Learning to Fly.

We must be our own before we can be anothers.

Why is growing up so hard? When you're in it, it just feels like this constant game of pulleys and weights moving you from moments of success to moments of sadness. Does that go away? Does the fight to find your footing end? The scariest part for me is that I do believe, fully, that you have to grow up on your own. Growing up is the loneliest feeling on the planet, that I've found, because it's a completely independent adventure. It can be amazing, it can be so rewarding, but it is without fail the loneliest.

If we must be our own before we can be anothers....how will we know when the time is right? The answer I always get is you'll never know, which makes me feel better in the sense that everyone else is just as confused as I am. I see people throw themselves into relationships and completely change who they are, I see people lose themselves over and over as they try to perfect the image they think they're required to become. I never want to do that... but more and more I wonder if that's the price you pay. To share a life with someone you have to bend into what they want/need. So how do you stay your own self while you become anothers?? (Am I speaking English? I'm confusing myself...)

There are moments throughout this summer that I see that I changed my image, posture, vernacular -- my true self-- based on who was in the room. At the time you never notice, you're just telling yourself 'stay cool' and fiddling with your hair too much. It's on the walk (or stumble... whomp whomp) home that you replay conversations and self doubt starts creeping it's way in. I don't change on purpose, I don't think anyone does, but it's shocking how often it happens. It's this subconscious feeling of needing to show people I'm worthy of their time, love, laughter. To be honest, I think who I am at my very core is a better, funnier, kinder version that who I subconsciously present. I don't know why my mind tells me that girl isn't good enough.

I was talking to a friend about this recently, about how we all put up walls. This guy is handsome, talented, funny, I consider him to be a great friend... and yet I maybe know three facts about him. And he may know four about me. He's this great guy with this incredible wall, and a few nights ago we sat over a beer and talked about it. After the conversation, we started laughing at how nobody ever brings it up. We all have these barriers, and often times you can see other people's before you can see your own... and yet we remain voiceless about them. I think after our conversation I realized how easy it is to talk about it. It's not going to fix it, I didn't break down his wall... But there's a camaraderie in saying, hey... I see it, it's there, it's not wrong, cheers. Maybe that's what people need. In order to truly find yourself you need to surround yourself with people who not only see your walls, but identify with them.

My hope for this last year of college is to be brave. To make bold choices, to identify the qualities in myself that are worthy of praise... and to identify the qualities in myself that are worthy of humility. To change what I want to change and do it with patience/acceptance. To not lose who I am and what I believe based on my crush of the week. My biggest hope is to stay true to what I want, from myself and others, and to own when I am right and admit when I'm wrong. If I put up walls, recognize them. Or find people that will do it for free.

I want to be my own whole self. It's a process, it's a battle, it's a beautiful ride.

Cheers to you.