All The Letting Go: Part II

So. Life has happened these past few weeks, friends. LIFE.

A month or so ago I wrote a blog about forgiveness and letting go of the hurt I felt from my biological father leaving... and, because this is the interweb and I post my blog of different pages sometimes... he saw the blog. And now, after thirteen years of not talking to Kent... we're talking. A week ago he contacted me.

It's bizarre. It's truly strange. I've been trying to write a blog about this all week, and I haven't had the words yet because I'm kind of freaking out yet comfortable with it yet I want to run away... I'm everywhere.

It's amazing to me that when I started this blog, I did so because I wanted to document the times when I felt so strong I could take over North Korea and their bullshit... and I wanted to document the times where I felt so weak I couldn't move. I never thought that this blog would lead to me talking to the man that left twenty years and eight months ago...How did that happen?!  Today, after a week of talking to the man I used to loathe... I feel strong.

He asked me in one of his emails what effect his absence had in my life. And my immediate reaction was, are you serious? How can I answer that question??? What effect?! Umm, a whole lotta effect, bro. But I gave myself a few days and I realize that he can't have any idea... just like I have no idea what effect Alcoholics Anonymous had on him. I didn't go through it. I didn't live it. I didn't experience the hell.

So, today, at 4:30am when I'm supposed to be getting ready for work (which should be illegal it's so early for this night owl) I can say that I'm so grateful he contacted me. I'm so grateful I've been emailing him, and that I can ask any question I have. I think this experience will do nothing but help me. I still don't know where I want it to go, if I ever want to meet him in person. But I do know that I've had twenty years of asking myself questions I cannot answer... and this week that stopped. I'm asking the questions, they're being answered, and I try and find some sort of resolve.

And it started with this blog. It started by me writing that we all deserve the chance to forgive someone who has done wrong. When I first saw he contacted me, I thought... no way. Not him, not after all this time. But I had to put my money where my mouth was, so to speak. I can't say that I'm all forgiving and we all need to give out good and then just run from it the second it correlates to my life. I'm glad I didn't run.

The best part about this week, for me... is my family. I had Easter breakfast with my mother, and I was so nervous about the Kent situation. I was nervous to tell her that I was going to talk to him and try and figure out where he could fit in my life. Her response? Her beautiful, Teri D, perfect response? 'Good, it's time to fucking let go and move on.' She's the best. And she will be the first to say that we (my brother Jordan and me) need to know who Kent is, and we need to know his journey.

Just as wonderful as my mother, is my dad. Bruce Paul. I was getting nervous a few days ago that this wasn't the right decision, and that I was getting myself into another situation to be let down... and I called my dad and he completely calmed me down. He told me that it's an education, it's a chance to tell the man himself how much he affected me, and it's an opportunity to close the door if need be. Whatever was best for me. I love him. I never want to make him feel insulted by seeking out answers from the person that left... because Bruce is the man that walked in, didn't have a choice, and is stuck with me forever. Lucky bastard.

I've had a lot of questions answered this week. I've been able to be more honest than I could have hoped with Kent. I don't think I'll ever fully be over what has happened in the past. But, as I said to him in my last email, we're all on the road searching for happiness. Some people find in a partner, some find it in their work, and some people find it by getting their hands dirty and washing away the past. That's who I am. I find happiness by dealing with the messy, crazy life I live and trying my best to live a good life.

One of my very favorite quotes is 'Life is about the loving, the knowing, and all the letting go.' I've made it my mantra ever since high school. And if perfectly fits my 21st year of life. Life is about loving the people in my life, my beautiful parents who support me, my friends who answer my phone calls and 3:30 in the morning when I can't decide what to wear tomorrow, and the people who come in and out of my life and teach me lessons. Life is about the knowing... knowing when you're wrong, knowing when you're right. Knowing when it's time to put on your big girl pants. And life, most importantly for me this past week, is about all the letting go. Letting go of the hurt, letting go of the anger, letting go of the image you've had of a person from so long ago.

Today, I cheers to Kent's sobriety (which is kind of an oximoron, I dig it) . I cheers to my family, my cup runneth over. I cheers this blog, which continues to be my mother loving sanctuary. And I cheers to realizations. Realizations that life... just, happens... people grow, and every single person has the ability to change. Cheers to change.