Today is a Monday. When you look up Monday in the dictionary, you'll see a day that is not fair, full of clouds, stains on your new jacket...and moments of fear. Cold, hard fear.
I'm not the picture perfect Christian. If you asked me if I pray, I would probably lie and say every nights when I kneel down like they show in the movies. If I had enough guts, I would tell the truth that it seems to be only when I really want something... or when I feel that the world is too scary for me to breathe. The honest truth, is when I have enough time I write in my journal what I want out of life. Things like: Write a movie worth making, fall in love with a man who sports a beard. Some days I get sentimental and write that I hope I recognize when good is around me, and I hope I recognize how to get rid of the bad. That's my form of prayer. Today, when I looked at my Facebook in class, because Singin' in the Rain decided Donald O'Connor was too good to be in every scene, I saw a post about Boston. I immediately googled the city, and found a picture of pavement coated in blood.
And I prayed. I prayed that these people have the option of erasing their memory, I prayed that the women and men that held someone's hand as they sat in pain had enough strength to smile. I prayed that no children were present.
I prayed for things I know may not be possible. And I wish they were. I wish with all my might. I pray.
This summer I bought tickets to the final Batman movie weeks ahead of time. I was going with my best friends, and we couldn't wait. We even bought $13 dollar drinks at the theatre (which you can do now?) we knew it was going to be a magical evening. And it was. What a movie, what a night with my best friends. The next morning, I woke up to the news that a man had blasted through the doors of a movie theatre and opened fire. And I prayed.
In the fall, I watched one of my very favorite people mourn the loss of her father. He was 'lost' at the hands of another man with a gun. It's easily one of my hardest days of college. To come to school having just talked to her, to go about my day as if life is filled with unexpected moments and isn't it crazy and all the bullshit they say....
And then, in December, I got a phone call from one of my best friends crying because something happened in Connecticut. Children had died. And that's when the world started talking. We said it was enough, it was time that people take notice of mental illness, of gun control. And that night, I truly did kneel at the edge of bed. I weeped, and I prayed.
We've gone through the past few months with clouds in the sky and snow falling all around us. We're nearing the end of the never ending winter, hoping desperately for sunlight and warmer days. And then today. Someone woke up today knowing they were planting a bomb. Someone else woke up today knowing they were gonna watch the Boston Marathon and have a cocktail.
How lives can be so different...
I don't know what to say about today. I'm very sad. I'm sad that this year has shown how you can try your fucking hardest to give out good and someone else will try and erase that will evil. I'm sad that there are people who now have another funeral to attend. I'm sad that there are phone calls from all over the country from worried friends, parents, and loved ones.
This isn't the world I want to grow up in. These aren't the days I want to remember. I want to remember the summer days, the movie premiers, the holiday season with children laughing. But I'm stuck today not knowing how to sink into the negativity, and the heartbreak of evil.
Maybe the answer is prayer. Whatever your version is. I don't believe a single person today didn't say to themselves 'Thankfully there were people to help' or 'I hope this ends' or 'We need to do celebrate the good in this tragedy.' That's your prayer. It may not be to God, it may not be to anyone but yourself, but I hope every person is realizing that they had some form of hope today. They are holding on to the good that surrounds them. Hope in kindness of others, hope in healing, hope in tomorrow... Maybe the answer is holding on tight to the people that rock my world, and recognizing that everyone needs someone. On days like today, you need your people. I hope I find some clarity of it all soon. Because today I'm quite lost, and I'm kneeling at the edge of my bed.
Cheers to the people who didn't blink when those bombs went off and immediately started helping. Cheers to the runners who ran past the finish line to the hospitals to donate their blood and their time. Cheers to people who fight everyday for kindness. Cheers to holding on to that special person.
On this Monday, full of questions, cheers to you.
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