Feeling the Pull

Every summer I feel this anxiety come over me.... What now? What will I do with my life? Where will my decisions take me? Who will I meet? What do I want? What do I need? All these questions float in my mind, and the business of what I hope to be two jobs carries me away from really focusing on those questions... and then it's September and school begins and forget focusing on anything other than getting by butt out of bed for class.

So, here's my goal: To take this summer and really figure it out. To write blogs about the wants, the needs, the in betweens. To let myself dream again, not just make plans, but really reach for the stars over the fence world series kind of dream.

I want to move. I think in my last 18 blogs I've said that, but I really want to find a place new that's totally mine. I have an aunt that picked up her life and made Chicago her very own...and I love that. I want that kind of get up and go mentality. The only thing holding me back is my lack of commitment to my degree. And I don't know why I'm not committed, I should be, I want to be. There, another want. I really, really want to have a degree under my belt and travel the world with it.

The big questions is where do I go... Last week it was New York, today it's San Francisco... and I don't know the answer yet, I know that's okay, but trying to decide where I want to live is kind of a crap shoot until I finish these chapters here in Duluth.

Focusing on my health is a huge want of mine, especially this summer. My physical health: taking walks and treating my body kindly, not eating bowls of ice cream and expecting to feel refreshed... but also eating the bowl of ice cream knowing the day wasn't great but this ice cream is and that makes it a pretty good day. My mental health: Checking in with myself. Keep writing blogs about the bad days because looking back on them is such a learning curve, figuring out how to deal with the bad days and look forward to the good.

I want want want want want to have a place that feels like home. Where I've lived the past year has been great, awesome roommate, great location, it's all good... but it never felt like we made it home. I want arts and crafts on the walls and a clean room and hangers that actually hang clothes and not just stare at the clothes that lie on the floor (it's so hard hanging shit up... like, you get it, right?) Creating that space for myself, my own nook, being able to escape and feel relaxed because everything has a place and it's all mine. That'd be groovy.

I guess, ultimately, shamelessly, I want to be the girl who goes to class looking put together, who doesn't roll out of bed ten minutes before the bus. I want to be the girl who saves her money because there is a light at the end of the tunnel that is the next great adventure. I want to never have to ask my parents for money again, because that is the worst. I feel like I've created this independence that I LOVE and then I take nine steps back whenever I confess to them that I'm still stumbling and falling down.

And, I guess, the impossible want of them all: I want to be a degree of perfect, with just enough imperfection to keep me humble. But... typing that out... I don't want that. That sounds lame. I don't want to be this machine that makes all the right choices and doesn't get an education from the lessons in life. I thrive on those, however scary or painful they are. If I don't want to be perfect, but I want to figure it out... I mean, where's the middle ground? Where's the happy medium of youth and independence?

New York. San Fran. Chicago. Los Angeles. Where will I take myself? London. Let's go there. It's all a big mystery, and I have so much to do before I get there... I hope I stay motivated knowing the journey I have ahead of me will be one for the books... It will be one to write about.

Cheers to unanswered questions that still make you smile. Cheers to summer work craziness. Cheers to that light at the end of the tunnel, the inspiration to keep chugging along, and the people that will carry your ass when you think it never ends. To closing chapters.

Cheers to you.

New Chapters

I'm having a MUCH better day than I was two days ago. Sometimes I forget that I bottle things up and people don't have a clue that anything is wrong, so then when I finally explode everyone's like... who are you and what did you do with MacKenzie?

Well, the bad day came and went, I talked to good ol' Teri D, and I'm doing okay. Not great, not the best, but definitely okay.

People are leaving. Slowly but surely people are packing up their things and headed home. And I'm sad. I've spent four years with these people, a lifetime in my book, and now the new chapters begin. Wow. I love them, each and every one of them for very different reasons, and I'm so freaking lucky to have known them.

I think when the days get really bad like they did two days ago, I need to remind myself of the mediocre days. Days like today where nothing really happens... you see the people you always see, you do the usual tasks that fill your day... but nobody gets hurt and you laugh along the way... you're reminded that your mistakes are just as stupid and unimportant as everyone else's. You know? Like, yes I've failed too many classes...but my friend stole keychains just to do it for like, three years. Who's worse? Mistakes are mistakes. I'm not built on my GPA or my attendance record, I'm built on my character. And even though I don't always trust my own opinion, I think I've got an okay character. One that's strong even when I feel weak.

I'm feeling better. I'm feeling proud of the people in my life that are moving on. I'm feeling like ice cream is in my near future. And bonfires. And music. And maybe dancing. Definitely dancing.

I get to go home for a few days and sit on the deck with my parents and see my best friend in the whole world and adventure and drink beer and swim in the pool and have myself a little vacation. I can't wait. See, even the little things like going home or going to a bonfire, or opening a new bottle of wine... it's all reasons to smile and all reasons to keep the faith. Always have hope. I think I lost that earlier this week... but average days like today are the perfect reminder.

I find myself wanting to start my new chapter, but feeling like it's not even worth it. I mean, I'll still be here next year, right? Why start now? But that's Stupid MacKenzie talking.... and Smart MacKenzie knows it's never too early to try something new. So I think I'll do just that. I'll take baby steps and try new things and set plans to move out of here in a year and see where the wind takes me. It's never to early to make your dreams into plans, and your can't into cans. Never ever.

Cheers to plans. Cheers to goodbyes, see ya laters, and tearful hugs. Cheers to you.

The Fog.

“I’d try to explain that it’s not really negativity or sadness anymore, it’s more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can’t feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you’re horribly bored and lonely.” 

Sadly, this is where I'm at these days. It's not a fun place to be, it's not a place I even knew about. I didn't know you could reach a level of depression where you don't feel much of anything. It's not the medication, it's not a numbness... it's just... I don't know. I don't know how to describe my depression...but I'm going to try. Because it's confusing me these days. It's making me feel lonelier then I've ever felt. It's making it really hard to be me. 

Depression came into my life when I was in high school. It was very small, very quiet. Barely a problem, I would get lonely and cling on to a certain person for a month or two and then find another person who didn't realize I was a little bit lost and cling on to them until they found me out. Mostly boys, because I convinced myself the real problem was that boys didn't like me... and if I could make friendships with them then damn it I could be normal. 

When I got to college I had a few girls who were really cruel to me... and that's when it got bad. It was the catalyst to convince myself that I wasn't worth anything. I let myself go, and I let myself think that everyone around me thought of me like those silly girls did. I don't know why I did that. Maybe I agreed with them. Maybe I didn't want to fight. Maybe I was still young enough to think someone would fix it for me. 

For whatever reason, I let it happen. I let depression become the driving force of my every decision. Did I want to go out dancing, get dolled up, and flirt with boys? Sure. That sounds like a great time... but that required showering, picking out an outfit I convince myself I don't look horrible in, and telling myself I'm not the biggest burden in the world for needing a ride wherever we're going. I think I'll just stay in... That's how it started. Then classes came and went and I remained in bed. And once other people notice you're not okay...forget it, you just sink. 

I hear depression is different for everyone. But how I explain it... how I can try... is that I have my really bad days. I confide in friends and they say, listen bitch you're fabulous, and we laugh and watch Stepmom and cry... and the iceberg of sadness I've allowed to freeze inside me gets only a fraction smaller. It's only a shred of sadness gone. A shaving of ice. And I tell myself, okay, I can do this. I feel strong. And then I stay up all night because my mind wanders to far away places where I have a new body and a new mind and a new life. Finally, I fall asleep so early into the morning I'm exhausted. When my alarm goes off, I hear it, I tell myself to get up... but that iceberg makes itself known. I remember that I.. well, am me. I'm not that new girl. It's a strange, strange thing to not like yourself. It's so personal. Friends will tell me that they don't like themselves and I'll think... listen bitch you're fabulous... you don't know the pain or the self guilt or hatred. It's such a personal thing to fear your own mind. So you sleep. You dream instead of getting up. You miss class and tell yourself your professor will think you're an idiot and doesn't give a shit about you, and that's the way it is. 

Sometimes it gets worse. I've become violently ill before, where my body just rejects itself. This is one thing I truly can't explain...it's only happened a few times and I just don't get it. I really don't. I've tried getting up and starting my day and my body says a big ol' fuck you and I don't move the rest of the day. I don't get it. How some days I'm convinced I can beat this thing and other days I'm convinced I don't stand a chance. 

I'm in a fog these days. And I don't know how I let that happen. Or if I let it happen? I thought I was on such a good path. And then the days pass so fast that you don't have time to check in with yourself and then three weeks goes by and life happens and you forget. You forget about the iceberg. And when that fucker makes itself known again... forget it, you're down for the count. I'm down for the count. And the worst part? For the first time... I don't feel anything. I'm in the fog. So... I don't know how to fix this. I've never been here. Am I scared? A little. Am I pissed? No. Am I confused? You bet. I have no idea how to get out of this one... I feel like my life is mistake after mistake and pretending that it's youth. But is it? Right now I'm so bored with my life... and that's insane because I'm surrounded by groovy people in a groovy town. But I'm so bored. I'm so lonely. This fog, this level of sadness that has caused me not to feel much of anything... it's exhausting. I didn't even know it was exhausting, I didn't even know it was there until now. And I want it to leave. No one can make that happen but me... but I'm scared. I want to feel strong again, I want that so bad. 

I'm lost today. I feel like a fake. Like I wear the smile and play a part... I wonder if anyone truly knows the real MacKenzie. I try so hard to be completely myself, always. But when you confuse yourself, when you're not sure who you are... does that cloud other people too? Am I passing along this fog? I hope not. 

This is going to be quite the path... quite the journey. I've always told myself to never make a bad day make me feel like I've lived a bad life. And I believe that, still. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be filled with realizations and clarity. Cheers to hope.

A Poem Because Words Are Hard Today.

My friends are all packing
Their chapter is fin.
They're off to new places
Off to make a name.

I don't have words
To describe how I'll miss them.
So I think I'll just keep
saying
that they're the most important.
all of it.
the most.

I know I'll get sad.
I know I'll cry.
But I get to send them off,
and dream of the next goodbye.
The goodbye that comes after
the reuniting of laughs.

so, I'll be okay,
and they will to
because we've got places to go
and people to meet
art to create
and earth to see.

that's what matters.
cheers.
this poem is shit.