Time To Work

You know those days where the choices you've made in life completely run your ass over. Today is that day. And I'm trying to keep my head up and not get discouraged...but every class I've ever skipped, every time I've ever given up on something, it's all leading to me feeling like I can't do this. I can't beat depression. I can't maintain this happiness I've found.

A professor pulled me into her office today and told me that they may block my privileges to work on productions next year based on my grades. Which, have improved... but apparently not enough. And in the grand scheme of things, this does not matter. Life is more to me that a production in college when I'm 21 years old. But shit that would be embarrassing. And this professor talked down to me, and made me feel not only exposed, but guilty. And I've never once had a person (except for myself) make me feel guilty for my depression. I cannot help but be sad about today.

I thought I was doing so well, and I don't know if this professor talking to me is a wake up call that I'm not fooling anyone, or if she's full of it. She also mentioned that they entire faculty had been talking about me. If you know me, at all, I don't want to be talked about. Let me be the silent force that is not mentioned, ever. The silver lining is that I don't know what was said... which means I'll tell myself it was negative, but I also know I will never know that answer.

I just want to get out of here. I don't want to be the problem child. I don't want to pity myself. I don't want to be here, in Duluth, at school. I want to be done.

If I give up now, I'll remain where I am. If I continue and work hard and call my mom and have her tell me to get the fuck over it and wake up everyday with a fresh start I'll be okay. I'll remain on this path that will lead to amazing things like New York and writing and becoming Tina Fey/Meryl Streep/Shirley McLaine/Ellen Degeneres and I just need to keep my eyes on the prize.

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I just talked with one of my favorite friends about everything, and I'm feeling much better. She calmed me down, talked it out, and while yes, it's been a shitty morning... It will not be a bad day. I'm going to Barnes & Noble, my Narnia. I'm going to take a nap. And I'm going to take this weekend to plan ahead and figure out a plan. I have the ability. I have the strength. I don't feel strong today, but the fact that I don't feel strong at the hands of another person means it's time for change. Within myself. Prove them wrong. What kind of gum? Fuck em. (Favorite Joke!) I can do this. I will do this. And if I stumble, I will get back up and keep walking, whilst allowing myself ten minutes of complaining/crying/swearing to get over it.

I'm over it. This is what you call a look into a bipolar blog post.... I'm much better than I was before talking things out. My feelings are hurt by the words my professor used, and the way she decided to handle the situation... but if I could control that lady I would win a Nobel Peace Prize. Nobody can control what comes out of her mouth... but I can control what I do now.

How people treat you is their karma; How you react is yours.

Let's do this.