But This Wind, Tho...

As said in the last post, I've been feeling all kinds of lonely in the past few days. It's only grown since all I've done is go to work and come home and veg out... but this morning, as my friend's slept in due to the first snow day of the semester, I posted a status from work... stating how even though I'm not a student at the moment (taking time off to get some life experience/pay some bills/grow da fuque up) I was able to go into work this morning and hopefully warm up people's day with some bakery goodness and coffee. And while of course it's social media so you should expect a few likes here and there, I find myself smiling as each individual who acknowledged the post. I don't know. Facebook is stupid shit. It's a weird mind game where you post about yourself so people know you're alive and married and bought a new car and look at my dog jumping over my cat and I'm wearing this dress today with these boots aren't I cute and it's just the stupidest... But it's also a place of support, especially this morning when I craved a hug.

I don't know. I feel like a fourteen year old posting about a status... but it just made me so happy. It's my moment of joy for today. My kodak moment. Plans for tonight sort of fell through and so just knowing that even if your not physically with your best mates, the support is never far. That's a great feeling to carry on your back.

Oh, winter. All the feelings, at all the same times. Go home, vortex, you're just a big bitch.

okbyenow.

The Waves, You Know?

I've just had this surge of loneliness come over me. It's the weirdest feeling, when it comes all at once. Everyone has it, and yet loneliness feels completely secluded. Other people's lonely doesn't feel this way, you tell yourself. They have this person and this person, and they fall asleep next to so and so... but that's bogus and I know that's bogus so forgive the bogus.

Short post. Sometimes I just need to write down that at this exact moment I can feel my emotions, tangible evidence that sometimes moments in my day aren't the best. There are so many good moments, it's only human to feel the lows. I wish there was someone to hold onto... but then again I get to hold myself up, and that makes me feel strong.

Ok, interweb. Gonna go watch Free Willy and shed some tears and wake up tomorrow refreshed and ready to celebrate my day off. Anxious heart, relax, already. It's only life...

Cheers.

Her and Me and You

When award season is upon us, I watch every movie under the sun. The films that I missed throughout the year finally get watched, and every year without fail one has an insane impact of me. I'll watch in fifteen times. In a row. I'll quote it, publicly, in a speech, about washing your hands after using the restroom (but seriously, it takes two minutes, just rinse ya damn phalanges)... This year the film that is keeping me awake dreaming about creating is Her by Spike Jonze.

We're here only briefly. And while we're here, I want to allow myself joy.

This quote, from the film, is now posted on my mirror, my phone, I made a bookmark... It's getting a little out of hand. One of my main goals for 2014 is to spend every day focusing on the small, average things in my everyday that bring a smile to my face. In other words, teach myself joy. Fall in love with my life. It was my goal before I saw this film, and when I heard the line I immediately felt this surge of emotion come over me. I love that about film. I get so engrossed in what's before me, for two/two and a half hours my mind/heart is in a brand new, expensively gorgeous place. 

This film takes place in the near-ish future. People dress clean and the buildings are beautiful. Pastels and mustaches, hipster outfits but everyone washed their hair. The world is, in a sense, perfect. And yet people can still feel loneliness and long for more. It was a reminder as I head into one whole month of documenting my moments of joy that in any world, in any place, you make a choice. Everyday you choose to get up, stay up, and never give up. You choose joy.

A friend of mine and I were talking on New Year's Eve, the day before my quest of allowing myself joy technically began, and he shared a conversation he had once where someone asked, blatantly, 'Who ever said you were owed happiness?' Who ever said happiness/joy/health/love is given, without work or even acknowledgement? To me, it was an 'Ohhhhhh, yeah!!!!' moment. Obviously it's not just given to us. Obviously we have to work our asses off to fight for our happiness/joy/health/love. Obviously it's something worth fighting for. So how can something so obvious be so easy to forget? I'm glad I'm making it a priority these days... Every day I write down what in the last 24 hours brought me joy I go to sleep smiling. Not bad.... Not bad at all.

Cheers to the work. Cheers to, always, taking life just a little too seriously. (I mean, really, it's just another film with kooky Walking Pheonix) (Please laugh at my joke about how walking and Joaquin sound the same).... Cheers to you.


Also, how bad was American Hustle??? lol jkjkjkjjkj nvm ttyl

Highlight Reels

You cannot use someone else's fire; you can only use your own. 

And in order to do that you much first believe you have it. 

-- Audre Lorde

Nine days into a brand new year and it's everything I've wanted it to be and more. Well, I mean, still
no job and still a lot to accomplish... but I'm getting there. With every day there's one more application sent and my bed being made and texting my mother the beer and wine emojis. Life is looking really good this first week of the new year. I'm sleeping. Like, actually closing my computer early and reading before bed and waking up as my roommates go to work and I get up, I stay up, and I don't give up. I keep trekking. It's this amazing feeling like I have so much ahead of me in my life. I don't know where this sudden burst of inspiration came from, but I'm so grateful for it.

I was texting one of my great friends from college earlier today. Keaton and I were living a few floors apart our freshman year, and throughout college and now beyond we catch up whenever we can. It's one of those, I saw you tweet this funny thing and I'm going to text you and say you're a funny mother trucker so you don't forget type of friendships. We all need 'em. I heard he had a new job and wanted to see how it as going; he asked how my job hunt was going and I told him that it's just day by day. We're 22/23 years old and all we were talking about was our jobs? Lame. What's not lame is when we got to talking about how there's all this pressure to become a successful human being, in like, a week. We literally give ourselves a week to figure out a plan for the rest of our lives. And when that plan doesn't work out we're shocked because we need to start again. Granted, four years in college is longer than a week... but if 22 isn't the age to rediscover yourself and change careers, jobs, ideas, goals, values... then when is the age? When should we give ourselves the time to be in love with our life? The time is now. Simple as that.

We also got to talking (all through text mind you, it's one of those out of body experiences where you're like 'pick up the phone and call him, ya lazy weirdo') about how we look at how our peers are doing and that automatically means we're either succeeding or failing. There's no in between. You go to a bar with friends and they ask about your salary. You go on a date with a boy and your girlfriends want to know if he's marriage material. Umm.. I'm a child, I'm sorry, what? There's this need for comparison in our generation, I'm not sure where it comes from but it's a shame. I have a friend from my high school days that now works in corporate America at one of the top businesses in the country. And I'm so proud to know her. I'm so proud to say I knew her when she failed her math test because she was hungover. I'm so proud of who she's become. But there's also this pit in my stomach that says, 'What am I doing?' I'm not in an office overlooking Minneapolis. I'm not a college grad. I'm not this, I'm not that, well I guess I'm worthless.... (THAT IS A DUMB WAY TO LIVE, PEOPLE.) When I look on Facebook and I see someone got engaged or won an award or took a trip to Europe, my immediate reaction, whether I want it to be or not, it to say, 'What about me?' It takes away so much joy. It takes away so much happiness... for other people and for myself. It's part of the reason I've wanted for so many years to get rid of my Facebook. But after nine days of teaching myself joy I can say I've turned it all around. Now, when my friend posts a picture of her office overlooking Minneapolis, I can say that it's the coolest photo I saw that day. What an amazing job to have, but I'm so glad I was able to take a walk by the lake and read my book. I'm so glad I can feel the snow crunching beneath my feet as I walk to my next coffee date. I did take a picture of me wearing lipstick, so I mean, who won that day?? Obvious answer. It's such an early start to the year, but already I can see the change in myself, in learning that by focusing on only my path, and my allowing myself time to make the journey... I'm so much happier. The 'highlight reels', people's successes they show on social network... they don't stop my journey. They don't make me feel like I'm failing. It's amazing that I know people who are successful and happy and want to share that with the world. It's also nice when someone posts a status about slipping and falling. It's all relative. None of it should ever stop us from pursuing our goals. No one's success should make you feel like a failure, because your journey is completely your own. The time it takes you to complete that journey shouldn't matter. We don't remember how long it took us to study for a test, we just remember that feeling in your heart when you looked up your grade and wanted to kiss everyone in the hallway because you actually passed. Just me? Moving on...

No matter where we are in life, whether we're starting a new job or taking a semester off. Whether we have a mortgage or can't make this month's rent... We deserve to put life on hold and reassess. We owe that to ourselves. Figure out what we truly want. Of course it's terrifying, but if life is supposed to be this exciting ride full of twists and turns than it better be terrifying. I'm so thankful I was able to catch up with such a great friend at such a crucial part in our lives. In five years we get to look back and this moment when we changed directions and say, 'Yep. Right move.' I'm so excited for that day.

Cheers to reassessments (which is a really great word), cheers to living life honestly, cheers to the terrifying excitement that keeps us young. Cheers to friendship.


Cheers to you.