Never Be Daunted

Sometimes I get down on myself because I think I'm just a big 'want' machine where all I do is think/say/shout the things that I want in life without taking a moment to feel grateful for what I already have.

So let me say before I type anything else that I am extremely grateful for the people in my life that listen and hear me when I say that I need help. They hold me when I cry and cry when I snort because we're laughing too hard and they are amazing. From my parents to my friends to my faculty at school to my classmates. They are wonderful. I am thankful for the opportunities I've been given to get where I am today. A college student. That's amazing.

But, with that said, and with my judgement of myself strong and harsh... Tonight I'm gonna indulge in my selfishness for a bit. I just need to write it down. I'm having a weird week. Not a bad one, not necessarily a good one. I'm having one of those nights where you can't sleep because you're brain is thinking about so many things... and tonight it's about all the things I want in life. So I just gotta get it out, yeah? Gotta feel stronger.

I want to know that my place in this world matters. Not just people will miss me when I'm gone, but I want to own something so grand, to create something worth viewing so that it exists after I leave.

I want to learn how to play an instrument so on nights like tonight when I can't sleep I can lay in bed strumming the ukelele or plunking out chords.

I want to travel and meet a guy in a bar that has seven kids and thirteen grandkids and he tells me a unique fact about each of them, and just when I think this man with laugh lines deeper than a canyon can't be any more perfect his second bride walks in and tells me of her first life, the one before him, and how he was a blessing and I can tell them about all my second chances in life. I want to meet the people across the world that could change my life with conversation.

I want to never have to worry about money. I want that for everyone.

I want to fall in love so deeply that I can spend an entire day with a person and not have to say a word. I want that love to make me feel empowered, and to wash away any doubts I have within myself. I want our conversations to be simple, personal, ones that to an outside viewer would be boring, but to us we cherish because we know it means we are content with where life has taken us.

I want to be better at things I've never even tried.

I want to feel like my tears aren't a joke. I want to get over things easier. I want to remind myself every time someone's an asshole that there is another person out there that is good, and worthy of my time.

I want to feel free. I feel stuck lately. I like this city, I like the people I see in my everyday. I love these people. But I feel stuck. Like in music videos when the person is in the middle of the screen and everyone else is speeding past them at the speed of light and it's all a big blur. I kinda feel like that at times. This week. Today. And how do you convince yourself that everyone else is moving at the same pace? That you're not like that music video? I don't know yet. I guess my answer today is you put one fucking foot in front of the other... and it gets easier with every step.

I want to write something honest, that makes people view the world a little differently. I have all these goals with my writing and I want so badly to focus on them and focus everyday to writing but it's... really hard. It's so worth it and it's so hard and then it's worth it all over again.

I want to graduate fucking college. And to not swear so much. Or at all, maybe.

I want to solidify my faith.

I want to kick depression's ass. (swear word)

I want to enjoy my own company. You know that quote: only boring people are bored. Well, that quote is shit. (swear word) Seriously. Stupid fucking (swear word) quote. Don't call me bored, Insert Who Said That Quote Here, when you've never had a seven month winter and a class called Oceanography in your schedule. Kay? But my point (is there one? life) is that I want to fill my time better. Really enjoy the things around me. The simple moments. The alone time. The solitude of thinking for myself and being my own person.

I want to understand that I'm simply not alone. Never quite been able to fully grasp that concept yet. Someday...

I want to feel strong. When I started this blog many moons ago (have you seen the moon these past few nights? go check it out!) I didn't realize how hard it would be to talk about my bad days. Sure, I can post when something political or social network worthy happens and give my two cents about how I'm pissed... but to really talk about the no good bad days that I don't want to do a damn thing to change. I guess that's when I feel most selfish. I have a lot in life, I've been given a lot, and I still find ways to have bad days. Some say that's human, I say it's something to work on. We'll see.

Cheers to this blog entry being a big ol' bitch (swear word) fest. Cheers to the people that don't judge my bitch (swear word) fest, and to the people that do and will still talk to me in the morning. Cheers to no sleep. Cheers to that being why this week kinda blows. Cheers to the wants in life, that give us drive. The drive and determination to simply take that next step, and put one foot in front of the other... becoming part of the blur.

Now, go read a book or something.