A More Fascinating Name: Hope

Today I was sitting on a city bus headed towards campus. It was nighttime, so I could clearly see my reflection on the windows from the interior bus lights. And I had an out of ordinary reaction. I smiled. This huge, gaping smile as I looked at my reflection. I let my hair air dry, I didn't have a lick of makeup on, and my skin needed lotion to save it from this cold air. But I thought I looked beautiful. In an oversize sweatshirt and ratty jeans, I smiled at the thought of natural, of youth, and of owning the skin I live in.

The concept of reality has really been playing with my mind the past couple weeks. I often catch myself day dreaming and pretending to be different places doing magical, made up things. Hello, I'm seven. But my reality is Duluth. My reality is homework. My reality is bills. My reality is carbohydrates. My reality is a non-existent metabolism.

Or... is my reality living next to Lake Superior. Is my reality this picture? (I can't believe I live here...)

Is my reality writing poetry when I wake up because it makes me smile? Is my reality diving into books and movies and songs and my heart beating faster as I think about New York or Chicago or Boston? 

I think it's both. I hope it's both. I'm left tonight dreaming for more but being content with what I have...which is a very funny feeling indeed. I don't know if the wanting ever stops. If when you find that Mr. Right he'll take away the selfish, or when you get the perfect job you'll want for nothing... I just know that I feel blessed yet I yearn for elsewhere, and sometimes that makes me sad. I want it to make me feel strong, like when I look at my plain Irish skin and smile... I want to live in my own skin with my own flaws and my own content. 

Ahhhh! Content. That is what I want. See? Want. Want want want. Take take take. 

I'm talking myself out of thinking I'm this gorgeous specimen, so I'm going to stop typing now. 

Am I alone in this? Does the wanting ever become exhausting? Does the content ever take over and make you finally shut up and smile? 

Cheers to city buses, cheers to that picture reminding me of warmer days, and cheers to you.