, but I think it needs to be said more than once because it is a moment for the record books is the maturing of MacKenzie Jo.
--Even if I can't budget money, even if I can't seem to find the time to do my dishes, even if I don't shower for two frackin' weeks (this has never happened, I swear on Free Willy) I still have people that support me and love me and listen. And that is something I've said before, I'll say again, and I'll repeat to myself when self-doubt creeps it's way in.
I'm feeling really strong lately, and I have many a people to thank for it. I have myself to thank for it, as well...which is something I'm learning to do. Taking time to acknowledge that the road is long and full of trees that have fallen over and people that drive too slow... but you just keep on driving. Or biking, if you're like me and the thought of owning a car makes you cry it's so expensive.
It's funny, I look back at my last really bad, no good day and I remember saying to myself... In a mile you'll be feeling fine. It's a lyric from one of my favorite songs. And I believe that's true for a lot of areas in my life. In a mile, in a moment, in a breath, I'll be fine. And after I feel fine, I tend to feel good, and then great, and then strong. So... sunshine, laundry, bank account, anxiety... in a mile. Just give it a mile.
Cheers to feeling strong. Cheers to rain making you so damn grateful for humidity, and sweat, and air conditioning...once we finally reach that point. And cheers to being lifted up by the people around you, even if it's from a smile you share or a laugh at a memory.
Cheers to you.
--I celebrated my birthday with my closest friends here in Duluth. I had the best damn day. Last year I adventured to California and spent the day pretending the real world didn't exist. It was amazing. And this year, I worked a double and then had what I call a 'Wizard Party'... and it was amazing! Nothing spectacular. But I was surrounded by my people and we laughed and we adventured and we drank cheep beer and I felt loved. I felt strong.
--I love Ramen noodles more than anyone on this planet. I'm not sure if there is a competition or if anyone actually admits to liking them... but I will own up to that shit. They are amazing.
--I recently told myself I was going to try to quit swearing, and it is not going well. I just wanted to post this so my mother, my grandmother, and my old dog Mister all know I'm aware of the situation....
--The weather is such a factor of my mood. Ususally. But you know, even with the cold and the rain... I'm still having really good days. I haven't figured out why yet, which is half the fun. I haven't figured out why this mundane schedule is working, and why the weather isn't bringing me down like it usually does. Whatever I'm doing, whatever is working... I would like that to stick around for a long, long time.
--I think I'm almost done with my play. Like, actually almost done this time. I always say it's done and then I'll fall asleep at night and think of a new ending or a plot point that makes more sense and then another two months go by.... But this time, I think it's getting there. Which is a neat little feeling to carry around with me.
--I currently live in a basement, and nothing is creepier than waking up from a nap at 3:00pm thinking it's 2:00am because you don't have windows and going up your stairs to a white light at the bottom of the door. That is not a good time. But laughing as I walk back down the stairs is the pay off.
--My mom sent me a birthday card with a Harry Potter quote on it. You know, cause she's the world's greatest woman.
--Because of my move, I had to say goodbye to my bookshelf, which was my pride and joy. So now my books are in a suitcase, which weighs more than my house. I did the math. My goal for the summer is to read through my suitbookcase. I don't know how many books are in there, probably over a hundred. So, I should probably stop typing and start readying, eh?
--I'm planning a roadtrip with my friends, and the details are slim to none... but getting in that car in August will be the best pay off to this summer. I can't wait.
--You know how everyone thinks that their taste in music is the music all people should listen too? Well, here's a new band (idk if they're new, but the music is new to my ears) and I'm going to share them with you.
--I'm actually doing my laundry. I may have already expressed this, but I think it needs to be said more than once because it is a moment for the record books is the maturing of MacKenzie Jo.
--Even if I can't budget money, even if I can't seem to find the time to do my dishes, even if I don't shower for two frackin' weeks (this has never happened, I swear on Free Willy) I still have people that support me and love me and listen. And that is something I've said before, I'll say again, and I'll repeat to myself when self-doubt creeps it's way in.
I'm feeling really strong lately, and I have many a people to thank for it. I have myself to thank for it, as well...which is something I'm learning to do. Taking time to acknowledge that the road is long and full of trees that have fallen over and people that drive too slow... but you just keep on driving. Or biking, if you're like me and the thought of owning a car makes you cry it's so expensive.
It's funny, I look back at my last really bad, no good day and I remember saying to myself... In a mile you'll be feeling fine. It's a lyric from one of my favorite songs. And I believe that's true for a lot of areas in my life. In a mile, in a moment, in a breath, I'll be fine. And after I feel fine, I tend to feel good, and then great, and then strong. So... sunshine, laundry, bank account, anxiety... in a mile. Just give it a mile.
Cheers to feeling strong. Cheers to rain making you so damn grateful for humidity, and sweat, and air conditioning...once we finally reach that point. And cheers to being lifted up by the people around you, even if it's from a smile you share or a laugh at a memory.
Cheers to you.
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