Embracing Ownership

I'm finding my way into December and realizing that it's been a long fall. As winter approaches, so do some scary decisions I need to make in terms of school, life, location, and moving forward. It's just hard, guys. It's just hard. And when it's just hard, I feel like a putz. Like days turn into weeks and I still haven't done x,y, and z and therefore I should just throw in the towel. I make no mark of the things I do accomplish. I make no mark of the steps forward I'm making, I only look back and see the time where I colored outside the lines or decided not to color at all.

I'm comparing myself to others a lot. I was at dinner the other day and a good friend mentioned, 'I don't know how (insert best friends name here) does it. I mean, if (best friend) can do it, we can.' And I thought, what the fuck.... why can't I do this? This best friend has overcome a lot. And because I'm not BFF, I'm like... you FUCKING rock, BFF. But, if you were to ask BFF, and I have, it's not like every day is a picnic and a walk by Lady Superior. I talked about this about a week ago with BFF, and she (i'm sick of saying BFF, okay...) said that I can't compare it. It's a kind of grief that only she knows. And it's so true.

So, maybe this fall I'm going through my own kind of grief. I don't like calling it that. I'm going through my own kind of hard. My own. When I step back and realize that it's my story, my journey, my path... I can kind of calm down. I can begin to look at the big picture and see that at 22 years old, I can change. I can turn life upside down seventy different ways if I want to. I have the ability and the opportunity to do whatever I want, in a sense. If it takes me twice as long as the rest of the 22 year olds on the planet, I have no doubt they'll be waiting at the finish line to cheer me on. I have really good people in my life, that only want the best for me... that daily reminder makes things feel a lot like calm. Even if just for a minute.

I truly have no idea what the next year of my life looks like. I'm terrified. But, there's so much good that can come from time. My mom gave me an amazing piece of advice this summer. I asked what she does during a bad day... how can you get through it and move on? And she said you tell yourself there's time. It's one more hour until you get to sleep. It's one more shift at work until a day off. It's one more wake up until you see someone you really want to see. There's always time. Time can be a really good friend, if you let it guide you through the bad.

So, I'll hold onto time as I navigate through the bad days in search for the good. There truly is good in every day... Why is that so easy to let go of? Maybe I'll start writing down the good from each day. Get back to what this blog is about... feeling strong. If I'm only writing about the bad, it's all I remember. If I'm only writing about the good... I'm forgetting the whole point of this blog and what it means to me. This period of 'what now?' will fade. This too shall pass. Life is a beautiful ride, and it's just about time I took back the reigns.

'Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous on giving up on love and belonging and joy-- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to experience darkness will we discover the infinite power of light.' 
--Brene Brown 

Cheers.