Yesterday I was a lazy piece of no good human. Both classes cancelled which meant sleep, lay there, think about food, sleep, eat, watch Downton and SOB MY EYES OUT BECAUSE LADY --I won't ruin it... I won't. But I was sad. And then I slept some more. LITCHRALLY not a single accomplishment of my day except that I rested. Is that an accomplishment? Welp.
As if my laziness wasn't enough, I'm also an idiot.
Guess what happened. Guess.
There I was. Lounging in bed after a long day of lounging on the couch, and I realized that I was still wearing jeans. Silly me. You can't sleep in jeans! I thought, no prob, I'll just slip out of them and continue on my journey to sleep. If only I was a normal person where normal, average things actually happened...
I try unzipping my demin and the zipper gets caught on the fabric of my down comforter. Now, for those of you that don't own a down comforter, 1. What, what, what are you doing? 2. They are heavy. I realized that my zipper was caught and thought, this is okay. I can get out of this conundrum.
No go. I then stood up with my jeans on only to be rocketed back down by the weight of the comforter. So I sat there in my messy room thanking the Lord, for once, for my doomed spinster status so that no man would ever have to encounter me zipped into my bedding.
I wiggled out of my jeans and proceeded to spend the next two hours trying to get my jeans unzipped from my comforter. It was not pretty. It was not how they show it in the movies. A lot more crying. And my jeans are still nicely zipped to my down comforter.
So. Wednesday happened. As I was typing this I audibly said 'I'm digusted in you.' to myself, so... no need to send me hate mail.
Cheers to stupidity, to days off, and to owning more than one pair of jeans.
I love writing. I love the act of writing, the idea of writing, the feeling after you've written something you're happy with and you smile only big enough to show you're impressed but not too big so no one else sees your giddy-ness. I love it all. But I think more than writing, I love reading. I love diving into books and finding paragraphs, quotes, essays that stop me on the page. I re-read the words a second, third, fourteenth time to try and understand once more what I've just read and what the words mean to me. That's the best part about reading, the meaning is different for everyone. Do you know the ending of Harry Potter? The last line 'All was well.' I hate that line. Everyone that loves HP, that I've obsessed about it with, has said what a beautiful line it is. And I see the beauty, but I wanted something more. That's what I love about reading. The wanting. The differences in opinion. The stories that live off the page. Over the past few weeks, I've really sunken into my own writing and tried my best to look at it from a reader's point of view. Which words, which phrases, will keep the reader on the page? I hope there's a few. I've collected a few of my favorite quotes from the last couple of books I've read. I hope you check them out! And, cough cough, I love book suggestions! Send me some!! Here goes: From WILD by Cheryl Strade (A Minnesota gal!) I didn't get to grow up and pull away from her and bitch about her with my friends and confront her about the things I'd wished she'd done differently and then get older and understand that she had done the best she could and realize that what she had done was pretty damn good and take her fully back into my arms again. Her death had obliterated that. It had obliterated me. It had cut me short at the very heigh of my youthful arrogance. It had forced me to instantly grow up and forgive her every motherly fault at the same time that it kept me forever a child, my life both ended and begun in that premature place where we'd left off. She was my mother, but I was motherless. I was trapped by her, but utterly alone. She would always be the empty bowl that no one could full. I'd have to fill it myself again and again and again.
From CASUAL VACANCY by JK Rowling
You must accept the reality of other people. You think that reality is up for negotiation, that we think it's whatever you say it is. You must accept that we are as real as you are; you must accept that you are not God.
It was so good to be held. If only their relationship could be distilled into simple, wordless gestures of comfort. Why had humans ever learned to talk?
From THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY by Oscar Wilde
When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Words! Mere words! How terrible they were! How clear, and vivid, and cruel! One could not escape from them. And yet what a subtle magic there was in them! They seemed to be able to give a plastic form to formless things, and to have a music of their own as sweet as that of viol or of lute. Mere words! Was there anything so real as words?
From THE PLEASURE OF MY COMPANY by Steve Martin
(which may be my very favorite book right now)
The irony is that the one person who gives me money is the one person I wish I could hand the check back to and say no, only joy can pass between you and me.
She didn't see me, though; she doesn't know me. But there was a time when Liz Taylor and Richard Burton had never met, yet it doesn't mean they weren't, in some metaphysical place, already in love.
I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart.
I can't tell you why bad things happen to good people, but I can be there to hold your hand so you remind yourself which way is up while you get your breath back.
Take a walk with me.
I've never been able to tell the difference between a good carb and a bad carb and what makes up a carb because all I see is the frosting on the doughnut, and all I feel is the smile on my face.
Take a walk with me.
Some nights I can't sleep, so I think of a man in a small town that's written the next great novel. Only one person will ever read that book, and he'll take it with him when he leaves. He gets to Heaven and God cries 'You wrote such a beautiful message! Why didn't you share it with anyone?' and the guy replies 'I shared it with You.'
Take a walk with me.
The idea of going to a far away land and becoming a new person excites the hell out of me. But knowing you have to leave the people that literally held onto your limbs to keep you upright in times of doubt makes me sad. I'm sad sometimes.
Take a walk with me.
I've never had a man put his hands on my cheeks and gently lean in for what is sure to be one of those kisses you hold onto when he forgets to flush the toilet for the third time that week. I want one of those kisses, but I'm damn sure gonna wait for the right one.
Take a walk with me.
When he died I kept thinking I'd lost my best friend. Lost. What a funny word. I'd find him in my dreams. I'd talk to him and ask him why he left. Sometimes he'd say 'You wouldn't understand.' and all I can say is 'You're right. Moving on...' and then he'd ask me about New York...
Take a walk with me.
If you're not failing at something does that mean you're succeeding? Because I find my greatest talent is finding the crack in the ground and burying myself in it until someone notices me. When they do, they get angry but not for too long. They have to admit that burying yourself in a crack in the ground takes talent.
Take a walk with me.
When I met you I thought I was broken, sad, and alone. And you showed me all the ways that I was actually just an idiot. I'm human, and the day I looked myself in the mirror and made the agreement that I would always own who I saw looking back I became who I am today. And that's because of you. I love you.
I find myself being uber excited about something and then second guessing myself to the point of exhaustion. I don't like when I do that.
I watched this interview that Conan O'Brien (whom I love) held with Jack White from The White Stripes (whom I lovelovelove) and he said something that has stayed with me for a while. He said that to be an artist, wether it's music, writing, acting, dancing, etc, you have to work harder than everyone else around you. To be the best, your best, you have to be honest with yourself and kick your own ass and step it up. And I love the idea of having to work your hardest, because 9 times out of 10 the pay off is worth it. When you work and work and fail and fail and keep working and then finally someone recognizes the work and makes you feel valued. That's epic.
But there's another side to it for me. While I want to succeed and I want to gain popularity and form professional relationships and blah blah blah... I still want to be a good person. I don't want to sell others out or feel jealous when other people get good things.
I watched my friends win awards this past week and I couldn't be more proud. There's 904% no jealousy there, but is that because they worked their asses off and I didn't? Also, there were people that won that don't have the best attitude. And that week showed perfectly that while they have talent and are gaining popularity now, in a few years their poor attitude will take over and the work will disappear. But until that happens it really sucks watching someone who would run over your grandma to succeed get all these amazing things. That plainly blows.
I'm stuck, I suppose, on where the line should be drawn. I don't like compliments, but I want people to know that I want to be successful. I hate self promotion, but how else do you show your work?
I dropped my writing class this semester because I need to pass my other classes. Is that copping out? Is that post-poning, yet again, what I really want to be doing? Is it a smart idea? I don't know.
Hopefully the answer comes to me soon. I know that I'm thankful for this blog, I'm thankful for my imagination and the ideas that come my way, and I'm thankful for my humility.
My beautiful blog I've missed you so! It's been so long since I've posted about my love of carbohydrates, how could I do that to myself!
It's been a great month of relaxing and enjoying the company of others and enjoying alone time and enjoying chocolate and enjoying the little things in life. It's been pure excellence. But back to the real world I go.
I'm starting my next semester of college tomorrow. My school started last week, but I was gone all week on a conference in Lincoln, NE. [Secret MacKenzie Fact: I spell Lincoln wrong every time I type it and if it wasn't for spellcheck it would always be wrong.] Lincoln was a beautiful town, I enjoyed it very much. The conference was for theatre and let me tell you, do I appreciate my school or what.... The theatre we saw there was less than extravagant. It was less than passionate. It was less than inspiring. And I'm so thankful I attend a school with professors and educators and friends that make me strive to do better. Because that's exactly what I want to do when I'm around them. Do better. In Lincoln I wanted to run away from all the bad acting, horrible attitudes, selfish ways of others I was around. But here in Duluth, I am reminded that coming together as a team and litchrally building something great and worth it is the best therapy there is.
So. That was Lincoln. And this is Duluth. I start school tomorrow. And I'm down right nervous. I have written down all the homework I missed and everything I need to get done and holy caboozes. I will be busy. And that's without a show and without working during the week and without the stress no time for anything. I'll have the time, it just depends on if I'm willing to do the work. I have to be willing to do the work.
I think this semester will be a fantastic one, full of ups and downs as life always unapologetically is.
Cheers to first days, cheers to a fresh syllabus, cheers to you.
I've just had a thought. This is that thought, written randomly on this here page:
I think I've waited my whole entire life to feel this happy. I feel so happy today. I'm sitting in a dark room with only my computer light shining, I'm bare foot and freezing, my upstairs neighbor #1 is apparently serenading upstairs neighbor #2 with a terrible Sum 41 cover, and I audibly laughed looking at my bank account today. But I'm on a cloud.
I'm in debt. I eat too many carbs. I should find out what running shoes are and how they differentiate from regular walking shoes. I have piles and piles and piles of clothes on the ground. I can't sing as well as my friends. I don't sleep at night. I'm exhausted after walking up three blocks to buy alcohol that is very bad for me genetically speaking. Some people are really mean to me. I hate work. I want more money. I want a dog. I would kill that dog if it shit on my carpet just once. Probably shouldn't get a dog. But I want one. Because I'm lonely. Men. Eff.
All these things working against me, and I'm smiling big today.
I think, this is that think.... I think, that every bad thing that has ever happened to me in my life was so I could appreciate sitting on my unmade bed in the dark with cold feet and feel at peace with my life. (I swear I'm not high...) I appreciate so much in my life because of things that have been taken or people that have treated me poorly. I was raised to never be a victim and to wish those people well on their own journey in life, no matter how much they clouded your own. And I did, because Momma said so. But that doesn't mean I didn't have/don't have/will have fear of the unknown and of new things. It doesn't mean that insecurity is reason #1 MacKenzie talks in the third person to be witty and hates compliments. But today, and for about a week now, I'm coming to the conclusion that trading in any bad experience is a waste of time. A life full of upside downs and running backwards because looking ahead is too painful.... it was worth every step. I feel right side up today and I'm strolling to the beat of my own drum down my dirt road...
Bliss. Happiness. Not every day will feel this way. But today I feel strong. MEGA STRONG. And if I ever lose this feeling of strength and positivity, I will read this post and smile at the fact that I made other people picture a dog shitting on carpet. I love you. You're welcome.
It's kind of gross how good I'm getting at ordinary days becoming extraordinary.
Why is today extraordinary?!
Downton Abbey. Revenge. Once Upon A Time. NHL is back. I have coffee. I'm at work blaring some Mumford & Sons, Sara B, Ben Howard, and Bonhiver (that's the hipster way to spell it, because I wanted to make you vomit....kisses!)
All of these things are quite simple. All of them are quite normal. But you add them together and you have an amazing Sunday at work, all before noon. I have a lot to get done today, but I have until 4:00 so I think I'm going to take my break early and go on Pinterest and find a recipe to make tonight. Because if baking doesn't make a day magical, nothing does.
Some other things that are making me happy:
--I had an insomnia attack (I'm calling them attacks because I do not wish them upon my poor mind, they just happen!) last night and didn't get enough sleep, but I'm feeling so very energized. It's the coffee talking, and in a few hours this energy may leave...but cheers to not falling asleep at my desk after a night of tossing and turning! Cheers to productivity, well, kind of. Is it productive to write a blog at work? I suppose when you're taking your break to write about happiness it is!
--I'm using so many parenthesis in this post. If there's one thing I love more than .... it's ( ). Holla for a dolla.
--This song. I may have just started crying at work...but it's fine. I'm a 21 year old female, we own our emotions however fluctuating they may be. Cheers to that? Yes.
--I'm going to go home and prepare for my night of television by watching the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love. Because Steve Carrell in New Balance shoes is what I'm about on the perfect Sunday from Heaven. Most people stare at Ryan Gosling, who I agree has cheekbones only Jesus himself could chizzle, but I always gotta go with the underdog. Rooting for Steve, always.
--I'm planning a trip to California, which on a cold Minnesota morning is all I can think about.
--I'm getting my very first massage EVER this week. EEEEK!!! Is it weird to be nervous? I'm nervous! But so very excited. It was a gift given to me by some of my very favorite people and I'm just so excited to relax and breathe for an hour. I should try doing that more....
--This break. It's been near perfection. I spent a lovely week with my family. I saw relatives I don't get to see very often. My 75 year old grandparents called me at 2am to ask how partying was going on New Years Eve... I was headed to bed. Gma was on her 3rd Baileys and 'needed to behave herself.' Grandpa was talking about needing to get pants on. (I don't know....) Hysterical. And the rest of break has been relaxing and spending time with my very best friends. Couldn't be better!
Also, I may have woken up later than planned today and had to run out the door to catch the bus to work. Which meant throwing my lunch (leftover pizza...baked potato pizza..pizza luce... BEST SUNDAY EVER!) in my bag with no rhyme or reason. After a block of walking to said bus stop I just started laughing at the realization that I had floating pizza in my purse. Who AM I?! The weirdest human.... Luckily, they had plastic protecting them from purse lint...but it was a close call. Too close when there's baked potato pizza from luce at stake!
I hope you're Sunday finds you relaxed and either celebrating a Packer win or nursing your broken heart from the Vikes. It's okay, next year! (I don't do football, it's almost as bad as celery to me...... and I think celery is the devil's candy.)
Cheers to you, cheers to complicated simplicity, cheers to television controlling my happiness. Jokez.
Secret MacKenzie Fact # 64: I practiced my Oscar acceptance speech in the shower this morning. Like, a solid 8 times. By the last time I think I really brought the humor to the moment where all my dreams had come true holding that 'golden, naked man' [YOU ALWAYS MENTION THE FACT THAT IT'S A GOLDEN NAKED MAN....THAT WILL ALWAYS GET A LAUGH AT THE OSCARS, PEOPLE.] and I feel like I really captivated the audience without boring them.
Who am I?
The worst part. I had decided that I would win multiple Oscars on the same night. The second time I won, for my writing....obviously.... I made a joke that if we (me and Clint Eastwood, which I will mention I had a phenominal Republican joke worked in by speech #5) didn't win Best Picture I was gonna be pissed off. The whole crowd smirked and Meryl maybe even chortled. Magic.
Because this was my Oscars, because I had a few more tear jearking moments in me, and because in my dreams Kyle Chandler presents me with Best Picture, my film won this morning in my shower. Oh yeah. As I held my razor in the air shouting 'Thank you, Sean Penn, for being my partner-in-crime' I think I realized I may have gone too far. Not only was I going to be late for work, but I was naked in cold water talking to my shower curtain.
I'm not saying I'm disappointed in myself, but I'm certainly not proud....
But it made me realize that I still have those big dreams in me. And I'm grateful for them. As I almost fail out of college on a daily basis, I'm reminded where I want to go and all the people that are helping me get there. They may not have the famous names like Meryl and Clint, but they are my real partners in crime.
Five days into January, and I'm loving every minute of this new year. I'm reading a lot of books, watching a lot of West Wing, and itching to get back to school. Gross.
Cheers to big dreams. Cheers to admitting that I talk to myself a gross amount of the time. Cheers to the people who walk with you on your journey, never afraid to trip you for a laugh.
A new years resolution, to me, is something that you dedicate for the year. Like, gym three times a week or no chocolate except on Wednesdays... things that for an entire year you want to accomplish. And I made a blog post about my resolutions... mostly joking because I like the sound of my own voice. But these are my goals. And for me, goals have no deadline. I want to accomplish these things within the next year, but they will hopefully continue long after 2013 is gone...
To have patience, not unlike the kind my mother had during my pre-teen years. This will take some work, but I am determined to take deep breaths and not call people mean names in my mind as they ask me if sunscreen is poisonous....
To learn what a treadmill is capable of doing. At least what happens when you turn it on.....
Eating things that are green and have grown from the ground.
Taking time each day to celebrate one thing I'm crazy about. [MY JOY JAR!]
Swear less.
Every time I get a paycheck, to not go and spend said money as Savers to fill my bookshelf with books. To save.
To pass my classes with class. Yes.
Yoga.
To adventure in Duluth, and not take this gorgeous city for granted.
Sweatpants are for my house and my house only. [I accomplished this goal first semester, but now it shall be for all of 2013!]
Act as if my room needs to be clean for all the men that will be spending time in there, whilst coming to the conclusion that not having men in my room is the best thing for my brain.
Watch shows like How It's Made, History Channel Presents, and Shark Week, and steer clear of shows like Dance Moms and Toddlers and Tiaras. Yeeesh.
To spend more time dancing, preferably to Backstreet Boys.
To slap people who talk about Kim/Kanye's baby like it's actually not an alien.
To read the books I spend $250 on to collect dust in my bookbag. Not a backpack, people! A bookbag.
To become more accepting of horrible, gross, stupid, immature words or phrases. In 2012, I would say 'I'm to good for those words, those words are beneath me.' No longer, I'm getting on that level... Ex: POOP DOLLAAA.
To use '...' in every sentence, ever...And whilst speaking saying 'elipses....' and then continuing with my brilliant statement of gun control... (I'm already loving this one...)
To be kinder to children, who don't mean to smear boogers on your pantleg... it looked so much like the Kleenex box that sits in their room. NO IT DOESN'T, LITTLE JIMMY, BUT IT'S FINE.
To read the books I purchase to go on my bookshelf. I may have bought Les Mis to look special, but it's time to read Javier and picture a Russle Crowe that doesn't make a car crashing sound when he hits the water...because that wasn't distracting. At all.
I will ignore all grammar. Ever. (This isn't true but I figure if I put it on here people won't care that I sometimes don't capitalize or correctly comma.... So....)
I'm going to try, key word, try, to write down everyday one thing that makes me happy. I feel like I spent 2012 fighting to be happy. And that's no fun! There's a lot of really, really great people in my life that help and allow me to do amazing things. So every day, even if I spend it coiled up in a ball, I will write what made me smile. [Today: Watching the Lord of the Rings for the first time; all three; here we go!] Oh........ (almost forgot)
And lastly, I will wake up everyday emulating Beyonce's skin, Tina Fey's wit, Amy Pheoler's fearlessness of failure, and will walk into a room like Meryl. Because they are my bitches, and bitches win...
