TGIF

Fall has been hard. And that's all I know how to write. I'm at a position where I can turn it around, I can make things better... I just don't know if I have the energy. The first snowfall is here and I just want to sleep through it.

Time, once again, for a change. This too shall pass, it always does, but I wish the pain would let up. I think that's my realization of the week... which was particularly hard. I was having dinner with a friend and he said, 'We just have to work through the pain.'

We. Everyone. Everyone's in their own version of pain. No one's pain is superior to another's. People may be going through harder times, lord knows I look to my best friends and their situations and find so much strength in how they continue on... but that doesn't mean other people's pain isn't there. If I can own this pain, if I can say it's a shitty week... maybe it can pass.

I'm struggling in school. I'm struggling with finding a job. I'm struggling in stupid decision making. I'm struggling in not forming an addiction to cigarettes, which feel so goddamn good during a bad, cold week. I'm struggling in fighting the urge to eat all the chocolate made on this big ol' planet. I'm struggling. And it's very painful. Because while I'm surrounded by I love yous and you can do it's... I feel alone. That whole 'growing up is lonely because it's an independent act' thing is wearing on me.

I don't know what it will take to turn this around, I just know I'm ready for a change. I need to be ready to do the work... Maybe not even ready. I just need to, as my dad says, 'Get some fucking gumption.'

Cheers to gumption... where the fuck you at? Come find me, let's boogie.