Tired.

I'm finding myself at a standstill today. I'm very anxious. Very, very nervous for what the next couple of months will hold for me.

I have been skipping classes again. Not because I think they are pointless or worthless or not important. I just can't get out of bed. That's a scary thing to admit, that some days you wake up so exhausted and sad that you choose to stay still for just a little longer, hoping the dark sort of fades away painlessly. And it never does. I have to be the one to fight it off. I can't wait and sit and stay in my house expecting the world around me to go on pause as I catch my breath. That's not how it works.... but today I wish it did. I wish I could spend my days with my walls built up like armor protecting me from all the negative shit.

I'm quitting my job. Which is exciting, yes...but also terrifying. I'm giving in my two weeks notice the second I find something else... and I'm not looking back. In this moment I'm upset, but I have been really fortunate there... It's just time to move on. Which is a source of anxiety. I wish it was a source of energy...

Something I am looking forward to is going to Chicago. My four best friends and I are going to spend St. Patrick's Day in the windy city looking at the green river drinking brews and dancing in the street. That's definitely a source of energy, something I'm looking forward to. I have so much to do before that day.... But it will be amazing, and I'm so excited to spend time in one of the greatest cities with people that make me smile.

My character was questioned recently, and my honesty was put 'on trial'... I can't get over it. I pride myself on being an honest person, and when that gets questioned I don't want to fight it... If you think my character is that of a liar...then I don't want to waste my time proving you otherwise. That's your fault. Not mine. I cannot change the happenings of my life and the random occurrances that fill my life. I understand they are extreme and the timeline of my life is full of peaks when crazy shit goes down... But, you know what? I'm trying to deal with that. That's growing up. I would never lie about a death, about a crime, about the people I love. Do not question that. Do not assume that I would ever be malicious enough to trade in what I hold dearest to get out of something for a few hours. That's not me. That never has been and never will be who I am and what I believe in.

That's all I got.

I'm in a fury of emotions, and I need to calm the eff down. But I also need to own how I feel, understand what I can and cannot change, and then move on. Life is journey. A bumpy, scary, messy big ass journey. I'm taking myself way to seriously today... so here's hoping tomorrow bring a little more laughter.

Cheers.