All The Letting Go

I am currently in the middle of a busy week, and I barely have time to eat let alone settle down and think through my days. Part of the 'busy' is being in tech week for the next show at my university, How I Learned To Drive. I sat and watched the first dress performance and after a few days of running around checking things off my to-do list, I was able to sit for an hour and a half and watch a performance. It was amazing. For some reason, I have never been able to watch the show as I did tonight, completely invested. If you were to ask my director, he may say it could have been better. If you were to ask the actors, they may say they didn't have it tonight (whatever 'it' is for them), but that's my favorite thing about working in theatre. It can be an off night, an actor can get off track in a scene and it still works. That happened tonight...

There is a character in the show that struggles, harshly, with inner demons. Alcoholism is one of the 'isms' he battles. In my life, alcoholism has played some dirty cards. At a point in the performance, the man is breaking down..reaching his limit, and when asked if he is okay, he stands up-dusts himself off- says he's 'fine' and that after years of sobriety 'he could use a real drink.' Now, tonight, the actor playing this man got off beat, and the struggle for him to find his words were so honest... I couldn't breathe because I was with him every step. I wasn't with the actor. I didn't even know he wasn't following the script word for word. I was with the character. Especially when he breaks and says he could use that drink...

I think it was the first time I really heard that line. And it hit me hard. I thought about my dad. Not Bruce Paul, the man everyone knows as my dad... But Kent. My biological father. My heart broke thinking about him and the times where he was fighting this demon and broke down and lost. From the stories I've heard about who he was, he lost that fight a lot. I remember times where I would curse his name and blame him for all the bad in my life. I remember times where I would cry so hard I got sick because I was so angry at him. I remember days where I realized I hadn't thought about him in weeks. Like tonight. I haven't thought about Kent in weeks. Months.

At twenty one, I've lived twenty years and eight months without Kent as my parent. I would ask my mom why other kids has dads and where mine was. After endless questions, I met him. When I was seven, living in a new town with a new dad that didn't understand me, I walked up the bleachers at my brother's football game... and there he was. I was shocked that I could resemble someone so foreign to me. How I talk, walk, laugh... it's all him. Getting to know him was an education. It was comfortable, easy. It was fun. But then his demons came calling, and he left. Again. I cursed his name and vowed to never let him back in my life no matter how hard he tried. That was thirteen years ago. 

That's why this scene helped me tonight. It helped me remember how amazing the act of forgiveness is. There is a lot of life between me and Kent. Lightyears of distance, measured by pain and sadness, confusion and loss. But there has never been a part of me that hasn't been able to forgive him. Growing up knowing someone left is hard, but he is on his own journey. I pray he maintains the sobriety I've heard he has. I pray that when his head hits the pillow at night, he feels good about the day he's had. And I hope that he knows he has two kids that are doing just fine. Better. They're making it. 

Forgiveness is such a journey. When the wound reopens and that pain floods back into my life, I forget the payoff. Being able to forgive a man who did so much wrong, makes it right. Because, just like the lead character says in the play... I was lucky. For the time that I did know Kent, I found out so much about who I am and where I come from. From the time that Kent left for good I've always had a father figure. Bruce and I butted heads and fought our battles, but he is the man that raised me. While there is pain from Kent leaving, there is gratitude for Bruce staying. My dad. My friend. Pops. 

It's amazing how things in life play themselves out, and people who you expect to be there forever are gone too soon. When they leave, you cannot fathom a world without them. And suddenly, there it is. The demons of life have come and swept them away. By forgiving them, you've allowed them to continue on their path. Dusting themselves off and nursing their wounds, taking each day one small step at a time. I believe that forgiving Kent, whether he knows it or not, has allowed me to feel at peace with our past. And when the wound reopens, when I'm reminded of his demons -like tonight- I get the opportunity to remember why it is that forgiveness is so good. Forgiveness kills all demons. It makes things right. It takes time, patience, and a lot of tears.... But it catapults you towards happiness, which is something we all deserve. 

So, cheers to my dads. Bruce, my main man, who has to deal with my ability to make a joke out of anything on a daily basis..And to Kent, who has helped shaped who I am more than he will ever know.  Wherever you are, whatever you're doing...be well. Cheers to this fantastic show with a brilliant cast and crew. Cheers to the loving, the knowing, and all the letting go.