You know when you have a cold you get this feeling that you'll never-ever not have a cold? You forget what it's like to be healthy. You think, 'Well, I'll never go to the gym again because running while not-breathing is impossible.' (Just me?) You tell yourself if you get back to full health you'll never allow yourself to get this sick again. You'll wear three winter coats if that's what if takes. You'll buy Airborne and drink all the orange juice on this planet.
That's kind of like happiness. You forget that there was a time where you were really happy. On the bad days, you forget that there's a goal. You forget that there's a reason to get up and stay up. You forget that it's a ride, with the hills and the valleys. With the flat tires. With the roll overs. It's a ride.
That's autumn for me. This autumn at least. I haven't really made goals. I haven't made plans. I don't feel like I'm really living, I feel like I'm existing. Which, I mean, at the end of the day... that's something. That's better than not existing. A few months ago I was in a place where I said, 'I'm kicking depression's ass' and then it was all like 'You think, huh?'.... and now I'm here. We've both gone down swinging and I think it's time we call it a draw.
I think it's time I make some plans. And have no expectations. Have no judgements. Just accomplish these goals I have in my head and give myself time to do it. Breathe. You know? I met with a woman today who knows nothing about me... knows very little about why I'm a horrible student and why I litchrally hate talking about myself. And she took one look at me and told me to breathe. And to take time to figure out why I'm where I'm at. And it was such a... a moment. This woman gets a dozen kids a week telling her they are failing this and failing that and this is why and here's this excuse... I mean, I would be so tired of it. But as I was leaving her office, she smiled at me and she said 'I'm here to help you. I get to help you.' Two sentences that stopped me from going into a bathroom and crying. I walked out with my head held high, knowing that I'm currently fixing this big ol' flat tire... but I'm gonna be back on the road soon. I'm so thankful to that woman. I'm so thankful.
I have no idea where this journey will take me. Where I will take myself... I just know that I have people in my life that understand. I have people that don't. And I need them both. I get to continue my journey towards happiness. I get to try my hardest to pass these classes and want for more. I get to right the wrongs. As I go into another rehearsal tonight, I feel full. It might be the warm coffee I just chugged... But I feel like I have this energy. It's going to be such a long journey. And I'm so very scared. But this too shall pass. And when it does, I will continue on my way... not taking one goddamn look in the rearview mirror.
Cheers to the moments of happiness. Cheers to the moments of sadness. We need them both. Cheers to the journey...
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