Sometimes I have horrible, rotten, really bad days that turn into awesome, uplifting, positive-as-oprah really good days. And today was one of those days. And, don't worry, I'm about to tell you why!
I woke up today in the funk I've been in the last few days. For some reasons, the mornings are really hard. It's hard to get going and start my day. But... once I do, usually, I pick right up. Today was different. I was just sort of lounging today. Not doing anything. That made it so hard to be any kind of productive. Oohfta. But. About an hour before I had no choice to move because I had rehearsal... I decided I would turn my frown upside down once again and prepare for a night of being good to myself. I'm currently in the middle of it, and it's been great. I am tired, but I know my brain...and I know I need to keep doing little fun things. I'll do some writing, I just dyed my hair back to red (photo soon), I'm eating my favorite mint ice cream, and I'm watching my favorite shows at the moment: Parenthood, New Girl, and Castle. It's just been a great night.
And I realized something, something that did not take a lot of brain power to figure out... definitely not rocket science. But I'm going to try to get up earlier, to start my day at least an hour before I need to go anywhere. And get out of the mornings suck funk I trap myself in. Maybe that way when I do leave, I'm ready for my day and for what lies ahead.
[This is where I should explain something about I, MacKenzie Jo. I am HORRIBLE at listening to others when it comes to bettering myself. Ask me how many times my mother has told me to do what I just said above? Ask me. Don't ask me. I'm embarrassed to say. But a lot. And I don't listen. I love her, and her advice always, eventually, makes me feel better... but I need to reach the moment of epiphany solely on my own before I can make a change. How weird is that? I know I'm not the only one, but it always makes me laugh when I call someone and am like 'Guess what I'm going to try!' and there is this long pause before they reply 'You mean the thing I told you to do three months ago. Peachy.' I'm an enigma.. keeps me young. Or something.]
I love that I can recognize that not all days have to start and end the same. That good days can sometimes be blind sided, and bad days can turn around so quickly with the decision to try something new. That's all kinds of neat.
I already know what my next blog post is going to be... but I need to give myself some times to do all the things I need to do before I actually blog about it. BUT I'M PUMPED! So, all 8 of you that read my blog.... get ready. Kisses.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Allowances
Alright, it's that time again.
Today is not a bad day, it's a hard day. But, something that is a very big positive.... I know why. Usually, the days are hard and I don't know why which turn them into stressful, get-nothing-done days. But, today I know...
I find myself missing things I've never had. Is that jealousy? Is that envy? I don't know. But I miss adventures that friends have taken or things that other people have that I've never owned. How can I miss them if they were never mine in the first place? I'm struggling with that today.
I have so much. So, so, sooooooo much in my life. The people are too good. The things are valuable, and providing. I have a lot... but the want for more clouds that. I guess today that's hurting my own feelings a bit.
So, how do I fix it? How do I move on from being sad that I don't have a car, or an iPhone, or that I still live in Duluth when I want to be somewhere completely different? I keep going. I start. Start something...by starting. That's all I can do. If I decide to stop moving and sit in my own self pity, Imma be here a LONG time. And I don't want that.
Keep moving, keep starting, allow yourself to be a beginner. And then when you feel stuck again, remind yourself of where your dreams have already taken you. I'm going to try my hardest to remind myself of that in these next few days. Get myself out of this rut and just keep moving along.
The obstacles are worth it, the hard days make for amazing lessons, the strength that comes from feeling weak is unlike anything else I've ever felt.
Cheers.
Today is not a bad day, it's a hard day. But, something that is a very big positive.... I know why. Usually, the days are hard and I don't know why which turn them into stressful, get-nothing-done days. But, today I know...
I find myself missing things I've never had. Is that jealousy? Is that envy? I don't know. But I miss adventures that friends have taken or things that other people have that I've never owned. How can I miss them if they were never mine in the first place? I'm struggling with that today.
I have so much. So, so, sooooooo much in my life. The people are too good. The things are valuable, and providing. I have a lot... but the want for more clouds that. I guess today that's hurting my own feelings a bit.
So, how do I fix it? How do I move on from being sad that I don't have a car, or an iPhone, or that I still live in Duluth when I want to be somewhere completely different? I keep going. I start. Start something...by starting. That's all I can do. If I decide to stop moving and sit in my own self pity, Imma be here a LONG time. And I don't want that.
Keep moving, keep starting, allow yourself to be a beginner. And then when you feel stuck again, remind yourself of where your dreams have already taken you. I'm going to try my hardest to remind myself of that in these next few days. Get myself out of this rut and just keep moving along.
The obstacles are worth it, the hard days make for amazing lessons, the strength that comes from feeling weak is unlike anything else I've ever felt.
Cheers.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Turning Zee Frown Upside Down
I'm trapped in the Monday blues today, friends. No getting out of it, just have to ride the wave...
But, this wave of tiredness can and will be used for good! For every dislike I have in this very moment, I'm going to think of a like, something I do enjoy. Here we go; negativity be damned.
--I strongly dislike crabby people, who make me walk on egg shells because they decide they are going to have a bad day.
--I like that sometimes the perfect remedy for lonliness is to, in fact, be alone. To sit with yourself with your favorite movie (Free Willy), favorite book (Jane Eyre), or favorite thoughts (dreaming of adventures) and become content with yourself. I love that feeling, and that it doesn't come very often...Comfort in being alone is a work in progress, but I love the pay off.
--I dislike the media telling me I'm ugly, fat, stupid, and lesser because I don't look like Kim Kardashian. Acca-scuse me, but I'll take 'normal' over that any day.
--I like the way snow crunches underneath your feet when walking. It's one of my favorite sounds.
--I dislike that I worry to much about what people think of me.
--I like that there is a news article in the paper today about a group of men in Toronto that did a 'Walk A Mile In Her Shoes' walk to end violence against women. I dig that a whole lot.
--I dislike people who don't work for things. Paris Hilton, you don't appeal to me.
--I like my vernacular. I get away with saying the stupidest things, like 'I dig that a whole lot'.... what is that. People are very kind in putting up with my quirks and I appreciate that immensely.
--I dislike that I can't eat Nutella without consequences.
--I like that Nutella is on this planet.
--I dislike insomnia, and that I can't calm myself down enough to let go of my to-do list and fall asleep.
--I like the moment where you realize you like someone, whether it's friendship or more. My favorite is when the butterflies kick in, and all of a sudden you're smiling walking alone down a sidewalk because you're remembering how someone looked at you that one time, or how they told a stupid joke that you still laugh at. Man, I love romance. I'm a sucker for it...
--I dislike my own laziness, and how if I had the option I would stay in bed all day every day. There is so much life to see! Why, oh why, body, must you be so lazy!!
--I like that I've had to go through obstacles in my short twenty-one years of life. Really hard, big ol' obstacles. Things that I don't wish on anyone else, but I'm so grateful for. Isn't that funny? It's taken me a long time to be grateful for them, but I feel like I'm the lucky one. There's not much more that life can throw at me without me laughing in it's face and saying, 'That's all you got?' I feel strong when I think about how much I've overcome, and that's the best feeling out there.
--I dislike movies with stupid endings. Don't make me watch two hours worth of Matt Damon's hair and then give me a stupid ending..... Aint nobody got time for that!
--I like hugs. Period.
--I dislike that I try something for a day and then give up on it. The follow through is like, an impossible accomplishment.
--I like making Bucket Lists. Somewhere, far far away, are my 1,345 bucket lists I've made. It's not a hobby, it's a lifestyle. I secretly have no intention of completing most of the lists I make. I have one master copy that is up in my room that I do check things off, which is very fun. But an even more good time is creating a whole new list with crazy things like 'Jump off a cliff and yell, Yippee-kay-ayeeee'... I will never do that, but somewhere out there it's on one of my lists. I love that, and I honestly don't know why. You figure it out for me...
--I dislike how completely messy my room is. Even more, I dislike how I can change this fact in a solid hour and a half of cleaning, but instead I'll just sit on my mounds of laundry. Cause that's normal....
--I like knowing fun facts about movies. Secret Fact: I watch commentaries (commentari?) for every movie I've ever bought in hopes of finding out fun facts to tell people. Ask me anything about the show Friday Night Lights...it's gross how much I know. I love learning about behind the scenes, what it's like on the set. Geek status.
--I dislike when your foot falls asleep and it's so uncomfortable but you don't want to look like a weirdo shaking your foot all over the place so you just have to deal with the sharp-pins-in-your-foot-why-does-it-kind-of-feel-like-rain feeling internally. So much dislike for this!!!
--I like sunrises and sunsets, and the possibilities a new days brings.
--I dislike Mondays.
--I like this blog. Win.
People, it's insane how much better I feel right now!!!!!!! I'm stopping because all I can think of are the things I like, all my dislikes are gone. I can't think of any. Whoofta. Monday, we're gonna be alright. You and me, babe. You and me.
Hey, you. Have a great week. For every stupid, dumb, horrible thing that happens...think of something that makes you smile! You'll turn the frown upside down, promise. Cheers.
But, this wave of tiredness can and will be used for good! For every dislike I have in this very moment, I'm going to think of a like, something I do enjoy. Here we go; negativity be damned.
--I strongly dislike crabby people, who make me walk on egg shells because they decide they are going to have a bad day.
--I like that sometimes the perfect remedy for lonliness is to, in fact, be alone. To sit with yourself with your favorite movie (Free Willy), favorite book (Jane Eyre), or favorite thoughts (dreaming of adventures) and become content with yourself. I love that feeling, and that it doesn't come very often...Comfort in being alone is a work in progress, but I love the pay off.
--I dislike the media telling me I'm ugly, fat, stupid, and lesser because I don't look like Kim Kardashian. Acca-scuse me, but I'll take 'normal' over that any day.
--I like the way snow crunches underneath your feet when walking. It's one of my favorite sounds.
--I dislike that I worry to much about what people think of me.
--I like that there is a news article in the paper today about a group of men in Toronto that did a 'Walk A Mile In Her Shoes' walk to end violence against women. I dig that a whole lot.
--I dislike people who don't work for things. Paris Hilton, you don't appeal to me.
--I like my vernacular. I get away with saying the stupidest things, like 'I dig that a whole lot'.... what is that. People are very kind in putting up with my quirks and I appreciate that immensely.
--I dislike that I can't eat Nutella without consequences.
--I like that Nutella is on this planet.
--I dislike insomnia, and that I can't calm myself down enough to let go of my to-do list and fall asleep.
--I like the moment where you realize you like someone, whether it's friendship or more. My favorite is when the butterflies kick in, and all of a sudden you're smiling walking alone down a sidewalk because you're remembering how someone looked at you that one time, or how they told a stupid joke that you still laugh at. Man, I love romance. I'm a sucker for it...
--I dislike my own laziness, and how if I had the option I would stay in bed all day every day. There is so much life to see! Why, oh why, body, must you be so lazy!!
--I like that I've had to go through obstacles in my short twenty-one years of life. Really hard, big ol' obstacles. Things that I don't wish on anyone else, but I'm so grateful for. Isn't that funny? It's taken me a long time to be grateful for them, but I feel like I'm the lucky one. There's not much more that life can throw at me without me laughing in it's face and saying, 'That's all you got?' I feel strong when I think about how much I've overcome, and that's the best feeling out there.
--I dislike movies with stupid endings. Don't make me watch two hours worth of Matt Damon's hair and then give me a stupid ending..... Aint nobody got time for that!
--I like hugs. Period.
--I dislike that I try something for a day and then give up on it. The follow through is like, an impossible accomplishment.
--I like making Bucket Lists. Somewhere, far far away, are my 1,345 bucket lists I've made. It's not a hobby, it's a lifestyle. I secretly have no intention of completing most of the lists I make. I have one master copy that is up in my room that I do check things off, which is very fun. But an even more good time is creating a whole new list with crazy things like 'Jump off a cliff and yell, Yippee-kay-ayeeee'... I will never do that, but somewhere out there it's on one of my lists. I love that, and I honestly don't know why. You figure it out for me...
--I dislike how completely messy my room is. Even more, I dislike how I can change this fact in a solid hour and a half of cleaning, but instead I'll just sit on my mounds of laundry. Cause that's normal....
--I like knowing fun facts about movies. Secret Fact: I watch commentaries (commentari?) for every movie I've ever bought in hopes of finding out fun facts to tell people. Ask me anything about the show Friday Night Lights...it's gross how much I know. I love learning about behind the scenes, what it's like on the set. Geek status.
--I dislike when your foot falls asleep and it's so uncomfortable but you don't want to look like a weirdo shaking your foot all over the place so you just have to deal with the sharp-pins-in-your-foot-why-does-it-kind-of-feel-like-rain feeling internally. So much dislike for this!!!
--I like sunrises and sunsets, and the possibilities a new days brings.
--I dislike Mondays.
--I like this blog. Win.
People, it's insane how much better I feel right now!!!!!!! I'm stopping because all I can think of are the things I like, all my dislikes are gone. I can't think of any. Whoofta. Monday, we're gonna be alright. You and me, babe. You and me.
Hey, you. Have a great week. For every stupid, dumb, horrible thing that happens...think of something that makes you smile! You'll turn the frown upside down, promise. Cheers.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Happy Hour
It has been an amazing weekend at home. I'm actually kind of nervous to go back to Duluth. I don't want to get sad, or start playing the What If game... I love the If game, but hate the What If game. It's been such a great weekend, and I want to cherish every second with my beautiful, crazy, chaotic family! I got to see my neighbors yesterday, who are my very best friends. They aren't even friends, they're family. My sisters. So lucky to have them in my life.
My dad is making mostacholi tonight, which, is my very favorite meal on this planet! It's so good. If I had a smart phone, all I would do is take pictures and Instagram the gorgeous meals my father makes. He's a magician. He's having a hard time right now looking for a job. Unemployment hits so many families, but until it hits yours you don't really know how to adjust. I hope that he doesn't go crazy from boredom... We've got to get his spirits up! But I know that being surrounded by family helps him, so I'm soaking up every second with him I can before I start to suffocate him.... which could, obviously, never happen.... duh.
My mom and I went shopping today because the shoes I brought home smell like someone died in them and them decided to bring their wet dog in for company. They are disgusting, but my favorite pair! Anyway, every family member has nearly passed out because of them, so my mom said no more. We went to buy shoes, and naturally I found my way into Barnes and Noble instead... Now, if you know me at all you know that Barnes and Noble on a Saturday night with a grande mocha and a big book about WWII is perfection. I love B&N. I found two of the greatest items today!
One, is a book called 642 Things To Write About. I love writing, but sometimes I get SO stuck on what to write about or I keep saying the same thing using different words. This book has, clearly, a number of different things to talk about. I'm so excited to start it!
I also found something I've had my eye on for a long, long time. A Five Year Journal!!!! People, this is a big one. I'm more thrilled than I can talk about to start this project. It's as simple as saying 'Today, I washed my clothes and put them away. Boom' and that's it! (PS... how hard is it to actually hang your clothes up?! Please think it's hard with me...because it's an impossible task. Nobody got time for that!) I'm excited to trace where I go and what I accomplish in five years, all while having some crazy moments along the way.
Also, if you ever need an excuse to spend a large amount of money and B&N, check out their bargain priced books. Sherlock Holmes, my collection of Jane Austen is now complete, Les Mis, and a book called Wild. All for under $50!! The book Wild was the most expensive item, but it was recommended to me so I have to give it a try. It's about a woman that basically drops everything and starts fresh. I mean.....It's perfect for me. I'm so excited to start it!
After B&N we made our way to Target, or as I call it, Narnia. I got five movies for the price of one, I aint even mad....
I love today. I love being home with my favorite people. I love books. I love movies. I love the little things like a new place to write that makes me so excited I could scream. I love laundry without charge. I love family.
And I love this blog. I'm so grateful for this place, and the freedom to say whatever I want to say whenever I want to say it. It's not perfect, it's not neat...but it's all mine. I'll never stop loving that.
So grateful, so happy, so simple. Gah! Cheers to that.
My dad is making mostacholi tonight, which, is my very favorite meal on this planet! It's so good. If I had a smart phone, all I would do is take pictures and Instagram the gorgeous meals my father makes. He's a magician. He's having a hard time right now looking for a job. Unemployment hits so many families, but until it hits yours you don't really know how to adjust. I hope that he doesn't go crazy from boredom... We've got to get his spirits up! But I know that being surrounded by family helps him, so I'm soaking up every second with him I can before I start to suffocate him.... which could, obviously, never happen.... duh.
My mom and I went shopping today because the shoes I brought home smell like someone died in them and them decided to bring their wet dog in for company. They are disgusting, but my favorite pair! Anyway, every family member has nearly passed out because of them, so my mom said no more. We went to buy shoes, and naturally I found my way into Barnes and Noble instead... Now, if you know me at all you know that Barnes and Noble on a Saturday night with a grande mocha and a big book about WWII is perfection. I love B&N. I found two of the greatest items today!
One, is a book called 642 Things To Write About. I love writing, but sometimes I get SO stuck on what to write about or I keep saying the same thing using different words. This book has, clearly, a number of different things to talk about. I'm so excited to start it!
I also found something I've had my eye on for a long, long time. A Five Year Journal!!!! People, this is a big one. I'm more thrilled than I can talk about to start this project. It's as simple as saying 'Today, I washed my clothes and put them away. Boom' and that's it! (PS... how hard is it to actually hang your clothes up?! Please think it's hard with me...because it's an impossible task. Nobody got time for that!) I'm excited to trace where I go and what I accomplish in five years, all while having some crazy moments along the way.
Also, if you ever need an excuse to spend a large amount of money and B&N, check out their bargain priced books. Sherlock Holmes, my collection of Jane Austen is now complete, Les Mis, and a book called Wild. All for under $50!! The book Wild was the most expensive item, but it was recommended to me so I have to give it a try. It's about a woman that basically drops everything and starts fresh. I mean.....It's perfect for me. I'm so excited to start it!
After B&N we made our way to Target, or as I call it, Narnia. I got five movies for the price of one, I aint even mad....
I love today. I love being home with my favorite people. I love books. I love movies. I love the little things like a new place to write that makes me so excited I could scream. I love laundry without charge. I love family.
And I love this blog. I'm so grateful for this place, and the freedom to say whatever I want to say whenever I want to say it. It's not perfect, it's not neat...but it's all mine. I'll never stop loving that.
So grateful, so happy, so simple. Gah! Cheers to that.
Friday, November 16, 2012
I'm On Fire
I made a vow to do something every day that was good for me. To be kinder to myself. And boy, has it payed off. I don't do crazy, out there things every day. But I buy the cookie, I sing at the top of my lungs, I take an hour to watch New Girl. I do what I can with the time that I have to relax and enjoy my crazy life. I love it! Last night, it was singing. I had a late night, and when I got home all I could think about what sleep. But, my brain had other things in mind. Sometimes I have a really hard time falling asleep and I'm miserable. But I used my insomnia for good, and I created this video! I posted it on my Facebook, so for some of you it's a repeat. People have been so kind about it! I'm definitely not the best singer, but I love how it makes me feel. After this video, I fell right asleep. I think it was my brains way of telling me I needed to do something creative before the end of my day!
This weekend is going to be amazing. For the first time in about 7 months, I don't have rehearsals or work this weekend. An empty calendar, no commitments. I'm elated!
Have an amazing weekend, friends! Stay warm!!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
California Dreams, Sign Me Up
I was looking over my blogs and I kept seeing the same word over and over: Adventure. I yearn for adventures. And, my friends, an adventure I have found.
I've decided I won't be staying in Minnesota this summer. I'm going to apply to a bunch of places, some internships, some summer ranches, and work in a new place for a few months. I've found a few I'm crazy about, and they'd be a great fit...so fingers crossed! I could be living in California, Montana, or most exciting... NEW YORK! I found this amazing internship that PAYS and I'd be working for a new works theatre for the summer. So. Amazing.
But....no matter what happens, or what I chose, I just want to get out of the state for the summer. I had coffee today with my friend who was in Honduras this summer...and he said something that will stay with me. He said, you deserve to have an adventure for yourself. And you know what? He's totally right. Everyone deserves to allow themselves to completely escape at least once in their life.
That's my plan. To have an adventure. It's something to look forward to, which I know will really help me in these next few weeks. As the days get shorter and the semester gets more stressful, looking forward to the possibility of running away for a while will keep me smiling, and keep me working towards something.
I could live here this summer? Yes please.
I've decided I won't be staying in Minnesota this summer. I'm going to apply to a bunch of places, some internships, some summer ranches, and work in a new place for a few months. I've found a few I'm crazy about, and they'd be a great fit...so fingers crossed! I could be living in California, Montana, or most exciting... NEW YORK! I found this amazing internship that PAYS and I'd be working for a new works theatre for the summer. So. Amazing.
But....no matter what happens, or what I chose, I just want to get out of the state for the summer. I had coffee today with my friend who was in Honduras this summer...and he said something that will stay with me. He said, you deserve to have an adventure for yourself. And you know what? He's totally right. Everyone deserves to allow themselves to completely escape at least once in their life.
That's my plan. To have an adventure. It's something to look forward to, which I know will really help me in these next few weeks. As the days get shorter and the semester gets more stressful, looking forward to the possibility of running away for a while will keep me smiling, and keep me working towards something.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Normal Nancy
Is there romance is normalcy? Is there something exciting about a plain ol' average day? Abso-freaking-lutely. Today, I did nothing but normal things. I stayed up all night studying for a test, I went to sleep and woke up with enough time to study for a few hours before my test. Then, I took a shower, put on a dress and my favorite pair of boots, and strutted my tush to school. I then took that test (not sure how I did...but I know I did the best I could do with how much I prepared) and left the classroom, leaving everything at the door. After that, I went about my day as normal. Had a great conversation with one of my favorite friends, and grabbed dinner. All of this was before going to rehearsal.
See what I mean? An average day. Nothing about today was out of the blue. Except maybe the fact that I'm not wearing a sweatshirt and my paint pants (See photo. It's gross how proud I am of myself for this outfit...) ...And sure, a test is a little more stressful, but... with all the studying I haven't done the past few years, I'm making up for lost time. But the spending time with friends, dinner, rehearsal. It was a very average Tuesday. And I'm loving it. I'm currently sitting in my very messy living room (my fault, my fault) with my roommate watching The Holiday. My to-do list is longer than I'd like, and I'm not worrying about a damn thing. After this post, I'm going to close my computer and relax and stare at Jack Black in all his glory. I know, I should be in favor of Jude Law...but he cheats on women and therefore his face looks like a troll, AMEYERITE?
Anyway, today was great. An outfit I felt good wearing, a test I felt good about taking, and friends I feel amazing being around. It's the kind of life I should be grateful for. And today, I'm just that. Very, very grateful.
Also, I added lights to my room. This is phase one, I think I'm going to take these down and try and shape the lights to look like a tree! I'm excited, and don't you worry... I will definitely keep posting photos.
Side Note: As I was about to post this, my roommate walks in with TaterTots to eat with my Strongbow. I'm a happy, happy girl.
Anyway, today was great. An outfit I felt good wearing, a test I felt good about taking, and friends I feel amazing being around. It's the kind of life I should be grateful for. And today, I'm just that. Very, very grateful.
Also, I added lights to my room. This is phase one, I think I'm going to take these down and try and shape the lights to look like a tree! I'm excited, and don't you worry... I will definitely keep posting photos.
Side Note: As I was about to post this, my roommate walks in with TaterTots to eat with my Strongbow. I'm a happy, happy girl.
Even tater tots are average. But on an average day, they are the thing of legends.
That's all folks. Nothing spectacular, nothing heartbreaking. Here's to great days, great friends, and great simplicity. I cherish it all.
Friday, November 9, 2012
A Long Way Down
I'm having a think today. And that think is: What is happiness? What do people classify as happy? Is it reachable? Is it something you gain? And when do you gain it? Does it come from other people or yourself?
I'm asking because so many people long for happiness. In my day to day life I get by with happy thoughts, but when people ask me in my life if I'm happy... I don't know how to answer. I have wonderful people surrounding me, I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I have dreams and goals and aspirations. But I want more. And I'm scared that if I keep saying 'When I get this then I'll be happy' that I'll never truly find it. And do you find happiness? Or does is grow from within?
I hope that happiness is a journey that you walk on. You can get lost, get confused, and find your way back to it. I don't know how to define it, but I know that it's something I want. And it's different than wanting something I don't have. Because I have it. Right? I have happiness, it's in me every day. I just need to remind myself it's there.
I read a great book a few years ago, and it was about four people who meet at the top of this building in England on New Year's Eve, all with the idea of jumping (This story will get better, promise). Throughout the book, you know that some of the people end up jumping off and others don't...it's sort of a whodunit. And one of the characters doesn't end up jumping, stating that suicide was that thing that's in the back of his sock drawer. That one thing that we all know is there, but never use. We never need it, but just knowing it's there gives us comfort.
That metaphor came into my mind today thinking about where happiness goes when you get into a bad mood. Is it that thing everyone has in their sock drawer. Because you know it's always there you don't necessarily use it or need it? Is that how I've come to, in a sense, lose it? I don't know.
As I said, I think it's a journey. And I hope to keep on the road I'm on. If you keep walking, your scenery may not change from day to day, but soon enough you'll be in other land. Looking at a whole different world you could have never dreamed of. I don't think happiness is in my sock drawer, I think it's in the horizon... waiting for me to wish it goodnight and greet it every morning.
I'm asking because so many people long for happiness. In my day to day life I get by with happy thoughts, but when people ask me in my life if I'm happy... I don't know how to answer. I have wonderful people surrounding me, I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I have dreams and goals and aspirations. But I want more. And I'm scared that if I keep saying 'When I get this then I'll be happy' that I'll never truly find it. And do you find happiness? Or does is grow from within?
I hope that happiness is a journey that you walk on. You can get lost, get confused, and find your way back to it. I don't know how to define it, but I know that it's something I want. And it's different than wanting something I don't have. Because I have it. Right? I have happiness, it's in me every day. I just need to remind myself it's there.
I read a great book a few years ago, and it was about four people who meet at the top of this building in England on New Year's Eve, all with the idea of jumping (This story will get better, promise). Throughout the book, you know that some of the people end up jumping off and others don't...it's sort of a whodunit. And one of the characters doesn't end up jumping, stating that suicide was that thing that's in the back of his sock drawer. That one thing that we all know is there, but never use. We never need it, but just knowing it's there gives us comfort.
That metaphor came into my mind today thinking about where happiness goes when you get into a bad mood. Is it that thing everyone has in their sock drawer. Because you know it's always there you don't necessarily use it or need it? Is that how I've come to, in a sense, lose it? I don't know.
As I said, I think it's a journey. And I hope to keep on the road I'm on. If you keep walking, your scenery may not change from day to day, but soon enough you'll be in other land. Looking at a whole different world you could have never dreamed of. I don't think happiness is in my sock drawer, I think it's in the horizon... waiting for me to wish it goodnight and greet it every morning.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Goodnight Moon Part Deux: Bubbles
I have a new goal. I know, another one. I make a new one every day it feels. I've been told this only leads me to be harder on myself. But.... I don't feel it. I think it keeps me dreaming. Keeps me going on the really hard days.
My goal is to do one thing every day to be kind to myself. I'm told I'm not the only one, but I'm not very nice when it comes to looking back and judging myself. I typically don't judge others, or I try reallllllyyyy hard not to. But myself, I'm my biggest critic, and I'm a tough one at that.
Today wasn't bad. Today was hard. But I looked today in the eyes and said, I win. I just got home from a very, very long day and did the best thing I could think of to relax: Took a bubble bath.
An intense, ginormoussssss (google it) BUBBLE BATH. So good. So relaxing. And you know what? Today was a good day. I'm going to sleep with all the T's crossed and my I's dotted. My to-do list is 9 feet long, but I'll cross off a few more things tomorrow and keep going.
All we can do is keep breathing. And be kind. To others, and to oursevles. An ordinary day is not a bad day. And a bad day shouldn't make us feel like we've lived a bad life.
Goodnight, Moon. Sweet dreams, mate.
My goal is to do one thing every day to be kind to myself. I'm told I'm not the only one, but I'm not very nice when it comes to looking back and judging myself. I typically don't judge others, or I try reallllllyyyy hard not to. But myself, I'm my biggest critic, and I'm a tough one at that.
Today wasn't bad. Today was hard. But I looked today in the eyes and said, I win. I just got home from a very, very long day and did the best thing I could think of to relax: Took a bubble bath.
An intense, ginormoussssss (google it) BUBBLE BATH. So good. So relaxing. And you know what? Today was a good day. I'm going to sleep with all the T's crossed and my I's dotted. My to-do list is 9 feet long, but I'll cross off a few more things tomorrow and keep going.
All we can do is keep breathing. And be kind. To others, and to oursevles. An ordinary day is not a bad day. And a bad day shouldn't make us feel like we've lived a bad life.
Goodnight, Moon. Sweet dreams, mate.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Goodnight Moon: Thoughts
I love this blog. Can I say that? I freaking love this little page on this giant inter web . I love that I started it, that I look forward to writing in it, and sometimes look forward to sharing it with others. And when I do, I know I'm not alone in my feelings. I love that. I live for that.
I'm so very blessed I found this outlet. I don't know how long it's going to last...but it's an amazing step in what I hope to be a new, life changing direction.
Also, got started on my photo wall. Lots of happy memories tonight. Can you tell by my hair/face/neck turban it's bedtime? :)
Goodnight, moon. Fingers crossed for happy dreams.
I'm so very blessed I found this outlet. I don't know how long it's going to last...but it's an amazing step in what I hope to be a new, life changing direction.
Goodnight, moon. Fingers crossed for happy dreams.
No Mo' Drama
These past few days have been very interesting for a number of people. After last night some are very, very excited for what lies ahead. Others are scared. Others are straight pah-issed. I find myself excited. Just my two cents. But today, some people have sort of diminished that excitement by being so upset. I made a list of things that I'm thankful for.... and now, I made them a list. They probably will never read it, but I don't give a -- keep looking at muh-- cause it don't mean a thing if ya looking at uh. (catching my drift?)
--We live in a place where you can 'completely hate' your leader. In some countries, you'd be shot for saying, thinking, believing, showing such a thing. Also, don't hate. He's a person, just like you. And I think if you throw around the word hate you wouldn't be any better at the job. Boom.
--You're not Kim Kardashian. Think about that. Revel in that. Feeeeeeel that.
--Most of us are allowed to have animals around us. I don't have one, but I dream about living on a farm in New York City (work with me) with horses and dogs and Free Willy. Pets are the best. They are so friendly, and are always by your side. Could. Be. Worse.
--Generally, if you don't like someone, you're not required to be around them. That's a really good feeling isn't it? You're not required to be around anyone or anything you don't want to be. That's mother lovin' FREEDOM. When you're a kid, you can't escape certain people or things. But when you grow up and you're responsible for you're own actions, you can choose who you want to spend your time with. That's pretty cool.
--A little trilogy called The Mighty Ducks.
--Right now, there are so many people in the world that need our help, and we have the opportunity and the ability to help them. In a single smile or hug, you can turn someone's day around...that my friends, is what it's all about.
--We can bake yummy things like cookies and cakes and pies and brownies and all the bad stuff that can make you feel really good.
--Beer is a beautiful thing. People underestimate how good a beer tastes after a long day.
--We have friends and family that dedicate their lives to protect us and go off to far away places that can be very scary... and we get to continue living our every day life. They are brave and strong and a hell of a lot cooler than me.
--You can screw up in the worst way. You can do a horrible, rotten thing that hurts a lot of people..... and still get a second chance. People take that for granted. I do too. But no more. Second chances have only done amazing things for me. I've gotten a parent, college, a career, and more friends than I deserve because people have taken more than one chance on me or the people surrounding me. Think about who's taken a second chance on you and celebrate that.
--Every year you have a day that is devoted to when you were born. And you get gifts and people smile a lot more around you. Some people hate that day, but I always look forward to it because it's the only day a year where I accept compliments freely and make new goals for the next year of my life.
--Arnold Schwarzenegger was a governor of a STATE. HA!
--Betty White is still alive. (I'm just going down the list of famous people that should be celebrated....)
Famous people continued:
Meryl Streep
Phil Collins
Ryan Gosling and his abdominals
Ryan Reynolds and his abdominals
Jeff Daniels
Jason Segel
Dame Judy Dench
Blake Lively's hair
Matt Damon's hair
Ben Affleck's career choices in the last five years
and last but not lease, Ellen Degeneres.
All good, all pretty, all fabulous additions to our lives.
--And my personal favorite, my all time happy thought.... my one saving grace when the days are too long and people are mean and everything seems to be going in the dumps......
NUTELLA. EXISTS.
Life isn't perfect. But quit the drama, friends. There's a lot to laugh at in our every day, mundane schedules. Just look around at the all crazy girls in leggings who don't realize we can litchrally see up their butt? That shit crazy. But crazy funny. A lot of times in life you have to look for the funny, and when you do you'll laugh for days. Promise.
--We live in a place where you can 'completely hate' your leader. In some countries, you'd be shot for saying, thinking, believing, showing such a thing. Also, don't hate. He's a person, just like you. And I think if you throw around the word hate you wouldn't be any better at the job. Boom.
--You're not Kim Kardashian. Think about that. Revel in that. Feeeeeeel that.
--Most of us are allowed to have animals around us. I don't have one, but I dream about living on a farm in New York City (work with me) with horses and dogs and Free Willy. Pets are the best. They are so friendly, and are always by your side. Could. Be. Worse.
--Generally, if you don't like someone, you're not required to be around them. That's a really good feeling isn't it? You're not required to be around anyone or anything you don't want to be. That's mother lovin' FREEDOM. When you're a kid, you can't escape certain people or things. But when you grow up and you're responsible for you're own actions, you can choose who you want to spend your time with. That's pretty cool.
--A little trilogy called The Mighty Ducks.
--Right now, there are so many people in the world that need our help, and we have the opportunity and the ability to help them. In a single smile or hug, you can turn someone's day around...that my friends, is what it's all about.
--We can bake yummy things like cookies and cakes and pies and brownies and all the bad stuff that can make you feel really good.
--Beer is a beautiful thing. People underestimate how good a beer tastes after a long day.
--We have friends and family that dedicate their lives to protect us and go off to far away places that can be very scary... and we get to continue living our every day life. They are brave and strong and a hell of a lot cooler than me.
--You can screw up in the worst way. You can do a horrible, rotten thing that hurts a lot of people..... and still get a second chance. People take that for granted. I do too. But no more. Second chances have only done amazing things for me. I've gotten a parent, college, a career, and more friends than I deserve because people have taken more than one chance on me or the people surrounding me. Think about who's taken a second chance on you and celebrate that.
--Every year you have a day that is devoted to when you were born. And you get gifts and people smile a lot more around you. Some people hate that day, but I always look forward to it because it's the only day a year where I accept compliments freely and make new goals for the next year of my life.
--Arnold Schwarzenegger was a governor of a STATE. HA!
--Betty White is still alive. (I'm just going down the list of famous people that should be celebrated....)
Famous people continued:
Meryl Streep
Phil Collins
Ryan Gosling and his abdominals
Ryan Reynolds and his abdominals
Jeff Daniels
Jason Segel
Dame Judy Dench
Blake Lively's hair
Matt Damon's hair
Ben Affleck's career choices in the last five years
and last but not lease, Ellen Degeneres.
All good, all pretty, all fabulous additions to our lives.
--And my personal favorite, my all time happy thought.... my one saving grace when the days are too long and people are mean and everything seems to be going in the dumps......
NUTELLA. EXISTS.
Life isn't perfect. But quit the drama, friends. There's a lot to laugh at in our every day, mundane schedules. Just look around at the all crazy girls in leggings who don't realize we can litchrally see up their butt? That shit crazy. But crazy funny. A lot of times in life you have to look for the funny, and when you do you'll laugh for days. Promise.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Smell The Roses
These past few days I have not stopped to smell the roses. I've stopped to feel negative, to be hard on myself, and to take a lot for granted. No more! I'm officially dedicating this post to all that I am thankful for. Some of these things are oh so very random, others are very personal, and some are just plain fun.
I'm thankful for my imagination, and my dreams. I've never had too big a dream in my own eyes. I may feel stuck or in a rut in accomplishing the dream... but I don't doubt that I can get there some day. My imagination has taken me to amazing places, and I'm grateful for that.
I'm grateful for my parents. I called both my parents yesterday, and it was amazing to get advice from two very different people who live everyday as a united couple. They are a true example of what a marriage should be, and I'm excited to find someone one day that I can be as happy with.
I'm thankful for where I live. Not only in Duluth, not only Minnesota, but America. Today is a very important day for America. A lot could change. I find myself very nervous. The Vote No campaign means a lot to me, and I think it would be a shame for my friends to have their rights taken away. But, and this is a very small... smallllllll but, whatever happens.. they are still loved and appreciated and accepted. No matter what. I'm thankful that I have been raised to believe that no characteristic of a person defines who they are. We are all made up of specific, unique things, and that should be celebrated.
I'm thankful that even though there is a fire alarm going off every three seconds as I type this in a lobby, I still have my sense of humor rather than smashing my computer against the wall.........because it's gone through my mind.
I'm thankful that I've had many friendships throughout my life. My close friends from high school and I have drifted more than I would like...but looking back, I have such fond memories with them. I wouldn't trade those years for anything. I hope they know how much I care for them and wish them well. I'm thankful that I learned how to become a good friend by having friends like them.
I'm thankful for my friends that have become family. All of my close friends feel like familiy, but there are a certain few that aren't going anywhere. No matter what. That's a rare and exciting thing. I'm so thankful for everything I've learned from them.
I'm thankful for the prospect of starting over...even if you never truly start fresh, the idea of a blank canvas allows creativity to burst out of you. That's an amazing thing.
I'm thankful.... for forgiveness. And how often it comes around. The people that have hurt me in the past have been forgiven. And then as time passes that wound reopens, and you have the opportunity to forgive them all over again. It can be very painful, depending on the person or the action... but after it's over it feels so liberating. After the storm, you're so different from the person you were before. I love that. People make horrible, rotten, selfish mistakes...but they are human. Forgiveness is one of the best gifts you can give a person... it allows them to continue on their journey.
I'm thankful, in all seriousness, for Free Willy. Stop laughing. I said stop... Free Willy came into my life when my mother was raising two kids on her own, rewrapping unused toys so we had more than just a few gifts at Christmas. She's the greatest. And I think it was Easter, and we had our Easter baskets hidden that morning... and when we found them, my brother's basket had Grease (not because he would like it, but because John Travolta looks really good in black pants...and my mom had a crush on him) and I had Free Willy in mine. My mom got us through some tough years, and when we didn't have a lot.. she made sure our cup runneth over. I don't know how she did it, I'm convinced she's an alien. Anyway, throughout my years I've never forgotten that feeling of seeing a new movie in our basket. Free Willy has become my secret weapon to remind myself that in the worst situation, everything will be okay. To remind myself that one thing, one mediocre movie can change your viewpoint on where you're at in life. We didn't have a lot, but we had each other. I'm so thankful for everything my mom did to give us our childhood, and to Free Willy for making me smile as we ate Kraft Mac N Cheese for the eighth day in a row :)
I'm thankful for this blog. I love it. I love having something that is all mine, that no one can touch. I love being able to share it if I want, and also be able to keep it to myself. I'm so glad I've continued it, and I think it's helping me a lot.
I'm thankful for my words. And my voice. I feel important when I write, like I matter. That's the best feeling in the whole world.
I'm thankful for Nutella. Straight up.
I'm thankful for second chances.
I'm thankful for today. It's horrible weather, I woke up late, haven't eaten, should be very crabby..... and I'm still having a great day. I love that even when everything is going wrong, there's an opportunity to be immensely happy and use your own positive attitude to get through your day. That's cool, and gives me a lot of hope.
As we make our way to Thanksgiving, my very favorite holiday, I'm reminded of all the people, things, attitudes, and places to be thankful for. I feel so excited to start fresh, and to find new things that empower and strengthen me. I think I'm the most thankful for that. A new start, new moments of realization, and to look back and be thankful for more wonderful things that come into my life.
Life is good, folks!
I'm thankful for my imagination, and my dreams. I've never had too big a dream in my own eyes. I may feel stuck or in a rut in accomplishing the dream... but I don't doubt that I can get there some day. My imagination has taken me to amazing places, and I'm grateful for that.
I'm grateful for my parents. I called both my parents yesterday, and it was amazing to get advice from two very different people who live everyday as a united couple. They are a true example of what a marriage should be, and I'm excited to find someone one day that I can be as happy with.
I'm thankful for where I live. Not only in Duluth, not only Minnesota, but America. Today is a very important day for America. A lot could change. I find myself very nervous. The Vote No campaign means a lot to me, and I think it would be a shame for my friends to have their rights taken away. But, and this is a very small... smallllllll but, whatever happens.. they are still loved and appreciated and accepted. No matter what. I'm thankful that I have been raised to believe that no characteristic of a person defines who they are. We are all made up of specific, unique things, and that should be celebrated.
I'm thankful that even though there is a fire alarm going off every three seconds as I type this in a lobby, I still have my sense of humor rather than smashing my computer against the wall.........because it's gone through my mind.
I'm thankful that I've had many friendships throughout my life. My close friends from high school and I have drifted more than I would like...but looking back, I have such fond memories with them. I wouldn't trade those years for anything. I hope they know how much I care for them and wish them well. I'm thankful that I learned how to become a good friend by having friends like them.
I'm thankful for my friends that have become family. All of my close friends feel like familiy, but there are a certain few that aren't going anywhere. No matter what. That's a rare and exciting thing. I'm so thankful for everything I've learned from them.
I'm thankful for the prospect of starting over...even if you never truly start fresh, the idea of a blank canvas allows creativity to burst out of you. That's an amazing thing.
I'm thankful.... for forgiveness. And how often it comes around. The people that have hurt me in the past have been forgiven. And then as time passes that wound reopens, and you have the opportunity to forgive them all over again. It can be very painful, depending on the person or the action... but after it's over it feels so liberating. After the storm, you're so different from the person you were before. I love that. People make horrible, rotten, selfish mistakes...but they are human. Forgiveness is one of the best gifts you can give a person... it allows them to continue on their journey.
I'm thankful, in all seriousness, for Free Willy. Stop laughing. I said stop... Free Willy came into my life when my mother was raising two kids on her own, rewrapping unused toys so we had more than just a few gifts at Christmas. She's the greatest. And I think it was Easter, and we had our Easter baskets hidden that morning... and when we found them, my brother's basket had Grease (not because he would like it, but because John Travolta looks really good in black pants...and my mom had a crush on him) and I had Free Willy in mine. My mom got us through some tough years, and when we didn't have a lot.. she made sure our cup runneth over. I don't know how she did it, I'm convinced she's an alien. Anyway, throughout my years I've never forgotten that feeling of seeing a new movie in our basket. Free Willy has become my secret weapon to remind myself that in the worst situation, everything will be okay. To remind myself that one thing, one mediocre movie can change your viewpoint on where you're at in life. We didn't have a lot, but we had each other. I'm so thankful for everything my mom did to give us our childhood, and to Free Willy for making me smile as we ate Kraft Mac N Cheese for the eighth day in a row :)
I'm thankful for this blog. I love it. I love having something that is all mine, that no one can touch. I love being able to share it if I want, and also be able to keep it to myself. I'm so glad I've continued it, and I think it's helping me a lot.
I'm thankful for my words. And my voice. I feel important when I write, like I matter. That's the best feeling in the whole world.
I'm thankful for Nutella. Straight up.
I'm thankful for second chances.
I'm thankful for today. It's horrible weather, I woke up late, haven't eaten, should be very crabby..... and I'm still having a great day. I love that even when everything is going wrong, there's an opportunity to be immensely happy and use your own positive attitude to get through your day. That's cool, and gives me a lot of hope.
As we make our way to Thanksgiving, my very favorite holiday, I'm reminded of all the people, things, attitudes, and places to be thankful for. I feel so excited to start fresh, and to find new things that empower and strengthen me. I think I'm the most thankful for that. A new start, new moments of realization, and to look back and be thankful for more wonderful things that come into my life.
Life is good, folks!
Monday, November 5, 2012
Sometimes...
I have a friend from high school, Cami (or as we call each other Baby Mama... I'm not sure why we ever started that, but I still laugh) that made a post called Sometimes a few weeks ago, and I'm going to copy that post in my own words... because reading hers made me smile and made me feel better, so I think creating my own can do the same.
Sometimes people say mean things that make you second guess who you are and what you think about yourself.
Sometimes those people are flat our wrong, or they don't know who you are and why you are so far from what they called you.
Sometimes friends that you thought would be there forever decided to move on. It's no one's fault, and it's what happens in life, don't second guess yourself.
Sometimes even though you're sad and feel so small, being called a rude thing can make you look at yourself clearly and take a step back and realize that there is some room for change and growth. Sometimes that's a really, really good thing.
Sometimes you have to be willing to admit that you're not perfect. And you shouldn't be. And if you were, you'd be a very boring girl that no one would bother getting to know.
Sometimes... people leave. And disappoint you in the hardest, saddest way. They are not you. They are on their own journey in life, and have their own battles to overcome. Wish them well, want nothing for them but happiness and peace, and move on.
Sometimes, your mom will tell you you're the most special person in the world and that she's proud of you. Listen to her.
Sometimes your dad will tell you to get off your ass and start taking control of your life, and then when he's about to hang up the phone he'll say I love you, something he doesn't say often... and you'll realize how lucky you really are to have a man in your life that will never leave you, ever. Hold onto that.
Sometimes, all you need to do is take a walk for an hour, looking at the houses.. at the water.. at the sky, and realize that life is a lot bigger than the negativity you're feeling in that moment. That somewhere out there, someone is looking in the sky thinking the same thing. Sometimes, the feeling that you're not alone can save you from yourself.
And sometimes, when the days are really long-- and nothing seems to be going right -- you can snuggle into bed, shut off the lights, your phone, your music, whatever distractions may be around... shut them off, thank God for getting you through the day... and fall asleep. Simple as that. Sleep away the bad, wake up to the good.
Sometimes, it's as simple as one step at a time, one day at a time, one obstacle at a time.
I find myself ready to tackle the next obstacle... ready to in a way start fresh... I'm excited for what's to come, and that's a really good feeling. People change, life changes, and I need to start embracing that. I'm not perfect, but no one's asking me to be. Sometimes, you have to kick your own ass.. and allow yourself to start over.
Sometimes people say mean things that make you second guess who you are and what you think about yourself.
Sometimes those people are flat our wrong, or they don't know who you are and why you are so far from what they called you.
Sometimes friends that you thought would be there forever decided to move on. It's no one's fault, and it's what happens in life, don't second guess yourself.
Sometimes even though you're sad and feel so small, being called a rude thing can make you look at yourself clearly and take a step back and realize that there is some room for change and growth. Sometimes that's a really, really good thing.
Sometimes you have to be willing to admit that you're not perfect. And you shouldn't be. And if you were, you'd be a very boring girl that no one would bother getting to know.
Sometimes... people leave. And disappoint you in the hardest, saddest way. They are not you. They are on their own journey in life, and have their own battles to overcome. Wish them well, want nothing for them but happiness and peace, and move on.
Sometimes, your mom will tell you you're the most special person in the world and that she's proud of you. Listen to her.
Sometimes your dad will tell you to get off your ass and start taking control of your life, and then when he's about to hang up the phone he'll say I love you, something he doesn't say often... and you'll realize how lucky you really are to have a man in your life that will never leave you, ever. Hold onto that.
Sometimes, all you need to do is take a walk for an hour, looking at the houses.. at the water.. at the sky, and realize that life is a lot bigger than the negativity you're feeling in that moment. That somewhere out there, someone is looking in the sky thinking the same thing. Sometimes, the feeling that you're not alone can save you from yourself.
And sometimes, when the days are really long-- and nothing seems to be going right -- you can snuggle into bed, shut off the lights, your phone, your music, whatever distractions may be around... shut them off, thank God for getting you through the day... and fall asleep. Simple as that. Sleep away the bad, wake up to the good.
Sometimes, it's as simple as one step at a time, one day at a time, one obstacle at a time.
I find myself ready to tackle the next obstacle... ready to in a way start fresh... I'm excited for what's to come, and that's a really good feeling. People change, life changes, and I need to start embracing that. I'm not perfect, but no one's asking me to be. Sometimes, you have to kick your own ass.. and allow yourself to start over.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
On My Way
Well, it's been a day. A weird, long day. And I've realized something. I'm horrible at taking my own advice. A few weeks ago I was at mass and the priest's homily was about allowing yourself to be a beginner. Ever since that Sunday I have been telling everyone that. It's my go to piece of advice. And I never use it. That's just stupid. I have to allow myself to be a beginner or else there's no room to grow. And that's what it's all about. You try new things and you go through life becoming a strong and better person by all the times you screw up. Every lesson I've ever learned has been from overcoming an obstacle. So why do I fear the battle? I hope to start feeling empowered by the battle. To allow myself to have a first go at things, and to completely screw up. I don't know how to be anything but myself, even if it's a version I want to change.
I don't know where I'm going, I just know I'm on my way. That's incredibly terrifying, and feels foreign and uncomfortable. I want that to change. I want to feel the adventure of it all. I want to close my eyes and prepare for the wave to crash over me, not knowing when it will come. That's the fun of it all, right? That's the journey. It's about the journey, not the destination... Must remember that more.
I went in to work early to watch the sunrise today after the weirdest night of my entire life.... and if the sun can rise and set everyday... damn it so can I. I can get up and do work and take care of myself and all the things I want/need to do, and I can lay my head down and be okay with making it through another day. Cause some days, when the world is just funny, the only thing you're required to do is get through the day.
I'm excited to go home, crawl into bed, turn on a show that requires no amount of thinking to watch, and to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, with a new sunrise.... I just might get up early to watch that one too.
I don't know where I'm going, I just know I'm on my way. That's incredibly terrifying, and feels foreign and uncomfortable. I want that to change. I want to feel the adventure of it all. I want to close my eyes and prepare for the wave to crash over me, not knowing when it will come. That's the fun of it all, right? That's the journey. It's about the journey, not the destination... Must remember that more.
I went in to work early to watch the sunrise today after the weirdest night of my entire life.... and if the sun can rise and set everyday... damn it so can I. I can get up and do work and take care of myself and all the things I want/need to do, and I can lay my head down and be okay with making it through another day. Cause some days, when the world is just funny, the only thing you're required to do is get through the day.
I'm excited to go home, crawl into bed, turn on a show that requires no amount of thinking to watch, and to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, with a new sunrise.... I just might get up early to watch that one too.
Complicated Simplicity
When I started this blog, I told myself that I would write about the good, bad, and ugly. That even on my sad days, I would write down how I was feeling because writing has always been my inspiration and my go-to. I always feel better. So, I'm gonna write today about the ugly... I warn you it won't be pretty and may not make a lot of sense...but this post is truly, truly for myself today. I need this.
This week was a hard week. The beginning was good, the middle was alright, but this morning... This week was hard. I made some choices last night that I'm peeved about. Too many cocktails for this girl, which led to irresponsible behavior (not what you're thinking) and I'm sitting at work today drinking my second gatorade and not feeling great about myself. Not loving me right now.
And what all triggered it? A boy called me insignificant. Correction: At a Halloween party the boy saw my roommate's costume (she made a Stitch costume that was sublime. Epic.) and wanted to comment on it. And (my memory is fuzzy here...) I think I interrupted and he turned to me and said 'You're insignificant.' and kept talking to my roommate. Now, in my sober mind today I'm thinking... I'm insignificant? So is your penis. Like, I don't care what Buzz Lightyear has to say about me. At all. He may have been drunk, he might just be an asshole. And calling a spade a spade, I did cut him off. I don't know. But last night, it triggered a whole heap of emotions. And this morning I'm so embarrassed and hurt by my own actions I could scream. I didn't need to take what he said so seriously or literal or offensively. He's a random person that said a random word, so why does it still hurt? I just feel dumb. And like the thirteen year old girl in me is running my life. What is that? Anyway, after he said that I got so emotional that I left the party. Without telling a soul, I just started walking the ten blocks home alone. At 1 am. Alone. D r u n k . In the city I live in. Not cool, MacKenzie! I woke up this morning to about 11 missed calls, 3 voicemails, and the greatest question I hope to never ask myself again... how did I get here?
Like I said, I'm pissed. Completely, utterly ashamed. At myself. I'm not this person. I'm not the girl who can't stand up on her own two feet and take care of herself. I need to accept what is going on in my life, and I need to be kinder to myself. I realize it's an oximoron to make a blog post saying I'm an asshole for my actions and then say be kind to myself. But I need to figure this out.... because it hurts too much not to.
So here it is, MacKenzie. You have depression. A disease that is controllable, liveable, and in your mind curable. Deal with it. You don't like having depression? Name a person that does. Don't be a victim. You have the strongest mother in the world that has always taught you to fight back. So fight back. If one of your friends came to you with this you would fight til kingdom come to help them. Help yourself. Don't be a victim. You've gone through so much in your life, and you've become stronger for it. This is just one more battle. Think of how good it will feel in a few months when things are more balanced. Don't rely on other people or things to create your own happiness. You create it. You wouldn't allow a friend to treat themselves this way, you would tell them that they are so worthy of love and respect. So are you. You can do this. Depression depression depression. Ten keys on the keyboard. It's complicated, yet it's simple.
I think that's how I'll look at it from now on. It's complicated simplicity. I love taking things that are complicated and breaking them down so they are simple. Doing that for other people is one of my greatest joys. I need to do it for myself.
For those of you that know me and are reading this...especially the ones that didn't know I was dealing with this, please don't be alarmed. Yes. I'm alright. But I want to be better than alright. I'm longing for happiness. I've got a lot of sad days to fight through to get there, and today is one of them.
I'm currently going back and forth on posting this or deleting the whole thing. I've read it about 8 times... I said I would post about the days I barely move. I am going to look back at this post in a few months and say... I never went back to that place. I think I'll be really proud of myself. I'm excited for that day. Just thinking about it makes me feel strong.
This week was a hard week. The beginning was good, the middle was alright, but this morning... This week was hard. I made some choices last night that I'm peeved about. Too many cocktails for this girl, which led to irresponsible behavior (not what you're thinking) and I'm sitting at work today drinking my second gatorade and not feeling great about myself. Not loving me right now.
And what all triggered it? A boy called me insignificant. Correction: At a Halloween party the boy saw my roommate's costume (she made a Stitch costume that was sublime. Epic.) and wanted to comment on it. And (my memory is fuzzy here...) I think I interrupted and he turned to me and said 'You're insignificant.' and kept talking to my roommate. Now, in my sober mind today I'm thinking... I'm insignificant? So is your penis. Like, I don't care what Buzz Lightyear has to say about me. At all. He may have been drunk, he might just be an asshole. And calling a spade a spade, I did cut him off. I don't know. But last night, it triggered a whole heap of emotions. And this morning I'm so embarrassed and hurt by my own actions I could scream. I didn't need to take what he said so seriously or literal or offensively. He's a random person that said a random word, so why does it still hurt? I just feel dumb. And like the thirteen year old girl in me is running my life. What is that? Anyway, after he said that I got so emotional that I left the party. Without telling a soul, I just started walking the ten blocks home alone. At 1 am. Alone. D r u n k . In the city I live in. Not cool, MacKenzie! I woke up this morning to about 11 missed calls, 3 voicemails, and the greatest question I hope to never ask myself again... how did I get here?
Like I said, I'm pissed. Completely, utterly ashamed. At myself. I'm not this person. I'm not the girl who can't stand up on her own two feet and take care of herself. I need to accept what is going on in my life, and I need to be kinder to myself. I realize it's an oximoron to make a blog post saying I'm an asshole for my actions and then say be kind to myself. But I need to figure this out.... because it hurts too much not to.
So here it is, MacKenzie. You have depression. A disease that is controllable, liveable, and in your mind curable. Deal with it. You don't like having depression? Name a person that does. Don't be a victim. You have the strongest mother in the world that has always taught you to fight back. So fight back. If one of your friends came to you with this you would fight til kingdom come to help them. Help yourself. Don't be a victim. You've gone through so much in your life, and you've become stronger for it. This is just one more battle. Think of how good it will feel in a few months when things are more balanced. Don't rely on other people or things to create your own happiness. You create it. You wouldn't allow a friend to treat themselves this way, you would tell them that they are so worthy of love and respect. So are you. You can do this. Depression depression depression. Ten keys on the keyboard. It's complicated, yet it's simple.
I think that's how I'll look at it from now on. It's complicated simplicity. I love taking things that are complicated and breaking them down so they are simple. Doing that for other people is one of my greatest joys. I need to do it for myself.
For those of you that know me and are reading this...especially the ones that didn't know I was dealing with this, please don't be alarmed. Yes. I'm alright. But I want to be better than alright. I'm longing for happiness. I've got a lot of sad days to fight through to get there, and today is one of them.
I'm currently going back and forth on posting this or deleting the whole thing. I've read it about 8 times... I said I would post about the days I barely move. I am going to look back at this post in a few months and say... I never went back to that place. I think I'll be really proud of myself. I'm excited for that day. Just thinking about it makes me feel strong.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Blended Blessings
I'm missing my family a lot today. This crazy bunch of stubborn, hilarious weirdos is all I can think about.
The best part about this photo is my dad completely controlling how the boys are standing... and the girls could care less. Also, let's talk about that feisty lady with the banner..... I love that woman. The next time I'll see my siblings is Thanksgiving, and I really want to have an adventure with the four of us that weekend. Even if it's just a movie or dinner. Without them knowing it, I learn so much from them and they've given me so much strength throughout the years. My sister is the oldest, and couldn't be more kind. She's such a role model for me when I think my life is chaotic and things will never come together. With patience and really hard work, great things follow. My brothers couldn't be more different. But they are both hysterical. That short dude on the end is my biological brother, and secretly one of my very favorite people. He doesn't say much, but when he does... I either laugh because it's funny, or I think because he's quite smart. He doesn't know it, but he is. My brother Jeff is a genius, and I've always enjoyed spending time with him. He and my dad are twins, it's really funny watching them become more and more alike. When me and Jeff were younger, we formed a British rock group and recorded a demo.... Our dad was not impressed. We still remember the lyrics though. I love breaking out our #1 single, Can You Read It?... And that handsome devil in the middle is my main dude, Bruce Paul. I got pretty lucky when my parents got married. We always joke he got the short end of the stick.... but that actually may be true. He's given me a lot of things, mostly headaches, but I've never doubted that he'll be there for me. That's pretty cool.
I can't wait to see them again, and to share some laughs around the dinner table. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, along with my dad, so I can't wait. Just gotta get through November....
The best part about this photo is my dad completely controlling how the boys are standing... and the girls could care less. Also, let's talk about that feisty lady with the banner..... I love that woman. The next time I'll see my siblings is Thanksgiving, and I really want to have an adventure with the four of us that weekend. Even if it's just a movie or dinner. Without them knowing it, I learn so much from them and they've given me so much strength throughout the years. My sister is the oldest, and couldn't be more kind. She's such a role model for me when I think my life is chaotic and things will never come together. With patience and really hard work, great things follow. My brothers couldn't be more different. But they are both hysterical. That short dude on the end is my biological brother, and secretly one of my very favorite people. He doesn't say much, but when he does... I either laugh because it's funny, or I think because he's quite smart. He doesn't know it, but he is. My brother Jeff is a genius, and I've always enjoyed spending time with him. He and my dad are twins, it's really funny watching them become more and more alike. When me and Jeff were younger, we formed a British rock group and recorded a demo.... Our dad was not impressed. We still remember the lyrics though. I love breaking out our #1 single, Can You Read It?... And that handsome devil in the middle is my main dude, Bruce Paul. I got pretty lucky when my parents got married. We always joke he got the short end of the stick.... but that actually may be true. He's given me a lot of things, mostly headaches, but I've never doubted that he'll be there for me. That's pretty cool.
I can't wait to see them again, and to share some laughs around the dinner table. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, along with my dad, so I can't wait. Just gotta get through November....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)