Sadly, this is where I'm at these days. It's not a fun place to be, it's not a place I even knew about. I didn't know you could reach a level of depression where you don't feel much of anything. It's not the medication, it's not a numbness... it's just... I don't know. I don't know how to describe my depression...but I'm going to try. Because it's confusing me these days. It's making me feel lonelier then I've ever felt. It's making it really hard to be me.
Depression came into my life when I was in high school. It was very small, very quiet. Barely a problem, I would get lonely and cling on to a certain person for a month or two and then find another person who didn't realize I was a little bit lost and cling on to them until they found me out. Mostly boys, because I convinced myself the real problem was that boys didn't like me... and if I could make friendships with them then damn it I could be normal.
When I got to college I had a few girls who were really cruel to me... and that's when it got bad. It was the catalyst to convince myself that I wasn't worth anything. I let myself go, and I let myself think that everyone around me thought of me like those silly girls did. I don't know why I did that. Maybe I agreed with them. Maybe I didn't want to fight. Maybe I was still young enough to think someone would fix it for me.
For whatever reason, I let it happen. I let depression become the driving force of my every decision. Did I want to go out dancing, get dolled up, and flirt with boys? Sure. That sounds like a great time... but that required showering, picking out an outfit I convince myself I don't look horrible in, and telling myself I'm not the biggest burden in the world for needing a ride wherever we're going. I think I'll just stay in... That's how it started. Then classes came and went and I remained in bed. And once other people notice you're not okay...forget it, you just sink.
I hear depression is different for everyone. But how I explain it... how I can try... is that I have my really bad days. I confide in friends and they say, listen bitch you're fabulous, and we laugh and watch Stepmom and cry... and the iceberg of sadness I've allowed to freeze inside me gets only a fraction smaller. It's only a shred of sadness gone. A shaving of ice. And I tell myself, okay, I can do this. I feel strong. And then I stay up all night because my mind wanders to far away places where I have a new body and a new mind and a new life. Finally, I fall asleep so early into the morning I'm exhausted. When my alarm goes off, I hear it, I tell myself to get up... but that iceberg makes itself known. I remember that I.. well, am me. I'm not that new girl. It's a strange, strange thing to not like yourself. It's so personal. Friends will tell me that they don't like themselves and I'll think... listen bitch you're fabulous... you don't know the pain or the self guilt or hatred. It's such a personal thing to fear your own mind. So you sleep. You dream instead of getting up. You miss class and tell yourself your professor will think you're an idiot and doesn't give a shit about you, and that's the way it is.
Sometimes it gets worse. I've become violently ill before, where my body just rejects itself. This is one thing I truly can't explain...it's only happened a few times and I just don't get it. I really don't. I've tried getting up and starting my day and my body says a big ol' fuck you and I don't move the rest of the day. I don't get it. How some days I'm convinced I can beat this thing and other days I'm convinced I don't stand a chance.
I'm in a fog these days. And I don't know how I let that happen. Or if I let it happen? I thought I was on such a good path. And then the days pass so fast that you don't have time to check in with yourself and then three weeks goes by and life happens and you forget. You forget about the iceberg. And when that fucker makes itself known again... forget it, you're down for the count. I'm down for the count. And the worst part? For the first time... I don't feel anything. I'm in the fog. So... I don't know how to fix this. I've never been here. Am I scared? A little. Am I pissed? No. Am I confused? You bet. I have no idea how to get out of this one... I feel like my life is mistake after mistake and pretending that it's youth. But is it? Right now I'm so bored with my life... and that's insane because I'm surrounded by groovy people in a groovy town. But I'm so bored. I'm so lonely. This fog, this level of sadness that has caused me not to feel much of anything... it's exhausting. I didn't even know it was exhausting, I didn't even know it was there until now. And I want it to leave. No one can make that happen but me... but I'm scared. I want to feel strong again, I want that so bad.
I'm lost today. I feel like a fake. Like I wear the smile and play a part... I wonder if anyone truly knows the real MacKenzie. I try so hard to be completely myself, always. But when you confuse yourself, when you're not sure who you are... does that cloud other people too? Am I passing along this fog? I hope not.
This is going to be quite the path... quite the journey. I've always told myself to never make a bad day make me feel like I've lived a bad life. And I believe that, still. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be filled with realizations and clarity. Cheers to hope.
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