Every summer I feel this anxiety come over me.... What now? What will I do with my life? Where will my decisions take me? Who will I meet? What do I want? What do I need? All these questions float in my mind, and the business of what I hope to be two jobs carries me away from really focusing on those questions... and then it's September and school begins and forget focusing on anything other than getting by butt out of bed for class.
So, here's my goal: To take this summer and really figure it out. To write blogs about the wants, the needs, the in betweens. To let myself dream again, not just make plans, but really reach for the stars over the fence world series kind of dream.
I want to move. I think in my last 18 blogs I've said that, but I really want to find a place new that's totally mine. I have an aunt that picked up her life and made Chicago her very own...and I love that. I want that kind of get up and go mentality. The only thing holding me back is my lack of commitment to my degree. And I don't know why I'm not committed, I should be, I want to be. There, another want. I really, really want to have a degree under my belt and travel the world with it.
The big questions is where do I go... Last week it was New York, today it's San Francisco... and I don't know the answer yet, I know that's okay, but trying to decide where I want to live is kind of a crap shoot until I finish these chapters here in Duluth.
Focusing on my health is a huge want of mine, especially this summer. My physical health: taking walks and treating my body kindly, not eating bowls of ice cream and expecting to feel refreshed... but also eating the bowl of ice cream knowing the day wasn't great but this ice cream is and that makes it a pretty good day. My mental health: Checking in with myself. Keep writing blogs about the bad days because looking back on them is such a learning curve, figuring out how to deal with the bad days and look forward to the good.
I want want want want want to have a place that feels like home. Where I've lived the past year has been great, awesome roommate, great location, it's all good... but it never felt like we made it home. I want arts and crafts on the walls and a clean room and hangers that actually hang clothes and not just stare at the clothes that lie on the floor (it's so hard hanging shit up... like, you get it, right?) Creating that space for myself, my own nook, being able to escape and feel relaxed because everything has a place and it's all mine. That'd be groovy.
I guess, ultimately, shamelessly, I want to be the girl who goes to class looking put together, who doesn't roll out of bed ten minutes before the bus. I want to be the girl who saves her money because there is a light at the end of the tunnel that is the next great adventure. I want to never have to ask my parents for money again, because that is the worst. I feel like I've created this independence that I LOVE and then I take nine steps back whenever I confess to them that I'm still stumbling and falling down.
And, I guess, the impossible want of them all: I want to be a degree of perfect, with just enough imperfection to keep me humble. But... typing that out... I don't want that. That sounds lame. I don't want to be this machine that makes all the right choices and doesn't get an education from the lessons in life. I thrive on those, however scary or painful they are. If I don't want to be perfect, but I want to figure it out... I mean, where's the middle ground? Where's the happy medium of youth and independence?
New York. San Fran. Chicago. Los Angeles. Where will I take myself? London. Let's go there. It's all a big mystery, and I have so much to do before I get there... I hope I stay motivated knowing the journey I have ahead of me will be one for the books... It will be one to write about.
Cheers to unanswered questions that still make you smile. Cheers to summer work craziness. Cheers to that light at the end of the tunnel, the inspiration to keep chugging along, and the people that will carry your ass when you think it never ends. To closing chapters.
Cheers to you.
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