This past week dragged on and on and on and on and felt like it would never come to an end. My to-do lists actually made me cry this week. Which says more about my emotions that the things I need to accomplish. It was simply one of those weeks where you don't see the end anywhere in sight and you get so tired you end up sitting on the ground making no progress what so ever. Until you surround yourself with the right pair of ears that listen to you cry and listen to your saddness and fear and self-pity, give you a moment, and then help you make a plan. Those are the best people in my life, the ones that help me own my sadness/frustration/anger and also help me move on from it.
I've found out this week that there is a huge difference in the fear that other people will be disappointed in you and being disappointed in yourself. You know how when you were eleven and you broke that vase and instead of fessing up to your mistake you hid the shards of class in the cupboard because NO ONE goes in the cupboard?!?! And then your mom finds the shards of stupidity and she doesn't say she's angry, it's not about the vase... she's disappointed in you. Oh! The worst! Well, I have that same feeling with myself as of late. I do this thing where I can't ask for help until the very moment where it may just be too late and then I'm crying to my professor and he's awkwardly searching for tissues and it's bad. It's a bad game. And the truth is no one is angry, no one is going to take what I have or haven't (homework is hard) done and judge me...The truth is I disappoint myself sometimes. Is that okay? I don't know. In five years crying over a messy room and my laziness to do nothing about it is going to make me want to vomit it's so stupid. Being upset because I litchrally don't know how to budget money, ever, is a ridiculous thing. I hear it's a part of maturing and getting older and responsibility....but right now it's stressful and makes me sad that I haven't figured it out. I think that's why I get so disappointed in myself, I feel that even though I haven't gone through certain experiences in life, I should have it figured out. And that's bananas....
I will say the one silver lining I held onto through my hard week was the people I'm around. Not just my friends, who are the ultimate, but everyone. From my professors to administrators to neighbors to students I barely know. I got lucky with Duluth, and with my community. Through a hard week I got to laugh and joke and be completely myself around the people that make me feel my best. I'm very grateful for that. I don't know any other version of myself than the one I put out there for others to see, and I've never once been told I should do otherwise. I hope you haven't, either. Being allowed, encouraged even, to be exactly who I am on my good/bad/messy/crazy days has helped me understand who I want to become and where I want to go. So, cheers to my community, to my friends and colleagues, and to my peers... I may be hard on myself and lose track of what's really important, but I always come back to these people in this city, which never lets me down.
Cheers to you, enjoy your weekend and the sunshine!
From Perks of Being A Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky, which I'm convinced is the sole reason I got through high school:
'So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we want to go from there. We can still choose to do things, and we can try and feel okay about them.'
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