Sunday, April 28, 2013

Voyage.

As this blog has shown, these past few days have been a little rocky... and as I got to Thursday and Friday I has this horrible attitude of --great, can't wait to work this weekend and not have any fun and feel bad for myself and blah blah freaking blah--nasty thoughts.

But, Saturday morning came and I got up before dawn and started walking to work. I walk along the main street into downtown which has a clear, near perfect view of the lake. And I thought to myself, I'd love to adventure after work today. It's just what I need... and then I pushed the thought away and did my job and got done with my shift and was so tired. So, as usual, went home and took a nap. Naps are brilliant. When I woke up, my roommate was on her sixth hour of video games, I was groggy and pissed that we were wasting away the sunlight -- something we haven't seen in months.

So. We made a plan. There is this beautiful scenic drive up the North Shore and all these great places to stop along the way. We picked up Michael B, headed north, and began our adventure. First stop was this amazing restaurant called Betty's Pies. It's legend. And the pies are to die for:


I mean, really? After Betty's we took ourselves up to Gooseberry Falls, one of my favorite places. You can walk around and hike all the way to the shoreline of Lady Superior. We stuck with just the waterfalls this time, but I loved every second.





A very hard view to beat. 

It was such a great adventure. On the way back, we stopped where our friend Charlie works and had a cocktail while looking out at the lake. By the time we got home, we were so full of liquor and food... and of happiness! It was such a great adventure, and I'm glad I made myself get out of the house and do something with my day. 

Sunday was upon me and I once again was walking to work thinking about adventures. This time, I knew that I would have to have one regardless of how tired I was. So, after work I took my nap and woke up ready to explore. Sometimes that means hoping in the car and driving for a few hours... but sometimes that means taking a big ol' walk and seeing where you end up. Tonight I ended up in Canal Park at the lift bridge. It's only a few miles from my house, and the path to the bridge is beautiful no matter what time of year. 


I loved my weekend full of adventures. I love how simple they were and how sore my feet are. This summer will be good, it will be epic, and I can't wait to stare at this bridge the whole time. 

Cheers to adventures, to iphones that capture the moments, and to soaking it all in. Cheers to warm weather, the smell of thunderstorms, and falling asleep to the sound of rain. 

Cheers to you. 


Thursday, April 25, 2013

Never Be Daunted

Sometimes I get down on myself because I think I'm just a big 'want' machine where all I do is think/say/shout the things that I want in life without taking a moment to feel grateful for what I already have.

So let me say before I type anything else that I am extremely grateful for the people in my life that listen and hear me when I say that I need help. They hold me when I cry and cry when I snort because we're laughing too hard and they are amazing. From my parents to my friends to my faculty at school to my classmates. They are wonderful. I am thankful for the opportunities I've been given to get where I am today. A college student. That's amazing.

But, with that said, and with my judgement of myself strong and harsh... Tonight I'm gonna indulge in my selfishness for a bit. I just need to write it down. I'm having a weird week. Not a bad one, not necessarily a good one. I'm having one of those nights where you can't sleep because you're brain is thinking about so many things... and tonight it's about all the things I want in life. So I just gotta get it out, yeah? Gotta feel stronger.

I want to know that my place in this world matters. Not just people will miss me when I'm gone, but I want to own something so grand, to create something worth viewing so that it exists after I leave.

I want to learn how to play an instrument so on nights like tonight when I can't sleep I can lay in bed strumming the ukelele or plunking out chords.

I want to travel and meet a guy in a bar that has seven kids and thirteen grandkids and he tells me a unique fact about each of them, and just when I think this man with laugh lines deeper than a canyon can't be any more perfect his second bride walks in and tells me of her first life, the one before him, and how he was a blessing and I can tell them about all my second chances in life. I want to meet the people across the world that could change my life with conversation.

I want to never have to worry about money. I want that for everyone.

I want to fall in love so deeply that I can spend an entire day with a person and not have to say a word. I want that love to make me feel empowered, and to wash away any doubts I have within myself. I want our conversations to be simple, personal, ones that to an outside viewer would be boring, but to us we cherish because we know it means we are content with where life has taken us.

I want to be better at things I've never even tried.

I want to feel like my tears aren't a joke. I want to get over things easier. I want to remind myself every time someone's an asshole that there is another person out there that is good, and worthy of my time.

I want to feel free. I feel stuck lately. I like this city, I like the people I see in my everyday. I love these people. But I feel stuck. Like in music videos when the person is in the middle of the screen and everyone else is speeding past them at the speed of light and it's all a big blur. I kinda feel like that at times. This week. Today. And how do you convince yourself that everyone else is moving at the same pace? That you're not like that music video? I don't know yet. I guess my answer today is you put one fucking foot in front of the other... and it gets easier with every step.

I want to write something honest, that makes people view the world a little differently. I have all these goals with my writing and I want so badly to focus on them and focus everyday to writing but it's... really hard. It's so worth it and it's so hard and then it's worth it all over again.

I want to graduate fucking college. And to not swear so much. Or at all, maybe.

I want to solidify my faith.

I want to kick depression's ass. (swear word)

I want to enjoy my own company. You know that quote: only boring people are bored. Well, that quote is shit. (swear word) Seriously. Stupid fucking (swear word) quote. Don't call me bored, Insert Who Said That Quote Here, when you've never had a seven month winter and a class called Oceanography in your schedule. Kay? But my point (is there one? life) is that I want to fill my time better. Really enjoy the things around me. The simple moments. The alone time. The solitude of thinking for myself and being my own person.

I want to understand that I'm simply not alone. Never quite been able to fully grasp that concept yet. Someday...

I want to feel strong. When I started this blog many moons ago (have you seen the moon these past few nights? go check it out!) I didn't realize how hard it would be to talk about my bad days. Sure, I can post when something political or social network worthy happens and give my two cents about how I'm pissed... but to really talk about the no good bad days that I don't want to do a damn thing to change. I guess that's when I feel most selfish. I have a lot in life, I've been given a lot, and I still find ways to have bad days. Some say that's human, I say it's something to work on. We'll see.

Cheers to this blog entry being a big ol' bitch (swear word) fest. Cheers to the people that don't judge my bitch (swear word) fest, and to the people that do and will still talk to me in the morning. Cheers to no sleep. Cheers to that being why this week kinda blows. Cheers to the wants in life, that give us drive. The drive and determination to simply take that next step, and put one foot in front of the other... becoming part of the blur.

Now, go read a book or something.




Sunday, April 21, 2013

Feels Like Home

My life continues to be a big, strong whirlwind, folks. Some things seem to never change, while other things change in the blink of an eye. And isn't that wonderful? You need the constants, and you need the change. At least today I'm living with that outlook...we'll see where it takes me.

This week dragged on, and brought some crazy news. And all the while, I had my people. My best friends, my favorites, my family. I'm able to pick up my phone, dial any number in my contacts and say 'Hey, I need a moment.' and they give it to me. And that's pretty freaking great.

There's a chance that I'll be staying in Duluth a lot longer that I thought I'd be... and all this month I've been struggling with the fact that it will be without my core people. Because, while Duluth is beautiful and full of art and culture and music and beer (beer being MOST important)... soon it won't be full of the people I've grown up with these past few years.

I was struggling with this, and not knowing how to really prepare myself... and I came across a quote. Yes, I know, could I post enough quotes?! No. It could be worse. Let's move on. The quote was from a blog I stumbled upon and it said:

The places don't matter, it's the people you know in the place.

And then it hit me. Duluth is a moment in my life. This city, my house, my school... it's a brief moment in time for me. I need to embrace this place full of snow (........) and full of adventure because in a year and some months it most likely will be in the past. But, the people, who fill my life with such laughter and happiness...they'll stick around. And that's a groovy realization to have. That Duluth on it's own on a postcard in a store looks like a pretty place to visit in the summer... but the reason Duluth means so much to me is because of who I spend my time with in this city.

I think I'm going to be alright when they leave. I'll still have people here, I'll still spend my days smiling and laughing... and maybe I'll meet new people who will make this place even more special.

It's the people I know here that have made the past four years of my life something to tell my kids about. I am grateful for them. I am grateful for my time with them. And I'm grateful that we all have these huge goals that are going to take us to brand new places. Places that we'll get to explore filled with people we'll meet that will make us bigger and better.

Cheers to the people who've made Duluth my home. Cheers to the laughter, to the drinks, to the dancing, and to the moments. Cheers to you.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Gabby G.

I'm often asked in job interviews, classes, and regular conversation who is my role model? Who is a public figure I look up to. And every time, without fail, I freeze and have to think on it. I'm not sure who I would choose (in the public figure category, that is. If I had the choice my mother would be my answer for every question ever asked about any subject, ever.) But, that indecisiveness stops here. Today.

My last blog was about my confusion about yet another tragic act of hatred in Boston on Monday. I felt drained and empty because yet again this year we have the impossible question of 'why do bad things happen to good people?' Over the past few days I've read article after article from celebrities to politicians claiming that there is still hope, that we will rise above this.

And then I saw this article.

I've known about Gabrielle Giffords for a few years, ever since she herself was a victim in a heinous crime against good fucking people. She was shot, point blank, in the head, and not only survived, but continues to live. I've followed her story, her journey through recovery. I've read about how her husband, who is a mother loving astronaut..... has helped Gabby (can I call her that?) recovery fully to the point where they climbed the Alps. No big deal. I'm a sucker for a love story, which is probably why I continued to look up Giffords every few months.

When I saw this article, I was blown away by the courage this woman has. I hope I one day can have this bravery and resilience for the right thing to do.

I've said it once, I've said it a million times... I'm not political. At all. But I'm human. And I'm sad these things keep happening. I don't know what causes a person to put a slow cooker in a building and start the timer of a bomb. I don't know why people buy guns to solve their problems at home. I don't know.

I do know, and I have held onto this knowledge in the past week, that there are people in this world that make it a better place. Plain and simple. There are people in my life that are the reason the sky lights up. It's that simple. And there are public figures, people who's name is known to many, who have decided that there name is not just in lights. Their name creates talk about important issues. That's what Gabby Giffords did with this article. And I'm listening.

So, I now know that whenever I'm asked who is my role model, who is someone in the public eye that I think is not only groovy, but puts out a whole heap of good into this world. My answer is Gabrielle Giffords. Hands down, without a doubt, over the fence World Series kind of stuff.

Cheers to Gabby. Cheers to the good in this world. Cheers to you.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Boston, MA

Today is a Monday. When you look up Monday in the dictionary, you'll see a day that is not fair, full of clouds, stains on your new jacket...and moments of fear. Cold, hard fear.

I'm not the picture perfect Christian. If you asked me if I pray, I would probably lie and say every nights when I kneel down like they show in the movies. If I had enough guts, I would tell the truth that it seems to be only when I really want something... or when I feel that the world is too scary for me to breathe. The honest truth, is when I have enough time I write in my journal what I want out of life. Things like: Write a movie worth making, fall in love with a man who sports a beard. Some days I get sentimental and write that I hope I recognize when good is around me, and I hope I recognize how to get rid of the bad. That's my form of prayer. Today, when I looked at my Facebook in class, because Singin' in the Rain decided Donald O'Connor was too good to be in every scene, I saw a post about Boston. I immediately googled the city, and found a picture of pavement coated in blood.

And I prayed. I prayed that these people have the option of erasing their memory, I prayed that the women and men that held someone's hand as they sat in pain had enough strength to smile. I prayed that no children were present.

I prayed for things I know may not be possible. And I wish they were. I wish with all my might. I pray.

This summer I bought tickets to the final Batman movie weeks ahead of time. I was going with my best friends, and we couldn't wait. We even bought $13 dollar drinks at the theatre (which you can do now?) we knew it was going to be a magical evening. And it was. What a movie, what a night with my best friends. The next morning, I woke up to the news that a man had blasted through the doors of a movie theatre and opened fire. And I prayed.

In the fall, I watched one of my very favorite people mourn the loss of her father. He was 'lost' at the hands of another man with a gun. It's easily one of my hardest days of college. To come to school having just talked to her, to go about my day as if life is filled with unexpected moments and isn't it crazy and all the bullshit they say....

And then, in December, I got a phone call from one of my best friends crying because something happened in Connecticut. Children had died. And that's when the world started talking. We said it was enough, it was time that people take notice of mental illness, of gun control. And that night, I truly did kneel at the edge of bed. I weeped, and I prayed.

We've gone through the past few months with clouds in the sky and snow falling all around us. We're nearing the end of the never ending winter, hoping desperately for sunlight and warmer days. And then today. Someone woke up today knowing they were planting a bomb. Someone else woke up today knowing they were gonna watch the Boston Marathon and have a cocktail.

How lives can be so different...

I don't know what to say about today. I'm very sad. I'm sad that this year has shown how you can try your fucking hardest to give out good and someone else will try and erase that will evil. I'm sad that there are people who now have another funeral to attend. I'm sad that there are phone calls from all over the country from worried friends, parents, and loved ones.

This isn't the world I want to grow up in. These aren't the days I want to remember. I want to remember the summer days, the movie premiers, the holiday season with children laughing. But I'm stuck today not knowing how to sink into the negativity, and the heartbreak of evil.

Maybe the answer is prayer. Whatever your version is. I don't believe a single person today didn't say to themselves 'Thankfully there were people to help' or 'I hope this ends' or 'We need to do celebrate the good in this tragedy.' That's your prayer. It may not be to God, it may not be to anyone but yourself, but I hope every person is realizing that they had some form of hope today. They are holding on to the good that surrounds them. Hope in kindness of others, hope in healing, hope in tomorrow... Maybe the answer is holding on tight to the people that rock my world, and recognizing that everyone needs someone. On days like today, you need your people. I hope I find some clarity of it all soon. Because today I'm quite lost, and I'm kneeling at the edge of my bed.

Cheers to the people who didn't blink when those bombs went off and immediately started helping. Cheers to the runners who ran past the finish line to the hospitals to donate their blood and their time. Cheers to people who fight everyday for kindness. Cheers to holding on to that special person.

On this Monday, full of questions, cheers to you.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Short Post About Feeling Fantastic and Wishing The Sun Wasn't Such A Player... Tuesdays.

Things that feel good:

The music I'm listening to, the writing I'm doing, the bed I'm sitting in, and the full fridge of healthy goods.

Today is good, today is sweet, and it's a day where I'm reminded life is a marathon not a sprint.

Cheers to that. Now, sun... I need you to not play games and commit. I'll be good to you, promise.


Monday, April 8, 2013

The Sound of Music

Ever have those mornings where you yearn for sun and you can just tell, without looking at the window, that's it's mother loving cloudy and the sun will be nowhere but above the clouds today. Ugh. On days like this, especially when the double whammy of a cloudy Monday presents itself, I put in my earplugs and I jam out. I would say rock out, but my taste in music varies so much it's gross, so I can't quite say it's all rock n roll.

I dig music hard. I love it so. It's calm, it's crazy, it's emotional, it's vibrant. My favorite days are when you let your music play on schuffle and you become reminded of these songs that meant so much to you at a point in your life. There have been a few songs along the way that have made me feel better on sad days, happy on good days, and explosive on crabby Mondays when there is no sun. Ever.

But, today, with no sun, and a Monday, I played my tunes and what do you know... the best songs came on. One after another. And there is no way for me to be angry now. No way. I have to study for a test I take in a few hours, and getting to listen to this magic as I study is saving me. I feel the sun right now, in a metaphoircally bullshit way... Monday is going to be okay.

Cheers to the tunes, cheers to the beats, cheers to the lyrics that change you.

Some of my favorites at this very moment in time (it changes oh so quickly, but these always remain the goodies...)

David Bowie -- Heroes

Blu Sanders -- Get In The Car And Drive
:: I first heard this song because Ryan Gosling has a song with the same title, and I thought he was being cheeky recording under the name Blu... not the case. Still dig it.

Bon Iver -- Blood Bank

Justin Vernon -- Whippgrass
:: Lead singer of Bon Iver, sports a beard, and owns my soul.

Could It Be Another Change -- The Samples

Shiela Take A Bow -- The Smiths
:: any Smiths song ever recorded under the history of ever

Sussudio -- Phil Collins
:: you don't want me to talk about my love for Phil, because it is so deep and vast and I could talk for dayzzzzzz

Hurt -- Johhny Cash
:: do you like sobbing as much as I do? Good.

Never Had --Oscar Isaac

The Field -- Mason Jennings
:: After I heard this song live I went home, cried, and stayed up all night writing a play. Yep.

Ethiopia -- Red Hot Chili Peppers
:: If I ever run a marathon (hahahahahahahaha) this is the song I'll listen to for the complete nine hours it will take me. For the first mile. It will take me nine hours to run a mile, and that is not bragging; just fact.

What Would You Do? -- City High
:: Don't you judge me...

Let's Go Crazy -- Prince

Anna Begins -- Counting Crows
:: If I could write a song like this, I would spend every second of every day staring in a mirror and basking in my brilliance. But I write about flowers and that's fine...

Feels Like The First Time -- Foreigner
:: The live version, of course, dahling.

Go Your Own Way --Fleetwood Mac

Beautiful World -- Colin Hay


That's what I got. That's what I'm listening to this Monday. This is keeping me sane. Thank the Lord above.

Cheers to a new week. Cheers to you!



Sunday, April 7, 2013

All The Letting Go: Part II

So. Life has happened these past few weeks, friends. LIFE.

A month or so ago I wrote a blog about forgiveness and letting go of the hurt I felt from my biological father leaving... and, because this is the interweb and I post my blog of different pages sometimes... he saw the blog. And now, after thirteen years of not talking to Kent... we're talking. A week ago he contacted me.

It's bizarre. It's truly strange. I've been trying to write a blog about this all week, and I haven't had the words yet because I'm kind of freaking out yet comfortable with it yet I want to run away... I'm everywhere.

It's amazing to me that when I started this blog, I did so because I wanted to document the times when I felt so strong I could take over North Korea and their bullshit... and I wanted to document the times where I felt so weak I couldn't move. I never thought that this blog would lead to me talking to the man that left twenty years and eight months ago...How did that happen?!  Today, after a week of talking to the man I used to loathe... I feel strong.

He asked me in one of his emails what effect his absence had in my life. And my immediate reaction was, are you serious? How can I answer that question??? What effect?! Umm, a whole lotta effect, bro. But I gave myself a few days and I realize that he can't have any idea... just like I have no idea what effect Alcoholics Anonymous had on him. I didn't go through it. I didn't live it. I didn't experience the hell.

So, today, at 4:30am when I'm supposed to be getting ready for work (which should be illegal it's so early for this night owl) I can say that I'm so grateful he contacted me. I'm so grateful I've been emailing him, and that I can ask any question I have. I think this experience will do nothing but help me. I still don't know where I want it to go, if I ever want to meet him in person. But I do know that I've had twenty years of asking myself questions I cannot answer... and this week that stopped. I'm asking the questions, they're being answered, and I try and find some sort of resolve.

And it started with this blog. It started by me writing that we all deserve the chance to forgive someone who has done wrong. When I first saw he contacted me, I thought... no way. Not him, not after all this time. But I had to put my money where my mouth was, so to speak. I can't say that I'm all forgiving and we all need to give out good and then just run from it the second it correlates to my life. I'm glad I didn't run.

The best part about this week, for me... is my family. I had Easter breakfast with my mother, and I was so nervous about the Kent situation. I was nervous to tell her that I was going to talk to him and try and figure out where he could fit in my life. Her response? Her beautiful, Teri D, perfect response? 'Good, it's time to fucking let go and move on.' She's the best. And she will be the first to say that we (my brother Jordan and me) need to know who Kent is, and we need to know his journey.

Just as wonderful as my mother, is my dad. Bruce Paul. I was getting nervous a few days ago that this wasn't the right decision, and that I was getting myself into another situation to be let down... and I called my dad and he completely calmed me down. He told me that it's an education, it's a chance to tell the man himself how much he affected me, and it's an opportunity to close the door if need be. Whatever was best for me. I love him. I never want to make him feel insulted by seeking out answers from the person that left... because Bruce is the man that walked in, didn't have a choice, and is stuck with me forever. Lucky bastard.

I've had a lot of questions answered this week. I've been able to be more honest than I could have hoped with Kent. I don't think I'll ever fully be over what has happened in the past. But, as I said to him in my last email, we're all on the road searching for happiness. Some people find in a partner, some find it in their work, and some people find it by getting their hands dirty and washing away the past. That's who I am. I find happiness by dealing with the messy, crazy life I live and trying my best to live a good life.

One of my very favorite quotes is 'Life is about the loving, the knowing, and all the letting go.' I've made it my mantra ever since high school. And if perfectly fits my 21st year of life. Life is about loving the people in my life, my beautiful parents who support me, my friends who answer my phone calls and 3:30 in the morning when I can't decide what to wear tomorrow, and the people who come in and out of my life and teach me lessons. Life is about the knowing... knowing when you're wrong, knowing when you're right. Knowing when it's time to put on your big girl pants. And life, most importantly for me this past week, is about all the letting go. Letting go of the hurt, letting go of the anger, letting go of the image you've had of a person from so long ago.

Today, I cheers to Kent's sobriety (which is kind of an oximoron, I dig it) . I cheers to my family, my cup runneth over. I cheers this blog, which continues to be my mother loving sanctuary. And I cheers to realizations. Realizations that life... just, happens... people grow, and every single person has the ability to change. Cheers to change.