What Kind of Day It Has Been

I have realized a big and heavy realization, one that stopped me in my tracks as I got up this morning for my last year of school. I'm doing really well. Not the kind of well that you fake and only a select few really know how miserable you are. Not the kind of well that people envy (although part of growing up is learning not to envy other people's happiness and instead fighting for your own). And it's not the kind of well that I've felt before, the kind of well that lasts a few weeks or months before another low hits.

I think I'm kicking depressions ass. I think I'm doing it.

 I'm the kind of well that I'm sitting in my unmade bed with no bedsheets because I packed them away and moved my mattress at 11pm and the EFF if I'm gonna make my bed but it still was the best sleep ever kind of well.

I'm the kind of well that I know my life is far from perfect, and I know that at any given time I can screw up royally... but I get back up. I can't see my never getting back up.

I'm the kind of well that while I fight loneliness and the battles that come with it... I am full. I'm ready to love someone with all my heart. But I think the biggest lesson I've learned this summer is that I may not be ready to receive that kind of love. So I can wait. Because I have different loves in the form of many a soulmate that listen to me at any hour of any day and I call them family even though our DNA is drastically different.

I'm the kind of well that knows my talent and is ready to share it. Which never happens.

I'm the kind of well that had a dream last night where I saw myself in a photo, looking exactly as I do now-- same height, same weight, same smile -- and I remember thinking in my dream how pretty I looked. Which, this time I mean it, never happens. Cheers.

I'm the kind of well that makes me so nervous for today. A new beginning. A year of lasts, only to prepare me for another year of firsts in my life. Last year at this time I was not this prepared/healthy/happy/well... and I fought a hard battle making it through each day. Those battles will still be there, there will still be days where I skip and feel guilt and maybe won't even move... but I overcame those days before and I can't wait to feel the strength when I do it again.

I am the kind of well that feels strong. My main goal when I started this blog a year ago. I wanted to write down the days that I feel strong so I could remember them when I felt weak. I feel so strong today. Like I'm worthy. I'm important. I'm prepared. I'm beautiful, inside and out. I'm ready. I'm ready for whatever this year brings. The messes, the tears, the fears. Bring it on. I'm strong. (rhyme)

Many of my blog posts have been about time. The time it took to battle my worst phase of depression. The time is took to forgive people. I'm glad that I have time on my side for this journey. I feel well today because time has been my friend. I'm grateful for the hours and the days and the year it took to feel this strong.

Cheers to all those walking through college corridors today. Be well. Let it ride.