Suns Gonna Rise

I haven't written in a long while about life because, well, life has gone by pretty fast these past few weeks. The weather is dull, the work is steady, the laundry is even getting done. It's all good. All was well. But, I'm wondering, after waking up from a nap and seeing sunshine for the first time in days... Is there ever a point where it can become too well? Where this schedule of waking up, work, walk home, eat Ramen noodles, nap, clean, hang out with my people, sleep... I mean, it's a full day... and will this schedule ever not be enough? I'm already feeling like I need a second job, already feeling like I need to make so much money this summer it's ridiculous, already feeling like this summer isn't going to be the summer I wanted it to be. I wanted beach days and drinks with too much ice in them and sunshine that leaves it's mark on my skin. But... nothing is really wrong. You know? I'm making it work. I think. So, in this time of life-is-great-but-the-weather-isnt-and-sometimes-that-confuses-me I need to keep checking in with what's working, what's going well, what's getting me through the days. Well, here's what I know:

--I celebrated my birthday with my closest friends here in Duluth. I had the best damn day. Last year I adventured to California and spent the day pretending the real world didn't exist. It was amazing. And this year, I worked a double and then had what I call a 'Wizard Party'... and it was amazing! Nothing spectacular. But I was surrounded by my people and we laughed and we adventured and we drank cheep beer and I felt loved. I felt strong.

--I love Ramen noodles more than anyone on this planet. I'm not sure if there is a competition or if anyone actually admits to liking them... but I will own up to that shit. They are amazing.

--I recently told myself I was going to try to quit swearing, and it is not going well. I just wanted to post this so my mother, my grandmother, and my old dog Mister all know I'm aware of the situation....

--The weather is such a factor of my mood. Ususally. But you know, even with the cold and the rain... I'm still having really good days. I haven't figured out why yet, which is half the fun. I haven't figured out why this mundane schedule is working, and why the weather isn't bringing me down like it usually does. Whatever I'm doing, whatever is working... I would like that to stick around for a long, long time.

--I think I'm almost done with my play. Like, actually almost done this time. I always say it's done and then I'll fall asleep at night and think of a new ending or a plot point that makes more sense and then another two months go by.... But this time, I think it's getting there. Which is a neat little feeling to carry around with me.

--I currently live in a basement, and nothing is creepier than waking up from a nap at 3:00pm thinking it's 2:00am because you don't have windows and going up your stairs to a white light at the bottom of the door. That is not a good time. But laughing as I walk back down the stairs is the pay off.

--My mom sent me a birthday card with a Harry Potter quote on it. You know, cause she's the world's greatest woman.

--Because of my move, I had to say goodbye to my bookshelf, which was my pride and joy. So now my books are in a suitcase, which weighs more than my house. I did the math. My goal for the summer is to read through my suitbookcase. I don't know how many books are in there, probably over a hundred. So, I should probably stop typing and start readying, eh?

--I'm planning a roadtrip with my friends, and the details are slim to none... but getting in that car in August will be the best pay off to this summer. I can't wait.

--You know how everyone thinks that their taste in music is the music all people should listen too? Well, here's a new band (idk if they're new, but the music is new to my ears) and I'm going to share them with you.

--I'm actually doing my laundry. I may have already expressed this, but I think it needs to be said more than once because it is a moment for the record books is the maturing of MacKenzie Jo.

--Even if I can't budget money, even if I can't seem to find the time to do my dishes, even if I don't shower for two frackin' weeks (this has never happened, I swear on Free Willy) I still have people that support me and love me and listen. And that is something I've said before, I'll say again, and I'll repeat to myself when self-doubt creeps it's way in.

I'm feeling really strong lately, and I have many a people to thank for it. I have myself to thank for it, as well...which is something I'm learning to do. Taking time to acknowledge that the road is long and full of trees that have fallen over and people that drive too slow... but you just keep on driving. Or biking, if you're like me and the thought of owning a car makes you cry it's so expensive.

It's funny, I look back at my last really bad, no good day and I remember saying to myself... In a mile you'll be feeling fine. It's a lyric from one of my favorite songs. And I believe that's true for a lot of areas in my life. In a mile, in a moment, in a breath, I'll be fine. And after I feel fine, I tend to feel good, and then great, and then strong. So... sunshine, laundry, bank account, anxiety... in a mile. Just give it a mile.

Cheers to feeling strong. Cheers to rain making you so damn grateful for humidity, and sweat, and air conditioning...once we finally reach that point. And cheers to being lifted up by the people around you, even if it's from a smile you share or a laugh at a memory.

Cheers to you.