The Confines of Fear

I've just had a thought. This is that thought, written randomly on this here page:

I think I've waited my whole entire life to feel this happy. I feel so happy today. I'm sitting in a dark room with only my computer light shining, I'm bare foot and freezing, my upstairs neighbor #1 is apparently serenading upstairs neighbor #2 with a terrible Sum 41 cover, and I audibly laughed looking at my bank account today. But I'm on a cloud.

I'm in debt. I eat too many carbs. I should find out what running shoes are and how they differentiate from regular walking shoes. I have piles and piles and piles of clothes on the ground. I can't sing as well as my friends. I don't sleep at night. I'm exhausted after walking up three blocks to buy alcohol that is very bad for me genetically speaking. Some people are really mean to me. I hate work. I want more money. I want a dog. I would kill that dog if it shit on my carpet just once. Probably shouldn't get a dog. But I want one. Because I'm lonely. Men. Eff.

All these things working against me, and I'm smiling big today.

I think, this is that think.... I think, that every bad thing that has ever happened to me in my life was so I could appreciate sitting on my unmade bed in the dark with cold feet and feel at peace with my life. (I swear I'm not high...) I appreciate so much in my life because of things that have been taken or people that have treated me poorly. I was raised to never be a victim and to wish those people well on their own journey in life, no matter how much they clouded your own. And I did, because Momma said so. But that doesn't mean I didn't have/don't have/will have fear of the unknown and of new things. It doesn't mean that insecurity is reason #1 MacKenzie talks in the third person to be witty and hates compliments. But today, and for about a week now, I'm coming to the conclusion that trading in any bad experience is a waste of time. A life full of upside downs and running backwards because looking ahead is too painful.... it was worth every step. I feel right side up today and I'm strolling to the beat of my own drum down my dirt road...

Bliss. Happiness. Not every day will feel this way. But today I feel strong. MEGA STRONG. And if I ever lose this feeling of strength and positivity, I will read this post and smile at the fact that I made other people picture a dog shitting on carpet. I love you. You're welcome.

Also, listen to this. Cheers.