You have to know where you're going or else you just get confused.
I have a coworker that has said this to me a few times since I started my job back in April. The first time, I remember thinking what a cool phrase it was. Because it's true. But, naturally, I forgot the phrase, forgot the meaning, and went about my days. Just the other day we started talking about what he wanted from his future. He wants some crazy things. Like, making a house out of aluminum cans and living off the earth and moonshining type weird. And I'm all like -- Yeah, just going to New York, LOL bye..... -- but after he said all of his crazy plans he paused and said 'That's just it. It doesn't matter what you're plan is... you have to know where you're going or else you just get confused.'
The second time hearing it, I found myself smiling. I knew I wouldn't forget the phrase. This past year of my life has been trying to convince myself to focus. To work really hard for the bigger picture. The problem is I keep losing what that picture looks like. When it's 5am and I haven't slept all week and I don't want to get up for work, I don't tell myself to stay focus, I come up with reasons it's okay to fall back asleep. Then when I have five minutes to get ready for work I'm kicking myself because I could have had an hour. You can imagine how put together I look at 6am... The point, is that I get confused a lot. I forget where I'm going. And I'm grateful to my coworker for reminding me that there is always a reason to wake up, there's always a reason to work really hard.
I don't want to serve people food for the rest of my life. I want to be my own version of successful. But I'm ready to work really hard at the part-time jobs to get to new places. I feel really good about where I'm at today but it's all a part of the journey. I'll never get to New York, to San Fran, to the jobs I dream about... I won't get anywhere if I don't remind myself where I want to be.
Cheers to gentle reminders. Cheers to hard work. Cheers to the payoff.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Confusion City
The days are busy but good, and the nights are lonely and full of silence. It's a weird combo, but I think I'm making it work. I find that the silence creates more noise than anything. I'm able to think, really dig down deep and check in with my emotions. I thought that was supposed to be a good thing? But now I find that I'm a ball of emotions... and yet I never cry. I used to cry at commercials with puppies and now I watch movie after movie that literally has 'You'll cry your eyes out!' on the poster and I just sit there. Is that a bad thing? Is that growing up? Is that numb? I don't necessarily feel numb... I feel like I'm making an effort to really live each day and experience the moments. Maybe I'm just tired...
It's funny when you can feel yourself falling into a lull. Because it's not a bad place to be at. I'm doing really well. You simply find moments of your day (say, at night when I'm alone) to remind yourself that sometimes you get sad or sometimes you don't feel good about yourself. Like, brain, why the reminder? Duh. I guess all I can do is try even harder to remind myself of the good things that happen throughout my days. Really good things, with the best people.
It's a bittersweet funk. It's complicated simplicity. It's life.
What a world.
Cheers.
It's funny when you can feel yourself falling into a lull. Because it's not a bad place to be at. I'm doing really well. You simply find moments of your day (say, at night when I'm alone) to remind yourself that sometimes you get sad or sometimes you don't feel good about yourself. Like, brain, why the reminder? Duh. I guess all I can do is try even harder to remind myself of the good things that happen throughout my days. Really good things, with the best people.
It's a bittersweet funk. It's complicated simplicity. It's life.
What a world.
Cheers.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Give it a Name
There's loneliness in the air today. It tries to break the good and the bad and turn it into despair. Does loneliness mean you have no one or you just know someone else, someone you've never met before, is supposed to be here? Because there are others, people who radiate, people who are the reason for feeling whole. But there's that one person, being, thing, that's supposed to be here. Where are you? Are you searching for another, too?
I'm right here.
It's not that I would trade, I would just like to add.
It's not that I'm not happy, I just wonder, wonder, wonder.
Sometimes the imagination is a friendly foe.
Sometimes I wish you were here.
Sometimes I'm glad you aren't.
Most days I wish.
I'm right here.
It's not that I would trade, I would just like to add.
It's not that I'm not happy, I just wonder, wonder, wonder.
Sometimes the imagination is a friendly foe.
Sometimes I wish you were here.
Sometimes I'm glad you aren't.
Most days I wish.
Monday, July 8, 2013
The Call.
In the last few days, I've become more and more clear that when times get tough, you need a few days of breathing room. I've been thinking about those special times in my last few years... and at the time, they were just days... just regular moments. But now, after some time, they're these great memories that I share and laugh about. Every little moment builds into these great stories that I talk about when people ask about high school, about how I manage to laugh at myself. It's easy, really, I'm kind of this quirky mess with a loud voice. But I wouldn't trade it, I wouldn't trade myself... which feels really good today. These memories carry me through self doubt and catapult me into reflecting on all the goodness:
--The other day I took a seven hour nap so I was up all night and it's amazing how quiet the world is when the only thing you feel like doing is dancing in your living room.
--In high school, the worst thing I ever did was skip a day of school when my parents went on vacation. My best friend and I had a week long sleepover, and one day we just didn't go. She called in as my mom, and she also called in as her sister-in-law, and we spent the day in my basement watching movies. It's actually the perfect story of our rebellion, because we were angels back then. Sticking it to the man, one skip day at a time.
--A year ago, to the date, I was in the worst phase of my depression. I kept calling it sadness, I couldn't even say the word. On July 4th, 2012, I was sure there was no other option but sleeping away my days until someone woke me up telling me it was over. What a hard way to live...What a weird day to feel alone. But I made a few calls to really important people, and slowly but surely I started climbing out of a really deep hole. Those phone calls are the reason I did anything about my depression. Make the call. Fight for yourself. The best medicine I've ever been given is time. A year has gone by and I have no idea if I'm out of the hole or not, but I know that I'll never get that deep again. It's the weirdest feeling to look back on a year and know that I was so close to giving up. Now, today, it's not possible. There's too much good in the world, in my world. The good didn't start a year ago, it's always been there. But fog, sadness, depression... whatever that word is, it takes the light away. Now during the bad days that light never goes away... it just gets dim. Part of me wishes it would never dim, but that's life, isn't it? Finding a source of energy, of strength, when you feel your weakest. That's the stuff you write about.
--If I ever make a big paycheck, the first thing I'll do is pay my parents back for every 'I need help' call I've ever had to make. They don't know it, but I keep a journal of every time I've ever asked for money since I've been in college. It's a huge amount, and every time I struggle getting up for work I remember all that they have done to help me and how badly I want to help them back... and I do work. It's sort of lost in my suburban girl attitude that some people have never had this option. I'm so lucky. For now, that's all I can say. I'm lucky and grateful and my cup runneth over.
--Every teacher I've had, every professor, I've asked the same question: What were you're parents like? I don't know why it's my go-to question, I guess I'm fascinated by individual history. My favorite answer: The best. That's all they say. Most of them. Some of them didn't have great relationships, some of them lost a parent or both in childhood, some of them have beautiful stories of how their aunt took them in and became their parent. But my favorite answer is when they smile and take a moment before giving me the simplest answer: They were the best. I can't wait until I'm asked that question years from now. Looking back on who helped shape the person we are, it's such a treat.
--My first days of college feel lightyears away. It's funny how you can't really tell how much you've changed in a few years...but I know I'm quite different. In high school, I was so straight laced and cared so much what others thought about me. You try so hard to fit a model of what others want to see. We all do it. Wear the right brand, say the right slang, be the right person. And now, hell, you try so hard to be your own person, to create your own path. I'm so glad I've changed. I miss my friends, I miss having so much in common with so many people based strictly on knowing them for so many years. But I'm so grateful for the opportunity to really search for who I am. Does everyone get that? I hope so. I think you're forced into it, sooner or later, and you never really feel on track... But maybe that's not our fault. I mean, who says where the track is and where it should lead? Whoever labels that, they need an adjustment. They need some change, as well.
--I knew I needed to go into the arts when I auditioned for a play in high school. The audition requirement was to perform a monologue, an argument, from one perspective, and then perform a second monologue from the other perspective. I don't remember what my acting was like... but I know that I killed it in the writing department. And the moment I left the stage, I heard the directors whispering, and I just knew I had done something that in my little world was big. Bigger than an A on a test, bigger than having the right haircut, bigger than anything I had found up to that point in my life. I had stumbled upon this adventure of storytelling. Cool moment. One I hold onto when all I can seem to write is 'fuuuuuuuuck writing is hard' because sometimes your favorite things annoy the hell out of you.
--My first kiss was a gay boy. And I think my love life has accurately followed what it means to lose your first lip on lip action to a person that isn't thinking about your breasts as he kisses you. I'm not bitter.
--One time my best friend was so drunk he lost all of his clothes on the beach, including his keys, so he had to climb onto his roof naked to get to an open window. And you bet your ass (well, his pale ass) that I watched the whole thing. It's comedy gold. It's memory gold. And when I'm 70 and my grandkids ask me about college I won't tell them anything about classwork or studying, I'll tell them to remember the times you were so angry at your friends for being so drunk because it's those times, when they are saluting you with their... well... It's those times you'll look back on with pride because you've found people that are completely themselves. And that makes you a much better person.
I don't know where I'm going, and there are parts of where I've been I wish I could change. I just know I'm grateful for so many moments where the grass became greener exactly where I was standing because I worked my ass off. There are times I think I'm failing, and there are times I think I'm the only person in the world that feels this lonely. But the truth is that somewhere someone doesn't have the people I have to pull them out of their hole. So, say a little prayer (or throw a little energy) to that girl or boy. Fighting for yourself is never selfish, but it's the hardest task at hand... I can't begin to explain how choosing to fight, for me, saved my life. Fighting for anything gives you pride, and being proud of yourself is the biggest beacon of light you can find. Plus, you get to look back on a life that may be hard, long, and stressful...but it kicks ass.
Cheers to a better year. Cheers to the people who get drunk and climb their roof, and the people who will judge that story harshly. I enjoy you both. Cheers to loving what you do, and loving it hard. Cheers to time.
Cheers to you. I would be lost without so many of you, I would be lost without your words.
Thank you.
--The other day I took a seven hour nap so I was up all night and it's amazing how quiet the world is when the only thing you feel like doing is dancing in your living room.
--In high school, the worst thing I ever did was skip a day of school when my parents went on vacation. My best friend and I had a week long sleepover, and one day we just didn't go. She called in as my mom, and she also called in as her sister-in-law, and we spent the day in my basement watching movies. It's actually the perfect story of our rebellion, because we were angels back then. Sticking it to the man, one skip day at a time.
--A year ago, to the date, I was in the worst phase of my depression. I kept calling it sadness, I couldn't even say the word. On July 4th, 2012, I was sure there was no other option but sleeping away my days until someone woke me up telling me it was over. What a hard way to live...What a weird day to feel alone. But I made a few calls to really important people, and slowly but surely I started climbing out of a really deep hole. Those phone calls are the reason I did anything about my depression. Make the call. Fight for yourself. The best medicine I've ever been given is time. A year has gone by and I have no idea if I'm out of the hole or not, but I know that I'll never get that deep again. It's the weirdest feeling to look back on a year and know that I was so close to giving up. Now, today, it's not possible. There's too much good in the world, in my world. The good didn't start a year ago, it's always been there. But fog, sadness, depression... whatever that word is, it takes the light away. Now during the bad days that light never goes away... it just gets dim. Part of me wishes it would never dim, but that's life, isn't it? Finding a source of energy, of strength, when you feel your weakest. That's the stuff you write about.
--If I ever make a big paycheck, the first thing I'll do is pay my parents back for every 'I need help' call I've ever had to make. They don't know it, but I keep a journal of every time I've ever asked for money since I've been in college. It's a huge amount, and every time I struggle getting up for work I remember all that they have done to help me and how badly I want to help them back... and I do work. It's sort of lost in my suburban girl attitude that some people have never had this option. I'm so lucky. For now, that's all I can say. I'm lucky and grateful and my cup runneth over.
--Every teacher I've had, every professor, I've asked the same question: What were you're parents like? I don't know why it's my go-to question, I guess I'm fascinated by individual history. My favorite answer: The best. That's all they say. Most of them. Some of them didn't have great relationships, some of them lost a parent or both in childhood, some of them have beautiful stories of how their aunt took them in and became their parent. But my favorite answer is when they smile and take a moment before giving me the simplest answer: They were the best. I can't wait until I'm asked that question years from now. Looking back on who helped shape the person we are, it's such a treat.
--My first days of college feel lightyears away. It's funny how you can't really tell how much you've changed in a few years...but I know I'm quite different. In high school, I was so straight laced and cared so much what others thought about me. You try so hard to fit a model of what others want to see. We all do it. Wear the right brand, say the right slang, be the right person. And now, hell, you try so hard to be your own person, to create your own path. I'm so glad I've changed. I miss my friends, I miss having so much in common with so many people based strictly on knowing them for so many years. But I'm so grateful for the opportunity to really search for who I am. Does everyone get that? I hope so. I think you're forced into it, sooner or later, and you never really feel on track... But maybe that's not our fault. I mean, who says where the track is and where it should lead? Whoever labels that, they need an adjustment. They need some change, as well.
--I knew I needed to go into the arts when I auditioned for a play in high school. The audition requirement was to perform a monologue, an argument, from one perspective, and then perform a second monologue from the other perspective. I don't remember what my acting was like... but I know that I killed it in the writing department. And the moment I left the stage, I heard the directors whispering, and I just knew I had done something that in my little world was big. Bigger than an A on a test, bigger than having the right haircut, bigger than anything I had found up to that point in my life. I had stumbled upon this adventure of storytelling. Cool moment. One I hold onto when all I can seem to write is 'fuuuuuuuuck writing is hard' because sometimes your favorite things annoy the hell out of you.
--My first kiss was a gay boy. And I think my love life has accurately followed what it means to lose your first lip on lip action to a person that isn't thinking about your breasts as he kisses you. I'm not bitter.
--One time my best friend was so drunk he lost all of his clothes on the beach, including his keys, so he had to climb onto his roof naked to get to an open window. And you bet your ass (well, his pale ass) that I watched the whole thing. It's comedy gold. It's memory gold. And when I'm 70 and my grandkids ask me about college I won't tell them anything about classwork or studying, I'll tell them to remember the times you were so angry at your friends for being so drunk because it's those times, when they are saluting you with their... well... It's those times you'll look back on with pride because you've found people that are completely themselves. And that makes you a much better person.
I don't know where I'm going, and there are parts of where I've been I wish I could change. I just know I'm grateful for so many moments where the grass became greener exactly where I was standing because I worked my ass off. There are times I think I'm failing, and there are times I think I'm the only person in the world that feels this lonely. But the truth is that somewhere someone doesn't have the people I have to pull them out of their hole. So, say a little prayer (or throw a little energy) to that girl or boy. Fighting for yourself is never selfish, but it's the hardest task at hand... I can't begin to explain how choosing to fight, for me, saved my life. Fighting for anything gives you pride, and being proud of yourself is the biggest beacon of light you can find. Plus, you get to look back on a life that may be hard, long, and stressful...but it kicks ass.
Cheers to a better year. Cheers to the people who get drunk and climb their roof, and the people who will judge that story harshly. I enjoy you both. Cheers to loving what you do, and loving it hard. Cheers to time.
Cheers to you. I would be lost without so many of you, I would be lost without your words.
Thank you.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Why?:Unknown
I'm feeling so confused tonight. I was out with friends. I was out with my best people. And I come home and start surfing the internet, and see on Facebook that one of my closest friends from high school has a picture of her and her mom up there. I always have loved their family, so I smile when I see the picture. Then that smile fades as I read the caption that says her mom found multiple brain tumors and needs surgery this week.
I'm so confused. This doesn't happen to people you know, mothers that helped you with your homework and drove you countless times to and from basketball practice. This doesn't happen to them. So why her?
I went to mass today and the homily was about showing up everyday for God. And He'll show up for you regardless, but when you show up, you feel love and strength and power and justice. You feel all the things God is supplying. But on days like today, when my friend is asking impossible questions and holding her family so close... how do we show up? How do we be selfless when the only thing I'm praying about is this woman's health and safety and this family's strength?
I want answers, I want to make those tumors disappear, I want to erase the sadness this has placed on this wonderful 22 year old girl. I want that so bad.
Whenever I talk to my dad about his mom, who passed away too young, he always says that you never know how strong you can be until it is your only option. I pray for the strength of three hundred men for my friend. I pray this becomes a mini-moment. A scare. I pray the recovery is fast and they find moments of laughter. I pray that this blog post isn't just lost words and doesn't mean anything.
I'm just so confused. And scared. For my friend, for the family, for the randomness. In a moment your whole perspective changes. And I still don't get that. I don't think I ever will. Life just isn't fair. In a moment, you go from laughing on a porch with your friends to a pit in your stomach and typing a blog because it's 1:30am and everyone else is asleep dreaming about tornadoes or that one guy they didn't realize they thought about too much. How simply we live until a moment in time makes it oh so complicated.
Complicate simplicity. A tumor, in a brain, so simple. But put it in the brain of an amazing woman, mother, and it's so complicated it hurts.
I typically never share names, because, well, it's none of my business at the end of the day. So, if you pray, or send positivity, or send good juju... know that there is a family that will have a really hard week. Know that this family is full of good people, and they could use your prayers/positivity/juju. And know that it makes me sad I wait for moments of fear of the unknown to focus on what really matters... so don't do that. Cool?
I'm so confused. This doesn't happen to people you know, mothers that helped you with your homework and drove you countless times to and from basketball practice. This doesn't happen to them. So why her?
I went to mass today and the homily was about showing up everyday for God. And He'll show up for you regardless, but when you show up, you feel love and strength and power and justice. You feel all the things God is supplying. But on days like today, when my friend is asking impossible questions and holding her family so close... how do we show up? How do we be selfless when the only thing I'm praying about is this woman's health and safety and this family's strength?
I want answers, I want to make those tumors disappear, I want to erase the sadness this has placed on this wonderful 22 year old girl. I want that so bad.
Whenever I talk to my dad about his mom, who passed away too young, he always says that you never know how strong you can be until it is your only option. I pray for the strength of three hundred men for my friend. I pray this becomes a mini-moment. A scare. I pray the recovery is fast and they find moments of laughter. I pray that this blog post isn't just lost words and doesn't mean anything.
I'm just so confused. And scared. For my friend, for the family, for the randomness. In a moment your whole perspective changes. And I still don't get that. I don't think I ever will. Life just isn't fair. In a moment, you go from laughing on a porch with your friends to a pit in your stomach and typing a blog because it's 1:30am and everyone else is asleep dreaming about tornadoes or that one guy they didn't realize they thought about too much. How simply we live until a moment in time makes it oh so complicated.
Complicate simplicity. A tumor, in a brain, so simple. But put it in the brain of an amazing woman, mother, and it's so complicated it hurts.
I typically never share names, because, well, it's none of my business at the end of the day. So, if you pray, or send positivity, or send good juju... know that there is a family that will have a really hard week. Know that this family is full of good people, and they could use your prayers/positivity/juju. And know that it makes me sad I wait for moments of fear of the unknown to focus on what really matters... so don't do that. Cool?
Thursday, June 20, 2013
The Luckiest.
You know those moments where you're sitting in a group of friends, sharing a beer and a cigarette, laughing about how you pissed your pants that one time, and this wash of sheer bliss comes over you? You just sit back...you look at these beautiful people, who mean more than any words on a keyboard can express, and you take a mental picture of what your life is like at 22 years old. I hope I can see that pictures for years to come. It was perfect. And I'm having more and more moments like that these days. Not everyday is good. There are bad days. There are days where I don't feel strong. I don't feel like being MacKenzie... but then I have the good days. The strong days. The days where I can take pictures in my mind to carry with me forever. And those days, those pictures, they erase the weakness and the sadness. Always. I'm so lucky. I feel like it's luck. It's not work being friends with these people. I never once ask myself why I'm friends with them. I just sit back and take my mental Kodaks and revel in the fact that whoever is responsible for me being here is making me feel very full these days. Thanks, You.
I think I'm coming into my own a little bit more. Is that growing up? Gross. I don't care. But I'm sticking up for myself. I'm allowing awkwardness to linger when it's earned. I'm not as much of a pushover as I was. I'm not letting the small, insignificant moments linger and turn into catastrophic meltdowns. I'm not lying to myself and others about who I am and what I bring to the table. I'm being me. It wasn't a conscious effort. It wasn't something I even thought about until today. But I was sitting at a bar with my friends laughing about Ace Ventura, being too loud for stranger's ears, and being completely, absolutely myself. And that's a beautiful moment. We live in a world where we don't get that moment because we're striving to be what the TV, the magazines, the powers that be tell us we need to be. To have that moment, to keep getting that moment over and over again... I mean, forget about happy... I feel empowered and fucking wonderful.
I still eat too many doughnuts, because.. umm, they're doughnuts. I still have a messy room, I still drink too much. I still do all these things that might, maybe, probably could offend someone else. I don't mean to make anyone else uncomfortable, I'm just reveling in the fact that there are people that truly get who I am. The good, the bad, the disgusting. The peeing of pants, the cackle heard round the world, the sleep instead of hang out, the never answering of phone calls, the too many phone calls, all of it. I hope everyone can say that. I hope everyone has that person that makes them feel the luckiest. Cause I feel the luckiest at the hands of many a person tonight. That is magic. That is luck. That is romance. I kind of feel bad for the man that walks into my life and sweeps me off my feet. Because I'm already swept... by these amazing people that are my family.
Isn't it disgusting? Give me a week, I'll be back to writing about sadness. Until then, I'm fucking happy. I swear too much, and I'm poor, and lucky. I'll take it.
If you're reading this, my wonderful friends who put up with my obsession of blogging, you've played a part. And somewhere in my mind there is a picture of us, of you helping me become who I am, and there are not enough thank you's in the milky way to express my gratitude. So, I'll just say cheers. Cheers to helping, to loving, to feeling strong.
Cheers, most importantly, to you.
I think I'm coming into my own a little bit more. Is that growing up? Gross. I don't care. But I'm sticking up for myself. I'm allowing awkwardness to linger when it's earned. I'm not as much of a pushover as I was. I'm not letting the small, insignificant moments linger and turn into catastrophic meltdowns. I'm not lying to myself and others about who I am and what I bring to the table. I'm being me. It wasn't a conscious effort. It wasn't something I even thought about until today. But I was sitting at a bar with my friends laughing about Ace Ventura, being too loud for stranger's ears, and being completely, absolutely myself. And that's a beautiful moment. We live in a world where we don't get that moment because we're striving to be what the TV, the magazines, the powers that be tell us we need to be. To have that moment, to keep getting that moment over and over again... I mean, forget about happy... I feel empowered and fucking wonderful.
I still eat too many doughnuts, because.. umm, they're doughnuts. I still have a messy room, I still drink too much. I still do all these things that might, maybe, probably could offend someone else. I don't mean to make anyone else uncomfortable, I'm just reveling in the fact that there are people that truly get who I am. The good, the bad, the disgusting. The peeing of pants, the cackle heard round the world, the sleep instead of hang out, the never answering of phone calls, the too many phone calls, all of it. I hope everyone can say that. I hope everyone has that person that makes them feel the luckiest. Cause I feel the luckiest at the hands of many a person tonight. That is magic. That is luck. That is romance. I kind of feel bad for the man that walks into my life and sweeps me off my feet. Because I'm already swept... by these amazing people that are my family.
Isn't it disgusting? Give me a week, I'll be back to writing about sadness. Until then, I'm fucking happy. I swear too much, and I'm poor, and lucky. I'll take it.
If you're reading this, my wonderful friends who put up with my obsession of blogging, you've played a part. And somewhere in my mind there is a picture of us, of you helping me become who I am, and there are not enough thank you's in the milky way to express my gratitude. So, I'll just say cheers. Cheers to helping, to loving, to feeling strong.
Cheers, most importantly, to you.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Suns Gonna Rise
I haven't written in a long while about life because, well, life has gone by pretty fast these past few weeks. The weather is dull, the work is steady, the laundry is even getting done. It's all good. All was well. But, I'm wondering, after waking up from a nap and seeing sunshine for the first time in days... Is there ever a point where it can become too well? Where this schedule of waking up, work, walk home, eat Ramen noodles, nap, clean, hang out with my people, sleep... I mean, it's a full day... and will this schedule ever not be enough? I'm already feeling like I need a second job, already feeling like I need to make so much money this summer it's ridiculous, already feeling like this summer isn't going to be the summer I wanted it to be. I wanted beach days and drinks with too much ice in them and sunshine that leaves it's mark on my skin. But... nothing is really wrong. You know? I'm making it work. I think. So, in this time of life-is-great-but-the-weather-isnt-and-sometimes-that-confuses-me I need to keep checking in with what's working, what's going well, what's getting me through the days. Well, here's what I know:
--I celebrated my birthday with my closest friends here in Duluth. I had the best damn day. Last year I adventured to California and spent the day pretending the real world didn't exist. It was amazing. And this year, I worked a double and then had what I call a 'Wizard Party'... and it was amazing! Nothing spectacular. But I was surrounded by my people and we laughed and we adventured and we drank cheep beer and I felt loved. I felt strong.
--I love Ramen noodles more than anyone on this planet. I'm not sure if there is a competition or if anyone actually admits to liking them... but I will own up to that shit. They are amazing.
--I recently told myself I was going to try to quit swearing, and it is not going well. I just wanted to post this so my mother, my grandmother, and my old dog Mister all know I'm aware of the situation....
--The weather is such a factor of my mood. Ususally. But you know, even with the cold and the rain... I'm still having really good days. I haven't figured out why yet, which is half the fun. I haven't figured out why this mundane schedule is working, and why the weather isn't bringing me down like it usually does. Whatever I'm doing, whatever is working... I would like that to stick around for a long, long time.
--I think I'm almost done with my play. Like, actually almost done this time. I always say it's done and then I'll fall asleep at night and think of a new ending or a plot point that makes more sense and then another two months go by.... But this time, I think it's getting there. Which is a neat little feeling to carry around with me.
--I currently live in a basement, and nothing is creepier than waking up from a nap at 3:00pm thinking it's 2:00am because you don't have windows and going up your stairs to a white light at the bottom of the door. That is not a good time. But laughing as I walk back down the stairs is the pay off.
--My mom sent me a birthday card with a Harry Potter quote on it. You know, cause she's the world's greatest woman.
--Because of my move, I had to say goodbye to my bookshelf, which was my pride and joy. So now my books are in a suitcase, which weighs more than my house. I did the math. My goal for the summer is to read through my suitbookcase. I don't know how many books are in there, probably over a hundred. So, I should probably stop typing and start readying, eh?
--I'm planning a roadtrip with my friends, and the details are slim to none... but getting in that car in August will be the best pay off to this summer. I can't wait.
--You know how everyone thinks that their taste in music is the music all people should listen too? Well, here's a new band (idk if they're new, but the music is new to my ears) and I'm going to share them with you.
--I'm actually doing my laundry. I may have already expressed this, but I think it needs to be said more than once because it is a moment for the record books is the maturing of MacKenzie Jo.
--Even if I can't budget money, even if I can't seem to find the time to do my dishes, even if I don't shower for two frackin' weeks (this has never happened, I swear on Free Willy) I still have people that support me and love me and listen. And that is something I've said before, I'll say again, and I'll repeat to myself when self-doubt creeps it's way in.
I'm feeling really strong lately, and I have many a people to thank for it. I have myself to thank for it, as well...which is something I'm learning to do. Taking time to acknowledge that the road is long and full of trees that have fallen over and people that drive too slow... but you just keep on driving. Or biking, if you're like me and the thought of owning a car makes you cry it's so expensive.
It's funny, I look back at my last really bad, no good day and I remember saying to myself... In a mile you'll be feeling fine. It's a lyric from one of my favorite songs. And I believe that's true for a lot of areas in my life. In a mile, in a moment, in a breath, I'll be fine. And after I feel fine, I tend to feel good, and then great, and then strong. So... sunshine, laundry, bank account, anxiety... in a mile. Just give it a mile.
Cheers to feeling strong. Cheers to rain making you so damn grateful for humidity, and sweat, and air conditioning...once we finally reach that point. And cheers to being lifted up by the people around you, even if it's from a smile you share or a laugh at a memory.
Cheers to you.
--I celebrated my birthday with my closest friends here in Duluth. I had the best damn day. Last year I adventured to California and spent the day pretending the real world didn't exist. It was amazing. And this year, I worked a double and then had what I call a 'Wizard Party'... and it was amazing! Nothing spectacular. But I was surrounded by my people and we laughed and we adventured and we drank cheep beer and I felt loved. I felt strong.
--I love Ramen noodles more than anyone on this planet. I'm not sure if there is a competition or if anyone actually admits to liking them... but I will own up to that shit. They are amazing.
--I recently told myself I was going to try to quit swearing, and it is not going well. I just wanted to post this so my mother, my grandmother, and my old dog Mister all know I'm aware of the situation....
--The weather is such a factor of my mood. Ususally. But you know, even with the cold and the rain... I'm still having really good days. I haven't figured out why yet, which is half the fun. I haven't figured out why this mundane schedule is working, and why the weather isn't bringing me down like it usually does. Whatever I'm doing, whatever is working... I would like that to stick around for a long, long time.
--I think I'm almost done with my play. Like, actually almost done this time. I always say it's done and then I'll fall asleep at night and think of a new ending or a plot point that makes more sense and then another two months go by.... But this time, I think it's getting there. Which is a neat little feeling to carry around with me.
--I currently live in a basement, and nothing is creepier than waking up from a nap at 3:00pm thinking it's 2:00am because you don't have windows and going up your stairs to a white light at the bottom of the door. That is not a good time. But laughing as I walk back down the stairs is the pay off.
--My mom sent me a birthday card with a Harry Potter quote on it. You know, cause she's the world's greatest woman.
--Because of my move, I had to say goodbye to my bookshelf, which was my pride and joy. So now my books are in a suitcase, which weighs more than my house. I did the math. My goal for the summer is to read through my suitbookcase. I don't know how many books are in there, probably over a hundred. So, I should probably stop typing and start readying, eh?
--I'm planning a roadtrip with my friends, and the details are slim to none... but getting in that car in August will be the best pay off to this summer. I can't wait.
--You know how everyone thinks that their taste in music is the music all people should listen too? Well, here's a new band (idk if they're new, but the music is new to my ears) and I'm going to share them with you.
--I'm actually doing my laundry. I may have already expressed this, but I think it needs to be said more than once because it is a moment for the record books is the maturing of MacKenzie Jo.
--Even if I can't budget money, even if I can't seem to find the time to do my dishes, even if I don't shower for two frackin' weeks (this has never happened, I swear on Free Willy) I still have people that support me and love me and listen. And that is something I've said before, I'll say again, and I'll repeat to myself when self-doubt creeps it's way in.
I'm feeling really strong lately, and I have many a people to thank for it. I have myself to thank for it, as well...which is something I'm learning to do. Taking time to acknowledge that the road is long and full of trees that have fallen over and people that drive too slow... but you just keep on driving. Or biking, if you're like me and the thought of owning a car makes you cry it's so expensive.
It's funny, I look back at my last really bad, no good day and I remember saying to myself... In a mile you'll be feeling fine. It's a lyric from one of my favorite songs. And I believe that's true for a lot of areas in my life. In a mile, in a moment, in a breath, I'll be fine. And after I feel fine, I tend to feel good, and then great, and then strong. So... sunshine, laundry, bank account, anxiety... in a mile. Just give it a mile.
Cheers to feeling strong. Cheers to rain making you so damn grateful for humidity, and sweat, and air conditioning...once we finally reach that point. And cheers to being lifted up by the people around you, even if it's from a smile you share or a laugh at a memory.
Cheers to you.
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